Did I make the right decision, breaking up with my BF because of his kid?
Hope this is okay-- there is a similar post a few lines down, but from someone in a different age bracket.
I am 30 (still feel young, but starting to feel the pressure of wanting to get married and maybe have a family of my own). Three months ago I broke up with my boyfriend who has a young son. We dated for 3.5 years. The BM is totally out of the picture-- like, GONE. Not at all a part of the kid's life. So obviously she was awful, but she didn't really affect us or our lives. The drama was all related to me never being comfortable with his child. I tried, and tried-- even went to therapy for two years to help me with my anxiety about spending time with him. While his son was your typical toddler/young boy who was bratty a lot and had his every whim catered to, he wasn't really so bad. (I feel bad saying that about this cute little boy, but ugh! He was not well behaved and frankly, pretty spoiled, and I just... don't like being with kids. Maybe it'd be different if it was my own kid, but he's not, and never will be.) There was also this added pressure of filling in as mother since his own mother abandoned him.
It all seemed very worth it to try, because my BF was seriously wonderful. Kind, generous, smart, attractive, funny, sweet, good career, but most of all, he treated me better than I ever imagined anyone could. He was so understanding and never asked anything of me as a step-girlfriend (or whatever you want to call it). He wanted to marry me but gave me space and time to be ready for him and his kid. We absolutely clicked together. My family loved him. I loved him. Blah blah blah. Everything was perfect except for that niggling problem that I felt sick when I thought about moving in together, getting married, and being step-mom to his son. I couldn't explain it and I couldn't control it... I just wanted to scream and run in the other direction. I couldn't commit to it.
We broke up a total of three times over this, and this last time has stuck. I know that at least at this point in our lives, getting back together isn't an option. I was making myself miserable and they both deserved so much better than that.
But I just... can't... get over it. Can't get over him. I know what everyone will think when I say "but he was the love of my life..." but really... he just... he was the love of my life. We had so much fun together, and were good at working through and talking about our problems. He was so patient... and asked so little of me when it came to his son. It makes me cry when I think about some alternate universe where I could meet him before he had kids.
I feel like my life is over. Three months have passed and I can't seem to get over what I've let go. So I don't know what I'm asking of you all, exactly-- maybe I just need you all to shake me and tell me I did the right thing, or something? Honestly, it was to the point where I was crying every day, and spending time with his son was the last thing I ever wanted to do. So I feel like logically I know I did the right thing, but my heart...
Just... any advice... words of wisdom... anything?! I gotta snap myself out of feeling so awful like I let the chance of marrying someone wonderful slip through my fingers! Please help me.
I have made a list like that
I have made a list like that (a few of them actually) and they do help somewhat. Thank you for your kind words. I hope you are right that I will look back and know it was the right decision.
Thank you so much...
Thank you so much... especially for the part about not being a bad person. It's really hard to convince myself sometimes that I'm not just a selfish jerk.
you can't settle for
you can't settle for permanent discomfort in your relationship.
Man-- that sums it up so perfectly. I'm terrible at articulating what I was going through but this pretty much nails it.
I read your blog post and first of all, hug. Sounds like an incredibly frustrating situation. But I think the fact that you're trying to be proactive about what can be done about your SD's behavior is definitely step number one. I know how hard it is to find the courage to do what you have to do. But you CAN do it. It's hard, but you can.
Yes... that cold dread feeling is the worst thing I've ever experienced, honestly. I miss my boyfriend like crazy-- but I don't miss that.
Date someone else. It will
Date someone else. It will reset your thinking.
I agree with the others.
I agree with the others. Give it some time and start dating other people.
Think of it this way .. at least you can look back on your memories of him as a great person and wonderful boyfriend. Given another few years with him and his kid, your opinion of him and the situation could have DRASTICALLY chagned for the worst. There are plenty of stepmoms here who can attest to it getting worse over time .. not better. That kid will be in his life in some shape or form for the rest of his life.
It was a good time and he was a good person. And it's all a piece of your past now.
It's hard to imagine dating
It's hard to imagine dating someone else right now, but we'll see.
