Hostile adult stepdaughters
I am 41 and have no kids. My husband is 51 and has two daughters w ex, ages 21 and 23. I was friends w my husband before I dated him, he is my best friend. He and I are very happy and he is not happy with how his two daughters REFUSE to accept that he is married to someone other than their mother and they will not acknowledge my existance, even after 4 years of marriage and 6 years after meeting me. They live at home with bm, who had no interest in them until my husband left her. He raised them alone while she ignored all of them and was often physically abusive of the oldest daughter(this girl is now VERY loyal to the mother!). Neither girl has a boyfriend, even though the oldest is a very pretty girl. The mom is narcissistic and lives a fantasy life-spending money, not working and providing the girls with this fun, daily disney life. I have tried to be nice to these girls-invited them to our house, bought them gifts, let dad take them out without me along-for years! They NEVER EVER progress. When he brings me up in conversation with them(when I am not along) they stay silent. If they dont like what he says to them and sets money bounderies,etc, they simply stonewall him and ignore him for months at a time. He rarely complains, which makes me furious. I am FURIOUS at the lack of respect that these two girls show their dad. He has given them every comfort in life, they didnt even get jobs until last year. They and the mother got the house, the cars and the mom never worked and always spent money lavishly during and after the marriage(like circus animals coming to the house for birthdays,etc.). The mom hit and verbally abused my husband for 18 years before he left her. She is very arrogant and simply ignores you if she doesnt like you-hence the reason why her daughters use this tactic on their dad. I want to stay with my husband, I love him but I am SOOO sick of this haughty behavior, being ignored. I dont expect them to be friends with me, but I am tired of the fact that they want their dad to leave me at home during holiday family outings, birthdays and events(asking sneakily, "is SHE(I dont even have a name with them!) coming?"). My husband supports my views and stands up to the girls most of the time. I am just wondering how in the world do people cope with this year in and year out. HELP!!
Hey sounds like the circus
Hey sounds like the circus animals never left...
In your shoes I would offer them no more hospitality. I would offer your husband emotional support to accept his loss of a relationship that could have been but to accept also that this situation will not change unless the performing monkeys, sorry daughters, want it to. And I would ask him not to mention your name to them again or at least not to relay back to you the hurtful things they are saying... why should you listen to this crap? You never did them any harm, so you don't deserve to be basted in their vinegar.
I have nothing to add to what
I have nothing to add to what these 4 wise ladies ^^^^ told you. Please listen to them!!Advice only works if you take it.
Each of them has made very pertinent points.
Thanks for the comments! I
Thanks for the comments! I guess I have lived with the fear that if I dont become liked by these girls that they would eventually erode our relationship by trying to turn my husband against me with their "its us or her" attitude. They play hard ball to get what they want. Its scary for me, I feel like the outsider-even though my husband swears that he is on my side. I also know that is is wearing on him that they are so unbending. He spent years with them as his whole world-unhealthy! The minute he left their mother, she suddenly became their best friend, whining and dining them with a "its us against the world(and that new stepmother)" attitude. So you can see why I felt that I have to be liked.
All of the above sounds good
All of the above sounds good to me. Leave it and all of them out of your life except for your husband. Let him go to them as often as he cares too. Never allow them in your home again.
Once you're not there to take the abuse that will leave Daddy and it sounds like he's handling it.
Oh and make sure you defuse
Oh and make sure you defuse that line they are starting about "us or her". This is false logic and if he reports it back to you, expose it as such (kindly). Say, "But there isn't a competition darling, I'm irrelevant to them, I want you to be happy in your relationship with them so I'm keeping out of their hair" or whatever. don't let it get to the point where they are the comforters who commiserate with him over the bitterness in his marriage, which is where it goes to if he thinks there is a competition with winners and losers.
The good news is your husband
The good news is your husband supports you! That is a major step
it's so much worse when the husband sides with skids and allows them to act the way they do
Best advice I can give is stop doing anything for them. Especially since no matter what you do they will find fault, do what YOU like and don't worry about them!
When DH's girls were younger if I went out and did things with my own family and friends when they were around then I didn't care about them. If I tagged along or worse we took them to an event at my family's, then I was hogging their dad and their time with him
If you can't win no matter what you do, just do what makes YOU happy!
Wow what an ah ha moment !!!
Wow what an ah ha moment !!!
Your comment of if they liked you , you'd be just like them.
That is soooo enlightening ~ thank you thank you thank you !!!
