Help! The guilt is overwhelming
Last night I lashed out at SS11 for the first time... he started crying really hard, and now I feel sooooo guilty I can't stand it! He and DH were sitting in the living room having a conversion, and when I came to join in, the eye rolling suddenly began in full force. I was just sick of it! I've been in his life since he was 4, I've made every effort to treat him with kindness and generosity and it just doesn't matter. I said, " ok, so that's the 1 millionth eye roll," and walked out. He came back and said, " that really hurt my feelings when you said that," which was very mature of him to express but frankly pales in comparison to the constant rejection I feel at all times. I apologised, waited a moment, then said, " sometimes I feel like you don't even like me or love me." The tears came. My husband looked at me like I was a monster. I really wish I could take back what I said because I think maybe SS11 really doesn't have the capacity to understand what I meant by that. But the truth remains - I live out each day in constant rejection in my own home! My husband tells me I shouldn't have any expectations of SS11 because he's a kid and its natural to want to push a step parent away. I feel guilty because I think DH is right... but then there the reality of my feelings day- to- day.... So confused!!!
Exactly
Exactly
Kid does something, you
Kid does something, you reprimand, and then you get the old tears plus "you hurt my feeling"...
It's ok for the kid to hurt your feelings but not ok for you to hurt his?? You didn't hurt his feelings, you reprimanded his belligerent behavior. If his feelings got hurt he deserves it because I would have hurt more than his feelings if he eye rolled me.
You had this kid for 7 years and your DH still excuses his behavior?! Still ok to push the SP away?! No its not! Your DH is enabling his disrespectful behavior - it needs to stop. DH needs to stop making excuses for this kid.
Your feelings of guilt is exactly what SS wants. It's to manipulate your behavior so that next time you ignore his eye roll or sass. Why would you allow a kid to treat you this way.
DH and you may do well to get some help with parenting classes because this kid has got DH wrapped around his finger at your expense.
I'm probably giving him too
I'm probably giving him too many excuses but SS11 does try to be good to me sometimes - he writes me Mothers day cards and says nice things about my cooking. I guess I feel guilty because I think maybe he really is doing all he can... But then the eye rolling and constant negativity starts getting to me again...
He's playing the victim to
He's playing the victim to get your DH's sympathy. It's working, and - gosh - even you feel guilty. This kid could win an Oscar some day!
As soon as he said that your comment about his eye-rolling hurt his fee fees, you should have jumped in with "Well, how do you think I might feel when you roll your eyes? That hurts MY feelings because it is a disrespectful gesture, and you know it is a disrespectful gesture. So to avoid this situation in the future, where I call you out on your disrespectful behavior, how about you CHOOSE to NOT roll your eyes? Problem solved, kiddo."
2 distinct issues here - the
2 distinct issues here - the first is your SS. I agree with others that you should NOT feel guilty. But what you *should* do is have a talk with SS, a calm, rational, grown-up talk. Tell him that when he rolls his eyes at you, you feel upset/sad/frustrated - pick your adverb. Tell him that you would like him not to do that anymore. Even if you've had this conversation before, I think having it now after this little event will hit home. And make sure you tell him WHY you don't want him to roll his eyes, how it makes you feel. If he was crying because you said you doubted his love for you, he's empathetic enough to "get it".
Your second (and bigger) problem is your DH. You "shouldn't have any expectations" of SS because you're a smom?!? I hope to hell that means "you can't expect him to love you like a mom" and NOT "you can't expect him to treat you with respect" because those are two TOTALLY different things. While, yes, skid is entitled to feel any way he wants to about you, he is NOT entitled to act however he wants. His feelings are his own - his actions on the other hand, are not. You need to make sure your DH understands and accepts that, or he's going to raise an adult who keeps getting himself fired for rolling his eyes at his boss. I think your DH's lack of "expectations" are the root of the problem, and one he needs to correct NOW.
I cannot for the life of me
I cannot for the life of me figure out what you said that was so wrong or why you would feel guilty.
It is natural to push a step
It is natural to push a step parent away only for kids whose bio parents suck so badly as parents that they tolerate that crappy behavior from their children.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You spoke the truth from your experience to a snarky kid who flips you the eye roll and rejects your caring efforts. Tough shit if he broke down in tears.
Now is the time to close the deal by sitting down together and discussing why you both feel the way you do and reinforce that he is a kid, you are an adult and he has no choice but to treat you with respect which means that there will be zero tolerance for eye rolls or any other snarky kid behavior.
IMHO of course.