I'm struggling (just need to vent)
If anyone needs background please see this: http://www.steptalk.org/node/182278
Since I posted initially regarding my current situation there was actually a blow up of sorts a month ago. I actually broke up with my girlfriend and wanted to end the relationship. She was obviously taken by surprise and devastated. After much begging on her part over the course of two days I decided to give more of an effort. I explained to her that it wasn't that I didn't love her...it's just that I lost respect for her. It was a blunt conversation but one that needed to be had. She and her children have essentially become dependent on me. Not completely, but the way I would put it is if she walked out of my door financially I would not be impacted in the slightest. If I walked out of that door they would be devastated. So that's what I really mean by dependent. I told her the reason why I lost respect was because she had become dependent and because of her children's behavior.
Well, yesterday there was a blow up at my home with the (now) 10 year old. She is an extremely clingy child to her mother and she was trying to get something done for the other daughter and she asked SD10 to give her some space for a minute. Well, she completely went off the deep end with a reaction. She started screaming at her mother that she hates her and stormed off to her room. Then the SD8 started getting upset over something. I was extremely irritated by their behavior so I came into the room. My girlfriend asked me to not intervene or say anything so I stepped out out of respect. Everyone was screaming at everyone it seemed and here I was trying to find peace and quiet in my own home. I was so upset by it all that I had turned off access for Netflix and Amazon Prime for the devices in their rooms. In my opinion access to those kinds of things is a privilege. If my boys break any rules depending on the severity I discipline them by taking away privileges. In my view I pay for it all. No one who uses Netflix or Prime in my home has a right to it. Well, when I told my girlfriend after she stepped out of the room that I turned it off she was upset with me. We then proceeded to talk about our differences in private for about an hour. Long story short is that she felt disrespected by me decided to turn off Netflix and Prime because I essentially stepped in on the punishment she decided on (which is FAR too light in my opinion). I wanted to take it away until I see an actual improvement in behavior (however long that takes). She wanted to take it away for an hour. Still in hindsight of our conversation what I did was a form of discipline. I understood her perspective and according to most I don't have a say in discipline. So I reluctantly turned it back on. In our conversation she says we need to come up with an acceptable form of discipline both them. We'll never see eye to eye on that. While I may be hard on my sons at times the way I discipline produces a change. Their behavior, especially with the older one, really hasn't changed in a year.
There's two other elements to all of this. The first issue is that SD10 without question has some kind of mental illness. I know I'm not a doctor but there are times where you meet someone and after spending time with them you know the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. Something's not right with her but it's hard for me to describe. Her mother knows this which is why she's so lenient and gentle with her when she lashes out. In our conversation she was telling me that as a young child she used to do all sorts of painful things to herself. She doesn't do that anymore so obviously her mother sees that she's made great strides. I can understand from that perspective she has but in the year that we've been living together I really don't see much of a change. She was doing all of this screaming and fits and such before they moved in. I guess my girlfriend and her ex-husband had a very bad marriage. SD10 has seen a lot as a result. Still, I wasn't there. I can have a little sympathy for their past but their past is impacting our present. I was telling my girlfriend that we CAN'T walk on eggshells hoping to not set her off. I dealt with that in my 10 year marriage walking on eggshells and I shouldn't have to do that with a child who is not mine. It's frustrating because my girlfriend actually believes the "I'm sorry mommy" routine. She still treats them like they're 5 and 4 instead of 10 and 8.
The other element I'm dealing with on a personal nature, and some will laugh as it sounds so cliche, but I'm going through a midlife crisis for lack of a better term. I'm not buying cars or going out to sleep with other women but personally I'm changing as a human being. I am currently looking at the first 40 years of my life and I'm going through a lot of varying emotions. When I look at my life today I know for a fact that 20 years ago I wouldn't have wanted a life where I'm tens of thousands in debt (because of an ex-wife), in a career I don't like, divorced, and in a relationship with a dependent girlfriend with a mentally ill child. I would have never picked this life 20 years ago but yet I'm here and I want to change all of that. It's all a mix of depression, anxiety, frustration, anger, and regret.
I wrote all of this in an online journal of mine but no one reads that. I guess I feel the need to let someone know how I feel even if I don't know any of you.
You have a lot on your plate
You have a lot on your plate ~ raising skids in a tough duty and not everyone can handle all the damn DRAMA. But your drama in induced by Mom parenting out of guilt. We all try to make up for the short coming with the life out children endure but that enables them to behave like they do.
