Stepdaughters
I cannot believe how many stepdaughters out there treat their stepmothers so badly. I've read so many of these posts and am amazed at how horrible SDs can be and would not be proud of my daughters if they were like that. I truly feel sorry for all of you and commend you for disengaging.
I have 4 adult daughters (ages 22-30)and I have no doubt they treat their father's new wife with the utmost respect and kindness. My ex wasn't around much (liked work better than home and is now married to an old co-worker), but none of my daughters were what you would call "Daddy's Girls", so the whole entitled princess thing...I don't get. Although I found out after our divorce that their father and his now wife had a 6 year affair while we were still married, I have NEVER said a bad word about her to my daughters. I don't understand women who sleep with married men, but the blame for cheating, IMO, laid with my ex. It was HIS choice to cheat and break up our family. My girls blame noone and have good relationships with me and their father. I admit, it was hard once to read on my DD22's twitter feed that "Lunches with SM are the best!" I felt sad. This woman probably has just befriended my daughters as the youngest was 15 at the time of the divorce, so took no part in raising them. Unfortunately, I married a man who my daughters don't think much of which has caused problems with my daughters and myself. But, that's another story.
I guess I might be able to understand a daughter's hurt towards a woman her father cheated with that did partially cause the breakup of her parents' marriage, but don't understand it when the woman came along much later.
It helps that my ex and I do not communicate nor do I talk about him or his wife at all to my children and let them know that my life is none of their father's business, so no need to discuss anything about ME to HIM. My ex and I do not exist in each other's new worlds. It's nice. I feel for all of you who don't have the peace with your SDs that my ex's wife does.
See, that's the difference.
See, that's the difference. You're a NORMAL BM! You don't exist to make the SM's and your ex's life Hell. You don't feel threatened by the presence of a SM; you're secure in your place as your daughters' mother.
It's nice that your DDs consider their SM a friend. I would've loved for my son to have another adult in his life who treated him well. I encouraged a relationship between my BS (now 18) and his former SM until I found out she was abusing him. So many BMs don't realize how good they've got it. I wish more BMs could accept our presence in their kids' lives, and realize that the vast majority of us just want what's best for the kids.
Normal?? I don't know about
Normal?? I don't know about THAT, but thanks! It may have helped that our DDs were basically grown when we divorced and the fact that I just put my ex in my past and left him there that helped. And, yes...I AM secure as their mother because their father's new wife was NEVER a mother to them. (Honestly, these days, due to some problems with our DD22 and college finances, I wish a hole would open up and swallow him whole, but nothing will ever be said.)
Anyway, my ex was very mentally and emotionally abusive to me and, actually, my DDs would have respected me more had I left him years before HE ended the marriage. However, he is a good father, but just wasn't a good husband...at least to me. I think seeing him happy with his new wife makes my girls happy because HE'S happy. He was so unhappy the last few years of our marriage that he was a depressed, angry man which my girls remember. I was raised to know divorce was NOT an option, and, being the "glass half full" person that I am, I just kept hoping things would get better. I can understand when kids are young that people DO have to co-parent, but that simply wasn't the case with me and mine. Why would I want any contact with someone who made my life miserable for so many years? I don't! And, the fact our daughters are adults gives us that freedom to not exist to each other.
DD28 is getting married in October and am I looking foward to seeing my ex again (it's been 4 years since we last saw each other at our DD22's graduation reception and did not speak or go near each other then either.)? NO. Seeing him brings back too many bad memories of the horrible things he said to me during the divorce. (One can forgive, but one never forgets.) I have no doubt my DD28 ,knowing how her mother feels, will respect that and make sure everyone is comfortable (meaning separate tables, etc...) I actually feel rather bad for her. It certainly was never how I saw my DDs' weddings to be, but it is what it is. We will all smile and make her day the best day for HER.
I am the same as far as
I am the same as far as thinking. I witness both sides. I was the mom of two daughters who allowed my children to love and accept their stepmom and we all have a good relationship. there has been no disrespect. They consider for big events and include as grandmother to their children even though she and my husband are now divorced.
