OT - Support isn’t always positive.
I know I’m not the only one who finds this annoying. How many people come here wanting “support” when really it’s “make me feel better.” I know there is a very good chance I’ve been guilty of this but I do find there are some repeat offenders. Maybe not so much this site but I’m also a part of a lot of Facebook based support groups for all sorts of topics.
I HATE the person who comes up and their wrong. It’s that simple. They come in asking for someone else opinion and when told anything “negative” the double down and get butthurt for no better word. They then want to cry about how they aren’t being supportive and they just want to vent.
Well venting is fine but your posting to a public forum. Not everyone’s going to agree with you. Some people are even going to be mean about it but here’s the thing. Sometimes support is being told your wrong.
I don’t know how many times someone has told me something that at first I was upset about but once I stepped away and actually considered the statements I found that they were correct. I’ve learned MANY things here that I’ve taken away and used to improve my behavior as a future stepmom. How I interact with my partner, the kids, and indirectly his BM.
My thing is venting is great but be open to advice on what can actually help you. Either way don’t get up in arms. If you don’t want help then ignore it but what I am really starting to hate is people who take down their post then blast everyone who dared say anything other than “oh you poor thing, your %100 right.”
Done now. Thank you for letting me rant.
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Challenging someone can
Challenging someone can sometimes be a very positive way of helping. But it's sometimes hard to hear, particularly, so I've found, for millenial snowflakes, and people with narcissistic tendencies.
I've just had an internet "friendship" come to an end because I was always supporting the woman (on another forum), people made a lot of homophobic remarks - she is a lesbian. This went on for about 3/4 years - I ALWAYS had her back. But then one time, I had a different view to her on something. I felt my world view was a lot broader than her narrow experience on this particular issue. I didn't even challenge her very hard - just stated my view and the reasons for it, which was different to hers. She took umbrage and I haven't heard from her again. Too bad. I don't chase people.
I agree. I found a divorce
I agree. I found a divorce support site when my ex left. The advice I got from those people still stays with me until this day. I was wrong or I had to change my way of thinking or I would never have got to where I am today.
If you want a pity party online head it up "Warning: Pity Party Ahead - just need to get this out"
LOL, I know ...I think to
LOL, I know :)...I think to myself that yes, they are just looking for validation and not looking at their situation through anything but hurt. Maybe their maturity level is not to the place that they can accept hard truths without seeing them as recriminations instead of the real support they so desire. Maybe they are comfortable in the hurt and really don't want help but only want to create drama and be the star of their own show.
Either way, it is a shame and hopefully one day their own personal growth will allow them to see the view that a better perspective allows
I find it annoying as well.
I find it annoying as well. I am very cognizant that some people are more sensitive to advice than others, so when I provide constructive criticism I try to do so fairly and in a rational manner.
As you say, some of these people really don't want advice. They want a shoulder to cry on, complete validation, whatever ...
The thing that's most annoying to me is the time that is WASTED by so many of us offering well thought-out words of wisdom and advice, only to have the poster never respond.
If the responses aren't what they want to hear then they disappear.
Or what I've seen a lot is
Or what I've seen a lot is the delete the whole thing then blast out that they were 'attached' when they just wanted support.
They then get a TON of sympathy from anyone who hadn't seen the real post, sometimes even sucking moderators / admit into it all so that they go and post the whole "THIS IS A SUPPORT GROUP / BE NICE OR ELSE."
If you present evidence of what they did they delete again can cry about how people just wont leave them alone and they are just having a hard time.
I'm sorry I don't play the pity me game. If your going to sit there and cry that someone what mean to you than you need to present evidence that shows there comments were attacking like you say and not just something you didn't want to here.
I'll be honest that most of this frustration is coming from Facebook right now but I feel it's something we see here too.
Kind of off BUT I'm guessing
Kind of off BUT I'm guessing they just set the TV on a stand?
Seriously who does this with kids? All of ours are pretty much bolted down 20 different ways. I've seen my cats jump right at the things and it bearably wiggled because it's going to happen. They are so thin now that a simple breeze can send them falling.
This isn't just on the kids. It's sort of poor parenting. Part of parenting isn't just telling a kid what to do. It's understanding what a kid is going to do. A young child is going to touch the TV. That's it, just a fact of life. You can try to say something different or realize they are going to touch it and blot that puppy down. I'm not saying don't slap their little hand or put them in time out when they touch it but you can also save yourself alot of time and money by just bolting it down in the first place.
Half of being a parent of any type is being preemptive to avoid situations. If you know your kid starts screaming and needs a nap around 2 PM you don't plan a shopping trip at 2 PM unless you absolutely need to.
But tell someone this and oh my god your the bad guy. You're not SUPPORTING them and the issue is the kids touched it not that it wasn't bolted down.
I am the most confused by
I am the most confused by people who come on here and describe their husbands as total jerks and their life as total misery. But if anyone says anythinh they immediately reply that their DHs are loves of their lives and the most wonderful men needed to be worshipped? Then why do they post on here describing their DHs as total a$$holes if they are so great!!!!
