My mother swore at us - we turned out ok, though Oprah and Dr. Phil may disagree and say that's why we swear at our kids on occasion. BUT....my mom was pretty conservative the rest of the time, and the most she ever gave me was a "shit" or "Goddammmit!" I, however pull out that big F-ing one at least every other week (at least it's not day- probably because my 13 year old son isn't here every other day ;)) I admit to others freely that my children have driven me at times to swear like a trucker with a sailors thesaurus. I find it interesting that older women from my writer's group don't seem to find it that funny, but my mom finds it a hilarious statement.

I don't do it often. But I do swear at the teenager in particular. BM swears at SD all the time so I try to refrain. She's already getting her choice expletive resources fulfilled.

All that being said..You're human. She'll survive it. Though now I would expect you'll be getting that one quite often in return (but look at it this way, you've probably been getting it internally from her for quite some time already!)

Peace, love, and red wine

she totally deserved it but I understand your feeling. She will survive and maybe sitting down with her and saying that being mean will not change anything and bad words b/w you two will stop.
(it is hard not to respond the way you did but we are the adults ya know) you gave her ammunition to use against you later..you know how catty us women can be. She is a little monster but I would just treat here like a distant cousin. ????
good luck JESS!!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

I guess I could have told you what I said after not swearing to SD but still saying something mean in response to her meanness.

During an argument over Ipods, I answered her question about whether or not I took my sons Ipods from her room, with the question, "How could I have taken them if they took them to their dad's like they were supposed to?"

SD got up in my face with a horrible sneer and said, "Don't you know that if you lie that just teaches US to lie?!?!??!"

I retorted, "Haven't you figured out yet that I've given up on you??????" What I meant was given up on teaching her, and I felt bad about saying it the minute it came out of my mouth.

She was headed to BM's that night and before she left I could tell she'd been crying. I hugged her and looked into her eyes and said, "I didn't mean that. I don't want to give up. I said it because you had hurt me. We need to find a nicer way to talk to each other."

She didn't reply but did hug me hard before she left. Of course the next week came the "you're not my mother you can't tell me what to do" exchange (see post with same title.) But....

Saw her therapist this week, and she said SD's confused and I think it's really true. She also suggested to stop policing the kids (about the Ipods- I had forbid SD to take them to her mom's to download music because she loses stuff all the time and I didn't buy them their dad did.) Plus I absolutely HATE all the electronic crap the other parents keep imposing on my home- the kids are over- stimulated and under physically active.- that's another post.

I believe that it never hurts to apologize for our actions if it's called for, and try to have a heart to heart about why it happened. Kids need to see we are vulnerable. It takes a strong person to share their true feelings. If we want to create that with them, we need to show them the way.

Peace, love, and red wine

Sounds like she does care for you and sometimes kids are not taught how to deal with their feelings and I think it is an awesome thing that you told her to write in her journal...it is also a big deal to me that you "talked" to her not down to her.

maybe she needs to learn more about babies and how it will be a positive for her life to be a big sister..
it will be a long road but I think she will step up.
good luck!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

absolutely, the best thing I ever did in my life was have my Bss.
AT least your DH is in your corner too.
you are doing an awesome job as a SM you will be a great MOM!!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

I promise you!

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

I think we are ALL guilty of it.

Too bad you couldn't have just completely unloaded on her - gotten it all out of your system. If you're gonna screw up, you might as well screw up BIG!

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Jess... I think any of us put in that same situation w/a child that has been campaigning to end your pregnancy for weeks is bound to swear at such a rude child. I am sure you shocked her.. lol.. and would love to have know what went through her mind when those words came tumbling out.

I am also glad to hear that your DH told her to shut the hell up when she again asked for you to get an abortion. I just think that kind of request is HORRID.. and am glad that someone finally told her to shut up. I mean.. There are things in this world that happen.. things in my life that happen.. and I have been taught that filter on what is ok to voice and what is NOT.. That girl needs to learn that lesson before she crosses the wrong person in the future.. and they arent as nice about it as you two are!

so I guess she is lucky I am not her step mother. How does a child her age know about abortions & who is she to be telling anyone to get one. Maybe someone ought to have encouraged her mother to get one.

Sorry, it just slipped out

you're human and hormonal. If someone (anyone) attacked my child I would have said more that F Y.
If she hates the baby and wants you to get an abortion, she should not be living with you. God forbid, but she could hurt the baby "accidentally". Don't take a chance. You need to talk to a counselor about this one.

Kids these days are being raised as Narcisists.. plain and simple.. they think that everything should revolve around them and that they should be worshipped. kids these days dont think about what they say or do to others and have little to NO empathy.

My skids also are narcisists.. I blame this on the bm AND my dh. They all lead them to believe that they were the center of the universe. I am predicting they will not do well in life.

