please don't marry this guy. Things will never change. Trust me. He is clearly still up the BM's arse...by making plans with and then just 'letting you know". I have the same thing in my house...I am never consulted...ever...but the saving grace for me is that am not expecte and do not do a single thing for skids...I am not their babysitter, their chef, their tutor, their ride....ever.....I'd be long gone if that were the case. Occasionally I will cook them dinner when my own kids are not at home...but it's very rare. DH and MIL do everything for skids and I plan to keep it that way .

My own 3 kids could make their own snacks, do their own homework and if needed (b/c I work) stay home alone while they are sick. These kids are old enough to do that, too, so you should not be having to do those things. My step kids are the same as yours, though. It is ludacris.

My best advice is to kick them all out of your house....boyfriend included.

Im sorry you are feeling like this!

Firstly - the chidren have 2 parents and you arent either one of them - you need to let go of this idea that you are their parent, and must do all and be all. Im not saying disengage, but take a few steps back.

Secondly - your feelings are not wrong and should not be invalidated by your partner. He is gaslighting you (look it up, you will see how it applies) into thinking you are the one at fault, and plays the victim, while you shake your head wondering how things got so upside down.

Thirdly - you have become his and bm's "girlfriend appliance", very useful to them. He lucked out, apparently, meeting and snagging you - kind of like Charlie who scored the "Golden Ticket", because you are a kind and hardworking person who he has turned into his children's nanny, who cooks, and cleans and chauffueres them around. And even bought a house for everyone! No wonder you feel lost, youve been sucked into this whirling vortex black hole of energy. Everyone is sucking it out of you, so you have nothing left for yourself.

Sidenote - 12-14 year olds should do their own laundry. My SD13 Munchkin has been doing hers for about since 11-ish. She can cook basic stuff too - microwaves things, including leftovers. Shes been doing that since about 10-ish. You should encourage them to be more independant in these areas as well as cleaning. Munchkin also knows how to do dishes, dust furniture and vacume.

Another point to make is that you definitely do not want to get married and/or pregnant with this guy. It sounds like they are using you. Im sorry if this sounds really harsh, but this is my impression from what you have written.

Time to have a heart to heart discussion. If they want to impose on your time, and you are willing for this to continue, then they MUST have some groundrules of notification. You MUST be included in the planning discussions.

I am disgusted by your BF's attitude, and BM thinking that she can just drop her kids off to you (and your BF thinks that that is okay?).

I spend more time with the children than the both of them do combined

Yeah, this wouldn't work for me. At all. Ever.

A couple of times I have mentioned that I feel more like a nanny than a partner when it comes to the kids, and it always turns into me and being told maybe I should have thought twice about getting involved if I didn't truly want kids.

You still have don't kids, they are not yours to take care of. He is manipulating you.

They're 12 and 14, how much "taking care of" do they really need?  I can see maybe agreeing to be there for them just as the person there for emergencies, but they better be doing something quiet while I'm working, making their own food, and cleaning up after themselves.  If you're expected to nanny for them, have that big fight that you're avoiding with your DH and change the rules. 

You could be direct, and say "LOL, no."

or

You could be indirect, wait until BM shows up with the kids, and then tell her that you have somewhere you need to be. Alone. You could do it several times to condition her to never drive the kids over.

Seriously, the only way to stay stable in this "blended" environment (I don't really like the terms given to step "families", they are terms that are too light to decribe raising somebody else's crotch nugget kid swith high expectations.) is to be as far away from it all as possible. 

You are being used, and you need to make changes - the sooner the better.

You are WORKING from home.  Tell your boyfriend and his ex that you need to WORK, and that your work is suffering for having to be an unpaid babysitter during your work hours.  These are NOT your children.  It is the responsibility of their parents to get them to their various activities, do their laundry and take care of their needs.  It is also the responsibility of their parents to PAY for their needs.  I certainly hope that, even though the house is yours, your boyfriend is contributing the majority of the household expenses.  If not, you are being used financially as well as for your free babysitting and maid services.

The reason I say you should impose these changes ASAP is that you will find out very quickly where you really stand in your relationship.  If your boyfriend truly loves you, views you as an equal partner and is worthy of your love, he will make changes.  If he gaslights, whines, complains, threatens, etc., then he's using you.  And you'll know what to do.

Having said all that, I will tell you that I watch my SDs (4 and 7) on DH's days when they're not in school.  I am the one who takes care of most of their needs while they are at our home - cooking, cleaning, laundry (although DH has been doing the laundry since our baby was born), homework, etc.  I occasionally pick up BM's slack, although I am always consulted ahead of time.  BUT - I am able to stay at home with my daughter while DH works to support the family.  I benefit from our household not having to pay for daycare.  I don't feel used, because there is a benefit to me.  In your case, you own the house, you are working - what exactly are you getting out of this?

