Should I play this seasonal game?
This is the first Christmas since I disengaged- I've done pretty well as DH and I are spending THE day on our own and I haven't been invited to the skids at all and they are not coming here.
However, today DH arrived home and asked me what I wanted for Christmas. This is a clear signal that he hasn't yet bought me anything.
I told him that all I wanted was for him to put up the outdoor decorations- a job I can't do on my own. I probably wouldn't fuss about them being late but my grandkids are coming up before New Year and I want them up as they haven't been for two years and so haven't seen them.
DH hasn't had time to help put them up because he has been busy working and of course it gets dark early. When he could have put them up last weekend we went to his sisters and of course it was dark when we got back.
Yesterday he took the day off work to go do jobs for MSD and visit OSD because don't you know they claps their hands and he runs... when I wanted him to take a few hours off a few weeks ago he couldn't do it and accused me of being selfish. I sucked that one up, but when he was out all day yesterday and then went back to work today and he's now gone out for a festive meal with work colleagues I felt pretty upset.
The thing is he will make out it is all my fault as I didn't say what I wanted, unlike his family on whom he will have already spent a fortune. He didn't tell me what he wanted either but I have made sure that even though we are alone on THE day, he will have lots of gifts from me to open.
The thing is now I feel I have a few choices here and I'd like some advice on what to do:
1 Do I just say nothing and watch him squirm with guilt when he opens my gifts and he has bought me nothing- even though he may
make out it is my fault?
2 Do I tell him to get me some surprises as that's what I've done for him?
3 Do I give him a list of little things I'd really like and I know he can get at short notice?
4 Do I go all out and ask for the biggest, most expensive thing I can think of just so he'll have a terrible time trying to find
it?
I know he really expected me to give him a lift tonight to the works 'do' so he can have a drink- but I didn't. I know he really wanted to have a doze on the sofa before he went out but I was vacuuming the lounge and so there was nowhere comfy for him to snooze. I know he was feeling really bad because I had a hospital appointment yesterday and he has only just asked me how it went. I have been in tears several times today but won't let him see me cry.
So, what do you think- should I play a few games and make the next few days very difficult or should I just rise above it and go get myself a lovely thing and make him wonder where it came from?
I'm not one for game playing (that's for the skids) but what do you think?
Have you asked DH if he plans
Have you asked DH if he plans on putting the lights up light you asked for help with?
I'd ask him how he can accuse you of being selfish when you told him there was one thing you wanted - for him to put the lights up - but he's too busy doing other things? Exactly who is the selfish one here?
And I would ask him his expectation on gifts. Since he has shown little care for the ONE THING you wanted, does that mean you should not worry about gifts for each other this year ?
Yes, DH plans to put up the
Yes, DH plans to put up the lights tomorrow morning, last year he fell off a ladder whilst doing it so we need to do it together. I think it is just a matter of priority- he considered me selfish when I asked him to take a few hours off work, but for his daughters he takes the whole day. Are they selfish? He would say yes, but they are his daughters so what can he do? That sums up his attitude.
I don't think he knows that I've bought him gifts, I suppose I wanted to surprise him. If we weren't spending the day alone I wouldn't have bothered too much, but I thought it was a chance for us to be kind to each other.. his are already wrapped, so I'm still intend to give them to him.
I would be straight with him
I would be straight with him and say you are quite hurt that although he was able to find time to do things for others, and to go out enjoying himself, he hasn't done the one thing you have asked of him ie put up the lights.
I wouldn't ask for anything in particular, after all, it's a bit damn late now for him to hunt around for a last minute gift - and might be inclined to point this out. Just let the pile of things you have got him speak for itself.
I did tell him it was a bit
I did tell him it was a bit late, and to me it hurts more that he managed to find gifts for all his family and had time to wrap and take them. I know where I stand in his life- well below his kids and his job and I think this has just reinforced that fact.
I think he knows I'm hurt, but he still carried on with his plans, which don't include me.
I think I'll let the gifts I've spent time and effort on finding speak for themselves, and really I don't care about getting anything back. I'll have plenty of gifts from the people in my life that care about me.
I know he'll feel bad but it is not my doing- he didn't tell me what he wanted and I still bought him stuff.
I would bet that he's
I would bet that he's carrying on with his plans in an effort to show you how it feels to disengage.
An "if you don't want to be involved, then fine! I'll carry on without you! We'll see how much you like it."
If that is the case, you need to have a talk with him about how you don't want to disengage from him or your marriage, just from his kids.
I've done this- he isn't
I've done this- he isn't listening. I'm hoping the penny will drop eventually... or maybe he always just wanted me there to be a shield between him and his kids, now I don't do that he no longer needs me?
It has taken four years for
It has taken four years for my DH to begin to accept my disengagement. He is doing well with it now.
DH finally accepts that I am disengaging from SD, not him.
