BF going to watch sex education video at his daughters school and I wasn't invited......
Forums:
I get used to him 'not thinking' about things - but this I think I should have gone to see with him.... after all she is very, very nosy about what we get up to with the bedroom door shut! I need to know what this girl is being taught at school about sex too....
Sex has no business in
Sex has no business in schools...except in the form of a health class...hmmm...Thankfully, I homeschool.
Don't really know what to
Don't really know what to think about this one. In the grand scheme of things its probably not that important to throw a fuss over....I don't know...
Why do you need to be there?
Why do you need to be there? I am sure your BF can tell you what they talked about afterwards?
I don't think this is your
I don't think this is your place to go....It is for Bio's.....I think you know plenty about the birds and the bees....
Hell, be grateful, he is not including you in this awkward situation....
Bio mum is dead !
Bio mum is dead !
My DD10 just had this at
My DD10 just had this at school in 4th grade. The parents were invited to preview it at night without the kids. Then we had to sign a permission slip saying yes or no to the kid seeing it. Its all about periods, boobies, stuff like that. I didn't go to the preview but DD saw the video at school.
She is a very forward 11 year
She is a very forward 11 year old
Why do you need to be there?
Why do you need to be there? You're not her parent.
Thank goodness schools are doing this. If it were left up to the parents, some kids would be SOL.
Bio mum is dead... I am the
Bio mum is dead... I am the mother figure in her life...
You're not her
You're not her parent.
Chances are she would rather have dad there than you.
Actually she wouldn't. She
Actually she wouldn't. She has already asked me if me and her daddy are having sex - she would never ever in a million years ask her daddy that... or anything else about sex as she gets embarassed asking daddy !
Is he going to watch it WITH
Is he going to watch it WITH her?
No..... its just for the
No..... its just for the parents to view it before the kids do next week.
She's isn't asking that in
She's isn't asking that in the hopes of creating some mother/daughter bond. She's trying to upset and annoy you. If the question was coming from a good place, she would ask her dad as well.
You're trying to be the mom after dating dad for less than a year. At this point she may view you as just dad's girlfriend. In her eyes her grandmothers may be her mother figures.
It's OK for this to be a daddy/daughter thing.
Most of what I recall from my
Most of what I recall from my sex-ed in school was about the changes in our bodies...the hair, periods, how to use tampons, condoms...stuff like that. I don't recall it being so much about actual sex. Of course, that was almost 30 years ago.
Back then, parents didn't go to school to watch movies, but I can understand why they may want to know what their children are being exposed to during the classes.
IMO, the idea is for parents to be aware of the content & determine whether or not they want their child involved. That's up to dad. He's the parent.
If dad is making the effort to be aware, why do you feel like you need to be there? Certainly you're already familiar with sex, STD's, protection, etc. He is capable of deciding whether or not he's okay with exposing his child to what he sees.
I take it no-one who has
I take it no-one who has answered is in my situation then? Or has actually 'seen' the videos that they show kids now.
* Bio mum dead - therefore I am the mother figure in her life
* dad a whimp when it comes to talking about anything with his daughter.
* Daughter already too forward for her age (11)
If dad wants help discussing
If dad wants help discussing sex-ed with his daughter, certainly he can ask for it. You don't have to watch the video to know how to discuss sex or answer questions.
I can see what you are saying
I can see what you are saying here. You feel like as the female mother figure that this is your duty since her mom isn't around. The problem is dad doesn't seem to see it that way. Since he is the bio parent, he trumps you on this. He has made the decision to exclude you.
If this is not what you want, you are going to have to talk to him. I personally feel my SO cannot handle sex talks either and I should be the one to handle them if BM doesn't, BUT the skids aren't mine. I have been disregarded and pushed aside so many times that I have given up. With our own child, SO won't be doing the sex talks, I will.
I'm sorry, but if he doesn't want you involved, then there isn't much you can do except express your concerns and hope he wants to involve you from now on.
I think its weird that he's going. I would have been mortified having a guy there. I'm not sure what they are learning about, but anything with periods or my changing body or sex, I would have just wanted to watch on my own with no parent. After that, my mom would have been my choice. I could never watch anything sexual or suggestive with my dad in the room. Either he or I would get up and leave.
Is there more to this and their relationship? Does he treat her like a mini wife?
