What I’ve learned
Sorry I’m new to the forum so don’t know all the abbreviations! This is my first ever post on this subject however I have trawled the internet reading about all the different issues, perspectives, gripes , moans, etc. on many different sites and this post is what I’ve come to conclude so far from my own experience.
My situation - I’ve been with my boyfriend for around 18 months. I am 29 and he is 38. I have no children. This is my first relationship with a man with kids (he has 3 - 2x boys aged 10 and 9 and 1x girl aged 5). He has them over every other weekend. They annoy me and I prefer it when they’re not there. THERE I SAID IT. Do I feel guilty, terrible, a wicked evil stepmother who should be burnt at the stake? Nope. Why? Because I now understand that my feelings are totally natural and normal!
So here’s my two penneth:
“My kids come first” – Childless people who hear this statement from their partner need to run for the hills unless you want a life of martyrdom and utter misery. How hypocritical for a person to seek out a partner for their own fulfilment to then insist that their children’s needs and happiness come first. Surely if that was the case they should have stuck it out in the original relationship with the other bio parent for the sake of the children. Not acceptable. Everyone’s happiness should be insisted on and a balance needs to be struck.
“You knew what you were getting into when you met him” – This cliché is probably the most annoying statement of them all for the childless partner. It implies that they should simply put up with whatever is thrown their way. First of all, you don’t choose who you fall in love with and it just isn’t as simple as that. When a relationship first begins you are blinded by the honeymoon period and intense emotions so that near enough anything is tolerable. Once this settles down is usually when the irritations occur. I personally didn’t know what it would be like as I’d never been with anyone with kids before. It was a case of learning as we went along for both me and my partner.
Resentment and the “Nest Feathering” Instinct – It is a basic, primal instinct for a woman to seek out a partner and create an environment where he will concentrate and devote all his resources entirely to her and their offspring. Yes I know we’re not cavemen any more but deep-rooted instincts are hard to ignore. This unfortunately results in an urge to “shun” the stepkids as you view them as a drain on your partner’s love, finances, etc. The important thing is not to show this resentment to them – it doesn’t matter if you feel it, don’t feel guilty or think you are a bad person! As long as you are nice to stepkids face, that’s all that matters.
Being a Stepparent is No Fun – Lets get this straight. It’s not fun to go to the soft indoor play area on a Saturday afternoon, sit at a mini table and chairs whilst listening to the shrieks of overexcited children. It’s not fun to go to the seaside with three kids moaning that they want an ice-cream and repeating “are we there yet” relentlessly. It’s not fun to watch Frozen 3x over back to back while you do the ironing just to get some peace.
It is fun to go to cocktail bars on a Saturday afternoon followed by lunch and a walk hand-in-hand with your lover. It is fun to go for a candlelit meal and gaze into each others eyes while you order dessert. It is fun to lie on the sofa together watching whatever film you want, undisturbed. Why pretend that this isn’t true? If you have kids / stepkids and you love doing all that kid stuff then that is super for you but this is a reality and again, no need to feel guilty for it.
You Are a Luxury Item! – I once read a post on some website from a man stating that people who don’t have children and are available are a “luxury item”. He gave the example that you wouldn’t buy a luxury car then let your kids climb all over it so why would you let your kids interrupt conversations, take over the TV and generally wreck your relationship? It may sound harsh but it’s a bit like having a CV really – most people want a partner who doesn’t already have kids, it’s a no-brainer. Your status should be acknowledged and not taken for granted.
Remember, your opinion on this subject is totally biased depending on your circumstances – this is very emotive stuff, especially for bio parents to hear. Believe me I have had heated arguments with close friends simply because they were seeing it from the other perspective (i.e. they are a mother no longer with the bio dad, they were a stepchild themselves, they have a niece / nephew in this situation, etc.) All the above stuff made me feel a lot better though, knowing I am not the only one who feels this way (the vast amount of people feel the same) and that you shouldn’t feel bad about it! Thank you for reading
I have just read this and
I have just read this and thought this is me! My partner has 2 boys.. I just agreed with all the points you raised. We have the boys every weekend. EVERY weekend is a drain on my relationship with him. Like you said at the beginning it was great, I was falling in love with him so nothing bothered me. We get married in 4 months and they are doing my head in!
