It's wonderful that your FH gets along great with his X...less problems for everyone. However, there needs to be boundaries. 45 minutes is excessive for a phone call. It shouldn't take that long to discuss their daughter and them reminiscing about the "good old days" is ridiculous. The past is the past and they both need to move on. I don't blame you one bit for having a problem with their relationship. You have to tell you FH how you feel and if he respects your feelings at ALL he will stop this buddy-buddy relationship with her. He has to understand...tell him to put the shoe on the other foot...how would he feel if you were behaving this close with your ex?

I deal with a lot with my FH and I don't think I would have stayed with him (actually I KNOW I would not have stayed with him) if he hadn't been respectful of my feelings as much as he is. If I have a problem with something, if something he does makes me feel bad or uncomfortable, he works to change it. Otherwise, what's the point of being in a relationship if he didn't care enough about my feelings to make me feel loved?

Talk to your FH and hopefully he will care enough to reel it in a little w/ his ex.

I would sit him down and talk to him in a way that is about YOU, not him. Use "I" statements. Like "I am uncomfortable with you going into her house, all the communication," etc. This helps to not lay blame on him, yet get your point across. Considering how ya'll got together, its obviously not out of his character to stray therefore he shouldn't make you feel like its unreasonable for you not to completely trust him. If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. You really need to set boundaries with the ex and if he's not willing to do that, then maybe you are right to walk away.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

and do not live with him. But kind of the same situation. Although his ex lives with her BF. I am also older than him and I feel the same, I am too old to play games...don't want to...don't think I have to. But he is very friendly with his ex. They talk daily, sometimes probably more than once a day. They have daughters STB 15 and 20. He doesn't go over to her house unnanounced, but yes will have to stop by to pick up something for his daughter, etc. I feel they have way too much communication that isn't necessary. His answer is 'I'm doing this for my daughter'. It is the only way I will know what is going on. His ex does tell him everything that is going on with the girls. I know they've have gone to the 'old days' and 'what if', before, and I told him how inappropriate it was. So I don't know if they ever do it anymore or not or if he just isn't telling me. We all get along, the 4 of us and we do things together like BD's for the girls, etc. She has always been very nice to me and I like her BF, but don't trust her beyond my little finger because of things he has told me. It bothers me, yes! My counselor calls it 'enmeshment'. He has even admitted that once their daughters are grown, they will still probably talk. I have a 29 year old daughter, several steps sons and step grandkkids, and I talk to my ex maybe about twice a year. And this is another reason why I don't live with him and am not married to him! The whole friendly with the ex use to really make me jealous, but it doesn't make me jealous any more, because I do believe him when he says he would rather be dead than back with her and I believe him. But I still it is disresptful of her BF and me. Now I kid him about it, joke with him about how she still controls him...and how he takes her phone calls..he has gotten better.

I think you need to talk to your DH and tell him how you feel, there is no need to live feeling this way. If the timing isn't right and you need more time to make your plans to move your business back 'home'..then make your plans just in case he refuses to see things your way. I always try to rationalize with people..like put the shoe on the other foot...if I were doing this how would you feel?

Good Luck

First, that temper is verbal abuse. Yeah, everyone gets mad and says things they don't mean once in a while. But on a regular basis, to control, that is abusive. Also the feeling that you have he will lay the situation back on you--that is part of that, and so are his "persuasive" talking skills. Words used like a dog herding sheep.

At first I thought wow he is really generous to "give" her a house and car. But the long talks and visits do raise a red flag, as does her "joyous" attitude. Ick.
Yeah, they've been away from each other and forgot how bad it was.

Ask yourself, what do you want? What kind of relationship are you looking for? Is this it?
And hey, if you leave him, he can give you the building. He likes to give EXs things...

Let's see, if you are to be his wife, do not, I mean DO NOT keep yourself away from activities because the ex-wife is there. If you are to be his wife, she needs to get used to the idea that you are going to be around and you aren't going anywhere. If it's him that demands that you stay home, then run, run, run!!!!

I know this isn't something you want to hear, but I'm thinking they still have feelings for each other. They aren't married anymore and don't have to live together anymore, so the moods and anger don't have to be dealt with on a daily basis anymore. So, perhaps the ex-wife is falling for him again, and if you're in the picture, she can't have her little fantasies, you know what I mean?

And he made you quit your job so you could watch his child. What the hell????!!!!! No way!!! This is his child!! Either he watches her or her BM watches her - not you. Hon, I feel that you are being used. Quit your job, watch the kid, but don't show yourself. That is no kind of a relationship. Once you are married it him, it will only get worse - right now, you have an out.

It doesn't sound worth it to me. Not one bit!
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

In the beginning of my relationship with DH it was just like that. He would go pick the kids up and park the car around corner so she wouldn't see me. He wouldn't answer her calls if I was around and wouldn't answer my calls if she was. It was as if we were having an affair, long after they were no longer together.
I knew it felt wrong. Something was just not right. She'd call in the middle of the night begging him to go over, he'd drive her to go grocery shopping because it was too cold for SD to be outside. She refused to accept that we were a couple.

Eventually, I found out that DH (who at the time was just my BF) was still having sexual relations with her. It was the only way she would let him see the kids. I left him and went on my merry way. After much begging, apologies and ways of trying to make up for what he had done, I gave him another chance. We've been together ever since.

If you feel it in the pit of your stomach that something is wrong, than chances are something is wrong.
Best of luck my darling.

NotsoHappyNewlyWed

The things you are saying are really making me think.... I'm on the opposite side of things.... I get along EXTREMEMLY well with my ex-dh (my daughter's dad). We talk on the phone quite a bit, when our daughter has a birthday party or other function we come togther and throw joint parties etc. I know this all bothers bf and all I can say is that it is so not what it looks like. I have a lot of love and respect for my daughter's dad but not 'that' kind of love.... almost like a cousin or brother.... I know how it must look and I have to say that if the shoe were on the other foot I would wonder and hate it.... but its just not like that....

But then.... we really aren't a "normal" situation.... I adore bd's stepmom.... she is a God-send and I couldn't have hand-picked a better choice myself. I truly don't understand the bm's that don't cherish the sm's that are good to the kids, treat them with respect, and love them as their own.... honestly.... what more could you ask for?

I'm the one that gets along really well with my ex.... But we don't wish each other a happy birthday... I don't even remember exactly when his birthday is & I'm sure that's the case with him too... I can see saying happy birthday if it's an exchange day or something and during the exchange the topic is brought up by the kid.... But going out of your way to call an ex on their birthday?? That's weird in my book...