And thanks KK, for letting them know I hadn't "gone off the deep end" or anything like that!
No, I had to take a little bit of a break from ST. It was all just becoming a little too much for me- the endless stories of horrible exes, the ungrateful teen/adult SKids, and the men in our lives who can't seem to take their heads out of their butts to help fix the situation...
There's a term for it. It's called co-rumination. It's actually reserved for teenage girls, where they endlessly discuss their problems over and over and over again with their peers and end up feeling more depressed than helped in the end. And I think that was happening to me here. I kept thinking to myself, "This is NEVER GOING TO END?"
And then I got more depressed.
Plus, this crappy winter weather didn't help.
So I stepped away for a while and tried to see if that would help put things in a different perspective.
It didn't. The same crap kept happening. SD16 continued her nonsense, which EXPLODED into last night, with her once again threatening to leave again to BM. I, once again, am to blame for all her problems. She has done nothing wrong. I have changed her father and turned him against her.
I apparently hate her (I told her many times that I do not, I in fact care about her very much and am concerned about her behavior and the path she is taking). She told me that was crap.
I told her that I did indeed disengage from her and the reasons why I chose to do it. She rolled her eyes. She took no ownership in any of it. I apologized for the mistakes I had made, as did her father. We admitted that we were not perfect, but we at least tried and admitted to our mistakes. She refused to admit that she made any. We apparently we the only ones at fault.
I told her that I would be ready to begin a relationship with her, but ONLY if she were ready to meet me half way. Relationships, after all, take work, and I would not do it all. She disagreed and did not think that she had to do ANY WORK "because in a family it should just all happen".
(very immature, I know).
I tried to tell her that her dad and I work on our marriage every day. We read books, we talk about our relationship. ALL realtionships are WORK- they "just don't happen".
She rolled her eyes again- clearly, this was not going well.
At the end of the conversation, when she had effectively shut down emotionally and rolled herself into a ball on the floor physcially, I left the room. DH stayed a few minutes longer. She said she would "think about whether or not she wanted to stay".
My guess- she'll wait a week or two like last time. Something will set her off and then she'll run to her BMs. I told DH that this time if she goes, it is for good. No back after 3 dayslike last time. He agreed. And that means FOR GOOD. No cell phone. No car. No laptop. No phone calls at 10 o'clock so daddy can help her with her homework. Nothing. She wants to live with BM. Go with God in EVERY sense of the word.
DH is remarkably calm. I'm the one who's a wreck- I have pain in my chest from anxiety and I know a migraine is on it's way. I said to DH, the thing that SD16 doesn't get is that if I really hated her, you would think I'd be jumping for joy right now at her impending departure...
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
its so like us women to take the brunt of things like this on ourselves. but u and DH know its not ur fault. so let it be. if she wants to leave, let her go. but if she stays, she needs to be accountable for her actions. maybe y'all need a family meeting? reiterate that u love her and want her to stay, but that things cannot continue like this. and if she leaves, thats permanent. shes old enough to be responsible for herself.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
and DH told her flat out one-on-one that if she leaves again, she better not leave in anger AND carefully consider ALL the consequences of her actions. Then he laid those out for her.
The one thing DH didn't point out to SD16 is that BMs house is up for sale (has been since Oct). And when it sells, it looks like BM & her "Mr. Wonderful" are divorcing, which means BM is moving into a very small condo- something SD is NOT going to be happy with, and something I dont think she even considered in her immature brain.
Plus, when it happens, BM will go royally off the deep-end, taking SD13 and SD16 with her. And when it happens, she's still SOL.
But of course, THAT will be MY FAULT, TOO.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
I just read your "Green trash bag" Post but I didn't want to chime in late.
But GOOD FOR YOU, GIRL!
Enough is enough. What a friggin' slob. This behvior is the exact thing that triggered our explosion over here. The laziness and complete sloppiness. I actually told DH on Friday that if the basement was not in order by Tuesday (when SD16 left to go back to BMs) I would "take care" of things MY WAY. And I was thinking of employing a similar trash-bag method. (But we never made it that far before the explosion took place).
However- Great minds think alike.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Comments
i was wondering the same thing sarahb
so i pm'd her yesterday and havent heard...i hope everything is okay...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
i pm'd her too
I have her cell number if we dont hear from her I will give her a ring.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I was getting ready to post the same
thing!