The kids aren't watching it
The kids aren't watching it tonight - they are watching it next week.
it's just an evening for the parents to go along to watch it first.
Its just an evening for the
Its just an evening for the parents to go along tonight to watch it before the children do next week.
I see. Well just ask him why
I see. Well just ask him why he didn't invite you.
I understand that the BM is
I understand that the BM is deceased. My sons father is as well. I get that. But, you are not married to the father. I know I will get blasted for this, but this is not your place....The dad is going and that is enough. As for her asking questions about your sex life. That is easy, it is none of her business and you should tell her that politely and move on. That is not a reason to go do this....That is normal curiousity. I think you going if he hasn't asked you is over-stepping....Being indignant about it, serves no purpose. If he wants you there he will ask you. Curiously, does he ask you to do the parent teach conferences? I doubt it. He is her dad and it sounds like he is doing his job and preparing himself for the questions. That is huge for most of the dads on this site. Be grateful that he is handling it.
Blimey I didn't expect to get
Blimey I didn't expect to get slated just because I feel I should be involved....!
No one is trying to make you
No one is trying to make you feel bad. I just think in the grand scheme of being a step-parent, you have to learn how to choose your battles carefully. This isn't something you should get so worked up over. If you like, you can talk to DH about what the video showed, and you can ask SD if she has any additional questions or would like to talk about it.
I don't expect to get
I don't expect to get anything from watching it obviously..... but it would just be nice to know what the schools are teaching and how they are teaching it and how much they are telling kids ....
Our school system offers teh
Our school system offers teh opportunity for a parent to attend-although as far as I know no parents ever attend. My dd10 had one this year-it was more about puberty-not sex. In fact sex was not a topic at all. My 7th graders had to also watch a video in health about STD's.
No I didn't ask him if I
No I didn't ask him if I could go with him.... I was waiting for him to ask me..
OOOOOHHHHH...see,
OOOOOHHHHH...see, yeah...
NEVER assume that a man will KNOW what he is meant to do as far as these things go. People (men & women alike) do things without thinking. You can't get angry at him for not asking...he's not a mind reader. For all you know, he may be expecting YOU to broach the subject.
Just a thought.
If I were you, should SD come
If I were you, should SD come up with any more colorful questions, which I'm sure she will, simply direct her to your SO...he's the one that watched the video so he should be up to date on what her level of understanding should be.
If your SO has an issue with this, let him know that you will be more than happy to answer questions like a parent would when you are included, as a parent (step or otherwise) should be.
I'm guessing that you are pretty involved with the SKids school & that you were aware of the film before BD? If so, did you talk to him about attending? The best way to avoid these kinds of issues or misunderstands is to talk about it with your SO.
I do see where you are coming from...my Skids live with SO & I, they see their BM for 1-2 weeks per year...other than that, it's all SO & I. SO has blatently told me that he will NOT be answering any of SD8's questions about these things...he told me he would prefer that I take care of it (OF COURSE HE WOULD!!). I generally laugh at him but a couple of weeks ago, SD asked me about BRA'S! Damn! LOL
I figured that as long as the kid is comfortable, I am too...but you need to figure this out with your SO. He may have gone to the movie & not even thought about asking you about it...I can see how that would slip his mind.
Good luck!
That's a good idea - just
That's a good idea - just refer her back to her Daddy and let him deal with all the awkward questions! Thanks
x
This isn't about going with
This isn't about going with her BF and her SD--this is a day just for the adults. I think for Michelle, it's more to know that at least her BF will think of involving her in future decisions, an a future which might lead to marriage so this is to gauge whether she would or not, which I believe is a valid point--if he doesn't care about her feelings or her opinions, the relationship will not last, and marriage definitely should not be on the radar then.
That said, if you don't tell him how you feel, he won't understand. Guys are dense like that.
Ask him if he'd like you to go with him, especially since your SD has asked you about sex numerous times. It might be good to speak with the teacher who is showing it to ask what is the proper response for it.
This isn't about the video, it's about solving a lot of problems at once.
You are completely right!
You are completely right! It's about being included in their lives and I think sex education is an important one. Especially as her father won't be able to face all the difficult questions from her....
He won't be able to face her
He won't be able to face her questions??? Maybe that's why he's doing this. What if something happened in your relationship & you weren't there to do it? He NEEDS to take care of this. As a parent it's HIS responsibility. As a girlfriend, it is not yours.
