I'm getting married soon :)
Forums:
Hi, I have a question for all the step moms and dads. My bf and I are getting married in a couple of weeks. Right now the bm and sd are so hateful toward me. I was wondering if after marriage it typically gets better or worse?
Congratulations!! (HUGS) I
Congratulations!! (HUGS) I hope everything is wonderful and beautiful. I loved your question and though BF and I aren't "there" yet, I am also wondering the same in the back of my mind... but regardless I wish you all the best!! Smile!!!
Both.
Some things got better, others got worse, but I would say that each situation is different. Plan for any eventuality... don't get your hopes up too high, then you won't be so disappointed if it's rougher than you thought it would be. For me, we didn't date very long before marrying, so it was a nightmare from Day One with the BM. The skids were/are mostly fine, no real problems with them. I will say that over time it has gotten better for us with the BM. I think each situation is different. Just try to stay positive and take your time. Congratulations!
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
Congratulations and best wishes...
Hi momwithstress, I hope you day goes off smoothly and happily. Where are you getting married?
I am also about to remarry in 4 weeks in Fiji and we have had lots of problems in connection with SK's, BM and Ex family up until recently.
Now that we are only weeks away from the wedding, the SK's are getting happier and happier. I think, despite what the BM may say to them, they are really excited about having a Mum and Dad married and happy together. Their parents split up many years ago when they were very young so they don't even remember their parents being together.
Their BM is a bit strange and lives with them and another Mum with a kid and she has never remarried, let alone even dated (not even a one night stand) anyone since she left my partner. Maybe she has 'crossed over' and doesn't like men anymore (LOL).
We will have to stay in touch and see if marriage makes things better in a step family, or not. I think it also depends on how long you have been with the SK's father. I have been with my partner 3 years and it has taken that long to get a sense of 'family' with the SK's.
Thankfully, it is happening, although I don't think we will ever be the 'brady bunch'.
While, let the fun begin.
Well, let the fun begin. We're getting married in 7 days and this is the worst weekend so far. Oh, sd has cried screamed, picked fights with both my kids and cried that she hates it and wants to go home. I'm sure this makes my bf feel terrible and I feel badly about the whole situation. As I said to him, it'll be a rough weekend, she no doubt feels like it's her last chance to "break us up" before we get married. She does try hard, I said to her (in front of her dad) I know your plan is to have us fight and argue and not get along but it's not going to work, 1 week from today we will already be married and there's nothing you can do to stop that. We love each other and when you love someone you try to make them happy. You don't want them to be sad or angery. She got it I think, we'll see. She is 9 and has been in her room screaming that she "wants mommy". I'll need lots of help I think, I did tell my 7 year old the idea of "killing them with kindness" I try this tactic and work and usually it works very well, the angery customers get even angrier when you're nice to them and I find it quite amusing. I suggested he try this with her, I'm not sure that he has the self control but we will see. My 3 year old is too little but I just said that we have to be extra nice to sd because she's sad this weekend and wants her mommy.
Welcome to the club! I was
Welcome to the club! I was lucky and for the most part within the first year SD decided to not dislike me as much even if it was against everything BM was telling her- then in time I have become her favorite parent(as much as you can to a now 14y/o!LOL) and we are pretty close too. I always hope for the best but never expect it- best advice I can give. Best Wishes.
There is no reaon where logic does not exist
Have to agree with Anne
BOTH!
Ummm, 9, and in her room SCREAMING she "wants mommy"? Scary! Could be wrong but that doesn't sound normal. SD was 9 almost 10 when I met DH, now my daughter is almost 9 and neither of them acted like that! My daughter did that at 5... but I put a stop to those fits ASAP!! I don't know WHERE they come from but they showed up out of the blue and they are gone now and have been for some time!
Congratulations and good luck!!
It is what it is...