“You knew what you were getting into when you met him" *---- THIS! Yes I knew he had kids but I didn't know what it is to be a step mum. I didn't know how to take being taken for granted and being disrespected in my own home. Cooking food and cleaning up after them constantly with it just being expected is hard work. Emotionally more than anything. If they were my kids...I would know I love them and they love me. I know I don't want them there (all the time) and they would rather I didn't exist.
I totally understand all the points you raised and can totally relate to them.
How does your partner feel about you feeling like this? Mine is very much supportive and knows I need space from the kids at some points over the weekend. Or he will do little jobs round the house. Or tell the kids that they need to acknowledge me lol.
Hi Mikhaila So glad you
Hi Mikhaila
So glad you could relate to my post. I am a great believer that we must not walk on egg shells in our own homes and that boundaries and respect must be present.
I bent over backwards when I was first introduced to his kids, mainly to impress my new boyfriend - I remember playing Lego with his daughter for 2 hours that first day and ended up with a headache from hell! This is not realistic to keep up and when a normal routine sets in is when we start to realise it's no fun.
Fortunately my partner is extremely understanding and has a thick skin, which is very fortunate as I'm not a person who can hold back my thoughts and feelings! Of course I'm sure he would rather me be this Fairytale Stepmum (he is a "Disneyland Dad" type which is another frustration of mine!) but when they are around he totally accepts that I may go and do my own thing like visit my friends, go to the hairdressers / nail salon or whatever. But there is always an open invite if I do want to join them any time. I could definitely not cope if it was any other way.
Sally - Thank you for your
Sally - Thank you for your concern however he has already said he would have kids with me if that's what I want as he appreciates that he cannot take this away from a woman who is much younger than him and who doesn't have kids of her own. I think you may have misunderstood my post - I am happy, I'm just not over the moon when his kids are around, which is infrequent.
Ladyface - I disagree that the honeymoon period is over, I am just realistic about the situation. Being in love doesn't mean you have to be a fool
Claire, Welcome, I hope that
Claire,
Welcome, I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice and perspectives from others who are living the blended family dream.
You have it pretty much nailed as far as the requirements of a successful relationship in a blended family is concerned IMHO.
Just make sure that you tolerate nothing less than than your marriage being the priority for both you and your partner if you chose to get papers with this guy. The marriage must be the priority over any spawn involved regardless of their biology.
Spawn are the top responsibility of the relationship but must never take precident over the marriage IMHO of course.
The age difference between you and your partner is the same as that between my bride and I with the differences being that I am the elder in our relationship and there is only one spawn in the picture in our marriage. My bride of 20+ years is the one that brought a spawn to the picture in our marriage. I am 50, nearly 51, and my bride is 39. The Skid is 22. If you did the math, yep, she was 18 and I was 30 when we married.
I love kids but have been predominantly neutral on spawn of my own. Having more spawn would be a major risk to my bride's health and I am not willing to jeopardize her life and health just to for a Rags branded spawn. The skid just about killed my bride as she had a severe case of toxemia/pre eclampsia with her pregnancy with him.
Stick to your guns.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Take a look at the F.A.Q section on the menue for guidance on terms and abbreviation.
Okay, how about "living the
Okay, how about "living the blended family adventure."? Dream or nightmare, it is an adventure of sorts.
Sue - I've lost what point
Sue - I've lost what point you were trying to make amongst all that in-depth explanation. If what you meant is simply that what I posted is not a "be all and end all" get out clause for SM's, then I guess you're right, I agree we must take responsibility for our own actions and choices also. Unfortunately SM's get the shit end of the stick 99% of the time therefore I feel justified in my grievances.
NoAlias - You're welcome, I'm glad you found it helpful
I can really relate to this.