You can still participate in educating his kids, if he chooses to have you be a part of that. You don't have to preview the video to be able to do that.
The extent of the education they get in their home should not be determined by the extent of the education they receive through school. It should be determined by him...their parent.
If your concern is wanting to
If your concern is wanting to know what the video entails, dad can come back with a report. This really isn't something you're entitled to attend.
I think it's fantastic he's taking the initiative to do this. I really feel it's important for parents to be involved in what their kids are learning & to be involved in teaching their children what they need to know. He needs to do this. He needs to be the one leading this for his kids & he needs to get comfortable enough with it to be able to do it without you.
Why on Earth would you
Why on Earth would you go?
You're the girl's dad's girlfriend, and think you should be there to preview the sex ed video?
Hmph. Go figure.
Yes, I do actually. I will be
Yes, I do actually. I will be living with them in a few months and this very forward young lady has no mother figure in her life accept me. Her father will be too much of a whimp to talk to her about sex so I know he will leave it all up to me!
His MIL has been a very
His MIL has been a very active part in their lives. It's likely she's the one they see as a mother-figure.
You do not live there. Do you guess any questions regarding puberty or sex will be put on hold until your weekend visit because he can't handle it?
It really sounds like you're wanting to play mommy, & the fact is you're not. You're dad's current gf.
She has 2 grandmothers. One
She has 2 grandmothers. One who lives close by and is very involved.
You can't force yourself into the mom role. You have not been in their life long enough to do that.
They may never view you as a mom figure. You may always be dad's girlfriend or wife. That is fine.
Maybe dad wants you to just be his SO and let him handle the parenting stuff.
granny (lw's mother) (lives
granny (lw's mother) (lives 10 mins away) is resentful to me at the very least and is in her 70s and sex is very much a taboo subject.
granny (dads mum) (lives nearly an hour away) is a prude to be honest.... she won't talk about it. She cant even talk about periods. I have had to talk to my FSD about it!
You don't even live with him
You don't even live with him and you expect to be included in something so minor? You have a lot of heartache ahead of you, if this gets you this stressed out. Just wait until you move in and then you will not believe the things you will get your feelings hurt over. My life was great until I moved in....
here are some options: be
here are some options:
be honest with BF and say "honey, i would like to go with you to see the video."
call the school and ask to watch the video after school or maybe they will let you take a copy home.
discuss with the child AFTER she has watched the video about what she watched, and answer any questions she may have.
All 3 of these suggestions INVOLVE you like you want to be. Don't sit back and complain that no one is inviting you to be involved. if it is THAT important to you then INVOLVE yourself.
I agree. Expecting BD to ask
I agree. Expecting BD to ask her is unfair...many people wouldn't even think about it.
If OP wants to attend, SHE needs to talk to BD about it & get it sorted out rather than complain about him not asking.
This little girl will only
This little girl will only have me to talk about it with really.....
Of course he is going. Said
Of course he is going. Said he would 'fill me in' on the details later this evening. Why would he lie about going?
So if he'll fill you in on
So if he'll fill you in on the details, what's the problem?
in all actuality of reality,
in all actuality of reality, no you not the only one she has to talk to about this stuff. Yes her bio mom passed on. but she has other "females" in her life to get her questions answered.
From all your responses, i am getting the feeling that you are just more pissed that you were not invited to attend this viewing.
Basically yes, that was what
Basically yes, that was what my post was about. He is a typical bloke and didn't think to ask me if I wanted to go or not..... I would have liked to have gone because I would have felt 'included' in things that's all....
Didn't think I would get slated for that. I was just 'venting' like most people do on here....
You didn't get slated for
You didn't get slated for wanting to feel "included". You kept making excuses like you need to know what's being covered because you're the only one who can answer their questions about sex & that your boyfriend is incapable of handling it. Those things have nothing to do with wanting to feel "included".
Get used to it. If you're going to be with this guy, you need to be able to accept the fact that there are things you won't be included in. This one is very minor.
I agree with the fact that
I agree with the fact that she probably wanted to feel included and worded it wrong, but I do think, since she is the one who keeps getting asked by the child, that going might help her be able to answer some of the questions, and she can even ask the teachers on what to do about the kid asking her.
