I think I finally broke down...
For a little background: http://www.steptalk.org/node/188407
I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing. I just needed to vent...
I am mourning the loss of my relationship and it isn’t even over yet. The arguing, yelling, and slamming doors between my girlfriend and her horrible children reached a fever pitch last night. It was the closest experience I’ve had to any kind of domestic violence I’ve witnessed. Certainly nothing like that happened between me and my ex-wife in front of the children. We would never allow it. I took my boys out of the home at 9:00 PM and took them to Wendy’s. It was the closest place to go to. I felt the need to remove them from the situation and I regret not doing it 15 minutes earlier. It’s very upsetting that I had to leave my own home...a place that has been my home for ten years. I opened up my home to my girlfriend and this is the end result.
Since I last wrote (see link, which also references another link) my relationship with my girlfriend has improved in many ways. Last night broke me. I was driven from my own home and I had to take my sons with me. I opened up my home to my girlfriend and her children about a year and a half ago. I thought we had laid out ground rules and expectations. Over the past year and a half it’s clear my sons adhere to a different set of rules (my rules) and face a different set of consequences. I dislike my girlfriend’s kids immensely. Sadly, they actually love me. I don’t treat them badly. Since they’re under my roof they’re under my protection. I have been trying to disengage privately for the past several months. Maybe I should have told my girlfriend. I haven’t really spoken to my girlfriend about what happened last night yet but I feel the need to say that “I will no longer speak with or engage with your children on any personal level. I don’t want to hear how well they did in school. I don’t want to say goodnight or have a nice day in the morning. After last night I have nothing to say to them anymore.”
Ultimately, the blame lies with my girlfriend. She is a poor parent when it comes to discipline. Her mother was a poor parent. My girlfriend was a rebellious preteen and teenager in every sense of the word. I really hate that word girlfriend because I feel like it cheapens the nature of our relationship. Over the past year she has been my partner and a far better “wife” than my ex-wife but we have no legal status. Some of you in my old thread said we weren’t going to make it largely because of the differences in parenting styles. I wanted to try. You guys are right. Someone in my last post suggested to disengage. I did but there comes a point where my own sons can’t disengage. My youngest said he wanted to rip his hair out over the stress. My oldest is unhappy and stressed with the situation. He just turned 13 and my youngest is 11. Both in middle school. I brought this on them.
Her children are terrible but the fault lies with SO (I think significant other is a better acronym than girlfriend so I’ll go with that). Her kids face no real consequences for their horrific behavior. Taking away an after dinner snack is not a consequence. Considering their overly expanding waistlines taking away an after-dinner snack is a favor. They need to lose every privilege. She won’t do it. She’s too much of a coward to her own children.
I love this woman. She’s been the best woman I’ve ever had in my life. Maybe this entire situation speaks to the kind of women I’m attracting. In the beginning of the year I had considered making her my wife. I thought I’d wait to see how things would turn out with her children in the home. At the time it had only been about six months. I wanted to give it time. They’ve been here about 17 months and things have actually gotten worse. The only reason why I would not make her my wife is because of her children. I spoke with her earlier today over the phone. She said she could have really used my help last night but the problem is that there isn’t a consistent time when I can or cannot intervene when they’re out of control. Over the past month or so we’ve discussed me getting more involved and more vocal since I have, for the most part, tried to disengage. Yesterday morning the older girl (SD10?) was having a complete meltdown and threw her brush at the mirror. Thinking that it was a good opportunity to assert that it was unacceptable behavior I got in her face about it. S.O. immediately told me to not get in her face so then stopped and I walked away. The way both of them were melting down last night I decided to not get involved. However, SO was the angriest at her children than I have ever seen in my life. Slamming doors, I think practically throwing a bed, I mean that’s what it sounded like anyway. They’re screaming at each other and when I spoke with her earlier I told her that it was the ugliest, most volatile situation that has ever happened in my home. I told her that whatever character trait her step-father had in dealing with her and all the issues she caused growing up that I simply do not have the patience or the tools to deal long term. I wish I did, but I don’t.
This sounds like a really bad
This sounds like a really bad situation. The only person who can change things for you is you.
It's really too bad that your SO can't/won't learn from you on how to resolve conflict, especially with children. Ofc you can't live in an aggressive, volatile home. Home is supposed to be a sanctuary, where you are safe and loved. You were willing to offer a positive environment to her and her children, but she's not allowing that.
I'm sure she's aware of her behaviour being out of line, probably even feels HUGE remorse and guilt after she blows up like that. But I suspect there are some pretty deep issues at the core of it, issues that a partner can't help her with very much.
For her own happiness, I hope she finds a professional therapist/counsellor who can help her understand and change her behaviour.
I will not marry her. It's
I will not marry her. It's such a shame because at the beginning of the year I wanted to. I learned a lot from my first marriage and I don't want to repeat the same issues. In order for me to marry again I need a woman who is a partner in every facet of my life. We will never agree on how to raise children. The funny thing is that one of the big reasons why her first marriage failed is because she and her husband could not agree on disciplining their children.
