Adult skid and expectations
Just really irks me that my DH cannot say anything to his 21 year old son.
Last October I finally convinced my DH that skid needed his auto insurance payments debited from his own account not ours. When it was coming out of our account skid was suppose to give us money but more than half the time skid didn’t and DH did not say anything.
Well the switch happen last fall and the first month his payment has NSF and his insurance almost was cancelled. In our province 2 strikes an they will cancel you.
Well May of this year strike 2 came. Insurance company sent a registered letter cancelling him. DH said he is going to set it up so it comes out of our account which there was some harsh talking and DH not communicating what the end result was, but that was a previous post.
When DH confirmed (once I asked him) what account the insurance is coming out of, it was our account. The deal that he told skid is that he has to e-transfer $180 the 15th of every month and he is not chasing him down for it. Well Monday was the 15th and no funds from skid for his insurance.
I asked DH on Wednesday (since he had lunch with skid the day before) if he got cash for the insurance instead of an e-transfer for the funds due on the 15th. He said no and got defensive and said skid will pay, maybe a couple days late but he will.
I reminded him that he did this as a safety net and the goal is to have things come out of his own account so him being late is not teaching him responsibility. Same kind of thing the marriage counselor told him previous to this.
Part of me wants to text or phone and remind skid that his insurance payment is late (since DH will never say anything to skid), what are your thoughts? Advice on how to handle this? It just pisses me off.
Perhaps DH could open up a
Perhaps DH could open up a separate savings account and put his disposable income in it. The insurance payment can then be drafted from that account rather than a joint household account. DH is not feeling any pinch with the payment currently therefore is unwilling to follow-up with his adult son.
DH does not have disposable
DH does not have disposable income because he hid over $30K of debit from me before we married and all the extra goes to that. But its not so much the money as I explained to DH in marriage counselling, its lies, deceit, and no follow through which make his son an entitled brat. Skid makes over $41K a year (I know, I do his taxes) and his rent is only $375.00 per month. There is no reason he cannot support himself.
The expectations of that we (or his dad who he has no idea of the debt that the expectations have caused) should do everything for him is pissing me off big time and then my husband does not do anything. Not even a text to say "Hey son don't forget to transfer the funds for your insurance to me".
During a conversation DH said he would co-sign a mortgage for skid if he needed. If he does that I need a divorce because I do not need creditors coming after me for skids debts that my husband co-signed for. Urghh!
AH, I forgot about DH's debt
AH, I forgot about DH's debt and that SS makes a decent living. I would be livid as well, especially since DH is backing off of an agreement you had made as a resolution after counseling. Idiot. DH is not playing fairly by you at all.
Edit: I don't have any great suggestions. I'd love it if there was a way for DH to be uncomfortable with reniging on your agreement. He is protecting SS from the natural consequences of his behavior. No insurance/no drive/taxi to work, whatever ...
I'd probably have a glass of wine and text/call SS. What do you have to lose?
Thanks Indigo, that's what I
Thanks Indigo, that's what I am going right now. Having a glass of wine and contemplating texting SS a " friendly" reminder. Wonder if I do text him if it will cause a total crap storm between me and DH.
I went through the same trust
I went through the same trust issues with DH a year after we got married when we went to get out taxes done and I found out how much he really earned. He had led me to believe that he made quite a bit more. I was supporting him so he could put SD through college at the time and she was treating me like dog doo.
Like you, I finally had enough and told DH he would have to pay for 1/2 of the living expenses - which was cheap. We kept separate accounts for ourselves and created a joint checking account which we both contributed equally to - this account was for our living expenses only. Even when SD was making a lot more money than he was, DH would put hundreds of dollars into her bank account every month. At first I thought, "Hey that's his money, he has a right to do what he wants with it." But now that he is retired he does not have much of a financial cushion if he needed it.
You mentioned, "During a conversation DH said he would co-sign a mortgage for skid if he needed." You really need to protect yourself. If you have not been married to DH for very long, ask for a post-nuptial agreement.
That is exactly my fear if we
That is exactly my fear if we don't work together on our finances that when it comes to retirement DH will have accumulated even more debt by continuing to spend and give money to skid and when we retire he will either expect me to support him on money I have saved for retirement or I will be doing things on my own during retirement because DH can't afford to do the same.
DH turns 50 this year, has small amount of RSP and no other savings, the next 10-15 years should be buckling down to save for retirement.
Dating a credit score is
Dating a credit score is actually a great idea IMHO. Since many people like to embellish during the dating phase this cuts the bullshit in a hurry when it comes at least to the money management arena.
