I have had enough of FSS muching- long
Ok FH moved into my home this June, his 18 BS lived with him. well when they moved in with me FSS for the most part did not. at the time he had a girlfriend and spent much of his time at her house and would come by occasionally to shower or do laundry, and it was fine cuz he did dishes and helped around the house.
when he broke up with her he stayed with his mom for a bit then kinda moved in with some friends. (not sure his living status anywhere) we would see him maybe once every other week or so.
However he is coming over more frequently bringing friends and watching TV all night long, if not tv then computer.
well yesterday was the last straw. I come home from work - I noticed that the washing machine is going and since I know I am the only one that does laundry I figured it must be FSS ( i refuse to do his laundry) yup it was him and he was sitting happy and sassy with three huge sandwiches watching tv and jumping up and down to go play on the computer. so i go to the kitchen and see that ALL the bread is gone ...Now I am short funds this week and was planning on eating sandwiches all week to avoid spending money on fast food. so when FH calls to say he is on his way home I tell him we are out of bread and he is like HOW?? well BS is here with his friends. oh...so guess what FH does not stop to get bread, so I ask what I am to do for lunch duh..no response. so I go to work this morning and guess who is sound asleep on the couch with the TV on?? yup FSS lazy ass FSS talk about being fed up! Now I enjoy the FSS NOT being around and let sleeping dogs lie and I did put up with his muching in order to keep him OUT of the house but I am done. so I emailed FH told him that enough is enough I work way too hard and so does he to let FSS eat and sleep and enjoy our luxuries FREE OF CHARGE- I told him that he needs to take FSS key away from him and if FSS wants to come over to do laundry or eat or whatever then he will have to call and he will need to work for it - barter system.
am I wrong? I know FH feels guilty cuz Ex kicked son out at 12 --but good gawd the boy is 18 dropped out of school ONLY will work at our house to earn money to buy smokes, cuz he cant keep a job, comes and goes may or may not return phone calls..and I am pretty sure he is now smoking pot. but how is he allowed to come over and "live" without any responsibility?
any suggestions?? thanks for reading and thanks for you support!
Sbh
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Being as he's 18...he needs
Being as he's 18...he needs to figure out what he's going to do with his life. Either finish high school & get a job while he's doing that or get a full time job. I understand if your FH wants to allow him to live with you guys, as I know at 18 I was not ready & stable to move out by myself, but he needs to be doing SOMETHING. He needs to either go to school & get a part time job or get a full time job. He should clean up after himself & pay for all his own extras, at least. And your FH should've stopped to get you more bread!! I would also make it a rule that he cannot eat the last of anything without checking first. I have that rule in my house, even for my husband! I hate when I'm planning on using something for dinner & someone goes & eats the rest of it. DRIVES ME INSANE!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
exactly
FSS keeps telling his dad I am looking here for a job or there but when pressed we find out AFTER he plays with his band he will go around and look but if he doesnt put in applications??
he just hangs out..
and you know i get tired of coming home and finding him just there with his friends ...I dont trust them very much and since he doesnt technically live there I dont think he should have free run of the house or the food or anything.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
My own son
Sarah, I actually went thru this with MY OWN
son...long story short, he decided to quit college
in his senior year three years ago (seems like yes-
terday) and thought he was just going to hang out
at our house (mine and H's). I have to give H
credit, he was VERY patient at the beginning, but
my son really started to take advantage.
It caused so many arguments between H and me, but,
ultimately, I told my son (then 21!), either you
get a JOB and make a plan for GETTING YOUR OWN
PLACE, or you need to move out. He has been living
with my (enabling!!) mother ever since and does not
talk to me any more.
IN TME, I know he will THANK ME (and H) for having
the BALLS to tell him he cannot MOOCH off us anymore.
No job/no stay with us. Period.
Sarah, we're not teaching them ANYTHING if they have
no responsibility. At 18, he IS AN ADULT, and unless
he is paying rent and doing his fair share, maybe you
and SO need to make an "exit plan" to get him on his
own two feet. He may "hate you" now, but in TME,
he WILL thank you for it!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
mooching
I knew I was spelling it wrong..thanks KK
I agree with you whole heartly - I gave my son the same speech..
My BS now has a job pays me rent helps around the house- he is not perfect but he certainly is not MOOCHING..
why can not FH see this??
is he hoping that BS will straighten up? he hoped BS would finish school he hoped BS would quit smoking he hoped that BS would not put all his hope into a band (they suck to btw).. I dont understand how much hope is left? when does reality take over??
