I don't like my step kid or my fiance parenting style
Thank GOD I found this site!!! I thought I was nuts. I really don't like my soon to be step son. He's not bad, says I love you like 8 times a day (literally) and introduces me as his step mom even though his dad is still legally married to his bio mom. The thing is, I just don't LIKE him. I dread being alone with him, I don't miss when he's gone and just really don't enjoy the parenting thing. I try to be positive and leave him notes and cheesy crap, but when he says thank you and gives me a hug I want to run to my room as fast as I can. I've been told I have intimacy problems and blah blah blah and now am starting to wonder when I stop baking the apple pies and get real, will I have made a big mistake by staying in this relationship when I realize I really don't like parenting.
I love my man, but almost feel like I'm living a lie. He knows that me and his son don't "bond" but since his mom is not in the picture at all I feel OBLIGATED to stick around. So on a scale of 1 to 10. . . how awful am I? I'm thinking 9.5. . .
Although the kid does lie and manipulate, I just figure all kids do. Everyone I talk to says I am normal but I feel like a wretched human being.
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ahhhhhh NOT AWFUL AT ALL!
ahhhhhh NOT AWFUL AT ALL! first of all
trust me, i felt like that as well.. and after about 9months i honeslty stopped trying to hard to play the role. It has worked wonders, i am so much more relaxed and my skids actually respond to me in such a more laid back way because i wasnt rushing around trying to be the perfect house wife.
Not everyone wants to be a parent and its hard trying to find out where you fit in the family if you arent that really motherly person.
just be yourself and sit down with your partner and just say hey im not his mum and i didnt sign up to be a mum! find hobbies and things to do to break your time up with the step son and remember you had a life before this kid
You're not a wretched human
You're not a wretched human being. Listen, I'm not fond of my FSK's and I've never even met them face to face, lol. I'm lucky b/c the youngest will be 18 soon. Woo-hoo!
Anyway, you say that you love this man. Maybe you just need more time to adjust to your new position within the household. Obviously if you feel strongly that you can't make this work AND be happy while you're doing it, then you have a huge decision to make. (Before this boy becomes really attached to you.) It sounds like your FSS is craving attention from a mother figure. He may be coming on a bit strong and maybe this is what's making you feel trapped. He isn't your child but, he is a part of the man you love. Only you can decide if they're both worth it. Please don't stay out of obligation. It can't work under those circumstances.
How old is FSS? Have you tried to find some common ground with him? Maybe something that you enjoy and something that you wouldn't mind sharing with him. Sometimes you can find big surprises in the tiniest of places, KWIM?
Welcome and best wishes!
ps... try being his friend first and don't put so much stress in to being his mother.
He is 11. Thanks so much!
He is 11. Thanks so much! When you mentioned that he is coming on too strong with the need for attention and I feel trapped, my mouth dropped because that is EXACTLY how I feel. I don't mind him when he is running in and out of the house, being loud in the basement with his friends but when we are alone and every time I walk into the room he says "hi" even if I left for 2 minutes to get a glass of water. . . I cringe. LOL.
We both like to read, so I'm going to read one of the books he just got done with and see how that goes. Thank you so, so much!!!
You most definitely do not
You most definitely do not sound like a horrible person. It is very very difficult to love, or even care about, a child that is not your own. I have a SD3 and I can't stand her or her mother. It's a constant battle. DH has the guilty daddy syndrome (even though they have joint custody so SD is with us 50% of the time)- he gives her whatever she wants, when she wants it. If she wakes up at 3am screaming for cookies, he gets up and gets her cookies. All she has to do is cry/throw a fit and instead of punishing her for it, DH gives her what she wants. It's ridiculous. I definitely feel your pain!