On the flip side my husband ex would not allow the boys (my SSs) to love and accept me. Husband had full custody of the boys and I think this was part of her revenge. The boys hardly have a relationship with their father and they have no relationship with me. They sought the very person that abandoned them at age 2 & 4, their bio mom, a very selfish control woman who stopped at nothing to try to ruin the relationship her sons could have with their father or I.
Im a normal SD with a normal
Im a normal SD with a normal BM who encouraged me to be kind to my SM, not that I thought to do any different. And my SM is kind back, so it is a win-win.
BM in my case is insecure. She lives through her daughters lives, wanting what they had/have when they are with DH. She is too lazy and selfish and cheap to give them what she wants them to have, but expects DH to give it to them. And when he stopped doing that (partially bc of me) then she turned the skids against me and DH.
In my case- my skids have bad manners. They dont have the same moral compass as I do. They are very entitled. These are all things I could have adjusted to or worked on with them.
But what it really came down to was BM put them in a status of Daddddyyy's #1 and so that is what they thought they were. But not because she thinks that highly of her kids but because she wants DH to give the kids stuff and then she wants to take it. If that makes sense? She expects DH to do for them as if they all lived together still and he was her husband. As usual, she does nothing while DH does everything.
When I changed that plan that is when shit hit the fan. But the girl skids were old enough to know better. But for them it was a lot funner to sit around together and stir the pot. They REALLY bonded over their "hate" for me. Seriously I have seen how it has brought all of them closer together. Common enemy. Common hate. Something in common. Very sad.
As much as BMs cause
As much as BMs cause problems, I only WISH my dh's ex would play a bigger part of in her sons' lives! I've had to endure going through all 3 of dh's sons drug addictions and have had to watch the effect it's had on my dh. His ex became mentally ill in her late 20's, so dh divorced her and got custody of the kids (1997). She moved back in with her parents in another state and hasn't played much of a part of their lives since. Anyway, you BET I've had my say to dh's sons and THEY have to deal with it because they know dh is all they have...no mommy to go crying to. My own DD28 said once to me, "Addiction is an illness, MOM. Don't you understand that??" and then called me the Evil Stepmother. ( I said..."Whatever...if the shoe fits." Let HER have lived my life in a family of mental illness (as my counselor said)).
Well...I don't consider myself dh's sons' stepmother. They were 16, 26 and 27 when we met and they are nothing like my daughters, however with all of their problems, they have NEVER spoken to me as disrespectfully as my children (which is one reason dh doesn't care for my daughters), but the drug thing and how it effected my beloved dh...I took BIG issue with and told them so! SS31 would then go boo-hooing to his father that "SM said THIS...blah, blah, blah" and then I'D get in trouble with dh! UGH PLUS, at the holidays, our home is the only home THEY have to go to whereas my DDs prefer their father's house (our old marital home)because they have no problem with his wife and HE has the family close by (I don't). So, in MY case, my adult children have actually preferred their father and his family over me which has hurt me deeply. There is no love lost between my dh and my DDs due to their hurtful behavior towards me and the disrespect. So, it is not only SMs who get hurt and disrespected. So do BMs especially when their father has "the family" as well as the $$$. Not all BMs win.
Like you, I met DH years
Like you, I met DH years after he and his ex divorced, but wound up getting the blame for the divorce anyway by people I had never previously met. I have seen BM a total of three times, the last being very hostile toward me and trying to flirt with DH. It is hard to tell if she is just defensive about SD being supposedly ill-treated by me, or for some other reason. Sort of like the question of which came first: the chicken or the egg. Did BM encourage SD to be the entitled, sadistic, sick person, or did BM react to SD's lies? Somewhere along the line either SD or BM decided, without knowing me, that I was a bad person - even to the point of perpetuating lies to make themselves feel and look better.
When SD became an adult she would elicit 'help' from friends or her husband to play abusive games and treat me like crap. It's hard to believe she had not learned this from someone else. Not wasting more time to analyze, but SD has and is missing out on a lot now.