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
That "fine line"
Is he still a child? Or is he really an adult?
As far as I was concerned, SB, as long as my "child"
were in COLLEGE, he was MY RESPONSIBILITY (he had
little relationship with his dad, by choice). When
he decided to QUIT, he decided to join the "ranks" of the rest of the working world.
In addition, I teach high school and have for several
decades (oooh, I wanna retire :)!) and I have seen
the same scenario...some kids go off to college, while some hang out (or think they're gonna hang out and play Rock Star, or whatever. Many parents just
wring their hands...my God, LAST YEAR, he/she was in
HIGH SCHOOL....are they ready to be on their OWN yet?"
If, at 18, he has the "commitment" to a band, especially if they suck, he can commit to a job as
well. Since he is not "technically' living with you
(my son liked to do that, too, "bounce around" to
avoid any responsibility), maybe start SMALL...
you use up the bread, you replace it or pay for it.
My whole family is on the "outs" because of my son.
He is now 24, he has "taken over" my parents' house (BRAT!!), and my mother refuses to do anything about it. Again, he is an ADULT, so I can't "punish him",
but I suggested to my mother, let's sit down and
set up a plan to get him OUT of your house and on
his own. She'd rather "enable" him, so of course,
now I'm the "bad guy"...for NOW. NO "kids", regardless of their age, want to steamroll anyone.
THEY WANT AND NEED BOUNDARIES!!!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Mustang- TOO FUNNY!
You made me spit out my Diet Coke!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
why
am I the only one sees that it is an issue? (at home)
why do I have to point it out to FH?
IF he was going to school making an effort to contribute then I certainly would not have a problem.
My 19 y/o was on the outs cuz he quit school and wasnt spending a lot of time looking for a job, but I had enough and told him either get a job or go back to school or pay rent otherwise OUT.
he has a job and pays me rent..
WHY IS HIS SON not held to the same just cuz he JUMPS around from home to home???
I am extremely leary of his friends too, Mustang1 - his friends are not the most HONEST folks..
so FRUSTRATING!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
i think you are right
I think he might feel if he makes BS accountable then BS will stop coming around AT ALL> good for me bad for FH.
but you know I took that chance with my son...
how is it so different?
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
It's a chance he HAS to take
If he ever wants the boy to grow up. I remember when I pressed my parents boundaries at that age and became truly independent as a result. Every kid has got to go through that.
i dont think he will
I think he kinda likes that his son will depend on him forever..
I on the other hand will NOT..
I remember one time he told me he did not care how old BS was if FH had to drive him around to get him to find a job then he would do it.
wtf??
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
ENABLER!!
Your FH is enabling him. THAT IS AN issue in
itself, and I'm going thru it with my OWN family
"enabling" my 24 year old son.
How do we get stuck with these "guys"? Do they have
abandonment issues or WHAT? They want to keep their
kids dependent on them for life.
I don't care WHO IT is, SB, if they're sucking up
your food, etc., they should replace it. No
exceptions.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
looking for love in all the wrong places
I think he honestly believes he is showing his son some kind of love trying to replace the love he didnt get from his mom?
enabling oh yes KK oh yes.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Charge him rent
I know he doesn't have a job, but work his a$$ off around the house until he finds one. Yard work, painting, you know there's got to be a million things to do that you and FH are too busy to do because you have to go to WORK! Treat him like slave labor - give him the speech my parents used again and again that I hated as a teen "As long as you're under my roof . . ." I appreciate that now, gave me a damn good work ethic and greater respect for them. You shouldn't wash a dish or clean an ANYTHING for any day that boy spends there. And as far as his friends go, just tell him flat out "NO!" They are not welcome here. Get a place of your own if you'd like to entertain.
You kind of have a leg up in that this is your place. Tell FH it's time for some tough love. A few weeks of slave driving him properly and Taco Bell might start to look like a good idea.
totally
I do not have a problem with him being there and working off his keep if he doesnt have a job.
but he is not doing any of those things. so why do I have to point it out to FH???