I know, it takes some of the romance out of the mix but better safe early than sorry much later.
My SIL (brother's wife) is one who can't manage money to save her life. Fortunately for her both of her parents were well off and her StepDad was loaded when she met my brother. My brother has been extremely successful so she went from money to my very diligent money manager brother. Even now that he (they) are wealthy in their own right he has always kept her on a very tight allowance. She gets no access to accounts or credit cards. Only a debit card with her monthly allowance. When it is gone... that is all she gets until the next month. If there are special expenditures (back to school, kid's birthdays, etc...) she gets an extra amount for those events for the month. He has not always been that tight with giving her money and she has gone crazy a number of times and has gotten them in trouble. Now she gets no leaway.
Interestingly my brother is rather envious of my wife and I. That we are equity life partners and have built what we have together. Particularly how my bride is an amazingly intelligent person and from his perspective most notably around finances. What my brother and his wife have he has built with no contribution from her. I am not speaking of financial contribution. She has literally contributed nothing to their partnership beyond bearing their three kids.
I am sad for my younger brother. He deserves far better.
Yes, I agree co-signing for a
Yes, I agree co-signing for a house puts your finances also at risk. I think what irks me in these type of situations is that the money your dh has been shelling out, when he really does not need to, is money that can be used for a date night or a vacation for both of you etc. Instead, he needs to feel like a disney dad. Why don't you ask him to give you the same amount each month and you can put it in an account for special things. I bet you that he will refuse to do that. However, if he can give his ds money, he can do the same for you.
Yes he hid the fact that he
Yes he hid the fact that he had $30k of consumer debt and I found out a month after we were married, needless to say I was beyond angry that he lied by omission.
DH has not co-signed a mortgage or any loan for skid but in a conversation he said he would have no problem co-signing a mortgage for skid when he decided to buy his first house if he needed. My reply was skid can't even pay you money that he borrows on time or at all and you would co-sign for him? He is a lousy credit risk.
Agreed. I am 43 yo and I
Agreed. I am 43 yo and I constantly think about retirement planning and I have investments and savings, DH is 7 years older and has his head in the clouds about it, like it will just take care of its self.
Skid is not on my insurance,
Skid is not on my insurance, he has his own policy with a different insurance company. The monthly payment for skid's policy is coming out of our account because DH doesn't want skid's insurance to get cancelled again for non payment, this way we are the safety net for skid the man baby. The payment comes out of our account on the 21st of the month and the deal was that skid pays on the 15th.
i'd suggest you aim for more
i'd suggest you aim for more financial independence from your husband - separate accounts for each of you, from which a set amount goes into a joint account each month to cover your joint household expenses (pre-existing consumer debt is not a joint household expense, nor are his kids' expenses.)
if husband doesn't have much disposable income due to his consumer debt issue, then that's his problem. he'll just have to tell his kid that he doesn't have the money to help him.
So skid finally had the
So skid finally had the payments coming out of his own account, he defaulted, lost his insurance and Daddy promptly had the payments taken out of your joint account again!
Now, DH has said that he will consign a loan for skid!
You need to call the bank, cancel the insurance payments, remove all the funds from that bank and open another account in another bank in your name only.
When DH freaks out, tell him that's how it feels to have no trust in your partner when it comes to money.
Duplicate
Duplicate
FANTASTIC advice!
FANTASTIC advice!
Daddy DumbAss to the
Daddy DumbAss to the rescue!!!!!!
Dumbasses beget dumbasses..... Looks like this is playing out in your DH's genepool.
I would be bugging the shit out of the spawn for the money and if DH's says a word... he can learn to love sleeping on the sofa. No fighting with DH, he gets told and he suffers. Period!
DH should have let his son walk or get a major ticket rather than mitigated the consequences of failing to pay for his insurance. The Skid has learned shit for nothing through all of this.
Good luck.
Agreed Rags, Skid has no
Agreed Rags, Skid has no consequences and learns nothing because daddy comes to the rescue. I managed not to say anything over the weekend however skid stopped by DH's work on Monday. So I asked DH if he paid the insurance money to him and he said no but he reminded him but has not received a etransfer yet. Well here it is Thursday and nothing.
I am sure Skid spent the money and we will have to wait until he gets paid next at the end of the month if we see it at all. Skid was probably hoping that nothing would be said and he wouldn't have to pay.
DH and I will have a conversation tonight about it because we are not going to be his overdraft or line of credit when he over spends and doesn't pay his bills because it doesn't teach skid how to be responsible.
It pisses me off that DH always tip toes around his kid.