Your parenting styles are completely on the exact opposite ends of the spectrum. I believe like you do ~ bad behavior requires tough consequences. Kids crave structure n boundaries. Solving one issue at a times is something you need to do.
Example kid is cranky getting up for school in the morning. Maybe bedtime routine needs to be tweaked. Maybe bedtime needs to be changed to an hour earlier.
Maybe discussing with your gf alone that maybe a family meeting discussing that things have to change. Mom & I have discussed that your behavior needs to change if not your privlegies will be taken away. No if ans or butts.
My fiancé & I used to discuss everything together before the punishments were put in place. You two need to stand as a united front.
I think you problem is that she has parented so leinently for so long that the kids will resent you as the change in everything that goes on and she is concerned that she doesn't want the kids to harbor resentment. But tye double edge sword is that if things don't change with her girls. You are only gonna harbor resent for all of them if that hasn't happened yet.
If you care for her ~ call her out on it. Sometimes we all need to be shone how the outside world sees how we are. If she is able to see your issues maybe she'll change ( if she cares). Things left unspoken never have the ability to change.
First off, you not having a
First off, you not having a say in the discipline that goes on in your own house is bullshit. So many of these bio-parents are just completely wrong on this issue. She cannot actually expect you to financially support her kids and then not be able to have any say in how they are punished. You had every right to take away the Netflix and Amazon prime. Those are privileges, not a right.
I know exactly what you mean when you say that you walk on eggshells in your own home. I did this for years, and now that my youngest skid is 24 years old, it only made the problem worse in my opinion. It's like she was the queen, and I was some court jester or something in my own house. Eventually I got tired of it and I started saying something when I felt SD24 was being disrespectful. Of course my DW would try to butt in or tell me to be quiet when the argument got heated, but I refused. It's my house too dammit, and SD24 was going to respect me or get the hell out.
I too am going through a mid-life crisis of sorts, with being in a job I can't stand, and having put up with disrespectful stepdaughters for over 7 years. I would HIGHLY recommend reading a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. When I read it, the first few pages sucked me in because I immediately recognized myself in some of the descriptions. It's a definite "must read" for the majority of males out there.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments.
I appreciate the things you said frustratedstepdad because I think you are coming from a perspective where I feel the same way but haven't even verbally expressed yet. I completely agree that she can't expect me to financially support everyone and enjoy all the privileges that come in living in my home without having a say in how they are punished. Taking away Netflix and Prime was my attempt at having a say. I mean, like you said "It's my house too dammit!" For me, it's literally my house. This isn't a house we got together so there is that challenge of how things have ALWAYS been in my house and now I am having to compromise what I feel is right.
I am currently reading another book on the subject of transitioning to midlife. I love my girlfriend and we have talked about these issues several times over the past month. I don't think she gets it. I broke up with her a month ago and I don't think she understands how fragile our relationship is at the moment. I feel both resentful and responsible all at the same time.
I'm sort of surprised no one
I'm sort of surprised no one has suggested you disengage.
Look, so she's screaming at her mother. So what? Unless she's screaming at YOU then it's honestly none of your business. Your GF has told you that. She does not want your help in parenting. So don't help. You don't discipline, make decisions, or help when they screw up. (Unless you're asked and you actually WANT to help.) Your GF has a very different parenting style than you do. But the very first thing you have to do is tell yourself that she is not wrong. (You will not believe this.) It's not the way you'd do things. You think you would get better results. But unless she's abusing those kids, she's got every right to parent the way SHE thinks is best and she is totally right to do that.
Ultimately though, I don't see you guys lasting. I think you're just too different and this is going to bug you too much. But if you want to give it a shot, I think disengaging is your best chance.
I appreciate your comments.
I appreciate your comments. Please understand that my response to you isn't an argument with your point of view. Just a different perspective.
If I'm being honest I don't think I can disengage because it's a pride thing. This isn't a house we moved into together. This is the home I have lived in for 10 years. This is the home I have maintained, paid for, cried in, laughed in, ect...it the one place in this world that is mine and I feel that if I open my home to anyone there needs to be certain expectations all of which I've expressed in the past. This is my house and in my house no child is to disrespect an adult. That's always been the rule. It actually hurts my feelings when I see my girlfriend treated this way by her children.