I am dealing with the same
I am dealing with the same thing. When they are adults like that, it's best to just DETACH. Don't put too much into them because they are adults and should be making a life for themselves.
I am in the same situation as
I am in the same situation as you. I have 2 SD's. One is 23 and one is 21. I get along w/the 23 yr old and love her to death. The 21 yr old one is another story all together. She HATES me, has threatened me with physical violence, starts fights outta the blue and blames them on me. I could go on and on here but I am sure you get the point. Last week she started again, and my DH told her "that she does not need to like me or be friends with me, but she DOES need to respect me". Also, if she wants to complain about me she should do it to her friends. Told her that I am his wife and he loves me and he is sick of hearing her complain about me." I was so PROUD of my DH! Did it all on his own! This should not even be an issue, she is 21 yrs old and lives 2 hrs away from us. It is an issue because she is mad her Dad married me and I was the 1 relationship that she failed to ruin for her father. She does not want him with anyone and wants all his attention (& money) for herself.
You are very lucky. Your DH
You are very lucky. Your DH is definitely a 'keeper'. My DH would never do that so I had to do it myself.
You are in a perfect position
You are in a perfect position to exact the ultimate revenge of demonstrating your happiness. It sounds to me that your DH has his priorities straight and prioritizes his marriage and his bride over his entitled spawn and his XW.
So, here is what I think works the best. Be radiant. Go to the family events and beam happiness. Go to every event, every time, be engaging, and be happy. Have your DH's arm, laugh boisterously during conversations and just shine. Dress to your best advantage; wear the gifts of jewelry, etc... that you have received from your DH and let the SDs and the XW wilt under the intensity of your brilliance.
If the SDs get stupid just throw your head back, laugh happily and say “Oh, you girls are so funny.”
These morons are like cockroaches that scurry for a shadow when a light is turned on in a dark room. You be the light, and let the roaches scurry.
Though we do not have the same circumstance you are struggling with we use this tactic with great success whenever we are in Sperm Land. This is mostly directed at my SS's Sperm Clan but also on a more limited basis we use it with my ILs. The Sperm Clan is a bunch of worthless PsOS with a superiority complex who regularly make the mistake of trying to show us in a less than admirable light. That is tough to do when the Sperm Idiot is a purposely under employed plumber with a long and distinguished arrest record, 4 out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas (two were underage when the kids were born), who lives in his parent's rental property rent free, drives their hand-me-down cars and has his mommy and daddy pay his CS obligations for his non custodial kids and raise his custodial children in their home with no financial help from him.
On our side of the coin my amazing bride is a former 16yo single teen mom who went on to graduate with her class with honors, completed a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors and has a successful career as a CPA. I am a degreed engineer and MBA with a successful career of my own. We have raised the Skid to be a young man of character and we have provided for him the best that we can. He is a viable self supporting adult who has been in the USAF for 3 years. At 21 he has accomplished far more than all of the preceding generations of the Sperm Clan combined. We are proud of him.
We show up to court or to any interface with the Sperm Clan professionally dressed and are happy and engaging. The Sperm Clan shows up with a very sullen attitude and spend a lot of time trying to expound on how horrible we are.
With my ILs, the situation is a bit different but the tactic we use is the same. They are all very nice people but not at all successful. They take exception to my DW's success and the lifestyle we provide for our son (my SS) and ourselves. My MIL/FIL, BIL1, BIL2 and SIL all have foreclosures, bankruptcies, reposessions, and constantly shift their interactions with my DW and our family to position themselves in some self recognized superior moral or physical position. They were not single teen moms or fathers. Their new shed is bigger than ours, their new computer is faster than our older computer, their recently purchased car is newer than our cars, etc…….. In their minds being a 16yo single teen mom is my brides defining experience. They don't clearly comprehend what she has accomplished and that she has accomplished these things starting as a 16yo single teen mom from a background of poverty makes her accomlishments even more admirable. What amazes me is that they take a morally superior position on the fact that their child was either conceived or born out of wedlock but they were 20 and not sixteen. :? :sick:
We are who we are, we engage in as positive a way as possible, we present ourselves and behave professionally and with maturity and we make no excuses for what we have accomplished. We beam our happiness and success and let the roaches bare their own asses and scurry for the shadows.
Their choice, not ours.
So beam, be at your DHs side and have each other’s backs, be happy and let the SDs and BM wilt.
Living well and being happy is the best revenge and unlike most revenge does not have to be served cold. It can be kept comfortably warm.
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself.