I feel bad for your daughters.

Yes, technically, your step kids can invite who they want to their weddings but on the human side, I think it's crappy not to invite their siblings. They may not have grown up together but if they recognize their birthdays and go to their events, there is some relationship there.

At the very least, I find it kind of odd that your step daughter had not mentioned to her father, previously, that the girls would not be invited. Had you known, you could have at least kept them from following the wedding on-line and let them down easy, before they got all excited about it.

People will say, "Well, BM and SF are paying for it," and that may be true, but SD saying that they had "gone back and forth about it," says that they could have been included but were deliberately not. I think that says a lot.

I'm with Tommar and Fruit. I feel sorry for your DD'S.

I would not attend either wedding. After all, they aren't close to your DD'S so they aren't close to you. That and well, if I feel hurt and resentment for my kid- I got no reason to have you in my life. Not saying this applies to your DH.

... did MrsZipper want DDs invited

It's too bad that DH, like the majority of us who think of things later that we should have said, didn't say that I thought they'd be invited as both they and you are my children and you and they are siblings.

we're just not that close with them

And she's not that close with dad if she thinks this is an acceptable answer.

I agree with Tommar. The fact that they are half siblings and not just step siblings makes the relationship a little bit more important, in my opinion. I'd be hurt on behalf of my own kids if my SD didn't include them in something big like her wedding day. I'd be inclined to not attend the wedding myself if I were you.

So it isn't meant as a slight to the younger siblings, just a limited guest list and more formal aka adult wedding. Nothing wrong with that.

IMO, SD should have mentioned her guest list struggle and intentions a while back so it was upfront and not come as a surprise. But DH handled the call well. Hopefully her explanation can be accepted as it was meant... as no offense to the younger children and no blatant bold statement against the 'second' family.

An adult wedding with limited guest list should be easy enough for the kids to understand and accept.

I think since it's a black tie wedding it's fine not inviting them. I do think I would have been nice to give a heads up, though. I also cast a stink eye at a person who wants more people invited and doesn't offer to pay.

In the first post, the OP said the stepdaughter is nice to her half sisters and recognizes them on birthdays and holidays. I feel somewhat bad for her for being judged for having the wedding she wanted.

I think it's significant that BOTH skids have decided not to have their half siblings at their weddings.

Tell the bride ...

... that you understand she is not inviting her half-siblings to her wedding because she doesn't think they are close. I would then tell her that that it should also be understood that if the day ever comes where the bride, or her future children, are in desperate need of an organ donation, well .... don't bother asking the half-siblings. Because they really aren't that close, are they? }:)

Lots of experience as my DH has 3 kids and tomorrow is the 3 wedding in 5 years. Weddings are the EL Nino of step families. Alot of bad stuff and feelings surface. My DH had to speak up for me several times throughout all the planning, especially for the girls' weddings which he paid for and the BM tried controlling all over the place. Truth is, there is no right or wrong. It's about how people are valued. Exclusion is the holy grail of Skids--their real anger comes out when the have the opportunity to exclude. As a subtle example, we go to their homes and see NO pictures of us when it seems like they put up photos of the entire free world. Exclusion is their big weapon.They are creating their own version of what they want reality to be. It is not about number of guests or money--please! If you feel in your heart this is something you cannot swallow you will have to confront it either by asking DH to get them invited or maybe not go. If you can go and blow it off, good luck with that. Bottom line, do it on your terms because NO ONE will live with it but you!

I am just sitting here being thankful that my stepsons view my BS as their brother and nothing less...even though he is their 1/2 brother.

I feel bad for the OP's kids and wish it had been just a adult's only deal.

What were your husband's feelings on this?

I think that so far you only know that DDs are not invited to SD's wedding. You only have SD's word that SS's wedding will be the same.

SD says they talked about it and agreed. SD may have talked, but that doesn't mean that it was agreed. SD is not in charge of SS's wedding. SD might be saying this to justify her behavior.

This is where the "it never hurts to ask" hurts.

This is why the simple courtesy of going with the invite AS IT'S PRESENTED is appropriate. Why is it a big deal that children aren't invited to a wedding? Weddings are not to children what they are to adults.

