Will it ever stop? Is it worth it?
Hi, I'm new here, this is my first post.
I've been with bf for 18 months, he has two sons, 3 and 4. I currently don't have a child. While I love and care about them, I'm so sick and tired of the bio mom always treating me like dirt, badmouthing me and so on. Everyweek, it's something! bf has 50% custody but in reality, we have the kids here at least 70% of the time.
I feel like instead of her badmouthing me and treating me like crap, she should be thanking me! She gets paid to spend time with her kids while I do it for free! And on top of that have to put with her antics almost everyday! Even though I work full time, on the days the boys are here, I rush home to make them dinner and most of the time they don't eat it so I end up giving them what she gives them( Mcdonalds' chicken nuggets and fries), help bf bathe them, get them ready for bed, lay down with them until they fall asleep. And, 90% of the time, one kid or both would come into our bed by the time we go to bed. I'd expressed to bf that I don't feel comfortable with his sons always sleeping in our bed but he told me "would you feel the same way if it was our kid?" In the last few months, ss3 won't fall asleep unless he's in our bed and I'm laying down with him. He hangs on to my bra straps and during the night if I move an inch, he starts crying. Needless to say I don't get goodnight sleep unless they're at bio mom's.
I've put up with a lot of abusive treatments from bio mom in the last 18 months. I tried to be the bigger person, I invited her over for lunch, she came but didn't say a word to me during lunch and then, yelled at bf, calling me all sorts of names while I was seating there at my kitchen table! Now, I love bf and the boys but since we don't have bio kids and we're not married, I'm wondering if this is even worth it? why should I put up with that kid of treatment? Do I really want to bring a child into this kind of chaos?
no, you don't. it will only
no, you don't. it will only get worse. and you should really stop trying to mother his kids. it's his job to take care of them. he won't appreciate it, their mother doesn't, and they will grow up and not appreciate it, either. you're wasting your time with a man with young children and an evil xw. sorry, but you sound young enough to still make a better life.
^ agreed. Run, run like
^ agreed.
Run, run like hell.
I. am. not. kidding.
You're not wrong for how you
You're not wrong for how you feel. These are NOT your kids. Your bf should not put this huge responsibility on you. You are not their parent, his comment over whether it would be different if it were your kids shows he thinks you should treat his kids like your own. You poor girl. You don't even have kids of your own. It's ok to detach from the situation, stop talking with the kids mom. Make him deal with her. Make him feed and bathe his kids. Only do the things you WANT to do. If you don't, you will go unappreciated and be disrespected for years to come!
BM is no longer allowed in
BM is no longer allowed in the house. She picks up the kids at daycare when it's her turn and vise versa. But once in a while she can't get them, so Bf picks them up in that case, she calls when she gets here and takes them out to her.
BF tells me that it'll get better and that I shouldn't worry. But I am. To give you an idea of what kind of a bitch she is, since June, the kids have been kicked out of 4 daycares. BF is afraid skids might get blacklisted from daycares in our city if BM continues with her behaviors.
I feel like BF doesn't understand me or is not taking my concerns seriously. Whenever I bring up my concerns, he said he's keeping tallies of her behaviors and when it's enough, he'll take her to court to file for full costudy. I'm not so hopeful. Just last night, after BM's latest stunt,I told him I've had enough and he told me "remember we have kids, you're a mother figure to those boys, we're a family". Bull Shit! I care about them because I'm a caring person. They're not mine and no matter what I do for them, they'll never be mine! I wish BF would understand that.
"release your inner bitch"-I
"release your inner bitch"-I like that, have to remember that.
You have a crazy BM and 2 kids that are probably going to get more and more messed up as time goes on. I really can't imagine that you'll want to suffer through that the rest of your life.
Tallies? Ask him how he's keeping tallies. Is he writing down times, dates, behaviors? If not, then he's really not doing anything. A court is going to want specifics.
That "tallies" comment sounds like a stall and that "we have kids" line is designed to make you feel guilty and responsible. You have 2 choices as I see it: tolerate it and live with it the rest of your life or figure out what your limit is, sit down with BF and give him a choice: either deal w/ex to your satisfaction or you're gone. I'd have a reasonable list of demands such as the boys do not sleep with you, he will file for full custody w/in the next 6 months, he will get the kids into couseling, he will agree to couples counseling, he will ban BM permanently from the property.....whatever it is you want within reason. Set a limit and make him understand that you will not live the rest of your life this way; you want children and you will not bring them into a situation like this. He needs to grow a set of hairy balls and if he doesn't do it soon, you will not live under these conditions anymore. Put some value on your life and your goals. Set an end date for your goal with this-3 months, 6month, whatever floats your boat-and if things are not changed for the better, go find someone without all the baggage; find a guy that will help you raise beautiful, well adjusted babies. But DH will screw around for as long as he thinks you will let him do it.
BF absolutely wants me to
BF absolutely wants me to treat the kids like they're my own and gets offended when tried to explain to him the reality of the situation.
While ss3 is glued to me during the 5 days they're with us, when he sees BM, he physically pushes me away, runs to her and God forbid I try to give a hug or kiss goodbye, he screams bloody murder! And yet, when BM is not there, ss3 won't sleep unless he's in our bed, hanging on to my bra strap. And ss4 started this new thing now where whenever his dad or I attempt to discipline him for bad behavior, he says "mama,mama, I want to go to mama". This totally always causes BF to enforcing a rule, whether it's for ss4 to sleep in his bed or being put on timeout. It's so frustrating!
I am afraid your BF is
I am afraid your BF is manipulating and bullying you, whether deliberately or not. He has got a great game going where you step into line and continue to behave as the maid just as soon as he plays the guilt card. This has got to stop. Have a read of this link: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html. Don't think I'm suggesting you turn your back on the lot of them, or being bitter, but the link gives you some notions of how to redress the balance of power and make the family more healthy/test how healthy it can be. These boys sound potentially adorable and loving of you but with a BM like this (I actually find the clutching onto your bra straps touching, sorry), she will turn them against you. I know. It happened to me. You already have evidence of how damaging this is in that they appear to be having to prove to her how much they love her, by rejecting you. Wait til they get good at that! You will be so so hurt! Stepchildren in this situation, ironically, the more they love the SM, the more they have to hide it by being cruel to her. And your BF, who totally lacks insight, will THEN say in years to come, hey look what a bad SM you are! They hate you! And you will have said plenty of vaguely negative things in reaction to their behaviour that he will then dig out and use against you, making you the person responsible for the situation, NOT the deeply manipulative bio parents here.
controlling the influence of BM and (b) sorting out the household discipline, are met, then it's a trial separation.
You need absolute proof that he can block off all BM's games and tricks and, tough though this sounds, if I were you I would set a 6-month time limit and say that unless your goals as to
Run, run run, especially if
Run, run run, especially if you are having doubts now. Don't wait until its too late and other children are involved. I can tell you from experience there is nothing more annoying than a woman who hardly cares to have her children...except to collect money!
Thanks for all the
Thanks for all the suggestions and support.