DH wants more custody of SS9...noooo!
DH has been pushing the issue for a few years now: he wants more custody of SS9. He thinks SS9 is not happy at his mom's and would be better at our house. It's true, SS9 doesn't like his mom so much. But, BM's not abusive or anything, she's just unpleasant.
Anyway, I know what will happen: we'll get more custody which will make DH and SS9 happy, but since DH works long hours, all the extra responsibility will fall on me. DH and I have a 1-year-old and SS is getting on my nerves more than ever. I can't do it! I don't want this!
I've brought it up a few times and DH gets very hurt that I might not, like him, want to act "in the best interests of the child" at all costs. DH says "you're already dealing with one kid full time...and you love SS9...what's the big deal?" I do love SS9, but I don't want to be his primary care giver.
If DH can't understand what it's like to be a step-parent, then how do I even broach this topic?
You need to let him know now
You need to let him know now that you can not be primary care giver to HIS and BM's child. That if SS comes to live with you, it will be DH's deal to raise him.
Speak up and tell him if you
Speak up and tell him if you dont want SS around full time. I didnt, when DH was fighting for full custody, and I'm paying for it now. I helped him win, because it was the right thing to do and because I did not think he would win. Now we have SD full time, and its really hard for me, to put it nicely. I regret not speaking up before
Now we are in counseling and I am disengaging.
I've brought it up a few
I've brought it up a few times and DH gets very hurt that I might not, like him, want to act "in the best interests of the child" at all costs.
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And when he guilts you with this…tell him that the best interest of the child is to be RAISED by both parents. Not BM and SM.
Print out and show him this
Print out and show him this article on disengaging and tell him that is how you intend to treat any increase in his sons presense in the home. In fact I would tell him that's how its going to be from today on regardless of his success.
Don't bring any more children into this mix as your marriage may not survive.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I agree with Willow- once he
I agree with Willow- once he puts the guilt trip on you, tell him what's best for a child is to be raised as amicably as possible by their two biological parents. The Big Deal is that a 9yr old needs attention, has homework, school issues, financial needs, must be fed, must be cleaned up after, must be entertained, can't be left alone so must tag along everywhere you need to go and then looked after when you get there. Those are NOT your responsibilities and it's a big f*cking deal. DH tried to pull that on me one day when I told him I couldn't work and watch SS8 at the same time & now refuse to watch him at all unless it's on MY terms. Just having a kid around is work- period. You have your hands full enough as it is.
Please Please Please don't let this happen. You know you'll end up overwhelmed, stressed out and highly resentful of DH which will then transfer to SS9 and whatever relationship you have with him now will change because suddenly you are forced to care for him FT. That's a whole different ballgame than a visiting period.
Offer to support any effort he makes that doesn't involve you being a FT Mom to two kids. Offer to pay for Parenting classes for BM or activities for SS9 that can get him out of the house with her more often (but not with you). As long as he's not being mistreated, abused, etc there is no reason for him to be removed from his Mother. I could see if something was actually wrong but it's not. DH is very selfish to ask that of you and to dismiss the effort it'll take from you-ridiculous.
Part of DH's dismissiveness
Part of DH's dismissiveness is the arrangement we have as husband and wife: my husband is the big breadwinner, I don't work all that much, and have accepted responsibility for most of the family scheduling, etc. But, when i agreed to this dynamic, i never pictured that I'd one day have to do it for HIS kid, too. Now that SS and I are closer and love each other very much, DH assumes that I will just take him in as an extension of my family responsibilities. NO! I'm ok with the way things are now, thank you very much.
First of all, tell the
First of all, tell the husband that if he wants him full time, he has to step up and be his primary caregiver HIMSELF. That's his responsibility as a father. Second of all, he needs to teach his son to be more independent and do things for himself because BM will not be present if he gets primary custody of him.
That said, if the mother is unpleasant, I can understand why SS doesn't want to live with her. I know what it feels like to get along much better with your father than with your mother. Be sure that you discuss these issues beforehand with your DH, especially when it comes to disciplining his kid and making sure he treats everybody with respect.
However, I disagree with other posters saying that you should stop him from getting full custody if he feels ready for it. Just make it clear that his child is HIS responsibility but I strongly disagree with others saying that it's better for the child to be with BM. That's what the courts think by default but we all know that that's not necessarily true and many kids end up suffering because of this stupid, outdated stereotype that kids are always better-off with the mother. Just, no.
Yeah, SS9 really doesn't
Yeah, SS9 really doesn't relate to his mother at all, so I feel for him. I like your comment about teaching him to be more independent...I can definitely use that with DH. I just don't know how to tell DH that after years of knowing and loving SS9, I still don't want to raise him as my own...
I didn't read all the
I didn't read all the responses-BUT-DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once you get more custody, it NEVER GOES BACK. We had SKIDS living w/us 3-4 days a week because they started going to school near us (had been homeschooled). The reason being because they needed to be in school (their mom was lazy w/homeschooling and they were way behind). Well, it was fine the first year-then she enrolled them in school by her house (different district), now they are here EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I could handle a few days a week after school, but now they are here all day long for 2-3 days every week.
It sucks. DON'T DO IT.