You actually said something that I said nearly word for word when I tried to break up with her a month ago. You said that she has every right to parent the way she thinks is best and is totally right to do that. I completely agree with you! I actually said the same thing as one of the reasons why we need to break up. I told her that word for word and said that in the long term feelings of bitterness and resentment are going to build because I have to listen to it. I told her flat out that I'm indifferent toward her children but under this roof they have to behave a certain way. Even yesterday when we were discussing this issue (we never are ugly towards each other) she says she wants to come up with a way that we can both be involved with discipline but ultimately I know that's not going to work. I don't want to discipline really. I simply want to see consequences for bad behavior. I firmly believe that discipline produces a change in behavior.
Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond but I just don't see how I can disengage. My house is the one place I should be able to go to where I have peace and order in a chaotic world. At the end of a long work day I don't like coming to my own home. I fully admit it's a pride thing. The way I see it if I disengage I have given up my home and my sanctuary. That was never the "deal" when she moved in. No child's behavior should ever dictate to me (or anyone in my opinion) how they feel in their own home. I don't have a basement or soundproof room. When the shyte hits the fan I have nowhere to go to escape it.
No worries on arguing with
No worries on arguing with me, that's at least part of the point of the forums - to get and offer different view points.
If everyone agreed, it'd be awful.
I see your point about it being your house - and more to the point, your home. You want a certain quiet, a certain atmosphere to it. Reasonable. Is there any particular reason your GF (and her kids) have to live with you then? What I mean is, is it possible for her to live elsewhere without you guys actually breaking up?
If you do want to continue living together, I think counseling is a must. You guys aren't on the same page here, and you don't seem able to get there by yourselves. Maybe a 3rd party could help with that.
Honestly though? I still don't think this is going to work. One of my "golden rules" when I was dating was that I NEVER dated the same man twice. If you break up, it's for a reason, and getting back together never works. Whatever underlying issue you had is almost always still there and it'll cause breakup #2....
I completely understand how
I completely understand how you wouldn't want to disengage. It seems like that is a great tactic for the females here (including me) but not the males. If I were a stepdad, I would feel like the skids are imposters and that they are invading my territory, especially if it was my house that I lived in for 10 yrs prior to their "invasion!" Sorry for your pain
I appreciate your response
I appreciate your response and perspective.
If I'm being honest I don't think I'm a "better parent". She loves her children dearly. She's not a derelict mother. To be fair over the years I have been too hard on my own sons when it comes to discipline. She might take away a privilege for an hour where I would take it away for a month or at least until the desired change is realized. Since my divorce I have been a little more lenient in terms of how hard I am on my sons. I've changed a little where instead of disciplining bad behavior I am rewarding good behavior. She thinks I've been too hard on my sons. I agree, and I live with certain regrets that I had when I raised them years ago. They are 12 and 11 now. The best I can do is make a personal change during the truly formative years in their life and hope they become better men and better father's than me. So no, the more I think about it I definitely don't think I'm "better". What my rant really had to do with is the frustration that certain behaviors aren't changing and haven't changed in the time they have lived here. What's it going to look like one year, five years, ten years down the road when they become even more assertive and vitriolic with their back talk? That's not a pleasant image.
I feel the whole purpose of discipline is to raise your children in a way where they understand what behaviors are acceptable and what behaviors are not. Discipline is supposed to produce a change and to mold them into becoming productive members of society. If after a year there has been arguably no change in terms of the disrespect and outbursts isn't it safe to say that the method of disciplining is not working? Do you really feel differently? If so, how do you view the role of a parent as they prepare their child for the real world?
Also, I'm not certain if you are being sarcastic in regards to fathers' not parenting their children. If there's one thing I can say in regards to my ex-wife is that we are on the same page in terms of how we raise our boys. Punishments in one home carry over to the other. Maybe that's the difference with me and others?
I honestly see nothing wrong
I honestly see nothing wrong with you expectations.
If we don't discipline our children they will not learn respect for themselves and respect for others. Which actually guides your morals and manners. I am an old school parent ~ my parents brought me up to be able to agree to disagree. What a gift !!!
If parents don't intervene at this young age ~ what are you going to be up against when puberty plays into all the emotional drama.
