This stepmom feels used . .
I don't know how other stepmoms feel, but I've been searching for support groups locally and online and just googled stepparent blog and found this website. This seems to be the site I may need to be in.
I am stepmom to my husband's daughter. She is 13. We have full custody of her and she sees her bio mom on the weekends. I have been stepmom to SD since she was 5 years old. Her mother is bipolar and an alcoholic. She also has two other children from two other men. She lost both of them due to giving up one to runaway from life and lost the rights to the other one due to a DUI charge with property damage. Since we have full custody of SD, I guess she can feel she can keep on doing what she wants with no consequences and still be able to see SD.
Lately, SD feels that biomom is the fun mom, her best friend, can tell secrets to. I am just no fun. SD only talks to me and is nice to me when she's on the outs with her mom.
Biomom is full of manipulation, probably partial to her bipolar which she does not medicate for. She also cuts and tries to kill herself almost every couple of days. She's very unstable. From this kind of behavior, we have tried to go to my husband's lawyer to keep SD from biomom, but for some reason, the lawyer says the state code says that "a bad mom is better than no mom"....boy I wish I could do something about that statement. That bad mom is a bad influence on her child. The other scary thing is SD turns 14 in November and our state law says she can say who she wants to live with - and depending on what kind of mood SD is in, she'll pick her mom - no matter if she has no home or money, she just wants to have fun with her mom no matter what.
One thing happened this past Saturday night that puts us in a critical situation. SDs dad wanted to call the police right away, but then SD would threaten to leave. Should we have just went and done it anyway no matter what? I would have in a heart beat, but as a stepmom I have no rights. If I did, a lot would have taken place a long time before this crap.
Every 2-3 weeks, biomom takes SD out on Saturday nights to an all night skating rink. This past Saturday evening it was found out that her mother was drinking pints of Captain Morgan and hiding them under the car seat. She was drunk when they got to the rink. Because SD wanted to continue to have fun at the rink, she did not call me or her father to come get her. During the night, biomom got in a fight and got kicked out. On the way home, she continued to drink and drive eratically. She threatened SD not to call her father or she'd threatened to throw her out of the car. So, when she told us this yesterday, she said she was afraid to tell us because we'd take her from her mom.
What's it going to take? For this woman to kill someone before the state feels that she shouldn't have any visitation to her child??
I feel very helpless in this situation. I love SD as my own child, as I can have none of my own and she knows this, but this horrible bond with her destructive mother just blows me away.
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used yes
that is how a majority of us feel ...used, the maid, the cabbie, the cook, the nurse and what do we get for it...squat.
I think it is a little too late to call the cops now but I think that some sort of action should be taken, your SD could have been killed!
SD doesnt run the show, she is already being deceitful- what happens if SD decides to start drinking too??
Some line has to be drawn.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
action
Hi there,
I'm planning on calling the DHHR at 2pm when I talk to a human voice. Someone at my employment told me that I could make an anonymous call against her mom. This would be the first step for them to take action and have it on the books, so to speak. It's how she lost custody of her other two kids.
good idea
how is your DH with this??
will he support you or does he think his BD walks on water??
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Not true what your lawyer said...
"She also cuts and tries to kill herself almost every couple of days. She's very unstable. From this kind of behavior, we have tried to go to my husband's lawyer to keep SD from biomom, but for some reason, the lawyer says the state code says that "a bad mom is better than no mom" "
I disagree with a vengeance.
Suicide attempts, public brawls and drunk driving are huge red flags that go beyond being bipolar.
Get a new lawyer is my advice.
Department of Human Services is a good place to start as well, especially since there are signs of abuse and neglect being that stepdaughter witnessed and was threatened with violence.
I volunteer for a program that deals with these kind of issues, and all that you have stated would cause a judge to at least review the situation and possibly order supervised visitation.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
scared to change lawyers
this lawyer is DHs personal lawyer. She's so nice that she usually doesn't charge him much when he goes in to talk to her. She tells him that she knows that I'm in a tough situation as a stepmom and commends me. They are also friends, as well as DH and her husband who passed recently. I know this is quite stupid, but I think it's a money issue. He's a tightwad and doesn't want to spend the money finding another lawyer. A few years back when SD caused problems between DH and I, I did find another lawyer and consulted with his twice for free; I'm sure if I retained him for this fight, he'd want money up front and then all heck would break loose because DH would think that I'm betraying him and his lawyer friend. I dunno...I wonder sometimes is it worth it to just wait til she turns 14, or wait until bm kills her first or worry about DH getting mad...this just bites...
DH has always been a peacemaker type of person. He tries to make everyone happy and doesn't want to make anyone mad. A few months ago, I threatened to get a restraining order against BM from coming to our house and it's not until I start to make waves, that he takes action to stop me to keep the peace. Why does he do that?
cops
Take a good smell of that breath the next time she picks up the kd and if you smell alcohol call the cops and have her picked up after she leaves the driveway. It may save the life of your SD and it will be a good lesson for not to drink and drive. They wont know who did it and she will be spending less time with the kd if she loses her DL.
well, I did it. I called our
well, I did it. I called our state's DHHR. It took a lot of convincing to do it, but I did. Now, I hope it won't ruin my marriage when I tell DH that I did this. They said it may take a day or a week or whenever for a social worker to look at it and even deem it an issue. What flipped me out was that they said the social worker could visit the kid at school without our permission and if that happens SD would come home very mad at me and try to run away and all that...why must I be the one that has to make things happen in this family??? Plus, she'll probably lie to the social worker making her mom look like she'd never made a mistake in her life.
if
your DH knows you did it for the best interst of his daughter how can that be a bad thing?
SD will just have to get over it, she does not run things she is NOT an adult.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."