I need someone outside the family to give their opinion
There is me and my son who turns 16 this month then my DH and his son who just turned 16 and his daughter who is 14.
My son planned to have two friends over today around 2 for a small bday celebration. The SS & SD are here this weekend but DH usually leaves around 2:30 taking them back to Tennessee where they live.
My DH is furious because he said me and my son are being selfish because we did not "invite" his two kids to the bday party. For crying out loud this is not a kids bday party. DS is turning 16 and his two are 16 and 14. Grow the F*** up already.
My thinking on this is:
His kids do things at their "home" and do not include my son, which my son does not care or want to be included. My son lives with me and DH and this is his "HOME," so why does he have to invite them when he makes plans?
Every other week when we have DH's kids here it is a nightmare and not necessarily because of the kids. A lot of the time it is DH. We have been married for over 5 years now and it has always been tense and he is always yelling and getting uptight and pissed off when his kids come. I am so damn tired of dealing with this shit.
My mom is staying with us right now due to being diagnosed with lung cancer four weeks ago and told she only has 3-6 months to live. I am having a rough enough time dealing with this and just don't need the added stress.
Please if I am looking at this wrong correct me and help me see it in the right prospective. I know my thoughts are all out of whack right now.
Ask your DH if his feelings
Ask your DH if his feelings are hurt because HE wasn't invited to hang out with your son because that's the only explanation there would be for his unreasonable reaction. It's like your son is hanging out with his two close friends like every other day except this JUST happens to fall on his birthday--does your DH expect your son to invite his kids to EVERY HANGOUT SESSION EVER that your son has? If so, then he better have his kids invite your son to EVERY HANGOUT SESSION EVER.
Redonk.
First off and most
First off and most importantly, {Hugs} to you and your mother. Coping with a catastrophic illness is horrific; it can also lead to some wonderful moments of healing and understanding between you all.
BS-stb16 is having 2 friends over. It is nominally about his birthday, but probably more about video games, trash-talking, junk food & soda. I'm fairly certain that BS is not OBLIGATED to have step-siblings share every friend visit. With the skids normally leaving early, you had no reason to arbitrarily change their visitation for this.
If DH would LIKE to help organize a party or plan for all the kids to do something together the next time they're over --- great. Did Skids bring presents/giftcards?
Sounds as if DH's anxiety level ratchets through the roof when the kids come to visit and he is using lashing out at you to release some of the pressure. The pressure is likely self-imposed conflict between how he would LIKE things to be and how they are in reality. This is his problem.
So sorry to hear of your
So sorry to hear of your mother and the emotions you have, just with this situation alone.
This is NOT your problem, it is his....do not let him make it about you. If he wants HIS kids there, then he could work it out with you and the ex, but otherwise, you go on with you life and do not expose your mother to his tantrums.
Just out of curiosity
Just out of curiosity (totally not trying to attack), do you have siblings? For my family at least and most of my friends, when we had our birthday hangouts once we were in high school, our siblings weren't "invited." (Younger than that though, our siblings came to whatever we were invited to and vice versa because we were close in age.)
Not that they couldn't be around, but if we were hanging out with our friends, it wasn't automatically assumed the sibling would be included.
We did have a birthday celebration with our family, but when we reached the age of 14, my parents understood the importance of beginning to be independent so we had two "birthdays"--one however we wanted to celebrate with our friends, and one that was required to celebrate with our family.
Sounds like you're damned if
Sounds like you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Were the skids upset, or just your H?
I think it was just DH but SD
I think it was just DH but SD is an instigator and likes hanging around the boys so she may have said something to her dad about it. However, too my knowledge they did not even know about it unless DH told them. My SS, who is also 16, is the total opposite of my DS and he would not have wanted to hang out with DS friends. He also would not have been upset or concerned one way or the other.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the replies.
To sueu2 - My son actually said to me that he did not think he needed to invite DHs kids because they are already here. He does not realize when they come or go (as in what time).