Hi punkin_punkin, She hasn’t
Hi punkin_punkin,
She hasn’t really needed to intervene for anything with the boys. The closest is if they start bickering with each other while I’m not in the immediate area she’ll ask them to stop and they will. Over the year there have been a few behaviors she’s asked me to correct about them and I have. Minor stuff like properly putting the towel on the towel rack so it dries better or having my son get off the Xbox chat past 8:00 PM on school nights. That’s all reasonable and correctable stuff. These are all things I’ve corrected out of respect for my partner.
I find it amazing that some of the responders here have pointed out things that I said word for word in regards to my break up and why I have been feeling the way I have in this relationship with her and the girls. I want to be fair to her and point out there has been things she’s done for me while in the house. She’s helped spruce it up a bit for sure though I would argue it’s more to make her girls feel comfortable than anything else. That said, I had expressed that I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. I ask her for a very minimal amount of money a month. I don’t need it but there has to be some level of contribution. I don’t ask to have dinner ready or anything like that. I just don’t want the whining, disrespect, drama, and bullshit. I don’t think it’s too much to ask. Yesterday while I was working from home there was a blowup with the youngest one over something stupid. There wasn’t a consequence. Just some talking to calm her down. Did she calm down? Yes, she did but that’s not the point. Everyone eventually calms down. Why does she allow her to behave that way in the first place with no consequence? It’s all a bit maddening because decisions were made early in their lives to raise them a certain way and I just don’t understand the mindset behind it. I’m not suggesting my way of disciplining a child is better but it produces results. If what a parent does doesn’t actually produce a change then what’s the point. I actually said that to her the other day with her last blow up. I said, “I don’t care if you feel an appropriate punishment is tickling her feet and making her laugh for 10 seconds. It doesn’t matter as long as it produces a change.”
I know I’m painting one side of this but the truth of the matter is that she’s the best woman I’ve ever had in my life. She is a loving, sweet, affectionate woman who loves me, treats my boys with respect, and loves her children. I love her. I would never sit there and stand for any person in this world talking to her in a way that her children do. It’s really why I think it would be impossible for me to disengage. Not only is it an issue in regards to rules but I have to listen to two ungrateful little shits completely disrespect their mother. It’s offensive to me and doesn’t sit well with me. They are her children but to me they are people. I want to give the relationship and her children more time. Yeah, I know it’s been a year they’ve been living with me but I think a month for some change is too short of a time. It has to change though. I don’t know how long is a long enough time. One more month, three more months, six months? Hard to say. I just know another year of these kinds of outbursts from both of them can’t continue.
Thank you for your response.
Here's my couple of
Here's my couple of pennies...
Relationships are more than emotions. ESPECIALLY when it comes to blended families. In a blended family parenting styles aren't made together they are already established. When blending a family similar parenting styles are a must. I will stay with that 100%!
Loving someone isn't just love. There are other emotions involved that combine to form true love. Trust, respect, adoration, passion, devotion, and many more. So you must ask yourself, and be honest.
Does she trust you? Not just to be faithful but to be a good father figure for her children.
Does she respect you?
Does she adore you?
Is there true passion between the two of you?
Is she devoted to you 100%?
Compromise!!!! Another biggie - is she willing to bend her ways for you? You for her? If not on either or both...squash it!
Answer those honestly, from your head and heart. Don't just use one or the other and if there is any type of wishy washy answer to any of those questions - it should be done.
From what I have read you need to get out with your sanity intact. Most times, people who want the relationship to work will assume some type of change when forced with a breakup. She clearly has not.
Yeah y'all talk it out, blah, blah, blah but actions do speak much more than words.
I think you have every right
I think you have every right to require these children to behave in "your" home. GF & children depend on you financially, the least they can do is respect the fact that they are in your home and should respect your wishes...GF included. You should not have to tolerate this behavior. Everyone's answer is always "disengage" but it's not always the right answer. Compromise is key, no you and GF don't have the same parenting style...you both need to find a balance, if you are too harsh and she is too lenient sit down and talk about one specific area at a time and how you both can compromise to find a balance. If she wanted only an hour of punishment and you wanted to see an improvement...I bet a compromise of 1 day without Netflix & Amazon would have been the perfect balance, you would have seen those girls on their best behavior for 24hrs to get the privilege back. I know this from experience, my DH is too lenient and I am the harsh enforcer in our home, but when we talk rationally and come to an agreement (AND BOTH STICK TO IT) our children are at their all time best behavior wise. After 6yrs of marriage we still have the occasional fights about his kids my kids, but it has gotten better. The more we are willing to compromise with one another the better we are. Hope you can make it work.