I am w/sweetthing.. if my skids said I should get an abortion.. I would be otch slap them as well. Also, I think that if I were as hormonal as pregnant women get, I think I would have suggested that she would not be there if her mom had had one!! that might shut her up for sure!

I don't understand what these parents are doing to their kids these days by not holding them accountable to anything. I raised my kids by myself for 10+ years and I had to be a total a$$hole at times. I am not out to make friends with my kids, I need/want them to grow up and be productive adults. I love them with all my heart but I find it crippling for them if I don't use some tough love. I don't feel sorry for your SD either, at 19 and 17 I still better not hear anything like FU come out of either of my kids mouths, ever! They will be packing their stuff to move out!

~Evil

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

I seriously wouldn't be able to handle a kid telling me I should have an abortion either...
I definitely would have freaked out on her.

I called my SD a 'f-ing brat' and you would have thought I had killed her or something, by her and her mom's reaction (the same one who described sex to SD and her pre-teen friends).

There are still repercussions because no one had ever called her down before. But I don't care and it does send the msg. you are sick of her sh*t.

She is just throwing that abortion stuff in to be shocking . . . I would tell her one time, if you ever say that again, you are going to live at your mom's. And do it.

I don't feel sorry for her feelings, etc., no kid gets to choose the number of kids in the family for crissake.

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

Hi

I think both you and sd can work this out. I mean you both are better than my step-mum and I. We both would say not talk to each other for awhile then we would starting talking but never discuss what was said. She would never say sorry or neither would I. We got to the point when she threatened to kill me and I said go on then and we ended up having a physical fight which ended with my dad pulling us apart. In the end my dad realised how much she hated me and the worse thing about that was my half-brother hearing her wanting to kill me.

STEPPING.

She has said what I was going to say maybe she feel settles and your her mummy now and she got her dad there. To her the family is complete maybe she didn't expect you to even want a child of your own.
Maybe now she got this anger as she feels that she is going to be the odd one out when baby comes. The baby with make both you and your dh closer and she wont fit in.

Some of what you have said would of hurt her more. I honestly feel sorry for her its hurts terrible. She needs to go speak to someone as she got all this anger. Especially before the baby comes I might say when the babys born she takes her anger out on the baby. Its not fair for the baby to be brought into a household like this.

This is your first baby and you don't know how much stress a new baby is going to cause for all of you. She may not have that attention for awhile when the babys born but its got to be said that you and dh got make sure what she does won't change.
Ofcourse for her its seems that already the baby has changed this because you can't afford the summer camp. Sorry to say this but I would feel the same but what other things could she do. Already it must be the baby this and that. Have you included her in discussing the baby. Telling her she will be big sister and making her feel that she will have a new bro or sis to look after.
What my biggest fear was that my step-mum wanted a girl. She had a son from a previous relationship and had a son with my dad already. I was really when they had my half-brother. Think I was so happy not sure at all. I know it was my step-mum that was jealous and resentful. So I know she wanted a baby girl. When she feel pregnant and this was when I was like 17 I felt to myself she really wants a girl to try and replace me. Ofcourse I was nearly and adult and maybe I shouldn't of felt that way but it was. I was happy when she told me she was having a boy. I'm still the only girl but with the way she is I knew that once a girl was born my dad relationship with me would change. As their family would of been so complete.
I don't think all of you really understand that already a child coming to terms with their parents split then getting to know dads new partner. Then it becomes having to share is attention and you feel this woman can make him love the new baby more than you. You all sorts of feelings.
I think what my step-mum has realise and now what I've realise now as they have two boys together and she got her son. That no matter what my dad will always be there for me whatever. Now I know she accepted me and started calling me her daughter as she obviously don't want another baby now.

I think children whether their daughter or sons from previous relationship should be thought of more when parents decide to have a child together. I mean obviously if it was not planned it was expected to happen if you don't use anything. My dp and I were trying for a baby and he knew this even when we stopped trying as we was not using anything.

All I can say is nothing will change when a new baby comes along but obviously for you sd it will. New babys just cause you and dh to have so much stress. Lack of sleep with cause rows and everything you try to do will stop because of the baby. Your main forcus will be on the new baby for awhile you and dh will be united in the joy of a baby. When you dp and you go bed the baby wakes and you find that he needs to sleep to get up for work and your doing alot you will feel stressed. So all I am staying a baby does change situations even in your own relationships let alone with a step-child. Then it will be you feeling that you can't treat the sd the same as your own. Which is will be natural to feel for your own child more than your sd. If she find with you by then you got to make sure that she never picks up you loving her less.

Good luck with everything think you will did it.