This was spontaneously planned, on Thursday, again due to my mom's illness I have not been remembering things like my son turning 16. When I realized it was close to his bday and his 16th bday at that, I asked him if he wanted to do anything special with his friends. He just wanted to invite a couple of friends over and have pizza and play video games. He told them at school on Friday what time to be here and he told them 2 to 6.
DH's kids moved to Tennessee in June, which is a two hour drive from where we live so he usually leaves around 2:30 to get them home. I mentioned to him Friday about my son's plans and the fact that he could leave a little earlier and stop and eat with his kids. At that time, he did not say anything.
Today he is furious and they actually left at 1:30. He has not returned home yet and I am trying to better understand where he is coming from with his actions.
So Sueu2 if the stepkids have a life at their "home" that does not include my son why is it that my son has to include them in his plans? THIS IS MY SON's HOME. And before you say we could have done it on a weekend they are not here - my son goes to his dad's house on the weekends the stepkids are not here. His dad does not do anything special for him.
I on the other hand have tried in the past to do something special for the steps only to have it thrown back in my face.
Oh WOW thank you that
Oh WOW thank you that definitely was an eye opener.
My son never once said the steps were not invited and he did not care one way or the other. I was the one to suggest to DH that he could leave a little earlier to take them home. I do not remember it being mentioned around the steps at all. DH could have said something Friday night or even yesterday but he waits till today to blow up out of the blue. If he had voiced this earlier we could have discussed it and he could have asked for them to stay longer. He blew up and left to carry them home. Just left me very upset and confused.
I barely even saw them while they were here because their bedrooms are upstairs and when they were downstairs I was busy with my mom.
I want lie about how I feel about the steps. They have made my life hell and no matter what I have tried to do for them they throw it back in my face so NO I don't care too much for them.
The point of my post was whether DH has a reason to be pissed at me or not given the circumstances. I understand your point is he does have a reason to be mad.
Thank you for you point of view.
Tommar, I see your point and
Tommar, I see your point and that may be where the problem lies. We have had cake with everyone here in the past, nothing special. DS has had bday parties every year until he turned 13, that was more organized and included the two steps. We did not do a party for the past two years. All three of my step kids have had bdays this year and we have not done anything for any of them.
I stopped planning bday things for them several years ago because of the way they have acted in the past. I do not buy their gifts or their cakes or anything to do with them. That is DHs job as their parent.
This is my son and I do what needs to be done for him. He lives here full time with DH and I. For some reason I just thought since they are older now and he is turning 16 it would be okay for him to plan this small get together for his bday without worrying about the stepkids.
So now I am torn on whether I should apologize to DH or tell him to go to Hell. I am mentally and physically exhausted taking care of my mother and trying to work full time and now this. I just want to get in bed and cover my head.
Is your son allowed to have a
Is your son allowed to have a friend or two over on a weekend day and/or evening on occasion just to have fun? He goes to his Dad's EOWE and is home the other EOWE with the skids also at your home.
While I understand today's event was designated 'birthday', it's really pizza and three boys playing videos. Does your son get opportunities to have 'friend time' in his home?
IMO, if he doesn't, he should... and you shouldn't have to apologize for it.
My son rarely invites his
My son rarely invites his friends over because of DH. He and DH do not get along if I am around but when I am gone they get along just fine, it seems.
I love both DH and DS and I do not want my son to feel like this is not his "home." I have tried explaining this to DH.
Explain to husband that you
Explain to husband that you did not know it would upset the apple cart this badly, nor did you think he would mind since you tried to talk to him beforehand and nothing was said. Even if you did it on purpose, it is not like your steps have a lot of respect for you are your kid, right? Does your husband try to fix that situation????
He might try understanding your mother is not well and you are trying to keep her alive; maybe this time he can put your needs first and explain to him you will think about it more next time, geeze...
You are damned if you do and damned if you don't, I agree with JulieX.
Your DH is being a total ass.
Your DH is being a total ass. This wasn't a birthday party with ponies and balloon clowns (thanks anotherstep2 for that visual).
