First Blog Ever
I have never had a blog before, but I decided to try one here simply because you seem like a group of people who can truly understand my anger and frustration. I also hope that I can get some advice on how to deal with the mess I am in before I go off the deep end.
DH and I have been married for almost 10 years. He has 2 daughters, but because of his health problems we chose not to have kids ourselves. The two girls lived most of their lives with their BM, except for 2 years of H**L when the older one lived with us. Long story short: older one got pregnant 2 years ago, called us with a sob story last August about boyfriend trouble, BM trouble, work trouble and asked if she could move in with us (with her son, of course
So what am I supposed to do? I don't like her, she doesn't like me, but DH wants to help his child. So I said ok, but made the fatal assumption that there would be a time table for her to leave. Needless to say, I was wrong. OH, she has a job, but in spite of having no bills and only paying us $80/month for groceries and gas, has only managed to save $1200. The BF pays some child support and she gets about $175 - $220 per check from work. She only does chores around the house if she is told what to do. You would think that, at 21, she wouldn't have to be told that if the sink is full of dirty dishes and there are no clean plates in the cupboard, she would know that she should empty the dishwasher and put the dirty ones in there, but apparently that is expecting too much.
In addition, as charming as her son is, I am very tired of babysitting. She puts him in daycare when she works day shifts, but at night, DH and I get to take care of him. Now, I teach middle school and I would love to be able to go home, sit down and relax, but that isn't possible. Even when she is home, she basically leaves stuff to us. I chose not to have kids for several reasons, including the fact that DH has a chronic illness, but here I am taking care of him and my grandson.
We have tried talking to her about her lack of interest in helping with the household and about our frustration with her in general, but things only improve for about 3 days to a week before everything goes back to how it was. DH sees everything about her through rose-colored glasses and I am starting to feel like the wicked witch of the east. I know it sounds like she does nothing right in my eyes (and at times, that is probably true!), but I also feel like I am being slowly pushed to the side. If I ask her to do something, she rarely does it. If DH asks, she will do it for a while. She stays upstairs at night until I go to bed; then she comes downstairs to talk to her dad. I have to confess that suits me fine, but he doesn't see it as her being disrespectful - he explains it away as her not being used to being part of a family. In fact, he makes excuses for everything she does and he doesn't even realize he is doing it.
Wow...this got long, but I do feel better. I would love to go to counseling, but there is no time or money for me to do this. This is the closest I will get!
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Good advice
and believe it or not, that is what I have been doing. When I mentioned the part about her needing to be told what to do, it is DH who tells her the list of things that should be done. In fact, I decided yesterday that I am no longer going to do her laundry in with ours, even though that means she will probably end up doing a load every day. (I was trying to save us some money on the water bill, but I think DH will need to have tangble proof of just how wasteful she is.) I also say nothing to her about how she raises her son or the fact that she can't seem to remember where anything goes in our house. The problem is that he just lets everything continue the way it has been. It has reached the point that I dread going home after school.
Welcome
What a load to carry. Solrolh has the right idea. Disengage. Remove yourself from the problem. SHe won't wash the dishes? Fine, buy paper plates for yourself and let then deal with the dishes. Won't clean up her mess? Fine, either leave it where it is or cart everything, dishes and all, to her room and toss it on her bed with a note telling her you wanted to help her clean up. Don't do anymore for her. Having to watch the grandbaby? This is fun for a while, but all the time? Go out yourself. Call home after work and let them know you need some "me" time. Go anywhere, library, window shopping, anything you ENJOY. Good luck.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
Very tough situation
The girls are right. Disengage. And it sounds like you've already started doing that, so good for you! I know that it can be hard...I tend to me a little bit anal about my house, so if I don't do something, it likely will not get done and then we are living in a mess, which is NOT okay with me. So I find OTHER ways to disengage. For example, I no longer buy or help pick out SS's clothing. I won't iron his clothes. I won't take him for a haircut and most recently, I will not tuck him in or read him a story at night. I don't lecture DH and SS about why, I just don't do it. Period. I also stopped calling the lawyer, checking DH's mail, dealing with documentation (all stuff re: the custody issues). Not my problem. No more dealing with BB...no more checking DH's e-mail or reminding him about parent/teacher night. See, THOSE things don't affect me all that much...so if they don't get done, and hell breaks loose, as someone very smart once said, "TOO BAD SO SAD."