My list for success (subject to change)
Two days before my wedding, my SD showed up with a black velvet dress from Target that her mom bought her to wear at our wedding. I already had a dress for her and her mom knew that. BM said it was all SD idea and she had nothing to do with it. Really, she was 7 1/2 years old. Did she drive to Target, pull out her credit card buy the dress and drive home? My point, it was a sign of what would come that I refused to see at the time. So bottom line, after 5 years of this, I don't know the answer. I wish I did. I'm here on this site hoping the wisdom and experience of other women will calm my stormy heart. This is what I think now, today, it is subject to change.
1. Put your marriage first and make sure you are of a common mind before you take your vows.
2. Take care of yourself (check out the Step-parents bill of rights posted on this forum)
3. Let your husband manage the ex.
4. Find healthy outlets so that you never become consumed with anger (it will make you ugly)
5. Love love love and trust yourself and your husband
6. Remember the children are not their mother but they love her and they should
7. Try to have empathy for the BM she might not have become a b**ch until she became an ex.
8. It's a good thing they were not compatible because now he's all yours. She might have sanded a few corners for you too.
Being married to someone with an ex and kids can be really really hard. I've thought of leaving so many times but it always came down to the same thing. I love this man and I want to be with him no matter what. So my life is a lot harder than I want it to be but I understand that I have one life to live and I will grow many lifetimes in this one. As long as we don't have unrealistic expectations we just might find a surprise waiting for us.
Good luck
Oooooh, add this...
No matter how well you think you've covered your bases, understand that life will sometimes throw you curve balls for which it's impossible to prepare. Hang loose, go with the flow and take it as it comes.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
ok, I have the answer...
The anger and jealously got worse. Not even 1/2 hour after we were married the ex called to scream and holler at my dh. He said "thanks for calling" and hung up. He told me that she called to say congratulations and only much later told me the truth, he didn't want to upset me. While on our honeymoon she called yet again to scream at dh for not taking sd with us and said that she would no longer be sending sd for the weekends. He said "what is your problem, I'll get a laywer then, f%#@ you." Honestly, I was so impressed that he finally said this to her, it's way overdue. She of course has sent sd since then and I feel like my dh and I are finally a team that the ex and sd can no longer come between. Marriage may not always change things but it our case it did make us closer. I am his top priority now and he is mine. Of course we look after our children and love them but they will never come between us and the ex's have no say in our happiness. I think it will be a long road and perhaps difficult at times but I'm glad we did it.
edited
edited
Congrats on your wedding!
Congrats on your marriage!!
Submitted by chocoholic on Wed, 10/03/2007 - 4:19pm.
I'm glad to hear that you and dh are presenting a united front to the children.... thats one thing that my dh and I are really huge on.... you always need to present a united front in dealing with the kids, the ex, in-laws, etc. Once a weak spot is found they will pick away at it which will pick away at your marriage.... I'm glad to hear that you're off to a good start!
Congrats!!! I am getting
Congrats!!! I am getting married next November. Harpi is a harpi (see photo) and I call her Boy Toy Dippy. He is nice to every thing....just really dumb. She is a harpi. I doubt we will ever get along, but who cares????? Why would I want to be friends with someone like her any way...........Jenniferlynn
congrats!! In my case after
congrats!!
In my case after getting married things did get a little better the ex has now relized that I am not going any where. I also agree that you can not always put the kids first, you have to put your spouse first and build a solid fondation for the kids. Congrats and lots of love!!
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow
Congratulations
I am in the same boat as you. We are getting married on May 31st and things have not gotten any better. My STBSD told me that she is not going to be in my wedding. STBH was she said that she would be in "his" wedding but not mine. I was like oh well. I know that she got that from her mother. What i have learned is do you. Do what makes you happy and F*&k the SKs. Don't be cruel to them, but just take everything they do with a grain of salt. When it comes to EX let STBH deal with her. That's what i had to do. Because i refused to let them or their crazy azz momma ruin my relationship.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!