Write it out.. as much as you want to scream at him and get your point across you have to stop yourself. We each know when we are talking in circles and nothing but hurtful words are being said.

Leave where he is, if it's a different room or outside go somewhere and write it out. Don't worry about how it looks on paper if it's mixed up just write. Write what you feel your pain your hurt what he said how you took it, what you are trying to tell him. DON'T BLAME!! Take responsibilty for your words that were hurtful. By the end of it no matter how many pages it may take end with love, tell him what you love about him. How happy you are together that this is just an agrument and doesn't mean more then that. That you love him and there is nothing you can't get through together.

Hand it to him, say i love you give him a kiss and walk away. Let him read it and take it all in, when he's done he'll come and talk to you and stick to the letter use it as a refrence to what you want to talk about.

I read about this a few months ago and have used it several times, even if we aren't fighting but just to get my thoughts out for him to understand because i know my mind works faster then my mouth and i lose myself and him in the point.

I hope for the best for you,
Good Luck just work through love not anger

Here are two small things that I do to help defuse:

1) I look at the clock. When I find myself "going there", I look at the clock and let myself have 5 minutes, then I'm done. I can't say another word and usually I don't need to. The 5 minutes includes him talking as well. I don't tell him I'm going to shut up in that time period. I just do. I do this when we start talking about any of the subjects that tend to push my buttons (ex, SK, how lazy my kids are, my mother, the PAST) I just don't allow alot of time to go by discussing it. We can always come back later but for now - 5 minutes.

2) Let him have the last word.

Not much but these work for me about 80% of the time.
Take care and true love always finds it way back!

Sounds crazy I know but it works for us so maybe just maybe it can work for you - my hubby and I will get into a full scale argument that's mean and heated and allows both of us to get our frustrations out but at the end when we've both said all we need to say one of us starts laughing and then the other does too. We weren't like this initially but we argue about the same stuff over and over we've had to find a way to get through it.

We sometimes say, we'll discuss it later if kids are around. Other times, we just argue and let out our feelings and anger, then we don't talk to each for that whole day. The next day we forget about the argument and move forward. We don't hold grudges which is a good. It's awkward but we communicate each other's dislikes through arguments most of the time. We don't sit down and talk calmly about it which is what we should do but we don't end up that way because at that moment we are irritated or already upset. The only way to stop yourself from blowing up is to stop yourself before you blow up, walk away or get away from the person.

-happy mom

Buzz words only work if you have amazing self control. If you are a hot-head or can't stand letting an argument die before you've said your share, the emergency word won't work at all. We tried it. What would happen is he or I would say the word and the other would basically say that they hadn't gotten their point across and it would escalate from there. One person is offended because the other tried to cut the argument short (showing them that their point didn't matter to them), and the other is offended because their use of the word didn't instantly dissipate the argument.

Over the years I have come to know how long (read: short) my man's fuse is for the most part, and after many many arguments have learned that the more productive approach is to just back off before it gets any worse. I prefer logical and calm arguments, but when he gets angry he gets loud and irrational. I used to get very defensive and emotional when he got that way, but now I have realized that that only makes it worse. All he really needs is a few minutes to boil in his own steam before he comes and apologizes and we can work things out calmly and rationally.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*