Your situation is a little different. I already know that I am on my way out. I have tried and tried and it never works. So...I'm done. But if you aren't...you need to talk to DH. Does he know how stressed you are? Does he understand the scope of your frustrations? Also, does SD work 2 jobs, or is she just out and about at nights when you are watching her son? I understand that DH is between a rock and a hard place with this one, but you don't have be stuck there too. Especially since you are NOT respected or appreciated in all that you do.
Your husband/her father
Your husband/her father needs to control her actions ultimately. You can only do so much, have a serious talk w/your husband about it. What did he say if you already talked to him? Worse comes to worse, kick her out. Or don't do anything for her. Have a list of chores for her to do around the house, since she is living with you she needs to complete the chores if not have consequences. I just think that your husband and you should be on the same page so she doesn't think she can get away.
-happy mom
Boundaries Needed Here
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and your DH doesn't see things the same way you do. It's too bad. Sounds like counseling wouldn't be a bad thing, here. The catch-22 is that if you set boundaries for her, you're the bad guy, but if you don't, DH likely won't either. If you could go to counseling, a neutral third-party might be able to help define some boundaries that desperately need to be set without you being the Evil Stepmommy.
Check out my blog at http://stephaniesplace.wordpress.com
Thanks!
I never expected to have so much advice so fast! DH and I talk about this all the time, but the biggest problem is that she simply won't even attempt to make a permanent change in her behavior.
To answer a few questions:
She only works one job, but her hours vary (it is a retail job), so some days she works during the day, other times she works til ten. She goes out with friends on occasion. I am looking into finding some of my students who can babysit for her for the going rate.
My husband is the one who gives her the list of things to do around the house. I simply refuse to do that. At 21, it should be fairly obvious that the dishes need to be done or the vacuum needs to be used. It isn't like I am asking her to clean windows or wash down the walls, for Pete's sake! How hard can it be to figure out that if the garbage can is full, you empty it? Sorry about the rant, but I am trying to say that he does support me and tries to get her to hold up her end, but either she is too stupid or too lazy to do it. (I lean toward the latter.)
You all have given me some excellent starting points for more discussions. I am so glad I found this place!
You need a timeline...
To get her out of your house. 21 years old is old enough to work full time, and support herself. It is your house too, and your opinion matters! Especially since you are already taking care of your husband, you are not responsible for taking care of another ADULT! I would tell her (in writing) a reasonable date for her to find another place to live. If she hasn't saved enough money, then OH WELL! You are not running a hotel or a maid service. It would be different if she contributed to your household. There is a thing as "tough love".
As far as watching her son. I would simply say, "I'm sorry, I have already made my own plans this evening. Here is a list of teenagers who may be willing to watch him." Do this even if your plans are just watching television uninterrupted, or taking a bubble bath!
Good luck!
Hello..
I just want to say I agree totally 100% with everything you just said.. Awesome. Tough Love is something I firmly believe in especially with my kids. Now with my SD I am going to try to be just that.. I am already a bitch in her eyes so what more can happen right?
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
Ah yes, the timeline....
it would seem that the timeline is for her to stay with us for one year (which means that I have 6 months left). I was apparently living in a dreamworld when, at the beginning, I thought the plan was for 6 months tops.
As for my grandson, my problems really don't stem from me (or me and DH) watching him. He minds us and isn't much of a problem. The problem is that she has no control over him. We are trying to teach her how to parent - consistency and firmness instead of saying one thing and doing another or just giving in - but we aren't making much progress.
Now that the weather is warmer, my plans are to be outside as much as possible working in my garden. That way I get some exercise, my yard will look nice and there will be a bit of peace and quiet for an hour or two! Of course, that means she will have to watch him since I will be too busy pruning and digging.
Thanks for your advice!