I mean really?
i just want to shake him sometimes and say WAKE UP!!
aaaaaawwwww!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
you know what will happen
10 to 1 FH will NOT respond to my email, he will then in turn have some medicore conversation with FSS WITHOUT telling me anything, so when I blow up ( I am relatively calm at this point but getting warmer) he can so well I did talk to him and he said bla blah blah..
and then NOTHING will have changed and if it does it will only temporary.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Hmm . . .
maybe go on strike - from grocery shopping mainly. Get down to just the basics - beans and rice, rice and beans. You'll suffer too, but it might make hanging out at your house less appealing. Do you have a fridge at work for sandwich stuff?
yes I do
but that so sucks ya know, it is MY HOUSE...
your suggestion makes sense but now my BS has to suffer b/c FH cant take a stand with his own son..
maybe I should put both of them in my refrigerator at work..
LOL
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
This may sound crazy but
This may sound crazy but there are refrigerator locks at most hardware stores. They 're to keep toddlers from getting trapped in refrigerators. I have one for when my grandkids visit. They're simple to use, look into getting one and you keep the key. }:)
HA
and I will only let them out to pee
LOL
I am evil
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
OMG get this
FH sent me an email saying sorry about having no lunch, he ordered food for me to be delivered here at work, which is very nice but A. he has NOT addressed the issue and B. has still ignored my email about discussing the issue.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Well now you know
he knows it's a problem. Obviously, he feels bad about it. That was pretty sweet of him. Give him the day to think on it and ask him what he's come up with this evening. You think on it too, so this evening you can give him ideas on working toward the goal of SS moving on. Let him know what you're willing to do and not willing to do in an effort to achieve that.
Maybe stop by the hardware store and pick up the fridge lock for the two of them if you can't bend him to your will. Muwahahaha }:)
But seriously, enjoy your lunch and think happy thoughts about how FH is a sweet, understanding man and you guys are a team and will be able to work this out.
The team approach- I like that
Ok, Sarahb, you KNOW where I stand on all of this (via PM) and I like a lot of what the ladies here said, especially the refrigerator lock!
But seriously, SS having his reprobate "friends" over your house would be a serious concern for me. If they are into drugs, you never know what else they could be "into"- like stealing your things to finance their drug habit. I hate to think the worst of people, but when it comes to drugs, you have to err on the side of caution.
Your SS is clearly using the excuse of "boucing around" to evade responsibility, and that is something else that you and DH need to address. But like Stepmasochist said, I would come about it from the "team" approach, telling DH about how concerned you are for him and how you (plural) feel it is in his best interest for his future to get him on track. That will certainly "play" better with DH than coming at from it at an 'attack' angle- you (singular) attacking his son and his parenting abilities.
Maybe?
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
nothing has changes as of yet
I have asked several times for MY key that his son has and still nothing but excuses..
I left to come to work today cuz I can not stand to be in that house right now and as I was leaving guess who showed up..yup the "mucher" LOL thanks Mustang1!!
I have talked to my FH till I am blue in the face about how important it is for FSS to learn responsibility.
that WE have done everything to help him and he has just thrown it right back in our face.
It is SO amazing to me that FH just doenst get it.
he still is making excuses for BS and telling me he is NOT>
infuriating, however today is it IF I dont have my key then I am changing the locks and FS will not get a key either.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
SO now it's Monday...
Are you prepared to follow through on changing the locks, Sarahb?
Maybe FH needs to know that you are indeed deadly serious about taking this stand and showing him that you will NOT be a doormat for bad behavior in your home.
Sometimes, it comes down to "these" types of moments for the parenters in our lives to know that "we're not playin'!"
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
trying NOT to say I told you so
I was giving excuse after excuse as to why FH could not bring himself to get the key, so yesterday I come home from work ( I went in to get AWAY for a bit)and tell my youngest BS (19) to lets go rake leaves, FH says well blah blah is out there raking ..ummmm no he is not cuz I just came in...
so FH goes outside looking for his son, NOPE NO SON...gets on the phone to find out where he is -OH and guess what -he took off with a friend, didnt even come in to tell his dad or nothing..
OH MAN do you know how hard it was to NOT to say ha! SEE what I said!!
sooo FSS was told to bring the key back, if it doesnt turn up before I leave work, I will stop by on my way home and get new ones..
holidays are going to be very interesting.
side note I still think FH thinks his BS is going to come around "see the light"..letz see he dropped out of school at 16 was drinking and smoking at 16, been in and out of bands- lost every job due to attitude and attendance. letz see are there snowballs in hell yet??
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."