When I had a couple of friends over (or even a bunch) my brother (close in age to me) would never have thought to be offended that he didn't get a "party invitation". I didn't even want to hang around for a piece of cake on his birthday if he was having a few friends stop by. I didn't do that at 10 - I CERTAINLY did not do that at 16.
No reason your son should have to include the steps in HIS birthday activities. He's 16 and wanted to see a couple of his friends for the day. There were no bands, balloons, or clowns that the poor widdle skids missed. Did the skids even wish him happy birthday? - bet they didn't rush in with presents and cards either.
I'm sorry for what you are dealing with your mother. I remember when I got the news that my mother's cancer had spread and it was terminal. I am sorry that your DH is such an ass that he can't support you during this time of need. Please try to just ignore his assholiness during this time.
Thank you. My mom and I have
Thank you. My mom and I have always been close and this is so hard to deal with. DH is usually supportive but he does not deal with sickness well either.
totally agree with
totally agree with notasm..your DH is being unreasonable. Your DS has every right to have his friends over. It is NOT about the skids. Don't let your DH make it about the skids,
I want to thank everyone that
I want to thank everyone that has commented. My son told his friends at school Friday to come at 2 pm. I tried to get DH to leave a few minutes earlier and take his kids out to eat, which would have been something special for them.
I don't think the steps were upset about my son having his friends over. I know neither of them would want my son hanging out with them and their friends. And Yes, they are able to invite friends over when they are here.
I think someone pointed out that this is the steps "home" also because it is their dad's home - I agree with this BUT this is not their "MAIN HOME." Their "main home" is with their mother just as my son's "main home" is here with his mother. Whether we like it or not that is the way it is when families are separated by divorce or other means.
DH called a few minutes ago and he is almost home. He acted like nothing was wrong and did not even mention being upset. When he left he was furious and said a few hurtful things. So I can either go along and act like nothing happened or I can try talking to him and figure out what is really going on.
I do not understand why he always gets uptight and acting weird when his kids are here....it only makes things worse for everyone.
Thank you all again for the post and mentioning of my mom.
If he does not bring up the
If he does not bring up the subject, just let it go.... And, it is your son's main home; I would tell husband in advance (just as you did), and then do what you need to to to balance all you are doing in your life. If it had been that important to your husband, he would have said or done something beforehand.
Put your emotion on your mother now and let this one rest, if possible.
Thank you. I appreciate your
Thank you. I appreciate your input. All is well with us for now. He said his kids were not upset and he just over reacted.
OK so this is your sons home.
OK so this is your sons home. Now say he went to stay with his bio dad. Bio dads s/kids had a gathering of a few friends for a birthday. Your son is not invited. Now do you see how it looks?
I would have told s/kids "DS is having a couple of friends over for his 16th birthday. You are welcome to stay although it is just pizza and video games." Of course they won't stay. But then it would be on them.
And if your DH says anything just say it wasn't appropriate for his daughter to be hanging around 16 yr old boys she isn't related to. No other girls only his young daughter.
Dumpy - say nothing further
Dumpy - say nothing further about it, I can guarantee you SD started bitching about this in the car.... and DH got pissed off, that little snot wanted to hang with the boys....
You already said SS did not mind, it's not his friends but SD .... now I know 14 year old girls.
Your son had friends coming over, it was not really a party in my opinion, just a couple off boys playing games and eating junk food... now I am a bitch, I will keep quiet about this whole issue till one of the skids has a birthday next year.... of if SD still has hers this year, and if my son is not invited I will go off on DH, believe me I will say his words back to him and worse...... I will ask why is skids having parties and BM's, why not here... oh wait cause they do not want to invite DS? Yes I would be a total bitch about it.
Next year when your son has his birthday, arrange before hand that him and his friends meet up at an arcade...and know what - still do not invite the skids, freaking brats....
I'm will keep this under cover and find out who cause DH to be upset cause the poor little COD's did not get invited and if it's SD, she will be asked: SD you are 14, why do you want to hang with 16 year old boys who's not even family, you want to test your slut skills?