A good but bad situation - advice?
Hello all! I'm new here but far from new on the blended family life. Husband and I met and began dating 6 years ago at which time he had a daughter from a previous relationship. She was about 18 months when DH and I started dating, however he wanted to take things slow to make sure I was serious and wasn't some floozie who'd jump in and out of his daughter's life. His daughter lived with her mother primarily who was also engaged in a new relationship with a man whom she married and had 2 children of their own with.
DH and I took things a LOT slower. We didn't get married until last year and we are expecting our first child together next month.
The blended family aspect is actually quite positive. BM and I get along great and we all co-parent together quite well (Not that we've never had issues, the big 'custody battle' took place about 3 years ago when things went downhill with communication and getting along. We have all since moved on and get along). We have a somewhat abnormal visitation schedule in which we get SD once a month for 4-5 days (she is home-schooled so flexibility is amazing with scheduling visitation on weekdays) because we live 2 1/2 hours away from each other. SD is also old enough to voice her own opinions on staying extra days/less days if she wants.
When DH and I decided to have a child of our own my ultimate concern was my SD's feelings. She was the 'only child' with us and in a sense we were her 'break' from her siblings at her mother's home. I wanted to have my own child, but still my SD came first and bringing a new child into a 7 year old's life wasn't something I felt needed to be sprung upon without first getting her 'permission'. So it was discussed with her and made sure she would be ok with having a sibling in her dad's home. So that part seems a-ok.
DH and I recently received some not so great news from BM. Her husband is in the navy and they may possibly be stationed in Japan next year. While everyone is very flexible is arranging visitation and working through the costs of it all, I can't help but be really concerned about SD's relationship with her new sibling when or if they do move to Japan. I knew they would not have the 'ideal sibling relationship' but this has me scared that they won't have one at all. Visits would probably only be for a few weeks 2-3 times a year. That just doesn't seem like it would be possible to establish a close sibling relationship, or a relationship at all.
I was wondering if anyone had any advice/ideas on how to promote a long distance sibling relationship? My child will be young during this transition, however I want SD to know and have the opportunity to still feel close to them even though she is so far away. I understand ultimately it will be up to her on how 'close' she wants to feel, but I would also like to have some sort of plan to support her and the relationship if possible.
First of all, I'm just sort
First of all, I'm just sort of surprised to read that you asked SD's permission to have a baby of your own. That seems strange to me. It is not a child's place to decide if she gets a new sibling or not. I would never have thought to get the go-ahead from my SD6 before having my own child. It was something that my DH and I wanted, and that's all that matters.
Before I gave birth to my daughter, I went to a counsellor to ask if there was anything I should do to help ease my SD into being a big sister. The counsellor told me it was not my place to be concerned. She told me I should focus on me and my baby and let my husband worry about his daughter. She told me that I was doing too much for my SD already and that I should take a step back.
I'm going to give you the same advice. It's not your place to worry about SD. Your biological child will grow up not knowing anything other than what it's like to have a sibling who she doesn't see very often. Let your husband worry about your SD.
ETA: Your situation is a lot different than mine. I have a crazy BM who is always on my case. I think the counsellor factored that in when she told me to just focus on my own child. Things seem to be very cordial in your situation so maybe you have more of a place to be involved than I do. The only thing I can think of for long distance relationships between siblings is Skype or Facetime. Or maybe when your child gets older you could have them write letters to each other, since it's always fun for kids to get stuff in the mail.
That is a very unusual
That is a very unusual approach for you to ask for a child's permission to have a baby...I wouldn't do that either. But if that's how your dynamic works, then let it roll. I think though that you are putting too much stress and worry into a situation that can't be helped, and that's not good for your health. It is very admirable of you to want your SD and baby to have a close relationship, but sometimes things just are what they are. You can't predict what the future will bring either...perhaps a few years down the road, BM and SD will move back home again. Things have a way of working out and life goes on
in the meantime, technology is a wonderful thing and I agree that Skype/facetime is your best option.
I have to agree with Teas
I have to agree with Teas here.... I will also say that putting a child in a position to be in control of visitation and whether or not a new member is added to the family is a Lot of pressure and a lot of power to hand to a kid. At 7 years old she doesn't need to put in a place where she has more power than the adults in her life. How unsafe that must feel.
Kids are resilient. Kids are moved, become older siblings, change schools, suffer the normal childhood traumas and grow to be productive adults. Acting like having a sibling is a burden, a trauma, is far more likely to make her feel that she's sacrificing something than if she were simply told, this is life, this is what's happening. Kids aren't supposed to make the decisions for the adults. While I sort of get talking to them about their feelings on oh, a new house, a new car, a new pet, a new sibling.... I simply can't imagine allowing a child to think that they are in control of these adult choices. Giving that status to a child usually goes very badly by the time they become a teen.
I hope this goes smoothly and that everyone continues to get along wonderfully. I also say Skype or similar is a grea tool. Photos or videos of big moments is great. When they're older, sending letters, card, little crafts is always good. But the best thing you can do is manage your expectations. There's a pretty substantial age gap, even if they saw each other every day it's not a given that they'd ever be close. Don't try to force anything and don't treat it to either of them that it's a huge thing. It's what it is and they'll work it out between them.
Kids rebound quick from
Kids rebound quick from change.
But as time goes by you could FaceTime if the time difference isn't horrible opposite for you.
Become a vigilant pen pal with her ~ that teaches her manners while you do it.
I Aldo find it strange to ask SD's opinion on a baby. What if she said No ??
If Daddy were here I would be
If Daddy were here I would be filing in family court that the child not be removed from the city or county where I reside. The needs of his ex's husband or even that of the military do not exceed my need to see my child.
His wife does not HAVE to accompany her husband to Japan. She can wait right here, a role she chose when she married a military guy. Or of course she can go without the kid leaving the kid with Daddy for the duration.
^^^^^ this!! i would never
^^^^^ this!! i would never allow my ex to move WITH my daughter to another state, much less another country. in fact, its in our separation agreement that we have to stay within contiguous counties unless we both agree. I would say that the child stays here, and i would go to court over it.
Yep, I also have a much
Yep, I also have a much younger sibling, I was out of our parents house and in my own apartment in another state by the time he was 3. (And this was before Face Time so it's not like we communicated much except for occasional visits!) We're still close, I don't think it hurt the bond at all.
Don't worry, they'll be fine!!
I guess i should have
I guess i should have stressed my quotations on "Permission". I didn't ask her if we could have a baby, I simply asked her how she would feel and explained to her the changes that would and would not take place. I wanted to give her ample time to soak in the oncoming changes rather than coming to her at 3 months pregnant and saying "Hey! You've got a sibling on the way!" and thus possibly developing jealousy issues because it was 'pushed' on her rather than her given time to sort it all mentally. She was informed of our decision to have a baby and she knew that was going to happen, I just felt it was a better decision to let her know that it was going to happen rather than waiting until it actually did happen. To each their own I suppose.
We are coming to our own agreements on how to handle the move and visitation. If things get ugly again court is always an option, however the last time (Which was actually the first time) DH took her to court it was to petition her moving 5-6 hours away to be with her husband because he was being stationed there. The judge ruled it was ok for her to move since it was to keep her family intact since they had children together. Since SD was so young the judge felt it wasn't best for her to travel so much so DH was only alotted one weekend a month and then the typical holiday/summer vacation visitation. It was a real sour situation that didn't benefit DH in the least so he is quite nervous on if he'd even have a chance in court petitioning them moving.
Either way, DH and BM both agree it is best to try and come to an agreement together first rather than jumping straight into the courts.
I understand my child and SD wouldn't have the ideal sibling relationship either way since she does not live with us primarily and would not see them on a regular basis, but it just shook me up that if they do move out of country and we only see her 2-3 times a year that would demolish any possibility of a sibling relationship. I like the penpal idea, and we have always agreed to being open to Skyping and emailing. And you're right, this isn't something that will last forever. They might be back in the states within 2-3 years.
I'm probably just letting my "About to pop and have this baby" hormonal rage put me over the edge on this matter. I care deeply about SD and while some people may feel that she's not "mine to worry about", it's kind of hard to not worry about her as if she were my own when I have been around her and been parenting her since she was 3. And I think most SPs can agree that it is VERY hard to care and love a child that isn't your own and that you have no true 'control' over. It's been 5 years and I'm still adjusting through the emotions. I was honestly just looking forward to her having a bond with my child and watching them grow together. Reality is reality though, thankfully technology might can assist in long distance. And as some of you have said, the bond may not even be tainted, it can still come out strong :]