What are you doing that makes you need to disengage? What's the dynamic like?
If your SO expects you to be the replacement mom and has dumped all parenting duties on you, yup...he probably will be upset. But if it's something you need to do, you need to have a conversation with him regarding how you feel and your reasons for disengaging.
Disengaging doesn't make it worse, IMO. It does for awhile if your partner resists parenting his own kids, but over time, they can get used to it. That's what happened in my case. Initially, DH would throw a fit and scream when I wouldn't "help him" (read DO everything) for SD. I had the conversation about disengaging and my reasons, and either it went in one ear and out the other or he didn't really "get it". Over time, he started understanding that taking care of SD was his responsibility (though initially he was resentful of me when doing HIS responsibility). He'd say stuff like, "I guess I need to feed MY child." or stuff like that...I'd just say, "Yup...and make enough for me too, kay?" After he came down from that trip, I was able to share with him how off the wall his responses were to me, and didn't understand why he was mad at me that HE had to take care of HIS kid. He started understanding that he was a boob for that, and started being more responsible with it...
I said all that to say it takes time to get it, but in some cases it does get worse before it can get better. Whatever you do, if you disengage, YOU have to stick to it.
I have tried detaching several times. It usually works pretty well after the first couple of weeks, but then it always starts getting worse after a couple of months. Once SD realizes Daddy is doing the punishments, she starts treating me like crap and getting mouthy because she doesn't think I will do anything. And I DO get on her for it, but it is still always worse than when she knows I am watching her every move.
So I don't detach anymore because it usually makes me more miserable. Plus, when I see things she does and wait on DH to address it and he doesn't see it...that REALLY gets under my skin.
i guess my reasons for it are that i am sick of playing mommy to a kid that ill never be mommy to. though her mother is a piece, and moved to another state without her child, she still has one and i am exhausted. ill never get the respect from her or her mother and i only become angry and frustrated every day.
my so has started taking care of most of the meals, showers, picking out clothes, putting her to bed, etc., and to be honest, i want it to go further. i dont want to waste my breath yelling at her, punishing her, riding her to read or do her homework.
im very upset that her mother moved away 6 months ago. i didnt enter this relationship/engagement with the plans of having a 7 year old in my home EVERY SINGLE DAY. oh ho hum.
What are you doing that makes
What are you doing that makes you need to disengage? What's the dynamic like?
If your SO expects you to be the replacement mom and has dumped all parenting duties on you, yup...he probably will be upset. But if it's something you need to do, you need to have a conversation with him regarding how you feel and your reasons for disengaging.
Disengaging doesn't make it worse, IMO. It does for awhile if your partner resists parenting his own kids, but over time, they can get used to it. That's what happened in my case. Initially, DH would throw a fit and scream when I wouldn't "help him" (read DO everything) for SD. I had the conversation about disengaging and my reasons, and either it went in one ear and out the other or he didn't really "get it". Over time, he started understanding that taking care of SD was his responsibility (though initially he was resentful of me when doing HIS responsibility). He'd say stuff like, "I guess I need to feed MY child." or stuff like that...I'd just say, "Yup...and make enough for me too, kay?" After he came down from that trip, I was able to share with him how off the wall his responses were to me, and didn't understand why he was mad at me that HE had to take care of HIS kid. He started understanding that he was a boob for that, and started being more responsible with it...
I said all that to say it takes time to get it, but in some cases it does get worse before it can get better. Whatever you do, if you disengage, YOU have to stick to it.
I have tried detaching
I have tried detaching several times. It usually works pretty well after the first couple of weeks, but then it always starts getting worse after a couple of months. Once SD realizes Daddy is doing the punishments, she starts treating me like crap and getting mouthy because she doesn't think I will do anything. And I DO get on her for it, but it is still always worse than when she knows I am watching her every move.
So I don't detach anymore because it usually makes me more miserable. Plus, when I see things she does and wait on DH to address it and he doesn't see it...that REALLY gets under my skin.
i guess my reasons for it are
i guess my reasons for it are that i am sick of playing mommy to a kid that ill never be mommy to. though her mother is a piece, and moved to another state without her child, she still has one and i am exhausted. ill never get the respect from her or her mother and i only become angry and frustrated every day.
my so has started taking care of most of the meals, showers, picking out clothes, putting her to bed, etc., and to be honest, i want it to go further. i dont want to waste my breath yelling at her, punishing her, riding her to read or do her homework.
im very upset that her mother moved away 6 months ago. i didnt enter this relationship/engagement with the plans of having a 7 year old in my home EVERY SINGLE DAY. oh ho hum.