I think you make a really great point. I didn't want to ever get to the point where I resent him or have it become a situation where I hate my life. This way I remember the good things-- I need to remind myself that that is a BETTER scenario, even if it means I might look at our relationship through rose-colored glasses.
Thank you so much... I cried
Thank you so much... I cried while reading your comment. It's really hard to convince myself sometimes that I'm not just a selfish jerk. So thank you.
To answer the question you posed: I really don't know. It seemed like they were two equal parts: my love for him and my queasy feeling about a lifetime as a step-parent. I felt torn equally in two for years. But maybe it's better to not be torn in two than it is to be happy in just one part of my life, you know?
I'm sorry for your situation.
I'm sorry for your situation. *hugs* I really am. I think I had a taste of what you're going through, if not to the extent, and I know it's not easy. In a way, though, you have helped me make my decision. I trust you when you and others say it wouldn't have gotten better-- only worse.
As for why he didn't make changes... I think he thought he was, but I didn't see it, really. Many changes happened just because his son got older. Problems he had as a two-year-old were solved by the time he was six, just like they are for most children. New problems came in to take their place, hehe.
But I do think he mostly thought-- and maybe I did too-- that it was all MY problem-- the way *I* felt. *shrug*
I would say not all great
I would say not all great chemistries are great life fits. If u went against your gut you and he would probably end up resenting each other. Sorry, I know it's really hard. I think dating casually and spending time with friends will help.
I am going to try to do just
I am going to try to do just that. At least, being social and spending time with friends. Dating, I don't know. We'll see.
I really appreciate your comment.
You did the right thing. The
You did the right thing. The step kid is never going away. Find a man without children and you will be much happier.
*sigh* I hope, and think, you
*sigh* I hope, and think, you are right. I just have to hang in there till I find that happiness again.
It takes alot of courage to
It takes alot of courage to walk away from something that you know is not going to work. More so when you love someone. 3 months is not alot of time to get over someone you have spent years with and were hoping to have a future with. In the long run if you had stay'd with him you would have made ya'll both miserable. I now that you made the right decision. Be proud of your self. Learn how to make your self happy once that happens you'll be ready to move forward. Good Luck!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. It's really hard to convince myself sometimes that I'm not just a selfish jerk, so I plan to save all these comments and revisit them when I need to remind myself that it's all for the best.
I'm sorry you had to go
I'm sorry you had to go through the pain of the breakup with a good guy, but I'm glad things turned out right for you in the end. I'm going to cling on to that hope that the same will be true for me.
Especially your last sentence-- thank you.
In my 20s I loved a man so
In my 20s I loved a man so much I thought I would die when it was over. And I had to be the one to leave too. I'll be honest I hurt for a good year at least maybe two.
But within two years I'd met someone else. Now I never forgot how much I loved the first guy. But honestly today I don't know if I would recognize him on the street. I've had a great life that I would not have had with him.
I am a firm believer that you can stop loving anybody if you try. Not saying that it is quick or easy but it is possible. And sometimes it is just mandatory.
Run!!! Far far away and find
Run!!! Far far away and find a new man
im 3 weeks into a break up
im 3 weeks into a break up for your exact same reason - a child!
I think im handling it better than him because I am the one who made the decision, for once I am in control. he knows what he has lost with me, and I miss him terribly too. infact I just posted another thread asking if I really made the right decision, even though I know I have. im just trying to convince myself, its always the hardest part. but hey, you only get outta life what you're willing to put up with. I could not shake how I felt about his kid, I hate even looking at him hes starting to look like his butt ugly bm and when I say UGLY I mean UGLY! I don't think resentment and jealousy are nice feelings to have at all. I know you feel you have lost the love of your life, as I do right now aswell but I only pray we both get stronger. think how brave that decision was to walk out and decide that you wanna be number one! take time for yourself, look at the responsibility you took on and now don't have. embrace the relief!!
god only knows how much it freakin sucks breakin up with someone. we have both learned from the mistake though - leave the men with children where they belong, with their bloody children and not with you. I hope we both find some good guys with NO BAGGAGE who we may even love more so than our ex's!