I apologize storm, but I must respectfully disagree about the getting used to not being included and accepting it. If something makes you feel sad or unhappy, especially being included by a loved one, you have a right to want it to change and to request there to be a change. Then it's the husband or boyfriend's choice. If they don't, then it is up to the person to decide if they want to stay or not. But there is nothing wrong with being upset about not being included.
DH knows that being giving the choice of being included or not is one of the requirements for me to stay, and that I will be upset if he doesn't. It's the same for him when it comes to things regarding my family. So we talk about it. I agree she needs to talk to him about it, but getting used to not being included is getting used to being unhappy, which no one should have to go through. The only fact I am willing to accept is that there will be times that DH will FORGET to include me, but not that I should not be included.
This is all IMHO of course--the dynamics of my family and situation is different from others.
I absolutely agree that if
I absolutely agree that if you are not happy you have a right to request a change. However, I do think that if this is something she's taking so personally there will be a lot to come in the future...especially given that bf seems to very welcoming & close to MIL who doesn't like OP...there will be a lot of situations that will be more hurtful than not being invited to preview a sex-ed video to come.
I think the feedback would've been more along what she was likely hoping for had she presented it as feeling hurt about not being included. I think a lot of the responses she got were harder to take because she was presenting it as a situation where her bf couldn't handle answering questions about sex & puberty & seeming to imply that she is the only one who will be able to talk to his children about this.
I think anyone in a step-situation can sympathize with feeling left out. It seems to come with the title. IMO, she's handling it the wrong way. If her feelings are hurt, it's up to her to speak up instead of assuming that her bf would know she'd have any interest in attending the preview for elementary school sex-ed.
Gotcha. I thought it was
Gotcha. I thought it was weird how she was presenting it but was trying to read between the lines on it. I do think it's going to end up where she gets hurt a lot more often, especially with a BF who doesn't seem to care about changing. I would have left a while ago...
1) yes I am pissed that he
1) yes I am pissed that he FORGOT to include me
2) he CAN'T handle questions from daughter thats why she comes to me
3) he isn't that close to lw's mother - he actually hates her but she is domineering and takes over - this he has already started to address as she now looks after the girls after school at her house instead of his.
4) he has put lw's mother in her place regarding her thoughts/comments about me and she has realised she needs to back off
I agree with this. There is
I agree with this.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be included - especially as the children's mother has passed away.
The reality is that in a few months Michelle WILL be living with this family, she WILL be the other adult in the relationship and has the right to be included in family decisions etc, yes on the surface this *seems* a small issue, but it's the bigger picture isn't it.
My SO and I have been having this exact problem for the last few months (we moved in together in January)
I expect that as the adults in the house WE make decisions and plans together. He is having trouble having to include me - he has been autonomous for so long that he finds it hard having to talk to me BEFORE decisions are made - some are small and petty some are bigger - I could forgive the smaller ones if I was included in the bigger ones.
OP needs to make it clear to her OH from the start what she wants from their partnership, and that, it seems, is to be included in things.
Honey, you need to sit and talk to him about what you both want/need and expect from your relationship. My SO and I finally did this last week - sat and discussed a whole range of things about how and why we behave the way we do in our relationship etc, and worked out what both of our needs are so that we both know what they other expects from us. We are now on the same page and have a greater understanding of what the other feels about things, and to be honest life is SO much better now.
If you want to PM me I have a great book which really made a lot of sense and I can break down a lot of the stuff (SO refused to read the book LOL so I broke it down into what we needed to work through)
My guess, knowing men, is
My guess, knowing men, is that he simply didn't think this through. We're a pretty self centered group you know - us men.
I can't think of one reason you could/should not attend. Its a elementary school video for heavens sake.
Knowledge is power - both for you and the 11yo.
He's just said basically it
He's just said basically it was:
cock gets hard, fanny gets moist,cock goes into fanny, ejaculates and fertilises the egg and makes a baby! It was on about masturbation too! God is that what they are teaching 11 year olds now then!
I think he has his anatomy
I think he has his anatomy messed up... I did not know going into a fanny could make a baby. I always thought fanny was the poop end, not the baby making end.
I guess point proven...?
(I'm joking, but maybe fanny is the term for hooha in other places.)
That was my first thought...
That was my first thought... my "fanny" never does that.
