Am I being selfish for feeling this way?
I'm currently pregnant (11 weeks) with my first baby. DH and I tried for this baby, so obviously when we found out I was pregnant, we were thrilled. However, I can't stop myself from feeling jealous that this isn't his first baby. I wish it was. He's already gone through all of this with someone else, so none of it is new and exciting for him. Just knowing he was in a labor and delivery room with someone else, holding her hand, coaching her on, and watching his child being born hurts me...I want to be his first.
I told him how I feel, and he tells me that it is new and exciting for him and that it's completely different because he actually wants this baby. When he was with BM (never married to her, btw), she was supposedly on birth control (she calls SD her "miracle baby"). She got pregnant, he didn't want the baby but she did, so he tried to "do the right thing" and stay with her and attempt "being a family". Clearly, this did not work out. He didn't want to be a father at the time and has told me it took him some time to love SD but he still doesn't feel connected to her like a father should. He thinks it makes me feel better by telling me it is a new experience for him since he's having a baby with someone he loves/a baby he wants/and a baby he already loves, but it doesn't (I also feel sad for SD because of how he feels towards her). When it comes down to it, he's been through all of this before; he already knows what's coming and what's going to happen.
Do I seem selfish about feeling this way? I didn't anticipate these feelings before I got pregnant...
I think these are normal
I think these are normal feelings--these were my feeling before we even got engaged. It's strange to say but as time went on, and I created more and more memories with him, ones that BM would never be privy to, I felt like I had more and more of him than she ever had or would.
Our DH's are about the same, and mine told me the same thing: for him, this IS new. Mine didn't want a child with her either (a two month booty call gone crazy) and he went through some of the motions, like going to one sonogram, and going out there for the birth (which after three days in the delivery room she still couldn't push it out and his airplane was scheduled so he missed the birth).
But he didn't rub her belly the way he does mine, didn't kiss it every morning and every night, his face never lit up the way it does for ours when people congratulated him about being a father, he didn't wake up in the middle of the night to get her the foods she was craving, he never actively scheduled his life around each and every doctor's visit, he never found joy in picking out names, and he never teared up for her like he did at our most recent sonogram when it confirmed the baby was healthy and still kickin' (I've only gained two pounds and I'm halfway through--and I'm currently 114lbs so there was some concern about development). He only felt hatred for her, panic, and a sense of moral obligation that he really didn't want. They only emailed during her pregnancy, and he never asked about how she was feeling, only hashed out the legal stuff.
So essentially for them, it is a completely new experience. Having a child with someone you love and someone you don't are at the very core, two completely different animals. The actions and procedures might be the same, but the approaches are vastly and inherently different.
Anyway hormones can wreak havoc on your emotions--sometimes I panic, and sometimes I'm just purely apathetic towards DH, then sometimes I'm super clingy. In a matter of hours the future can go from looking ponies and rainbows to the deepest pits of hell, so go easy. Congratulations and good luck!
It's natural to have this
It's natural to have this type of feelings. It's how you act on them that matters.
You can't fault someone for having a life before you and you shouldn't dwell on it. His path led him to you and without his past, he wouldn't be who he is today - your DH and Soon to Be - Little One's Daddy.
I can relate to how you're
I can relate to how you're feeling cause those are some of my worries too. DH and I are TTC and I'm so looking forward to everything but then when I remember that he went through pregnancy twice already with BM, it breaks my heart. I feel jealous and hurt that even though this would be my first child, for him it's baby#3. I hate that fact. BUT when I told DH how I feel, he reassured me that although he went through 2 pregnancies, this would be the first where 1. He's happy with the mother of the child and 2. He knows over 100% that it's his baby and 3. That the baby will have a sane mother and will be raised by both parents under one roof.
BM got pregnant only a couple of months after her and DH "dated", during her pregnancy, she got back together with her ex, DH didn't know if it was his baby until a DNA test was done, he tried to "do the right thing", let her move in with him, etc.. and then they had sex one time and boom she got pregnant again! Dam him for not using protection! lol.
Every step-mom I have talked
Every step-mom I have talked to (including myself) has shared these feelings in early pregnancy. I also felt I shared nothing "special" with him because he already had shared all of his "firsts" with someone else. He would even occasionally accidentally talk about his baby experience and it would upset me (although I helped raise two much younger siblings so I had experience, too). I also became resentful of my SD whom I was raising...although I realized the feelings had nothing to do with her...she just tainted the "perfect family" I had imagined I would have had.
These feelings are very normal and they will straighten themselves out. Just try not to dwell on them too much. I actually felt much better after my first was born (and this will sound extremely selfish) because then it was more like "us" and "her" (SD) instead of "them" and "me". I was no longer the "outsider", SD was. So also be conscious of how your step-child may be feeling.
Sorry to hog the thread, but
Sorry to hog the thread, but my new posts aren't posting...someone able to help me with that?