ouch. I am sorry.

So now you know that the SD is a total POS. Treat her accordingly.

So sorry about your hurt, but glad you were treated respectfully. Still, the kids table sort of smacks you in the face with unfair rejection of two little girls whom you adore. Surely your DH must have seen this for himself. Your SD is small and not worth your thoughts. If your DH expects the same scenario at the next wedding he is not valuing you or his little girls enough. You do not owe it to him to go unless he makes it perfectly clear to the SD who is getting married that if there is a kiddie table he wants to see his daughters seated at it. Has he made any comments about how cruel SD was?

Your husband should have called the bride immediately when your invitation arrived to clarify. Maybe they didn't mention the kids but it was assumed they were included in the parents invitation and just a misunderstanding? If an RSVP card was included, I would have put 2 adults and 2 children and gotten the thing out into the open. Let them call me and tell me their half-siblings aren't invited instead of suffering in silence.

So OP did you ever clarify or confirm with SD that her sister's were not invited or did you just assume that they weren't because they weren't on the invite?

I have an adopted sister (kind of another one as well but it's a long story) anyways, so technically she is my sister. Being completely honest, if I could not invite her to certain things and not feel bad about it, I would.

She's spoiled. She's messy. She's bratty. She whines and cries until she gets her way. She has no respect for personal space or personal items. She is almost 18 and can't stand when the grandkids (11, 11 and 1) get more attention from her parents (my dad and SM) or when my sister and oldest niece have attention from them.

Every visit with my dad and SM would be 100% nicer if she wasn't around honestly. It's harsh and I don't like feeling that way but it's the truth.

It's my parents fault so they are to blame.

Not sure if that is the case here with your daughters and SDs?????

First, hugs. I have been lurking for a while and I stumble upon your original thread because I searched for "Jewish" because I had questions about B'nai Mitzvahs and step families.

I wanted to comment on a couple of things -- it is possible that her initial thought was that the number was 130 (which I don't think it small, by the way). My best friend is an wedding planner and nearly every wedding she has planned this summer has had more guests than the formula she generally uses with great success has predicted. So it is possible that their intentions was for the number to be closer to 130. My friend is losing her mind -- perhaps the bride and her mother did too.

From your original thread, it seems as though your definition of family and theirs is likely different. They weren't thrilled when you married their father and yet she included you in a very public way. Heck, you were even in the bridal suite, corsage, on front row -- not one of these was the obligation of the Bride to do. She was polite and inclusive. That said, much of what you view as closeness, may in fact be from his kids perspectives, the uniqueness of having little kids around. Going to the dance recital, buying toys, having phone chats with little kids are all fun for 20 somethings with no kids of their own.

Does your H ever spend time with his kids without you and your Ds? If not, his kids may feel like they have to do these things to see him.

What worried me in your initial thread was that your DH had to think about whether he would walk his daughter down the aisle with her mother? Can you explain this? As someone who is Jewish (and you indicated that your DH is Jewish), this made me wonder about his relationship with her and her siblings? There should have been no thinking about it. I wonder if this sent an unintended message to his kids. (It sounds like he has been an involved father with no estrangement, so why the hesitation?)

I am going to post a question about Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and wonder if you can take a look and see if you have any insight....

I think there are two sides to this..

First I agree..it was SD's wedding and she had the right to invite or not invite whom ever she wishes.

Second... as a mother and a wife to DH I would be outraged. The little girls are half sisters..DH's children as well as SD. The fact that they were not invited but you and DH were is an obvious insult. Perhaps if SD is drawing a line through the family you need to pick your side...your DDs.... or ...

There is no doubt that what has transpired will change the family dynamics and how you interact with SD and DH. And so it should...you have two little girls that will have their feelings hurt because what they thought was an older sibling does not exist. You have to tell your children the truth. DH needs to be in on this because they are his little girls too. For a father to be ok with two of his kids being excluded to that extent makes me wonder what kind of man he is. I know it's not an easy thing to do...make everyone happy..but obviously he needed to show a little more support with regards to this little ones.

My personal opinion is that if all kids weren't invited then you shouldn't have attended. The message was that you can leave out your half sisters and you and DH are ok with it. It will continue to happen.

I realize that he has two sets of kids...but he has to protect all of them..the littles are that..little girls. The fact that their older sibling excluded them from a major life event (for what ever reason) will have an impact on them. DH needs to man up and deal with it.