It takes time and actually showing your DH that you are serious, no words speak louder than actions. I show my boundaries, sincerity, disengagement, and love without words now, since I disengaged. We have hashed out the disengagement and there isn't anything left to be said. DH knows my reasons and I believe he understands. He also shows me, through actions, his concerns and love. My DH will never cross his DD, but I handle the problems between SD57 and myself; after all I have no choice.
Disengagement changes everything, including your relationship. I also didn't expect the results that came from my disengagement, but it is actually more out in the open and healthier for us.
Accepting the fact that you are no longer included or even considered, that is the difficult part of disengagement; it is part of the big picture.
You know him best...but imo I
You know him best...but imo I would use #2 on my DH....he says he'd rather know what I want so he can't mess it up by guessing..must not know me as well as he used to..lol Just picture him wandering around for hours with no clue where to start or what the end game looks like
I don't think this will work-
I don't think this will work- I admit I'm not easy to buy for and at my age there isn't much small stuff that I need. If he decides he's going to get me a token gift fair enough, but I'll know it for what it is. I'm not a big fan of surprises and he knows that.
We'll see...
What do you really want out
What do you really want out of it?
That's the real questions out of all this. If all you want is the decorations put up then you stick with that and when he feels bad point it out again. If your fine letting the decorations go then either ask for surprises or give him a small list. Unless you really want something big don't ask for it.
Don't look at this like a game. Be straight forward.
Thanks- I don't want to play
Thanks- I don't want to play games- I really don't care about the gifts but it hurts that he puts his own family before me- this is the thing he will never understand and was the cause of my disengagement in the first place.
I am glad that I don't have to see his family this Christmas- that is gift enough for me- but the lights are important because I know my grandkids will love them. Seeing their faces will make my Christmas.
If he feels bad when he opens his gifts then that's his problem. I'll be too busy having a nice time with my family.
"....but it hurts that he
"....but it hurts that he puts his own family before me- this is the thing he will never understand and was the cause of my disengagement in the first place."
FairyO I am curious if you have ever told DH why exactly you disengaged. I saw several posts where you mentioned needing to have a talk, needing to communicate. I wonder if you ever said it that way to him, and if so, what his response was.
His response was to move into
His response was to move into the spare room and disengage from me- yes, it has been that long. If I raise any issues I just get accused of being caustic and selfish... he is a man of deeds not words- I gave up trying to talk to him months ago.
If the lights and decorations
If the lights and decorations are important to you hire someone to it.
Around here there are always ads for people who put them up and take them down.
Use the money you would have spent on his family.
I really wish I had done this
I really wish I had done this now! But, I've left it a bit late. I didn't realise he was going to be so busy putting his family first!
I don't believe in game
I don't believe in game playing. If your needs are not being met, you sit him down and tell him. But you have to be willing to listen to him and if he feels his needs are being met.
If his needs are not acceptable to you, such as catering to his adult kids, then you have difficult decisions to make if that is how you want to live.
Yep, tried this. Truth is my
Yep, tried this. Truth is my needs will always come secondary to the needs of his family...
no no games. it is tiring to
no no games.
it is tiring to remember the score.
this reminds me of stuff I have dealt with.
sorry you are in pieces.
tell him you would have enjoyed the decorations but that you see he can't find the time to put your request on his to do list.
1-give him the stuff you bought
2-or take it all back
3-or donate to some charity that desperately needs in his name .
4-or both names and tell him that is the gift you will share this year.
number 4 is the best idea I think because it is a gift you both can take~ joy from giving to those who need.
You are frazzled and hurt .
He may be ,too ,and prideful.
Maybe Christmas will be a day to sip a nice warm libation and have a calm heart to heart.
forget about all the peripheral people who make the complications.
it should be about you and him.
Thank you- this is what I
Thank you- this is what I hoped for- but his taking the day off to run around for his kids opened up the old wounds. I really just needed to get some equilibrium back and needed a rant and some perspective from other people. I spoke to a friend about it yesterday and tried to tell her how difficult it is with my skids, but she doesn't have them so I knew she didn't really understand the complexities involved. People on here do understand, that's why it is a lifeline for me.
I'm going with option 1- I bought them because I love him and it is Christmas. I will get things from other people who are near and dear to me.
Christmas day is a chance for us to have some rest and quiet together- I suspect he will say very little and have a couple of glasses and sleep! I am not holding out any possibility of a heart to heart...he just does not know how to do it.
So, did he get you anything?
So, did he get you anything?
He got me a cheap box of
He got me a cheap box of chocolates and blamed me for being hard to buy for. I sucked it up because I got some lovely gifts from other people who don't consider me difficult. He was pleased with all the gifts I bought him- I don't know if he felt ashamed...
Next year hire a handyman to
Next year hire a handyman to put up all your decorations and tell DH that he just bought his gift to you.
Next year is too far away to
Next year is too far away to think about- but we will take them down together tomorrow and look forward to not very much it would seem...