Emotions invalidated?
I have come to the realisation that for the last 3 years I have been with my partner, we have a very toxic pattern - I get upset/angry about the crappy behaviour of his 17 year old daughter, the constant interference of BM and BM's equally delightful mother, we end up having a huge argument. My feelings are not considered, my emotions dismissed and then to add fuel to the fire, he then gets angry with me and starts defending the undefendable! I have spent most of today in tears as I can't believe I have allowed myself to be treated this way. What is it with these men who think it's ok to bring all their crap into your world and then when you have an opinion, reaction to it, they think it's ok to turn it on us?! I didn't cause this, yet I'm collateral damage. I feel that I am in the world's slowest ever car crash that I didn't cause! I would never dream of allowing my ex, my kids to cause so much damage to our relationship yet it's a repeated pattern for him. Ahhhh. Rant over
There are people out there
There are people out there who don't give a sh!t about the emotions of others. Their only concern is making their own life as easy and pleasant as possible. Or maybe their concern is looking like a "great guy" to certain people. Whatever their concern is, it isn't you. That's not your fault and there isn't anything you can do to change that. From your post i can't tell if this describes your situation or not, but these guys and gals are out there. We assume that the fact that we care about them means they also care about us. Not always true.
Since he has split from BM (9
Since he has split from BM (9 bloody years ago although you'd think it was yesterday!) He has always tried to "do the right thing by his kids" the right thing it would seem is allowing your boundaries to be broken, allowing your kids to behave like manipulative, self centred, dysfunctional human beings and not considering your partners feelings in any of it. Things have actually improved in the last few months believe it or not! (BM blocked on everything bar phone for calls and texts) used to be WhatsApp, social media - you name it, she was on it! She is banned from our house (used to just turn up at my partner's old home to "support" her daughter emotionally!) She is a classic narcissistic alienator who has successfully sabotaged DH's relationship with kids but loves to try and be oh so present in our lives still (why can't people move on?) I just wish my partner could walk in my shoes for while to understand the impact all of this has on our relationship. The defensiveness is just plain weird.
now that you know the pattern
now that you know the pattern, what can you do to remove yourself from it?
how can you get yourself out of the line of fire and let his anger focus on the ones it should be going to?
his daughter will never change. getting upset only damamges your happy home, can you just grey rock it?
situation happens, normally you'd get angry and show your upset.
can you just try to mentally think "this is what I expect from her. I am not going to give her the anger she wants and damage my relationship for her." and breathe in, then breathe out the anger and send your focus elsewhere?
Completely get where you are
Completely get where you are coming from and that is sound advice for sure! Putting into practice is the hard bit as we're all only human and there's something very human about expressing feelings and wanting validation. I will look inwards for that. On a positive note, how cathartic is this site?! Love to you all in all your step parenting endeavours.
This is exactly how this
This is exactly how this Disneyland dad is over here.
Typically it's a permissive parenting style that may work when they're fresh out of divorce/single but when you have a partner/blended family then everyone has to adjust to some extent.
For the permissive parent/Disneyland parent the change means more structure, more communication, more organization and these Disneyland parents don't want to put in effort to make positive change. Many of them are more concerned about placating their kids than doing the work to maintain a harmonious (as possible) household where everyone's needs/wants are considered
Most people do not like change. Especially these Disneyland parents who are quite delusional thinking them and their kids are perfect and get highly offended then defensive when you share your feelings about how their parenting style negative affects you.
This is exactly it! I lost
This is exactly it! I lost both my parents at a young age so life is precious to me and maybe I am quick to remove toxic energy from my life because of this. My kids (all adults now) adore my partner and that is because I brought them up to be respectful, resilient and able to function as healthy, self aware individuals who genuinely care. I think it's grey rock approach from now on as mentioned earlier. I love my man but until he see's what I see, we are always going to struggle to get on the same page with this situation. Karma will take care of it I am sure because nasty people are unable to hide their true colours for extended periods of time and I can see he is exhausted by her behaviour much of the time.
It never works in reality.
In the land of delusion, anything can work.
So, what are going to do about it all?
If you keep tolerating it, nothing will change.
Take care of you.
Doing “ The Right Thing “
Is parenting his DD. To mold her into a nice person, The type of person everybody likes. The people who counts, Employers are happy to have her on there team. His DW is happy to see his DD. This unfortunate takes a lot of effort on his part.
Two he must understand divorce,, That splitting from the ex. Once you are lovers, you can not go back to being friends.. You can not be friends with the ex. Especially when there another partner.
He to pay his CS , by check. [record] any ester money medical bills, school, text and check [record]. There should be no talking to the ex. Everything in texts. Most people don't talk anymore.
'Letting his DD run a muck, causing trouble, is bad parenting, Having BM control anything is being a bad partner..
You know after all this time . He not going to change..he doing what he wants. Enmeshed with the ex. And SD. Even when SD turns 18 it's not going to matter. Just a new set of excuses..SD ' is going to college' must talk with the ex about ..doms. Food plan, books, etc.
'It's up to you,now on what you do,, take it or leave..