Just accept the fact that your SD has no interest in your children. Her decision. Doesn't matter if she's justified or just a selfish POS. All this blathering about "why" she did it is irrelevant.

Now it's time for you to make your decision to protect your children from someone who doesn't give a shit about them. Just write her off. You do not have to make a big announcement or convince your DH of why his daughter is of no use to you - you just don't engage with her on any level other than a civil greeting if your paths cross.

Why keep someone in your life who brings nothing positive?

I've got a few thoughts after reading the update (and having read the original).

Several have commented that perhaps the children who were present were the children of those in the wedding party. I always thought that the father who walked the daughter down the aisle and stood at the chuppah was part of the wedding party. Dad wasn't a guest at the wedding; he was part of the wedding party.

If you want a no children wedding, it's your choice. To have other children there and exclude your half sisters makes a point that will last. My SD and SIL skipped my son's big day to attend the local air show. I won't forget. Neither will son who drove 5 hours to attend their wedding. Neither will DH who fielded numerous questions asking about SD and SIL that day.

At SD's wedding I got the correct seating, corsage... Wedding guests didn't know that SD told me they only wanted members of the wedding party there when pictures were taken, so when the wedding party went to have pictures taken, I didn't.

Did anyone ask that day about your children? What did you tell them?

From your original thread I remember reading that SD and SS told Dh they had made a pact not to invite your DD's to their weddings because they weren't "close." Sd lied about the children, lied about the budget, and lied about the "whole family" being there. You were probably invited because DH would have refused to come otherwise. you were not included in the "real" family pic that will likely be displayed on her wall. I doubt any of the ones with you in it will even be printed.

Your DD's should know that their big sister who they look up to and love so much, purposefully excluded them from her wedding and does not love them or even like them very much. Even at the ages of 8 & 11 they are old enough to know to know when they are being left out. Show them wedding pictures and after seeing the dozen other kids there they'll figure it out on their own. Be honest with them, they deserve to know the truth so that they can decide how much they want SD in their lives. How sad for your DD's to be in a one way relationship w/a sibling that cares so little for them. They'll be hurt yes, but it will save them years of pain down the road.

Dh was a fool for going along w/this egregious exclusion of 2 of his children. Both of you lied to your DD's and supported SD's fantasy that she is DH's only daughter. This can't help affect the dynamic between everyone going forward. SD has very publicly shown her true feelings and clearly established who she considers to be her family. DD's are not included. I would apologize to DD's, tell them the truth and "disengage with love" from SD and SS. DH may pitch a fit but how can you as a mother lie to your own children and be supportive of SD's two faced version of reality. Your dd's deserve better.

I am going to ask you a question and I mean no offense? Do you think your SD and SS are "ashamed" of their dad's new family? Are you much younger than he is? Did you relationship begin before their parent's marriage ended? It just seems really strange to me, given that there were children there, that they weren't included.

If he did hesitate when asked to walk his children down the aisle, I promise you that would have been a real issue for your SD and SS.

I am guessing that they knew that if they didn't include you, their dad, would be, at a minimum unhappy and at the worst might not come. So you are in. I will say that, in my opinion, she went above and beyond in how she included you the day of, so I am thinking my speculation is wrong.

I wish more people would speak to the long term consequences of these exclusionary type weddings. And, right or wrong, there is no doubt half-sibs were excluded. Because, the point I think that needs to be made is that whether you hate your SM or not and don't want to invite her, or whether you don't want to invite your half-sibs or step-sibs, life probably isn't going to go back your "normal" after SM, Sdad, step-kids or half-sibs have been excluded, and money really has nothing to do with it either way.

Unfortunately, for many of these events, as OP stated above is true: "so many little things happened at this wedding to make it clear to me that none of the skids actually consider our daughters (or me probably) "family". It really is all pretend for DH."

So, it is your special day and you can invite whomever you want, fine. In the past, weddings were about joining two families together and creating bonds with families, religion, etc. Part of the issue is that nowadays weddings are seen just as the bride and groom's thing, where they are having a big, ol' party to celebrate their marriage in whatever fashion they want. Goth wedding, okay; getting married in a horse barn, okay. It is all about the party and the focus being on the bride (mostly) and groom. So, the saying now is that "you can do whatever you want on your special day" and include or exclude whomever you want.

So, SM is excluded or treated extremely rudely and/or half-sibs and/or step-sibs, etc. How do you think your dad will feel about that? You think you are the only one who can pretend? Maybe your dad is royally pissed and maybe not, but do you know which or do you even care?