ROFLMFAO!!! I was thrown by
ROFLMFAO!!! I was thrown by the fanny getting moist. I mean, I like sex & all, but my fanny doesn't get moist over it.
LOL!
LOL! :sick:
well i'm sure it would if you
well i'm sure it would if you take exlax chocolate...
Probably only if you poop a
Probably only if you poop a little bit...though I've never known coitus to be the cause of it.
LMFAO!!! I would imagine
LMFAO!!! I would imagine once the fanny gets moist the coitus comes to a screeching halt. I think moist fanny is not good.
sorry, I forgot there are a
sorry, I forgot there are a lot of American's on this site. I said fanny meaning vagina! lol
Oh I don't know, welcome
Oh I don't know, welcome humour in what had become a serious thread.
LMAO - being an ex-pat Brit I knew what she meant and had no issues with it. But did LMAO reading all that...
If this is how you handle not
If this is how you handle not being invited to watch a 6th grade video about sex-ed, then you are not mature enough to discuss sex-ed with an 11 year old.
If you want to be a "mother" then learn to step up and act as one. Tell you ffuture live in BF, that you want to atten these things and I am sure he would not care either way.
Ever think he does not want to SCARE YOU asking you to be to be that involved
Jeeze...
I am probably going to regret
I am probably going to regret this but wow CSA I have read your replies on about the last 6 threads, and it seems like you have just come here today to have a go at anyone who posts anything... What is your problem? If it was just one or two ok, but you are having a nasty go at every person who starts a thread? What's up?
Thank you for supporting me
Thank you for supporting me
Maybe its becasue post after
Maybe its becasue post after post are people whining about hating the step kids, and being digusted by their husbands.
If thats the issue LEAVE, and move on.
LMAO some more...
LMAO some more...
Ohh snaps... I done been
Ohh snaps...
I done been told'ed that I cant typers. what shalls i do..
lol, i love how, the jaded poeple aruend heer, liek to bicth an whine' yet when facid with releity they atatck.
Ok, now spend time fixing that and not your relationships.
I thought you said you don't
I thought you said you don't have a problem? Clearly, you do. You have a problem with US, venting. Well, I say get over it or take a hike. Just sayin'.
I say get over my posts or
I say get over my posts or take a hike.
easy enough.
follow your own advice. you
follow your own advice. you are nobody.
You are not a nice person. I
You are not a nice person. I don't think I like that.
Exactly. And so we come here
Exactly. And so we come here to vent - because it helps to let our frustrations and petty annoyances out somewhere safe.
That is, after all, the purpose of the site.
If you don't like it CSA the answer is pretty simple - stop coming here. If the venting and questions / pleas for help from the people here annoy you so much WHY keep coming back?
And the fact that you have received understanding and a few shoulders to lean on yourself in hard times just makes you attitude even more incomprehensible to me.
The outcome of our telephone
The outcome of our telephone conversation last night is that he DOES want me involved in all aspects of the girls lives and education. He was too 'shy' to ask me to go incase I thought it was 'too much'. He told me all about the video and we have agreed to sit and talk to her about sex once she has seen it. He didn't want me to feel 'forced' into anything and DOES want me to be a real mother figure to his children..... 'worts and all' as they say
So the outcome...I am happy.... for now at least. I know I have a lot to work through with him when I move in soon and we have said we will talk to the girls in the coming months about our new living arrangments etc so that we are all used to the idea before I move in. They are two lovely girls and I know that you all think that I have rosey coloured glasses on at the moment - but I want this to work....
So as i stated above, he
So as i stated above, he could not read your mind and did not want to scare you away.
Amazing what a coversation does...
Just bear in mind these girls
Just bear in mind these girls have a mother-relationship with their grandmother, the mother of their deceased mother. If their mother was sick with cancer or something terminal for a few years, then, given the proximity of the homes, it is likely gmom was doing the lion's share of caretaking of her sick daughter and the young girls.
The gmom has been the rock of their world and you can expect the older girl probably won't be interested in you as a mom-figure at this point. And maybe never.
The younger is a lot younger so she may have no problem with it.
Don't feel that you are supposed to the mom-figure and thus all this stuff is up to you. The girl will be exposed to information at school, and despite whatever the gmom's personal sexual activity might or might not be, gmom might be willing to talk to gdaughter about it.