When I spoke to her today I said to her "Many times during our relationship you said your marriage failed over, largely, differences in raising the children. We are having problems in our relationship with the girls' behavior and I am not their father. How do you expect me to be better?"
It's stunning that me and my SO don't actually fight and argue. Sure, there were other problems with her ex-husband. He's not a bad guy but the way I feel is that if their marriage failed over these differences how can I possibly be better when it comes to that issue? Does that make sense?
It's not that you can't
It's not that you can't possibly be "better," it's that you can't possibly be even more lenient!
These guilty parents just kill me. "I feel sorry for kid, so I'm now going to completely destroy their ability to function in the world!" WTF
Giving the kid boundaries and teaching her proper skills is BETTER parenting. Being more lenient is WORSE parenting.
Wow ~ Rock !!! It's time to
Wow ~ Rock !!!
It's time to throw the white flag up ~ it hasn't really changed has it ???
I guess this causes me to look in my mirror ~ my relationships with my two older girls has two different approaches. My oldest daughter could drive a sober man to want to drink tequila the whole bottle. She is a smart girl but damn if she isn't as stubborn as the day is long. I argue with her about walking the fine line of being a young adult n acting like one. She wants to be an adult but acts like a kid. Offering her some well needed advice just to have a debate on it on the daily. I have wipe my hands clean of her ~ she's on her own.
My middle daughter used to have melt downs very frequently ~ this child has done a complete 180. My own temper was fueling the fire ~ I only learned that from my "SO" ~ telling me blantenly that nothing is changing unless I CHANGE.
I had to change ~ it wasn't his job to get involved. If he got involved things could be said that could never be taken back. Hurt feelings all the way around.
Your SO needs to get her ostrich head out if her ass. Begin to realize she needs to change something. And if she doesn't change n QUICK you need to show them the door. The hostility in your home is pouring over to your kids. They have said so ~ listen n take action. They don't deserve to live like that ~ you know that.
Let her go ~ maybe your timing is just off. Meaning she can't be your partner m parent ~ n her kids are her first priority. If she can't see that then she has bigger issues.
You have identified that you
You have identified that you can no longer expose your sons or yourself to this train wreck of a woman and her volatile spawn.
Tell her to be out by the end of the week. No discussion, just out and a date.
If this train wreck of a woman is an upgrade from your XW and still a train wreck then you are not ready for a long term relationship yet. Give yourself some more time to find the person you like being and put some work in to defining what you require in a mate.
Once you do that work you will find that the women you start spending time with will be of far higher quality and much lower drama than either your XW and blessedly STBX GF.
At least this is how it worked out for me. My XW was a train wreck of an adulterous whore. I took more than 3 years to work through the grieving and recovery process from the demise of my first marriage before I started meeting quality women. I dated a bunch in that time frame but it was not until year 3 post divorce that I was ready to engage in dating potential partners of character. I had a great time before I started dating truly amazing women but I knew the women during those years were not marriage material. When I was ready I shifted my focus to amazing women and met my beautiful bride of 20 years.
My XW and I did not have children. You have boys you need to protect and focus on so it is even more imperative for you to be very ready and very selective in your choice in a life partner.
You have come to the conclusion to end the relationship. Do not second guess yourself. End it and move on.
Based on my own experiences I believe you will find that this is what is best for you and for your boys at this time. When you find her. She will be beyond reproach in character and will not bring the personality flaws and baggage that your STBX SO represents. By baggage I do not mean children. My bride brought a toddler son to our marriage and we have had a successful equity life partnership for our entire marriage. There is no need to eliminate women who also bring children to the mix ... if .... they are quality parents and will partner with you to put your marriage as the unequivocal priority for both of you. The marriage/adult relationship is the center of the blended family. All kids in that family will benefit from the equity partnership but they never take priority over that marriage partnership. Kids are the top responsibility but never are they the priority.
All IMHO and experience of course.
Take care of yourself.
Good luck.
I was wrong to get in her
I was wrong to get in her face. I agree, no question about it and I had apologized to her shortly after it happened.
Since you stated that you didn't read my previous posts (quite frankly I don't blame you) the run down is that we essentially had the same conversation six months ago. I asked her that she allow her children to become more independent, and that the backtalk, outbursts, rude behavior, ect... all come to a stop because I won't be able to take it over the long term. Six months later nothing has really changed and it has gotten worse. Heck, I thought this outburst and having to remove my sons from my home would happen at some point but I didn't think it would happen so soon. It's been this way for nearly a year and a half. So, in my opinion I've given her a chance.
We spoke last night. I've essentially made it clear that this is the last chance. I hate ultimatums but if I don't see improvement I can't continue this way and neither can my sons..
I learned from my first
I learned from my first marriage that loving them and keeping them around isn't going to change them. It took me a while to get that through my thick head but I finally got it, my love is not going to change this person, no matter what I do, or how much I beg, this person does not love me the way I love him and he's not willing to change for me. That is a jagged little pill to swallow, but once it's done it's done and you can't keep taking someone back, that only tells them that yes there is consequences but only for a short time. She's not will to change for you. She doesn't care that you had to remove your kids from the house because they were scared. She doesn't care that you removed yourself from the house because it was a scary situation. I really think it is time to move on, but that's IMO.