I can really relate to this. I'm a stepmom to 2 kids, a 16 yr old boy & a 10 yr old girl. The boy lives with us, the girl comes every weekend. Oddly enough, the boy is a breeze, my husband is quite strict with the kids & they r both well-bred actually. My issue is with the girl. I'm gonna sound like a total bitch here, but she literally sees me & just won't leave my side...she won't go to the bathroom unless i'm there! She can't sleep alone, i need to sleep beside her. We ride scooters together, play on monkey bars together...everything. Needless to say her mom always has her dumped at her really old grandma, never studies with her, plays with her, always screams & recently bruised her. My husband & i bathe her,i dress her hair & dry it & i cook her favorite meals & she considers me her best friend. I've been married for 6 months now....it's becoming too much having to be forced to listen intently to every story she has & play with her 24/7 on MY weekend. Her dad is usually "sitting" with us...on his laptop totally focused on fb or whatever hell while i entertain her via word games, board games, card games. I am tired of having her tag along anywhere, wanting to listen to everything, wanting my attention 24/7...the thing is, she has no friends at all, she is a closed insecure little girl with a mom who couldn't care less about her, she rarely opens up to people so it's amazing that she's attached like that. I even study for her. I don't have kids of my own & although i thought i wanted to, after seeing this cycle of endless responsibilities..i'll pass definitely! Nothing is worth this constant life-sucking feeling....i now go to the bathroom to be able to check my mobile or email or fb.....of course i cannot deny i love having her genuinely hug & kiss me & write me lovely notes & play with my hair & all that cute stuff....but i also need some space...i understand that this clinginess is coming from having nobody to play with or talk to or take care of her all week...but i told my husband from the very first day "i'm not a mom & i don't wanna be...ever"i pity how torn up she is, she is scared shitless from her mom & tells me anything knowing i will never hurt her..i love her & i mean it...but having her over means both my husband & i need to accommodate all our lives 2 cater to what she needs. It's very very hard. Now her mom decided to just travel for 10 days & dump her in our home, not considering her school, the bus does not pass by where we live, or the fact that we both have full time jobs..she does this to screw up our lives..she's very vindictive & bitter......last night we spent it figuring out day by day who does what...honestly...my concern isn't the carpooling or even my job...it's having to come home & spend the remaining hours till i sleep entertaining her in whatever way she wants...i cannot put on the tolerant pretty smiling face forever & i can't afford to blow up in her face...i'll lose her forever...i spoke to my husband calmly this morning explaining how i can't have her follow me around our tiny kitchen...she will get hurt & i don't wanna get distracted & spices aren't a toy....also, i told him that if he was told to tolerate stories & card games for 4 hours straight as her own bio father he wouldn't take it...i told him that the difference with my own kid is that , like him, i can afford to blow up once in a while & force the kid to back off, then say "sorry"....i can't do that with stepkids.....this is the first time i'm seeking support as a stepmom...the good thing is that i have a very loving devoted partner who understands that i go to the gym everyday & have a life of my own, i hike & meet my friends as much as i want...but lately i have this horrible guilty feeling everytime i decide to take off anywhere...and although he tries to pull the girl from me...she starts crying & i can't stand having her resent me...she's playing well with that point. I do feel taken advantage of sometimes..of course i am doing my best providing both with love & care because i love my husband like there's no tomorrow & he is a man worth the effort & i actually feel sorry for the kids knowing their mom.....my mom was my best friend & still is....so i can understand that the girl is looking for someone who cares about her to cling to...she even made me write on her arm & mine promising her to never ever leave her dad...she won't do anything without me & it's very sweet...but sometimes it's too much. I'm going to need to learn how to very gently say no this week....i'm just scared to hurt both her feelings & my husband's...his ex is ruining his life as it is...he doesn't need drama from me.....
i decided to print out color sheets, word searches & puzzles to distract her on her own while i get things done around the house or just lay still for a bit.....i hope these 10 days pass with no issues....i don't wanna relay the wrong msg...but my husband needs to know that i can't do this forever....he needs to know that no matter how hard i try to please her, they will always, always love their mom..no matter how horrible she is...that's why i'm not competing with her..i'm just trying to do the right thing as much as i can.