On the other hand, I never bad-mouthed my ex or his wife (whom he had an affair with while we were married) to the kids and encouraged them to respect both of them. When they grew into adults they could form their own opinions.
I am a SD n a FSM. My mother
I am a SD n a FSM.
My mother before she passed away spoke with n insisted I respect my fathers wife if he was to ever remarry. And I did just that ~ she isn't n won't ever be my mother. My mother raised me ~ my Dad's wife is just that. I am not saying this in a selfish manner ~ just facts I was 26 when my mom passed away.
I have been in my DF's life for the last past 5 years. BM's beef with me is twofold. I dated my DF before I was married we had a wonderful relationship. It ended because I went to college n never returned home. While I was gone DF & I would chat every once in a while. I lived over 200 miles away from her. I called n she took the phone n laced into me. I didn't know they were dating ~ obviously there was more to her anger.
When DF got together this time around ~ she remembered me from the past. It was 4 years after they were divorced. I guess all her past anger flushed in. DF should never have married her. He didn't love her but he was trying to give his daughter a life with 2 parents together.
After I left for college ~ ( back in the day) he was dating a lot of girls. He had a herum ( lol funny cause I can't picture him like that). He n BM had major trust issues ~ he never cheated on her but obviously she feels differently.
The hatred the two of them harbor for each other has affected SD. She now has hatred for me through BM calling me gf de jour. I must be a long de jour - almost 5 years.
If people could just separate the real issues ~ sure you can dislike your ex tremendously but never in front of the kids. Let the kids be delussional as kids n figure out what their parents really are all by themselves.
My DF is a good father n he is a great man to me. Just cause he sucked with BM doesn't make him a bad guy ~ he just didn't love her n never will. DF even told her to her face ~ I don't love you n I never will but that stupid ass married him anyway. I would never marry a mzn who said that to me. DF & I have an awesome life together. Sometimes the square peg doesn't fit the round whole.
with my two sds it is
with my two sds it is divided. bm cheated with an old lover and divorced dh to marry him. 20 yrs later second husband cheats on bm. (the karma truck hit her.) one sd cant stand ex stepfather while the other calls him all the time and borrows his truck. go figure. if my father cheated on my mother i would have a hard time even talkingto him.
I agree, SugarSpice. Had my
I agree, SugarSpice. Had my father cheated on my mother, I, too, would have had a hard time having any respect for him or maintaining a relationship. I was raised Catholic and marriage is a sacrament, NOT a piece of paper (as today's society believes). My ex, however, convinced my daughters that he DIDN'T have an affair. He was smarter than most men and was VERY discreet. My divorce lawyer told me that after what she heard from me that there most likely was another woman, but that my ex would bring her out of the woodwork after an appropriate amount of time had passed. He did and then married her 9 months later. I know the truth, but my daughters believe their father. They also know he's the one who doles out money when they need it, so to have cut him out of their lives would have been the end of any financial support.
adding lying to adultery
adding lying to adultery seems like asking for trouble. in the end it does not matter. people will side with the one they want to.
I have a BM like you, it's
I have a BM like you, it's wonderful. There are other possible culprits though. If if wasn't for my MIL and SDIL, I suspect that problems with skids would have been minimal for me.
I applaud you for not being a
I applaud you for not being a toxic BM. Your daughters benefit from that. I have a question though. Are your DDs aware of the facts regarding the affair, their father's complete lack of character, and his mistress/second wife's culpability?
I would share those facts so that your daughters can be informed and able to protect themselves from their father and SMs complete lack of character. We countered my SS's Sperm Clan's manipulations and lies with facts in an age appropriate manner to give him knowledge so that he could protect himself from their toxic drivel while on Sperm Land visitation.
As he got older he began doing his own research in our extensive Custody/Visitation/Support filing cabinet drawers so that he could learn for himself when they were lying and manipulating.