Five is Fine
She'll be back; I think she needs some "Five Teens" time and she deserves it. SHE IS FINE!!! I PROMISE!! Her son is fine, too!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
thanks for the update KK
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Hey Guys- I'm fine- kinda
And thanks KK, for letting them know I hadn't "gone off the deep end" or anything like that!
No, I had to take a little bit of a break from ST. It was all just becoming a little too much for me- the endless stories of horrible exes, the ungrateful teen/adult SKids, and the men in our lives who can't seem to take their heads out of their butts to help fix the situation...
There's a term for it. It's called co-rumination. It's actually reserved for teenage girls, where they endlessly discuss their problems over and over and over again with their peers and end up feeling more depressed than helped in the end. And I think that was happening to me here. I kept thinking to myself, "This is NEVER GOING TO END?"
And then I got more depressed.
Plus, this crappy winter weather didn't help.
So I stepped away for a while and tried to see if that would help put things in a different perspective.
It didn't. The same crap kept happening. SD16 continued her nonsense, which EXPLODED into last night, with her once again threatening to leave again to BM. I, once again, am to blame for all her problems. She has done nothing wrong. I have changed her father and turned him against her.
I apparently hate her (I told her many times that I do not, I in fact care about her very much and am concerned about her behavior and the path she is taking). She told me that was crap.
I told her that I did indeed disengage from her and the reasons why I chose to do it. She rolled her eyes. She took no ownership in any of it. I apologized for the mistakes I had made, as did her father. We admitted that we were not perfect, but we at least tried and admitted to our mistakes. She refused to admit that she made any. We apparently we the only ones at fault.
I told her that I would be ready to begin a relationship with her, but ONLY if she were ready to meet me half way. Relationships, after all, take work, and I would not do it all. She disagreed and did not think that she had to do ANY WORK "because in a family it should just all happen".
(very immature, I know).
I tried to tell her that her dad and I work on our marriage every day. We read books, we talk about our relationship. ALL realtionships are WORK- they "just don't happen".
She rolled her eyes again- clearly, this was not going well.
At the end of the conversation, when she had effectively shut down emotionally and rolled herself into a ball on the floor physcially, I left the room. DH stayed a few minutes longer. She said she would "think about whether or not she wanted to stay".
My guess- she'll wait a week or two like last time. Something will set her off and then she'll run to her BMs. I told DH that this time if she goes, it is for good. No back after 3 dayslike last time. He agreed. And that means FOR GOOD. No cell phone. No car. No laptop. No phone calls at 10 o'clock so daddy can help her with her homework. Nothing. She wants to live with BM. Go with God in EVERY sense of the word.
DH is remarkably calm. I'm the one who's a wreck- I have pain in my chest from anxiety and I know a migraine is on it's way. I said to DH, the thing that SD16 doesn't get is that if I really hated her, you would think I'd be jumping for joy right now at her impending departure...
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
let her go
its so like us women to take the brunt of things like this on ourselves. but u and DH know its not ur fault. so let it be. if she wants to leave, let her go. but if she stays, she needs to be accountable for her actions. maybe y'all need a family meeting? reiterate that u love her and want her to stay, but that things cannot continue like this. and if she leaves, thats permanent. shes old enough to be responsible for herself.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
We did a "3-way" family meeting so far
and DH told her flat out one-on-one that if she leaves again, she better not leave in anger AND carefully consider ALL the consequences of her actions. Then he laid those out for her.
The one thing DH didn't point out to SD16 is that BMs house is up for sale (has been since Oct). And when it sells, it looks like BM & her "Mr. Wonderful" are divorcing, which means BM is moving into a very small condo- something SD is NOT going to be happy with, and something I dont think she even considered in her immature brain.
Plus, when it happens, BM will go royally off the deep-end, taking SD13 and SD16 with her. And when it happens, she's still SOL.
But of course, THAT will be MY FAULT, TOO.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Glad you are back!
Drama teens are so draining....
Hope you do something nice for yourself today!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Thanks Endora
I just read your "Green trash bag" Post but I didn't want to chime in late.
But GOOD FOR YOU, GIRL!
Enough is enough. What a friggin' slob. This behvior is the exact thing that triggered our explosion over here. The laziness and complete sloppiness. I actually told DH on Friday that if the basement was not in order by Tuesday (when SD16 left to go back to BMs) I would "take care" of things MY WAY. And I was thinking of employing a similar trash-bag method. (But we never made it that far before the explosion took place).
However- Great minds think alike.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"