"It never hurts to ask" DOES hurt when the person rude enough to challenge what's on the invite has to be TOLD...again that indeed the people on the invite are invited & the children are not. Now they have to hear it said that their precious children are indeed excluded from the invitation.

"It never hurts to ask" also hurts the person unfortunate enough to receive the rude inquiry, as it creates an uncomfortable & embarrassing situation. It puts the person kind enough to include you in their celebration on the spot & creates an obligation for the couple to explain in more detail who they invited & to justify WHY they invited those they did & not others.

Whether or not other kids are invited makes no difference & it's nobody's business to ask. Maybe there are other kids they have great relationships with. People aren't obligated to justify their guest list to anyone.

If you aren't hosting the event, graciously accept the invited as presented or decline. That's it.

Do your kids even care they aren't being invited or is it just you that cares? If they do care and have had their feelings hurt then to me this is a perfect time to teach your kids that even family can be as*holes sometimes and that just because you are related doesn't mean you are always going to be treated the way that you want.

SDs and SS may have closed ranks and agreed to do the same thing. This has happened to me as a SM of 3 Skids. However, this is only speculation. It boggles my mind that your DH will allow his own 2 kids to be excluded from the wedding. Trust me when I tell you this will bother you for years to come if you don't take a stand by either getting it cleared up with an invitation or not going. If you ask for an invitation for your children and it is flatly denied be ready to stay home. The bride deserves this starvation and let her guests see what she did --a horrible exclusion. I am not usually this pushy with advice but I lived through this kind of behavior and the only way to deal with it is to stand up for what you believe. The bride is entitled to do as she pleases but you and your children also have the right to be respected.

All of this bickering here about whether the bride is "right or wrong" is meaningless. The SD and SS have no connection with their younger sibs and obviously do not give a shit about them. You can wish they did, but they don't. No one likes to see their children hurt, but they are going to find out in life that not everyone likes them.

OP - just face the facts. Your children are meaningless to the skids. Doesn't matter whether they "should" care about them. It just is. You can't change it.

It often works both ways with children from two marriages. Lots of "second family" children have zero desire to have anything to do with the older siblings from a first marriage - especially when they end up making totally different life choices.

OP - it's totally YOUR choice whether or not you have anything to do with these skids. I wouldn't - but that doesn't matter - you get to make your decision yourself. You certainly do NOT have to include them in your family events. I think the skids have made it clear that's what they want.

As for including them in your home, etc. - NEITHER PARTNER gets to dictate that the other partner has to put up with an adult they don't want in their home. It takes TWO yes votes to proceed with an action like that.

I do not want my SS in my home. My DH has absolutely no right to insist that I allow him here. My DH cannot stand my best friend of 50+ years. I have no right to demand that she be allowed here. We both have veto power. But 99% of the time it doesn't take a veto because my DH and I both respect each other and do not want each other to have to put up with a person they don't want to be around.

I think the concept "It's his home too. He can invite anyone over or to stay that he wants" is just complete and utter bullshit. I own my home 100% (not even a mortgage), and it is not community property. But even with all of that I have NO RIGHT to dictate that I can do anything I want here and ignore my DH's desires and welfare. I wouldn't even try that crap with a roommate much less a spouse and life partner.

In the same situation I couldn't attend SD or SS's weddings after they said they didn't invite the DD's because, "they're not that close." I've learned to take a hint; it's taken several decades but when someone tells me they don't want a relationship I believe them. My own older half brother (same father) did not invite me or my other half sister to his wedding, I was 20 at the time and thought we had developed a good relationship...apparently not. It was hurtful to be excluded yet I still tried for years to be a sister to him but continually got snubbed. What a waste of time and all the love and gifts I gave him. Hard lesson learned.

I'd send DH but could not be supportive of SD or SS who thought so little of their relationship with their half siblings. It's nice to know that you won't need to worry about inviting them to anything DD related in the future.

Good riddance.

I'm sorry but sharing dna does not make a relationship. The sd can invite whoever she wants to her wedding.

I think this is the problem a lot of people who do a formal wedding run into: Who to invite? Especially on a limited budget.

My cousins weren't invited to my wedding because there was not enough space but my aunts and uncles were. We grew up together. I didn't do the wedding list, my mom did because she was paying for it. Basically all children of family (grown or otherwise) were not invited--and there was no problem. My parents looked at the wedding as just having representatives from each family. No one had any hard feelings, everyone understood it was representation.