He is now 22 and is a young man of character and doing well protecting himself from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
Honestly, noone really knew
Honestly, noone really knew whether they were having an affair or not until one day, my youngest (who was 16 at the time) came home and said that one of her best friends went to school with my ex's wife's XDH's niece. When my daughter's friend said she was meeting up at the football game with my daughter, this classmate said, "Oh. My ex-aunt-in-law left my uncle years ago because she was having an affair with John Smith (my ex)." That's how I found out. What my ex told my daughters was that they never had an affair, but that they had known each other as co-workers for 20 years and had been "friends" for 10. Yearight. My daughters bought it all. I never said anything to them about the affair, but my guess is my youngest told her sisters. I just think my daughters' character was not shaped enough by ME, but by my ex's family who value money more than family and morals. Sad, but true. I have no family here, so apparently wasn't as influential as the ex's family was. My daughters are all young bleeding heart liberals who think life is too short to be unhappy, so, if you are, cut your losses and start over. They saw an unhappy mother and thought I should have left their father years ago. That was not the way I was raised. My kids know I never would have put them through a divorce, but that doesn't matter to them. I doubt they care if their father had an affair. He's bailed them out with lawyers, cash, and new cars, so they know not to EVER cut him out of their lives. He isn't a horrible person...he was only horrible to ME. As my DD28 said during the divorce, "He was a good father, but a lousy husband."
It's been 7 years since the divorce and, honestly, he is dead to me as I hope I am to him. No more is said about the affair or anything else. We've both moved on, but I still see ramifications with my kids which is what makes me sad. Our family was destroyed by their father and will never be the same, but since they see him happy and have their own lives now, I think it's ok in their eyes. Does that make me sad? Of course it does because it DOESN'T say much good about my daughters' characters and morals. Recently, I said to my DD30 that who believes in what her father did, I said, "Well, here's the good news for you, darling. Eventually, I'll die off and you won't have to hear me spout my 1950's morals and values to you." She shut up. lol
I don't think that informing
I don't think that informing your daughters of their Dad's indiscretions because what happened was between you and him, and it is important that they be allowed to have a good relationship with their Dad and SM.
I know how hard it is to not tell the kids things, but their relationship is separate from our relationship with the ex. I've never told my daughter of the things her Dad did to me, but because of that she has an excellent relationship with him. Just because he was a jerk to me doesn't mean he can't be a great dad.
If this guy is so bad and it's part of his character, the daughters will figure it out on their own -- without anybody's help.
I read your post yesterday and found is so refreshing. Kids should not be told any of the adult things that happened between parents. That should always remain between the two individuals. If more people did what you have done, kids would feel more free to have a relationship with both parents, and their next partners.
My ex and I have done that our whole separation -- not bad mouthed the other to my daughter. Because of that, she has been well adjusted, has a great relationship with her Dad (which is super important), and has a great relationship with me.
I read an article one day about this woman (now grown) knew that her Dad didn't pay child support, and that was why it was so difficult for them growing up. Here's the thing -- how did she know this? Yep, her Mom probably told her. She shouldn't have done that. Now it does effect the relationship with her Dad and her feelings towards him. Her mother's biased towards the ex now affects the daughter's feelings towards the dad.
It's important to be honest,
It's important to be honest, though, isn't it? What happened was between her ex and the ex's mistress-now-wife. Not between the married couple. And you're absolutely right, a positive relationship with Dad and SM is important.
I think your concern is about boundaries. What happens in adult relationships is not for the child (or adult child) to be concerned with. A play-by-play of the affair is not a good idea. But to pretend it didn't happen is to lie to your kid. A pretty big breach of trust - and not one I'd want to make to promote someone else's relationship with my kid.
Bad-mouthing and truth-telling aren't the same thing. The truth is about facts. Bad-mouthing is about feelings.
I wonder if the kids could
I wonder if the kids could determine for themselves why they were struggling financially. When my ex forgot about Birthdays and Christmas my kids figured it out for themselves. I never had to say a thing. As far as telling them about an affair or bad-mouthing the ex, it's not necessary to give them a play-by-play.
in adulthood the skids will
in adulthood the skids will figure it out how dh never misses a cs payment and how bm committed adultery and left while using all the cs money.
I do not consider facts to be
I do not consider facts to be biased. Facts are facts. Actions or lack of actions cause the facts and those are important.