I think many people confuse
I think many people confuse support for validation, and get offended when they don't get the validation, claiming people are unsupportive.
Also... many people confuse calling someone an idiot with giving a hard truth.
Give me your perspective, but don't call me an idiot because mine is different.
Disagree with me, but don't call me stupid because your thoughts differ than mine.
Secret hits the nail on the
Secret hits the nail on the head.
Disagreeing with someone is one thing. The nasty, smug tone that some "truth say-ers" employ borders on bullying.
People get lazy. It's part
People get lazy. It's part of the human condition, but it infects everything!
From posters:
Posting here about a situation that makes the OP miserable, but genuinely unable to see where their agency lies.
Posting about a situation that makes them miserable but unable to admit that other players will have to be confronted to find a solution.
Seeing a single, panic-inducing and way-too-scary way out, and staying in the complain-avoid-defend cycle.
Taking comments as a personal attack or explaining how every commenter just doesn't understand - without actually explaining more.
From commenters:
Not commenting at all even if your heart reaches out to the OP.
Making the effort to be kind even in frustration. Assigning blame or name calling is easier, but definitely distorts the message.
This forum setup:
This forum is not really designed for good collaboration. It would be great if we could ask questions that could be automatically added under the post to help clarify a situation, or index (and keep forever!!) particular posts or comments, tagged by situation.
I feel ya here. Venting is
I feel ya here.
Venting is fine, but again, in a public forum, you will find people are going to try to offer you advice about how to not get so frustrated with your situation and that may even include telling you what part of the problem you, yourself might be contributing.
I also love the posts where 98.7 of the people are telling the poster that they are being too controlling or that they are causing the problem themselves and then they latch on to the one response that is vaguely agreeing with their viewpoint. "THANK YOU.. you see where I am right". When it's like ..."nnoooooo... you are wrong... 10 different people just posted why you are wrong.. but one person agrees with you? sheesh" And then the go on with the "people are picking on me" line of posts.
Underneath it all, I think that the majority of people on here try to be helpful and supportive. Unfortunately, to get the best support, we should all be open to other viewpoints and advice. Sometimes it's delivered harshly, and sometimes it is a bit extreme... but generally people are trying to help. But, yeah, many it's just for attention and "attagirls"
ME too!! Also, I have a
ME too!!
Also, I have a friend who plays the "the sky is falling' game on FB as noted above.
I finally removed her. NOW that I do not play that FB game with her, she does it that via text. She has tons of pretend FB friends rushing to her aid.....SHE never thanks them and seldom responds---she disappears from FB land after she reports THE SKY IS FALLING what can I do...posts
I don't respond to that anymore....
DFTT, this is so true. When I
DFTT, this is so true. When I post issues, I read all of the comments, good and bad, but do not get upset.
Things I try to remember, regardless of comments being negative or positive:
1) People are commenting on what was WRITTEN. Incomplete info means less chance of receiving helpful, PERTINENT answers.
2) People ask questions because a) they want to give a better answer, and/or, b) they're nosy.
3) Sometimes it's hard to face the truth of a situation.
4) The advice may not work for my situation. I DON'T HAVE TO FOLLOW IT.
5) Being rude and sh!tty to me speaks volumes. And devalues your opinion.
6) The majority of people here know NOTHING about me personally. ~shrug~
That incomplete info causes
That incomplete info causes ALOT of frustration.
People present one little thing "BM posted THIS on Facebook, we'll get custody now."
Then when they are told that's not enough the start rattling off how HORRIBLE BM is and we just don't know.
EXACTLY we don't and you haven't presented anything that supports your statements. Then they start ranting and raving sharing all this other stuff while still being mad that the one tiny Facebook post really isn't even a drop in the bucket. Advice them on how to present the information in the future and oh the horror.
I recently saw one where a man stated that BM is on ANTIDEPRESSANTS. OMG the horror. She goes to a doctor and gets medication. This person just couldn't understand why everyone was mad at him. He basically stated that anyone on a mental health medication is unfit and should lose their child. Yeah that's reading into it a bit but when you say that's what your taking to the lawyer your WAY off base. He then started including all this other information that we see here that backed his case that he partner should have the children but still couldn't accept that BM having depression was not good enough and his statements had actually been offensive.
Yes, it does. NO, we do NOT
Yes, it does.
NO, we do NOT know "how horrible BM is". Tell us more! And people lose sight of the original issue because they now want to focus on the ocean surrounding that lone fish that is the actual problem.
ANTIDEPRESSANTS?!?!?!?!?! Has HE ever taken meds for anything?
Anxiety? Sorry, you're unfit. Might cry or wet your pants.
Heart meds? Sorry, you're unfit. Might have a heart attack.
Viagra? Sorry, you're unfit. You're obviously overly concerned with the function of your wanker over your children.
Details definitely help. No, we do not need to know name/weight/hair color/shoe size/brand of car insurance. But we do need SOME details. Sort of like a resume... You need to list the pertinent information, but NOT the finite deets.