step dad and his kids excluded
im a father of 3 with with a typical visitation schedule. my new fiancee has one child. im a great father for all for kids. i always extend and treated hers like mine. i grew frustrated because the feelings are not the same. my kids were not invited to her son bday. he turned 7. i was asked to save the date by my finacee and would not switch weekends with my ex wife due to his party when she wanted me to switch. then the kids were not invited. it was only school friends. this is something i would never consider doing.i always include him in anything we due. i was brought up with the values that everybody should be included. i often baby sit and go out of my way to help her out with favors. recently driving her to the airport at 4 am and a few weeks later she doesnt offer to help me get my car in the shop 8 miles away. she was busy at a play date. she admits she was not brought up with the same background and my inclusive nature is foreign to her. anyway, fine my kids were not invited but during the day i needed help, something i always had anxiety asking for. need her to watch 2 of my 3 children while i had to take my youngest to another party. could drop her off. she is only 4 but couldnt impose on the host to include my 10 and 6 year old at the 4 year old party. i asked my finacee to help watch the kids and she said she is too busy setting up for her sons party and that my kids would be there for a third of it and its not fair to her son. hearing that was foreign to me. tried telling her im hurt it was a defensive battle for her. she tells me her friends husband would never "dump" his kids on her friend. we are best friends. isnt that what best friends do? we dont live toghether and were planning our move this summer. i told her i dont think its a good idea and we are not ready for the move. my logic was that i would be with her and her son 24/7 happy to help out but it is dumping to ask her to watch mine for a few hours and it would ruin the party. she said i was completely overacting and that if we cant live together then whats the point of being engaged then. so i agreed, she returned the ring and am sitting here amazed how this all happened. did i overreact? is seperate parties normal? felt like a guest in her life though...
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Your fiance sounds incredibly
Your fiance sounds incredibly selfish. That's totally out of line that your children were excluded from her sons birthday party. Its ridiculous that she has no problem asking ng you for favors but can't do the simplest favor back. A 4am trip to the airport is a hard ge inconvenience and she won't even go a few miles out of her way for you?
She's showing you exactly how much you mean to o her.....believe her.
I'm sorry to say but you
I'm sorry to say but you might have two different styles of what blending a family means. Some are inclusive like you, and some prefer to keep things separate. I think you need to think long and hard if being with someone who likes to keep things separate is right for yourself.
People also have different priorities--she thinks her son's birthday is more important than your car and you think doing favors for the other half is more important than the birthday party. No one is "right" or "wrong", you two are just very different. It seems to me you resent the imbalance of how much you do versus how much she does, but remember, no one is forcing you to do these things, you are choosing to be inclusive despite knowing she likes things separate, and it wouldn't be wise nor bode well for you if you expect her to do the same when this isn't what she is used to.
Fair? No it's not. Selfish of her? I can see that. But you can even the playing field by giving her the same amount of consideration she gives you and your children, this way you don't feel "used." Especially if she don't expect you to be inclusive, and you do it on your own, she thinks you're doing it because you want to even thou she doesn't want or need you to be. If she did, the I would say she's very selfish.
You have the ability to say "no" but if you don't want to, then that is your issue that you need to work through.
Let me give you an example:
My husband once in a while likes to do things that are considered my chores (I stay at home right now and we have it that I handle the cleaning and chores at my place, he handles it at his) even though I don't ask or need him to, like washing the dishes by hand (we have a dishwasher). Then when we go to his apartment to deal with our business for a night, if there are dishes in a sink, I don't wash it and he gets hurt that he does it for me but I don't do it for him.
The problem is I am under the impression that we each do our own chores at our places (and we stay the majority at home anyway so I do the majority) so I never thought he'd want me to do the chores at his place too just because he does something occasionally at mine.
If I do something for him I don't expect something in return unless it was previously agreed upon that there's a trade off, so he's learning that too. I am also learning that he would very appreciate it if I sometimes cleaned up at his place too, so I am also occasionally doing it, not because it's my job or expected of me, but because it's like a gift to him
thank you. the little
thank you. the little resentments went on and on. she tries to convince me that it was me who was selfish for imposing on her stressful day setting up. i still dont know what is right. but i would always welcome her son no matter what and he never missed a party i threw.
I do have to ask though, for
I do have to ask though, for the car issue did you ask her before she had the play date set up or did you spring it up on her after? If you asked her before she set it up and she refused, then I think she was out of line, but if you asked her after then I think it's a little unreasonable to ask everyone else to change their schedule (since playdates involve more than one person and are usually planned ahead) for something you just brought up.
I think better planning and communication is key for that problem at least.
You didn't over-react. Even
You didn't over-react. Even without the kids coming into play, if she isn't willing to help you out with simple things like picking up your car when she has no problem asking you to take her the airport then yea... she's not interested in being a partner to you or forming a family. She's interested in having someone around that will do things for her on her terms.
The birthday party thing... I guess I would clarify - were You invited to the party? If she wanted you there, then yes, extremely rude to not want your children of roughly the same age there. If you weren't technically invited to the party either... it's less rude though still very strange for a committed relationship I think.
The 'dumping' the kids on her thing... you didn't dump them. You asked. I can in some respects understand you being hurt by her saying no, and I can also understand her saying no. I'm not sure when you asked and I'm not sure how much is really involved in setting up this particular party, but depending on how your kids behave for just her, how they get along with her kid or if she had to run errands and go pick things up... I can get where she would see it as too much and say no. The unfair to her son thing... that's really pushing it.
I don't know if there's a lot more going on here than what you've written, but based only on what you've said, I'd let the relationship go and look for someone more interested in an actual partnership.
^^^^^ i dont think we have
^^^^^ i dont think we have enough information to determine taht SM is selfish.
Perhaps BM is disengaged, Perhaps there is alot more story here...
What is the relationship between your SO and your childen?
How escalated is your SO's relationship with your Ex?
To many unanswered questions to give any advice at this point
this is really helpful. i
this is really helpful. i appreciate all the comments, insight and support. was very confused and felt it all just feel apart so stupidly. i do try to understand her point of view. yes, there is much more to my story but in general there have been to many missed opportunities to show that she cared. sure she says "i love you" but they were only words at the end of the day when the actions dont follow. again thank you everybody for taking the time to write.
No it is not normal. Be glad
No it is not normal. Be glad that you had the good sense to not move in with her. Relatioships should always be even in the give take area. You were doing the giving and she was doing the taking. Now you can find a real women that wants a careing nice man.