Thanks Fruit, I had forgotten about the 16k china.

Hell no. I would continue with my plans for my first and second Thanksgiving. DH optional since he makes plans without consulting you.

I must add that having to eat with BM at Thanksgiving would ruin that holiday for me indefinitely.

What if your already invited to your home friends don't want to go to SD's? Maybe they won't feel comfortable crashing what wasn't meant to be and not original invitation. This is just f'ing rude and inconsiderate of your husband. He didn't consult not only you, he's treating his already invited guest as take for granted tag-along no count extras. The man needs slapped.

Now instead of the invitation to spend a warm comfortable day with good friends, they get to go get crammed into a house with a bunch of strangers... or last minute decline and stay home.

I 'get' the girls being excited and clueless, but they're kids. They are excusable. And yes, you still get to do your Thanksgiving festivities Sunday. But none of that changes your husband pulling a horse's *ss stunt.

Honestly Zipper, there is almost NOTHING on this earth that would induce me to spend a holiday I love with BM. For example, Easter. Easter is my favorite holiday. I love it, and it is special to me. I look forward to hosting the egg dying parties and giant egg hunt next year (if our offer on the farm is approved, crossing fingers).

But even if all my family cancelled on me, like yours did, I would stay home alone rather than attend an Easter party with BM. I also have to say that if I was planning to attend Thanksgiving at a friend's house, and she called to say that she isn't hosting anymore but that her daughter/SD was taking over I'd have to politely decline. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, even if the new hostess called me directly to invite me.

I agree with nobodysbaby, your DH is the problem. He's looking at his own desires over yours, even once you've expressed them.

Edit to add: I 100% disagree with sabotaging the holiday. It's mean-spirited and regardless of what SD has done to you, it's wrong. It's one thing to talk about sabotage - venting can be helpful and I hope that's all that's going on here. But if you actually intend to do something, stay home.

Mrs. Z - you said your DDs were looking forward to going - are you absolutely, unconditionally sure that they are invited? It really sounds like she is planning a very formal dinner.

I'd hate for the message to be conveyed Thursday morning that she really doesn't want children there.

I agree with two viewpoints. Your friends may not want to go to SD'. They were invited to spend the day with you. Just stick to that plan. DH can go to SD's if he wants. You can do your holiday cooking for Thursday and for Sunday have the leftover turkey and some new side dishes.

I would not be comfortable going to someone's house I do not know as a tag along guest.

Your DH is being such a jerk about this. How dare he expect your guests to tag along so SD can show off her china and they can get a peak of BM!!! Please ask him how he would deal with it if the situation was reversed. Would he get all excited about dragging his guests over to your family's house where your ex-husband was one of the dinner guests? I'd tell DH that SD's invitation is too late and it would be rude to rush your guests, expect them to leave early, or expect them to follow you to SD's house.

I think your DH wants to gloat and show off SD's china set - at all costs - even if it means placing his wife, children and guests in an extremely uncomfortable position. The answer is just plain, "No. Maybe next year."

STAY HOME WITH YOUR DD'S!!! Why put yourself through it? What is the reason you are even considering it? I really do not understand you even contemplating it.

I am very pragmatic about the holidays. Or at least I try to be. I engage with those who earn my attention and efforts and write off those who don't. End of story.

Any interface is on my terms or not at all. When we have done the holidays with my ILs our holiday is done in our hotel in a large conference or small banquet room with a large screen TV for the kids on holiday movies, the food is generally catered and individuals can bring their favorite or signature dish. We eat with nice disposable plates and utencils (the plastic durable kind), and clean up happens when I call the front desk to deliver a large wheeled garbage can and everything that individuals have not packed to take home goes in the bin.

We adopt the model used with my ILs because of the historical drama around whose house will host (none of them keep their homes adequately clean and none of their homes are big enough to comfortably host 16-25 people (depending on who is coming). The hotel model is no muss, no arguements, no problems beyond petty crap that is always in play when my ILs gather.

At my parents house.... it is the traditional full meal deal lovingly prepared primarily by my mom with any support she asks for. The holidays at mom and dad's is usually 10 people with the possibility of a couple tag alongs from the GKs or my brother and his wife. I don't mind one or more of the kid's bringing a college friend or two along. That is understandable. My brother on the otherhand has a habbit of inviting one or more of his work minions to our family gatherings which chaps my ass but ..... it is one of those things that only draws a short comment from me then it passes. I don't fly half way across the planet to spend time with one of my brother's employees which I let him know when he drags one of his people along. For some reason he tends to avoid private 1-1 time with anyone else in the family besides his kids and his wife. I think he uses his minions as a deflection to prevent actual meaningful interface.

Yes, I have unresolved issues regarding the relationship between my brother and I since we became adults. For our entire young and young adult lives we were BFFs. Then in his mid 20's (my late 20's and early 30's) he pretty much retracted from the historical family (mom, dad, and me). Generally it is not something I give a lot of thought unless he plays his usual "come visit us" cards. We have visited them several times over the years when we have lived far apart but he and his family have never visited us with the exception of a drop buy visit for a couple of days before they moved overseas. We have flown across the globe to visit with them.

It appears that this TG for you is likely a one off situation not likely to repeat. Enjoy your TG holiday. Both of them.

Well it shouldn't become the new normal because your sister's father in law not have an accident again. So you can appropriately insist on continuing hosting Thanksgiving as you have in the past.

When I read your posts that include your husband, I sense a real longing on his part for a "typical" relationship with his kids. I think I have asked you before, but how often does he meet his adult children just for one on one (or with all of them) time?

Did he spend any time with them over the High Holidays?

I think he is trying hard to hold on to those relationships. Is there a reason that it always has to be on their terms, is there some history that shows that they are willing to walk away from him?

For what it is worth, I still think the lack of inclusion of your kids is one of the biggest WTF moments. He should have said something then.

And I thought I had a beautiful sexy voice. No wonder my dh divorced me.

I would never attend a Thanksgiving celebration with my DH's ex-wife, and it is totally unreasonable that your DH should expect you to do so. I agree - he just wants his way. But I also think there is an over-abundance of ego problems on DH's part. He wants to gloat in front of everyone for different reasons. He wants to have people to tell him what a great, generous guy he is for giving his daughter such a wonderful present. He will be able to give the impression that he is now a big success. He will be able to demonstrate to SD and his ex-wife that HE is in control of you and your children.

It is time to nip this in the bud now not later. Your DH is out of control - with his spending, with his image, and most of all with his respect for you and your children.