Hanging Out w/ Dh's ex again....Who IS Friends with Dh's EW?
Well...not even two months later, another occasion came up where we had to hang out with my Dh's ex. This time instead of just Dh, her, and their 2 kids and me, more people were expected to attend the party at her house (where my hubby lived for 18 years with her) so I was okay with it. I promised myself I wouldn't torture myself as I peeked into their old bedroom, or wouldn't try to create scenarios of them two sitting outside on the deck...
Instead I went feeling confident as I took my place at my DH's side. (Those who know me, know that my DH's ex is a nice lady! She's probably like most of us...BUT...to me, she was a little too familiar with my husband. Not in a flirty way...just in a way that made me feel uncomfortable...like she belongs in the picture with them, not me! (I only know him 2 years..she knows him 20+. They have spent every Christmas together, even in the years after their divorce.) They don't know boundaries at all! Are they friends?? He says No..but their actions say both yes and no....But anyway, we had a very very lovely day..But...I still think it's weird and unnatural. Here we were, playing games on the lawn together...I ate her cooking (Much better than mine btw) and it was fine!!! She thankfully, and finally did not overstep her boundaries or say something/insensitive or stupid that would make me tap my husband on the shoulder (which is our sign for let's leave NOW before I beat the crap out of that BEATCH LOL) and I don't think neither did I;I truly don't ever want her to feel sad watching us be happy together...(he left her).
So the moral is that we can really like our Dh's exes...But, I STILL want to limit it to only funerals, weddings, graduations.....I really really hope DH doesn't try to push the envelope for the kids sake...it WAS WEIRD sitting next to his ex, watching my DH and his kids play together....she almost got the camera but changed her mind ...but I felt so like...only "I" should just be watching them play together like that at OUR house...the ex shouldn't be privvy to it anymore...
And when I told hubby I wanted the recipe for that dish...he told me to call her myself instead of asking the daughter to ask the mom...I said NO!!! I don't want to be friends!!! Just friendly enough.
(Does anyone else understand that? OR is anyone here friends and it is turned out to be a positive thing??
Thanks!
- Bonus Wife's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Friends here
My ex and I stayed friends. It was strange at first to see him and my new DH sitting outside visiting and smoking together when ex would come to pick up BD. I helped ex through rocky relationships and actaully encouraged him to go on his first date with his new wife. I knew her professionally before and liked her. We visit with each other at school functions, business functions, and just running into her here and there. I am greatful for being able to have this sort of relationship with them. When I see them happy and in love, it makes me feel good. I mean I had my time with him. SOme was good, some was bad. But I fell in love with someone else and so did he. We are happier now and are the people we are because of each other. I think it is great when you can split up and genuinely stay friends. Even better when the new spouses can be so jealous free and understanding. I tried being friends with DH's ex, but she is a psycho drug addict. Now, I was very uncomfortable at first because SD had to have outpatient surgery and BM came to town for it. SHe and DH went into the parets area to be with SD and I was jealous. DH came out, told me how sickened he was to have to be with her in there and said that he got special permission to be in there too. When I went inside, SD climbed into my lap. That is when I realized that I have nothing to be jealous of. She may be drop dead gorgeous, but I have the man she wants and the child she gave birth to }:) Now who is jealous!!! So be glad that you have the opportunity to become friends with her. You have been blessed with a situation that MANY Smoms on here would kill for....
Wow, you women are strong....
I truly admire you Bonus Wife and Vickiemac.... I don't know if I could do what you do. Bonus wife, that takes a lot to be in the home of DH's ex (of 18 years)! I could not imagine. It sounds to me that you did just fine and handled youself with much grace.... good for you!
broken record
I'm a broken record, but I have zero desire to be friends with my husband's ex wife. She's not a pyscho or anything, but I don't like her. I'm friendly, cordial and cooperative for the kids' sake, but no, I'm one (of perhaps the few) who actually doesn't think it would be nicer if we were friends. I have plenty of friends, friends who share my values, tastes, and judgment, and I think there's something unnatural about us being real friends. I don't want to be friends with someone my only husband and love of my life used to cuddle and talk babytalk to and say I love you to. I respect her role as my skids mother very much, and I always treat her with respect. But not warmth, and not real friendship. If it weren't for the kids, I'd want her to go away.
