Hi.

Sorry again about your situation. First of all, Bm needs to stop "dictating" when and what your DH's parenting schedule is. The court order does that unless both parties agree otherwise. If DH is scheduled to pick up his boys tonight, then he should take them home with him and he can agree to "extra" parenting time on Sunday night if he choses. Personally, until this woman is forced to stick to the parenting plan I wouldn't agree to any schedule swapping or changes. I truly hope the judge can beat a little sense into her. Please keep us updated, I'm very interested in the outcome of your hearing on Monday.

Also, you aren't going to like me for this one but I'm going to throw this out there because I feel very strongly about it.
If BM does not want you at the soccer game...don't go. You are only fueling an out of control fire by not respecting her wishes. Your SS deserves to have a great soccer game with no adult conflict.
Please understand that I KNOW that it is all BM's doing and it is HER that instigates scenes and it is HER immaturity that causes conflicts. Sometimes you have to accept that you will never be able to change HER behavior, but you can change yourself.

I never go to my skids soccer/baseball games. My presence angered BM for WHATEVER reason and she reacted adversely every single time. So I decided that I would stop the insanity and wouldn't go anymore, my skids deserve to have BOTH parents at their events.....and both parents deserve to be there and focus solely on their children.
My decision of granting BM's ridiculous wish has helped TREMENDOUSLY. She hasn't thrown a temper tantrum at a soccer game ever since. Not only that, I don't get that sinking feeling pregame or the stabbing stares during either.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I disagree about going to games when the BM doesn't want you. If you don't go now, where does it stop? Does that mean when the skids are in high school you still can't go to their recitals and plays? At first I held back too, because BM would make a scene. But Hubby wanted me to keep going, and the skids would still invite me too, so I went. I tried to stay in the background, but BM continued with her snide comments and glaring and whispering to everyone around her. But I just kept going because the skids asked me to. I kept quiet, never reacted to anything she said and wouldn't go anywhere near her the whole time. I forced myself to appear pleasant the whole time. After a while the skids started getting aggrivated with BM for always being in a bad mood at their events, and other people started whispering and making snide comments about her! BM quickly realized that the skids were starting to gravitate to me during these events because I wasn't snarling the whole time, and quickly changed her appearance. I'm sure she didn't change her attitude, but she pretended to so that I wouldn't get the extra positive attention from the skids that she so desperately needs for herself. I never allowed myself to get in any confrontation with her. If she looked like she was about to start something I moved as far away from her as I could and did my best to never appear rude in any way. Now we co-exist in harmony. We are perfectly polite to each other.

Every situation is different, so I can never say what is right or wrong to anyone else. The BM in my situation is very conscious of her appearance and wants everyone to think she is the the reincarnation of Mother Teresa. I'm also a pretty patient and passive person, and I can't be goaded into any kind of confrontation. Also, the main reason I kept going was because the skids asked me to. As long as the skids keep asking, I keep going. In my opinion, you have to draw the line somewhere. If BM wants you to stay away from these public functions now, do you ever get the right to attend in the years to come? I personally feel that BMs need to get used to the fact that you will be around. Don't be confrontational or anything, but just be there for the skids and forget that BM exists.

BUT i lean toward going...BM shouldnt stop u from being a part of yr sk's lives...if she makes a scene, let her embarass herself and her kid. u be the bigger person, dont antagonize her and if she confronts u, just walk away smiling. she shouldnt be dictating what u do...if yr husband and stepsons want u there, GO and enjoy yrself!

I don't have this problem, because we live too far away to go to frequent skid events. We all - DH, me, BM, her DH - took the kids for a check-up once and, although crowded in the doctor's office, it was unremarkable otherwise. I'd planned to stay in the waiting room with the kids, but BM actually invited me in and I appreciated that. It gave her a chance to see me express genuine concern for her children, but also to see that I would have no problem butting out if she didn't want to include me. That one boring little exchange really did a lot to improve what had been a really hostile relationship between us. I saw that she could be gracious enough to include me and she saw that I could be compassionate enough to not manipulate that moment.

I think motivation is the most important aspect of this debate. If you are motivated to attend these events because you know it will discomfit the BM, well, what does that say about you? If you go to spite her, to show her up, to antagonize her or to taunt her, that's not really going to help anyone. If you're going because you were invited by DH/skids and genuinely want to lend your support, then I think it's okay. No one, BM or not, has the right to tell anyone where they can and cannot go. BM's don't get to control whether or not the BF brings the SM to a game. But just because we have a legal right to be there doesn't mean it's the best choice to go. Each person has to decide for themselves what works. If it works for your family to go, then go. If it doesn't, then don't go. If you go, though, go for the right reasons.

♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

BF and SS used to ask me to come with them on exchanges. SS enjoys my company and BF wanted me there for moral support (and a steady hand to hold a camcorder if things got ugly). My presence there caused BM to soar into new heights of craziness. She would hop in her car as soon as SS was in her custody and chase us down like a bat out of hell, honking her horn and flashing her lights trying to get us to pull over so she could scream obscenities at me for being there - all with SS riding in the backseat. She dictated to us again and again that I was NOT to go on exchanges and even threatened legal recourse several times, even though she technically couldn't do anything about it. Finally, I decided that while BF and SS both wanted me to go, it was more beneficial for me to just stay home - even if it meant we had to go out of our way to drop me off so they could go without me. If it meant a peaceful exchange free of the drama in front of SS, that was more important to me than exercising my rights to be there. Sure, maybe some may see it as letting her win a battle...but really, what's more important...winning more battles than BM, or doing what you can to make the SKids' lives better and more peaceful?

If you do decide to go...more power to you. I hope she doesn't cause the scene that you are sure she will. But if you don't go, and she begins to gloat in front of DF, I would have him prepared with a response. "Yeah, she decided that it was more important for the kids to have a good time at the ballgame without you causing a scene because she was here. Maybe someday we'll be at a place where you won't go crazy at the sight of her and she can come and show her support too."

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

I would go because skids BM made a huge fuss over me attending any events...said it wasnt my place. Hubby said it was, I was part of their lives and I should be allowed to be part of the good too.

I continued to attend and we would stay away from BM as to not have any confrontations. Last year the oldest SS was in a play...first play he had been in for 4 years and he was excited about his part. Hubby was in the hospital and could not attend. He asked me to attend by myself...I was dreading it thinking oh shit is gonna hit the fan if she is to see me there but not hubby. But because it was for SS & he had wanted us to attend, my kids and I went to the school.

I am soooo thankful that I went. Turned out that BM went to the bar instead of going to see the play if you can believe that. And let me point out BM does not drink or do drugs but she plays pool. This was her pool night and I guess this came before her sons part in the play. Both SSs were there and the younger one sat with us. When it was over, I gave the older ss a hug and told him how proud I was of him, that he did a fantastic job!

When we got home, I called hubby at the hospital and told him and he couldnt believe she could do this to their son.

For oldests grade 8 grad, BM left it early to attend pool too, go figure that. So if she has a problem with me attending, so be it. Her problem, not mine!

So yes, I would go regardless if she likes it or not. You are their for support for the skids, not to please their mother.

Corie