DH's mom paid for a small banquet for their side, which was just both our immediate family and the best man and his wife (this was after the courthouse.) None of DH's other family were invited and no hard feeling there either.

One of my friends is running into the same issue, her guest list is capped at 100, her fiance wants ALL of his family to be there, which is 80 people. He's not even close to most of them. She's trying to have him cut his portion down to just those he's actually close with, because now none of their friends could make the invite list. I even asked my friend if I should have DH stay home because I know the guest list is tight and they're not close, we would not be offended at all--she said bring him. But I do sympathize with having to cut people out.

If the SD's and SSs didn't invite the STEPPARENT, then it's a problem. But they do want the stepmom there and I think that's appropriate.

OP - Do you want to go to the wedding? Are there people you'd like to see? Would you be able to have a good time and enjoy yourself? If so - go and have fun.

If not - you have no obligation to attend. The bride won't give a sh*t whether you are there or not.

The bride doesn't have to invite anyone, but on the other hand no one has to accept an invitation either. An invitation is not a command performance. No one has to attend. I've turned down many a wedding invite. Just be sure to RSVP in a timely manner.

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone would just elope? Just the 2 of them run off to an Island somewhere and come back married!

I told SD that if she meets someone that's what she should do. She readily agreed, said it would save everyone money, time and hurt feelings. Then in her next breath she said but Mom would kill me if I did that, I think I'll just stay single!

She just left for Europe and we've been teasing her that she'll meet the love of her life over there. DH said you can get married over there, but you have to bring him back here to live!

Sounds like they just want to invite those who will give them the best return on their investment and excluding family over the potential for more gifts.

Not inviting half sisters is really crappy and I hope your DH isn't contributing anything extra to the wedding.

Once that battle line is drawn.....it's hard to erase it. So much damage done.

Priorities is actually the key word in this situation, IMO.

Bride has no problem including two of BM's long-time friends but not her own half-sisters. Evidently BM's friends were firmly carved on the invite list. There's a priority.

Bride also gives an excuse to her father that she and her brother spent much time going "back and forth" over whether to invite their own half-sisters. Bride chose to discuss this matter at length with her brother, but not her dad. Another priority demonstrated.

Despite acting as though she likes her younger half-siblings (going to recitals, going out to dinner together, conversing with them on the phone, etc.) bride then tells dad he should know how it really is - that she isn't all that close to them. Priority her is to demonstrate untruthful and false behavior.

Bride asks, as if it were an afterthought, if excluding her half-sibs will bother their mother? And will it bother their father.

My opinion is that this whole scenario is probably being driven by BM. She wants to be the queen bee at her daughter's wedding. BM no doubt wants to show off her status while BM sits on the sidelines and will get a vicarious thrill in that, and to dig the knife in deeper, she's encouraged the bride to exclude those "other" kids. The ultimate priority of all kids = their BM.

I'm a COD. When I became an adult, who could sustain my on life style. I began to implement my own set rules that my parents needed to start living by particularly my BM. From the ages 6 to 21, I had to play by my parents rules, I had no choice in their divorce, new children that polluted my life or new marriages. I just went with, My dad and mom (SM), always had to remind to be cordial to my BM and her family.

Maybe your step - children are trying to say to your DH, I want you be part of my life but not your family. I would have been nice if this discussion happened before the wedding invitations went out.

This exact scenario happened to me when my OSD got married 15 years ago and I am still upset that she was so insensitive and rude to exclude her half -brother. She invited 4 or 5 other young kids (cousins) but purposely left out DH and my bio-son.

I called her myself to question the reason and what was going on. I had an OK relationship with her back then (or so I thought). I told her that it is not right to exclude her half brother and we are bringing him. I said he doesn't even need a meal - I will share mine - I don't eat much lol.

She had a special kids menu for her cousins but still excluded my BS from the meals. I thought she was a bitch and I think OP's steps are being nasty to exclude their half siblings. They are immediate family!! They should be included.

I left almost right after the meal too since I was not very happy being there after all.

HRNYC, you've got 43 post out of 200. You seem to be more vested in this wedding and interrelationships in this family than the OP.

Are you, the bride's mother?