I don't think there's anything less strong or correct about my attitude toward the ex than those who are friends with the ex. It's a real, natural, honest and true feeling. It's not mean or nasty or limiting or anything like that. The kids are beautifully cared for, and they know that the grown-ups communicate regularly in a respectful and cordial manner. We all attend the same events, etc., and cooperate for the kids' benefit. That's all that matters.
AHHHH how uncomfortable - the blended ex wife n new wife
Yes, I too have sat in the ex wife's kitchen chit chatting when I did not want to be there at all. I have spent Christmas Eve 3 years in a row in ex wife's mothers house with their family, surrounded by all those old wedding pictures of a relationship that died 6 years ago. Not fun - not fun at all. So this year I will not be doing it. I will be doing what I want to do. No more 'being nice' to keep peace, to make everyone happy. Truth is, I think the ex wife is a freak and I don't like to see or speak to her at all. Especially after she has tried to hitch a ride to our forthcoming wedding. My soon to be husband now knows exactly how I feel and why.
The past should stay in the past. Sure, they have to have contact for the kids, but that is where it ends. And this Christmas, my new husband can go to his ex mother in law's 'do' all by himself - just to please the children.
One Bad Thing I Noticed
Christmas is where I drew the line...just wouldn't do it. But, I am sure hubby will ask me this year to spend Christmas at exes house..esp. now that I KNOW the ex more and vice versa. In fact, when hubby asked to take kids to dinner recently and she said she was planning to also that night, she asked why "can't" we all go? - she implied that she knew that HE wouldn't feel weird, SHE didn't think it was weird..ONLY ME...thought is was weird.
I truly wanted to clarify that Yes..not only is it weird but the most unnecessary thing in the world in my opinion. OH well. Such is life.
The other BAD thing is that before I knew the ex...I looked at the kids and only saw hubby...Now I truly notice all the ex wife's mannerisms that the kids have picked up..very weird...can't get away from her.
Demi, Ashton and Bruce are an exception not the rule!
Demi Moore, Ashton and Bruce Willis have somehow worked it out, but for the rest of us ordinary folk, it doesn't work. I don't know anyone else who willingly hangs out with their partners EW or EH.
I don't understand WHY our men want us to be friends with their EW. Women are territorial creatures and my man is MY man. And is it HEALTHY for your current marriage to have the ghost of the old one hanging around and hanging around....? NO NO NO.
Yes But...It's 1 gal, 2 guys...
Think about it...Demi is the gal..with two guys...Ashton doesn't care if Bruce is there...
But I doubt that Bruces' new wife would want to hang out with Bruce and Demi alone....
You've got a point.
Two women and one man definately don't work. Maybe two men and one woman. My partner and my EH get on OK, on the surface anyway. But EH lives in another state so my man doesn't have to deal with him very often.
Personally I think.
The situation for me would be or would have been different if maybe my hubby's ex had a mate. I probably would not have felt so weird, but since she is one of those woman who will just sit and wait for that man on the horse it will never happen. maybe, I mean one can only hope. But in the beginning I think it would have been different, and maybe we would be talking today. But it is weird to sit by my husband and have her sit across and talk and ask him how his work is? Just a little creepy. Not to mention as I am sure she doesn't want to hear about how wonderful and happy we are or moments we share, I don't care to hear about there moments. Funny thing is, she always tried to say that they never disagreed or argued and my husband says that they always disagreed and did argue. He just said that he never realised how unhappy he was till they were going thru the divorce and he went to a couselor. Even his sister said to me one day that she talks more to her brother now then she did the whole time they were together.. Which was 20 years or so.
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..