I MEAN WHAT ALL OF YOU HAVE SUGGESTED TO JESS LIKE SLAPPING HER OR EVEN TELLING SUCH THING. WOULD BE DAMAGING TO A CHILD. REMEMBER STEPKIDS THAT AGE ARE ONLY YOUNG. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND FULLY ABOUT THINGS.

UMMM.. I take HUGE offense that SM should consider the skids when deciding on having a baby.. but that it would only be ok if it was BY ACCIDENT..

I have to say Mystery23 that you clearly still have issues of wanting your dad all to yourself if even as an adult you are saying that you are HAPPY that your SM didnt have a girl and that you didnt want your SM to have more children.

I dont think you or anyone else has the right to say if another human being should reproduce. That is Jess's god given right.. her sd's bm exercised her god given right. WHY is it that its A OKAY for the bm's to have more freakin kids w/the new dh's BUT not for the Biodads to have more kids w/THEIR new wives.

I fall into that category of, this is my first marriage and I have no children, my dh does, and I want a child of my own.. I am NOT thinking about my skids feelings in this matter. They will have thier turn later in life to decide if they want to have a family or not.. NOW is my time.

I think that little girl's behavior is APPAULING!!! If this was an intact family she would NOT be having these same outbursts.. She should stop acting like this is being done to her!! That kid is a narcisist.. and if you agree that her feelings are JUSTIFIED then Mystery23 I think you are a bit of a narcisist TOO.

I get where you all are coming seriously.

I know her behaviour is very bad her telling her sm to have an abortion. I wouldn't say that to my step-mum at all but jess and her sd do talk about their feelings which I feel is good.

It will take time but once they get to the bottom of her anger then they will be able to deal with it.
Alot of people want kids of their own step-parent or not but the sd probably feels another baby going to change her relationship with both of them.

I think this will be sorted soon. She will start to love the idea of having a brother or sister. I love my half-brothers so much.
I don't want my father all to myself I got my own family. I know my dad will always be there if I need him.

I think well if it was just how you all would react then fair enough.
When a new baby comes along you got to make sure that child is involved helping otherwise they will not feel included at all.

Wow. I can honestly say that my SD2 has NEVER given me reason to swear at her, though her father certainly has sworn at her.
Ok, so if you're going to feel bad, you should have done it before talking to her. After talking to her, there's no reason to feel any remorse. If SD is going to talk about having abortions, then she should be talked to as an adult, because that what her comments were, part of adult conversation. But any negative conversation about the baby is a reflection of a deeper issue.
I'm not sure I know too many kids thought, who don't feel some negative feelings when thier parents, step or biological, get pregnant. Its normal for any kid to feel anxiety about another child comes into the family. I think its great that she has agreed to go to a counselor. Its a sign that she doesn't not want you to have a baby, but just has feelings about it that she doesn't really know how to express. Just like I'm sure you have feelings that you don't quite know how to express about your SD and the baby.
Maybe spending some time with your SD, having a family activity that happens at least once a week (I always hated family game nights but once we got going, I had fun) so that she feels more confident with her place in the family. CAUTION: make sure you are doing the activity too, not just her father because otherwise, when the baby is born, she might expect her father's time and get angry when he has to give the baby some attention too.

I am not a big proponant of hitting slapping. However I don't think all this time out or I am taking away your video game crap works either. Kids today are very much spoiled& out of control compared to 20, 30 years ago. Just the thought of my mom being mad made us tow the line.

I come from a family where 41 years later my parents who have hated each other through a good portion of it are still married. Staying together for the children is never a good idea, although my parents just recently seemed to have worked it out. My parents NEVER asked my permission when they decided to have my brother or sister. WTF! Back in the day parents made the decisions & kids were kids & did as they were told, end of story. When you start paying the mortgage than we'll talk, until then Mom & Dad are the decision makers.

I am scared for Jess that this mentally disturbed child might hurt her or the baby. At 10 I did not know what abortion was. This child needs help and Jess & the baby need protection.

As to swearing at her, she will live. My mom could cuss like a sailor when she was upset. BTW my mom is a devote christian & a deacon in her church. She is one of the most loving women I know, however she could yell & swear with the best of them when she was younger. Guess what, I am not scarred for life. I am a very good wife, mother step or otherwise. I hold a job, pay bills & support my own children... oh & I have never laid a hand on another person.

My youngest step son wanted a baby more than anything, the oldest wasn't in love with the idea of us having one. However when they found out we were pregnant they were thrilled & they love their brother in the same way they love each other.