SM is dad's wife and half-sibs are dad's kids. Do you think you are going to improve your relationship with your father by not inviting or disrespecting his wife and children? To say "probably not" is an understatement. Dad, more than likely, isn't going to want to go any of your functions in the future minus his wife and kids. Would you want to go to functions where your spouse was going to be treated poorly or ignored? Again, probably no. SO, SM and half-sibs are not going to want to go these events, and why in the hell should they, so dad isn't going to want to go either, = less time with dad, = poorer relationship with dad or maybe even zero relationship with dad.

SO, go ahead and invite whomever you want. Exclude whomever you want. Do whatever you want. Wear a black wedding dress, have your wedding guests stepping on horse shat for your barn wedding etc., but don't you dare think for one moment that you haven't just screwed yourself and minimized your relationship with certain family members, and there is a high probability one of those certain family members is going to be dear dad.

Fair play to you for being so classy but I would have pointed out the kids table and said to dh ' I thought you said no kids'
You are now officially not 'close' to sd or 'family' nor are your children so act accordingly. Though honestly I am such a mule I prob wouldn't go
If and when she has kids no presents from you and no babysitting - all on your husband and if it doesn't get done tough cause your not close not family

And I would tell your daughters in language they can understand exactly what has gone down
Also if and when your daughters get married, skids are not invited - if it's good for the goose it's good for the gander

The person I am most disappointed in however was your husband - to accept the exclusion of his children.

I can't believe you people are all still bantering over this. The SD does not care for her step sisters. Why debate they why of it? It doesn't matter if they are brats or she's a bitch, or neither or both.

When one is faced with a fact just accept it. SD DID NOT WANT her stepsisters at her wedding.

Just quit expecting any love, caring, and kindness from the SD to her step-sisters. Actually it can be quite liberating to stop the charade. Move along with reality.

youre lucky. sd in my case is having her father pay for everything while fiances family pays for nothing. of course when dh is an ass she backs him up because he holds the purse strings.

nothing is too good for this spoiled brat. wedding is at the end of seprtember and i cant wait to see her stuff herself in to her spaghetti strap wedding dress with all those rolls of flesh hanging over.

Yep, invite whomever you want or exclude whomever you want, but realize you just probably screwed yourself and minimized your relationship with certain family members, and there is a probability one of those certain family members is going to be dad. Dad is dad, and he is not an extension of your mother, the BM who probably had a lot say in your wedding plans while dad had none. Dad, more than likely, isn't going to want to go any of your functions in the future minus his wife and kids whom he is with 24/7. Would you want to go to functions where your spouse, love was going to be treated poorly or ignored? SM and half-sibs are not going to want to go these events, and why in the hell should they, so dad isn't going to want to go either.

All this talk about whether it is okay or not. SM vs. SKs. What about dad? Like someone mentioned earlier, it some ways it doesn't matter. Invite or do whatever you want, but you may pay a much higher price later on down the road than the $50 or so it may have cost for a couple of extra wedding dinners.

I did not read all the responses. However, if my minor child(ren) were not invited to the skid's wedding, I would have declined to go as well. I also would have made damn sure that any gift to the wedding couple was taken out of DH's money and not mine or joint money.

My DH's oldest sister (has a different mom) got married 8 years ago. DH and I were living together but not married. DH's daughters liked me and so did DH's family. Except DH's stepmom (his sisters mother).

Long story short. We were invited to the wedding and we went, gladly:-) But this is where it got weird. DH was not included in any of the "family" pictures. Okay, fine. Then we were not seated with the family for the wedding. Ouch! Then came the dinner. We were not seated with the family. We were assigned a table in the corner of the ballroom far away from anyone we knew:-( It was really sad and very hurtful to DH and his daughters. I can take a punch. So can DH. But his daughters? They were confused and hurt. They were 10 and 12 at the time.

Come to find out, DH's stepmom HATES DH and even threw her step granddaughters under the bus, even though she professed to love them SO MUCH! And then to add more drama to the mix, I found out the real reason for the displacement, DH's SM hated me because DH moved on and she was "hopeful" BM and DH would get back together. So she made sure to punish all of us. What a *itch!

Moral of the story, just because you are invited doesn't mean all is well. Maybe your daughters were spared some injustice by NOT being invited. If I could have spared DH's daughters this drama, I would have.

And, the moral of all of this is: It's the bride's special day and she can screw whomever she wants, but in the long run the one she may have screwed the most may wind up being herself.