It is just expected that because I work from home and because I signed up for this, that I am always ready and willing to be told where I have to be and when for these kids.

Who says that you signed up to be their "go to girl"? I would demand to see that contract.

I never wanted kids and being with my DH did not change that. He never once just assumed that I would babysit, cook for, or otherwise take care of his daughter just because I chose to be with him and he had a kid. I still remained childless.

Your BF needs you a hell of a lot more than you need him. And I'd remind him of that. I'd remind him of whose home he lives in and whose money paid for it. If he doesn't like that you won't be a doormat, then he can scoot on down the road with his kids in tow.

You matter more than this, and if he doesn't agree, then don't give him a chance to convince you otherwise. "Bye Felicia" his arse!

Wow. How much do nannies make? You should be making that on top of your wages from your job.  What did they do before you supposedly "signed up" to be an unpaid nanny?

You are being taken advantage of by both of them, I'd put a stop to that, right now. If your BF isn't happy with it, then you will know why he's kept you around. 

You are living exactly what I went through.  My DH and BM would plans for me to watch his three kids whenever they wanted because I too worked from home.  They decided every day after school until BM got off work unless it was DHs days.  Then I was stuck until he got off work at 8 pm.   And my DH worked every weekend.  I finally snapped and said DONE.

i have them a week to find after school arrangements for the kids.  Which were feee through the school.  And I told DH to never ever volunteer me to keep his kids without asking me first.   

I started making my own plans and doing things when I suspected DH was going to spring them on me.  Because that will happen next.  You will

put your foot down and DH will agree.  Then suddenly you will get stuck with them because it is an emergency or last minute urgent need.   That just happens to happen every week at the same time.   

I became so resentful I was ready to throw my DH out.  I told him to go live with his mother on his kid days.  

After the dust settled and DH/BM got stuck dealing with their own kids a few times they finally got the hint.

And ask your DH If he can take his kids to work with him all day...if he says no then point out that is exactly what he is demanding you do.  

Reading stuff like this always makes me sooooo stinking angry. What we have today is a society with a 32% overall single parent rate (US Census Data). 1 in every freaking 3 people have kids with no daddy or mommy around.

Did men change? Did women change? Did the kids change?

No. Society has deemed it acceptable to dump off relationships with children on a whim. It's not even frowned upon to dump off a nuclear family for any reason, which leads to adults wanting to STILL HAVE RELATIONSHIPS while carrying 60 metric asstons of baggage.

Then, unsuspecting people like you and I come around, are love-bomb-nuked until we're made of glass, and then taken a huge dump on by the children who we didn't bear, and by the parents who expect to have a "nice happy family" after dumping the man/woman they impregnated.

The district that I personally teach in has a single parenthood rate of more than 80%. It is absolutely the worst place I've ever seen in my entire life as far as behavior/respect/education is concerned, because "mummy and daddy ain't in the home, they in the club every night" trying to find some dudechick to pay the bills.

You should NOT be dealing with this garbage. Find a childless man, and dump them OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Teach your children the importance of family and children, so they don't also grow up to have terrible kids.

Sorry about that rant, I just exploded on the keyboard. What you're going through is what society at large deems as acceptable, and it's complete and utter BULLSHIT.

Your BF and BM have a sweet deal going here but darlin' there is no way in hell you should be doing ALL and/or any of this. You are a certified live in nanny that keeps BF's bed warm. Just because you work from home doesn't mean you take over parenting duties for these kids. How is it possible that you spend more time with these kids than their own parents? Don't you see something wrong here?? They make decisions about THEIR kids and don't have the decency to consult you? I have so many questions but the most important one is why do you allow this? 

You are not even married to this man and playing wifey? Please look at this situation and when you have that heart to heart, tell him your expectations and what you will and will  not do and tolerate. Their are no negotiations in this nonsense. He either respects you or he finds another Nanny/GF.

This is insane!

WHOOOAAAAA!!! - I didn't even read any of the other responses yet, but I will.  I am 10 years in and a stepmother to 3 girls and have 2 BDs.  Fist off, the kids do NOT come first, YOU do, your marriage does!! Hell to the NOO would I ever let the ex dump the kids off when I am working from home.  Are you crazy?? You are being treated like a damn door mat!

You are not responsible to to any of his parenting.  I don't do a damn think for my stepkids.  I don't help with homework, drive them anywhere or attend any school functions.  I don't get involved in their messy rooms or anything else.  I do have a clean home, well stocked fridge and that is pretty much all I will do.  

WAKE UP!!