I don't think I could have had them in the house if I thought they would hurt the baby. She needs help now & dad needs to make sure she gets it or she needs to be somewhere else. IMO.

wow, amazing how all this time I felt I was just a selfish person (ok still selfish but not alone!! LOL) that I would wish that the skids were staying over at friends house the weekends they are with us, one time they both stayed the night at friends house and had an extra day w/o them!
then I feel bad cuz then their dad does not get to spend much time with them..
they will be 16 and 13 this year I think HOPE we will not be seeing them all the time EOW...uuuuooohh I am bad!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

Cruella-----be very careful with this girl. It is not normal behavior & I wouldn't put my baby in jeopardy for one second. I wouldn't have slapped her---but I would not want her near me.

...how SMs are expected to just be there, not say anything but just be there. Sure, a significant portion of OUR checking account and time goes to SS's and SD's, whether it be CSPs or equestrian camp. But whenever we reach our limits, we're still expected to remain a sideline player. Now, perhaps F*ck you was not the right thing to say. But at 15 years old, SD knew her comment was inappropriate as well. My feeling is, if a child wants to act and talk as an adult, he/she should be ready to be spoken to as an adult. NOT TO MENTION, you are PREGGO! When do YOU get a break???? What ever happened to not making the pregnant lady mad?

Cruella.. I read the same post... the SD kicked her in the stomach sending her to the floor. The baby died from a blow to the head. That would have ended my marriage.. I can tell you that for sure.

Jess.. take every precaution for you and your child. This kid is playing w/less than a full deck.

her threats are unacceptable.

Maybe you and your dp should explain that there are alot of people who have a worse life that she feels she's had. Alright you can't change the past which is hard for her to know. You can tell her that now you and your dp are trying to give her a good life like. She might also wish that she had a mum like you aswell. I think also its going to hard watch you and dp with a new born she might feel for awhile she don't fit in but I'm sure in time she will be okay.

I think what I did its more to do with the fact my step-mum once said to me do you still think about your sister. Yeah then basically went on to say my half-brother was meant to be and it came across as wrong. It was something like that she said which upset me.
To help you understand my dad slept with my mum behind my step-mum back many years ago before they got married. Then my mum got pregnant had my sister and when she was two she died. So think this is because of that i felt so resentful of what she said I mean I would never say that to anyone. I think its because as my father said to me aswell he could of treated my sister like me as I think my step-mum would of been more resentful to her. Sorry for me going on.

I think you and your sd will be fine.

little opinion about this because......I would just be hoping that she was not there! You have more patience than I could ever hope for Jess!

~Evil

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

This kid doesn't know when to stop. Your DH needs to set her straight. If she has had a crappy life before you, that is not yours or your babies fault. How old is this kids & why does she think she has ANY imput in this situation.

Jess, I am really afraid for you & the baby.

Does she see her mom at all?

I am wondering if you shouldn't just sit her down yourself and have a nice little chat with her. She really needs to be brought down a notch and it looks as if DH has not been able to get this under control. I would talk to her woman to woman, if she wants to put herself in this position then she is getting what she asked for. I would let her know that you and your child are not going anywhere and that she will be out of the house in two shakes if she ever touches your baby or you. Not to mention that you might just have to beat the crap out of her yourself. Let her know who the woman of the house is in no uncertain terms. This has gone far enough. My little SD got pissed at me one day and got in my face, I let her know right then and there that I would slap her into next week if she did it ever again and if she wants to call CPS, have at, they can take your little spoiled a$$ to a foster home. See how you like that! I just don't see this situation getting any better for you and you don't need this stress with a baby on the way. Take control and put her little smart a$$ in her place. Good luck

~Evil

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

The past or what SD's understanding of her birth or of her dads involvement in it. We don't get to pick our parents or the circumstances that we are born into, none of us get that. I should not be so harsh but it is not your fault that she is behaving this way and weather she fells hurt or not is no excuse to be so disrespectful. She is acting like a 2 year old that didn't get the toy she wanted in the store and she is too old to be doing that. Regardless of what BM has put in her head her father is still her father, he loves her no matter what other children come after her. Do you think she would feel the same way if BM and DH were still together and they had another child?? I doubt it. What if she was the second child and her dad was in the room with the first one and not her? I'm sorry Jess, I just have a hard time feeling sorry for someone that is so disrespectful. Forgive me for being so blunt.

~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

Take that girl to the doctor, she has mental issues. Do it before she hurts or kills your baby. I understand that you care, but don't let caring and wanting to cloud the issue that this girl is dangerous

jess.... I hope that your dh has told her that her opinion on whether or not he is IN the delivery room is not being solicited. That he is the adult and he will do as he pleases.

This girl, sorry to say, is a narcisist. I hope to god that counseling can help her.. and she can come to terms w/her new family and that there is enough love for all.

I agree with Steve and Cruella as well.
Some times my tongue gets so sore from biting it all day long that the odd F-bomb does slip out.
Remind her of the old saying
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" you may have to explain it to her.

"Life's tough, but it's tougher if your stupid"