Biological Mom intervention

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Hi. As a sort of step father (not married but engaged) Ive been in my step daughters life for over 4 years now and still dont know where I belong. There's rudeness sometimes (shes 7 now so does that come with age and to be expected?), having to remind her stuff all the time about being polite and responsibilities, and the fact that she thinks Im part of the family but dont know how. Her mother says its up to me to build that connection with her and she wont intervene so I asked the S.daughter this morning: you have a uncle, aunt, mother and father so what am I. Her reply was you take care of the family and you are kind so you are like an uncle, I think...I dont know. Fathers day is coming up and that has always been the worst time for me because of everything I do for her and the family and I usually get disappointed of this day and has been the day I reflect.

My question is: should the mother be part of that connection and growth between us or leave it up to us for it to succeed or fail? At this stage, 4 years later, its not getting any better.

Thanks

It really depends on the

It really depends on the situation. Some step kids are loving, open and receptive to their step parent naturally. In this case, it is easier for step parents to foster and nurture a relationship with the step kid without the bio parent having to be totally hands on and involved with it. Some stepkids are not cool. If there is defiance, disrespect or any kind of stand offish behavior from the stepkids, than yes the bio parent should be involved in the equation. The bio parent really needs to set boundaries and expectations with their child as well as encourage their child to be open to a relationship with the step parent.

My husband pretty much left the relationship building to me. His kids were not receptive to me. They had their toxic, jealous, overly dependent mom in their ear, poisoning them with lies and ignorance so they were not willing to open up to me in anyway. Husband refused to acknowledge this. I don't tolerate disrespectful bad a$$ kids and after being rejected by them I shut down and disengaged. Husband did nothing to help the situation because he didn't see that his support was needed on both ends. so here I am 10 yrs later with no relationship with my step kids after I helped raised them and support them for the last decade. I've raised 2 out of the house and have one more to deal with. UGHHHH.

Well, BM thinks that a

Well, BM thinks that a relationship should be built but doesnt know how and doesnt want to interfer as it a relationship between me and her. So the most I do is take care of the entire family as a father would but I guess thats not my role here. So what is the role of a SD?

Hilarious! He is a unicorn!!

And farts rainbow glitter.

And farts rainbow glitter. Where do I get one of these for myself instead of a guy who burps, scratches his balls, is always asking me to spot him some dough b/c of excessive CS, pays about 10% of the bills yet racks up about 80% of the living expenses, has the "freedom" to quit his job anytime without having another lined up due to my income, yet thinks he's doing ME a favour because he knows how to turn a wrench (which he cobs at my house anyway)?

I agree with above, your wife

I agree with above, your wife needs to get on board. You are not your SD's bio dad and you aren't trying to take the place of her dad, but in your house you are the "father figure" and should be respected. You and yuor wife can come up with house rules for the kids to follow together and then go over them with your SD TOGETHER you need to present a united front for any of it to work. Express to your wife that after 4 years this relationship isnt' exactly working and you need support from her to get the relationship with her daughter that you both deserve. If she's only 7 there's still hope. ou can even give her little jobs around the house and a checklist to mark off when they are done. Kids crave rules & structure. It helps them feel safe. You can reward good behavior and jobs done, no reward for nasty attitudes and not finishing chores. it sounds like you really care, good luck!

I don't know, for a 7 year

I don't know, for a 7 year old that was kind of a loaded question. I think you wanted to say that you are like a father to her, but since she ALREADY has one of those, she doesn't know what to say. A nice uncle is pretty good. That mean she likes you and thinks you are nice. The fact that she is a little brat at times is because she is SEVEN not necessarily because she doesn't respect your place in the household.

I think it's a lot to expect of children for them to show their appreciation for everything we do as step parents (or bio parents for that matter). Kids exist in the reality of their lives. They just generally expect that the adults who live with them will feed, clothe and take care of them.

What should realistic expectations be for the girl? She should be respectful of the adults in the household and follow the rules to the best of her ability based on developmentally appropriate capabilities. It seems like she has affection towards you, but since she has a biological father, you can't ever expect her to think of you as her father. Now, if you and her mother get married and you become her actual step father, she may get a little closer to the concept you seem to be looking for, but you will most likely still be "Zander" not Daddy2. As far as a close relationship, that may develop over time and naturally. I don't think it's something that you can force or have specific expectations though.

The person you should be looking to for appreciation is your SO since you are taking care of the household.

If you and the girl get along well enough and she minds for the most part, consider yourself lucky!

Oh, please try to set

Oh, please try to set realistic expectations for father's day. I actually got my first mother's day present from one of them this year! after 14 years of being in their lives. Prior to that, they would usually just send a text.

However, I think a 7 yo isn't going to be going out on their own for father's day stuff and may not realize you expect anything. If you want the girl to acknowledge it, you will have to have BM suggest it to her. the kid is unlikely to do it on her own.

The person you should be

The person you should be looking to for appreciation is your SO since you are taking care of the household.

^^^^ This ^^^^^

I am trailing behind ESMOD everywhere today! lol.

I had to stop expecting skids to notice what I did and once I realized it was SO that should be noticing everything changed for us.

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Biological Mom intervention