I didn't have it exactly like you (I don't work from home), but I have had the displeasure of DH and BM making plans for me and even using me as the bad guy without even asking me about the thing ("I'm still thinking about it but I know ITB doesn't want you to do X." Seriously). It took a nuclear meltdown, magically being busy everytime I was told what I was going to be doing, and making sure to bring up the topic and say in front of the kids that I thought X was a terrific idea.

You aren't married to him. Don't do it. Find a roommate or two for the house to help with the mortgage for a while.

Yikes. How did you get to where you are with all this childcare responsibility? Did you do one or two nice things, and that turned into five or six? Agree to watch them once and it's become habit? Or did you (like many of us) try really, really hard to make sure the kids like you? OR is this a case of woman = childcare and your BF just expects it because, well, vagina? (But that doesn't explain BM's part in this--she's just got a free babysitter.)

You have GOT to find your voice before you drown here. It's great you like these kids but they are not yours to parent. Do not for one second believe you are required to do anything because you "signed up for it." You didn't. You signed up to be a girlfriend to a man that has kids. That in no way makes you the nanny, ever. You are not a villian either. Get that out of your head and vocabulary. Are the parents villians for not wanting to watch their own kids? No? Then neither are you.

I hope your BF is rational and he stops using you this way. Right now he sounds like a selfish jerk.

You will only always come in last place, if you accept that for yourself. DON'T accept that for yourself! 

I understand this BF and BM, why shouldn't they take advantage of such a rare opportunity? Invade someone else's house, mind their own business while the kids are under control, have food etc etc.

what I do not understand is you. For the Christ's sake, this is YOUR house, your day, your work, your life! Maybe you have a victim personality and you like to complain about all these people taking advantage of you? - this I can understand, happens a lot. 
Other than that why didn't you tell them "thank you, I have my own plans". Or "this is too bad, I am about to leave" ?

My goodness, is this for real?

In steplife, you HAVE to be able to stand up for yourself, to say NO/that doesn't work for me, and know what your role is and IS NOT. Everyone in steplife has their own agenda, so it's easy to get run over or exploited if you don't SPEAK UP. Boundaries are EVERYTHING. Your bf never learned how to be a single parent; he just went out and got an Instamommy, and expects things to be like they were when he was married. As for BM, she's just making the most of a freebie, isn't she?

The way it works best is, the parents coparent and handle all things pertaining to their children. Partners are there to support their partner, not to be used as a parenting proxy. You have zero obligation to lift a finger for your bf's kids, and to help BM is ridiculous. There's no template for being in a stepfamily, so it's easy to makes mistakes. But OP, you need to own your part in this mess and either end or recalibrate your relationship.

• It was a mistake to become involved with a man who hadn't established himself as a single parent.
• It was a mistake to move in together so quickly.
• It was a mistake to buy a house "with" someone you'd only been dating for a short time.
• It was a mistake become the unpaid nanny.
• It was a mistake to assume parenting tasks like homework, transport, etc.

If you want to stay in this relationship, then you need to be willing to stand tall and tell your bf (not even a husband - Lord, the gall of this guy!) that the present arrangement doesn't work for you and he and BM will have to find another nanny. Be prepared for blame shifting and pushback, because takers never like it when a dorrmat stops doormatting.

No, the kids never come first.  No kids ever should take priority over the marriage/adult relationship at the heart of the blended family or the heart of any family for that matter.

Kids are the top relationship responsibility, but never the top priority above the marriage and the marriage partners.  Period!

I agree with everyone else.  Your SO is a PITA and waste of skin as a parent. As is the BM.

I would say that it is time to invoke the "no more" mantra with both of the breeders.  No more notifying you that BM is on the way with the Skids.  No more doint YOU favors by arranging care for the Skids.  

Time to print and post the SPBOR, get it framed, and hang it in a prominant place in your home.

It is also time for DH and BM to get day care for their spawn.   You are a professional who works from home. That does not make you the live iin beck and call girl with benefits for your BF and for damned sure not for BM.  Watching the Skids during BM's time would never happen if I were you and would only happen in a very structured manner with your DH during his time with his kids ... also if I were  you.

Here is the Step-Parent Bill of Rights (S-PBOR).

Step-Parent Bill of Rights

1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

11- As an equity partner in the marriage I will be an equity parent to any child in our home regardless of biology. (I added this one).

And come in last. And always will. It sucks. I think it's  b.s. that she is bringing HER SICK kids to you, to expose you to illness. If THEIR kids are sick, they have a responsibility to stay at home with them. Would you drop your sick kid off with someone who isn't their parent? No, you wouldn't.  You'd have to stay home from work/not work. You are being taken for a ride, especially when he gets angry at you saying you are displeased by having to watch them. Like ya suck it up, you gotta watch sick kids while you're working. Notice you still have to work at home and are tasked with watching someone else's sick, germy kids. Ugh. I'm angry for you. Put your foot down. It never gets better. Steplife sucks.