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Dirty, lazy skids driving me mad

brighteyes's picture

Submitted by brighteyes on Tue, 07/09/2013 - 5:16am

I remarried a year ago. Never having lived with my new husband before I married him. He has three kids aged 17, 19 and 10. First two girls and last a boy. They are the messiest, laziest kids I have ever met. They leave their soiled panties on the floor, leave dishes all over the house and binge eat then stick their sweet papers anywhere they can to hide it. They have interests in nothing but TV and play station. When they visit every second weekend I try to ignore it all. But for the sake of my daughters upbringing and teaching them the right way, I make sure that I keep the house tidy so my girls don't have to endure the mess. I don't go into the bedroom they share as I would have heart failure. They eat us out of house and home never taking into consideration that maybe someone else would like some of the treats. They are very fussy eaters only eating meat and starch. No vegetables. The youngest boy has terrible table manners to the extent that I feel sick when I have to watch him eat. How do I deal with this. I don't want it to ruin my marriage as I love my husband dearly. He protects them as I think he is afraid they will say they will not come visit again if he lays down the rules for them! Help!!!!!

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oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Tue, 07/09/2013 - 7:14am

Learn to ignore them. Eat separately with your girls. Hide food in a locked cupboard (Tell DH that Christmas presents in there). Minimalise the time you spend with them.

I would work on small things. Ask DH to make sure they pick up their sweet papers etc to stop vermin and ants and insects coming in the house. This is not for YOUR benefit but for the household as a whole.

At the end of their weekend with you take a pair of tongs and a laundry hamper. Pick up all their crappy clothes lying around the house and leave them in the hamper outside their bedroom. Tell DH that the kids clothes are ready to be washed. And let them sit there.

The next weekend they are there, lock away anything of material or sentimental value for you and your girls then head out ALL DAY. Plan a walk somewhere.

Right now you and your girls are the 'buffer zone' between him seeing his kids for what they are and what they should be.

Just remember, this is not 100% their fault. Their parents have permitted this behaviour. If you spend all your life eating crap starches and meat and are never given a carrot would you eat one? Free range parenting... ugh!

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 07/09/2013 - 9:36am

Yes! I gave up trying to get my DH to do anything about my lazy, nasty, slobby SD15. Anytime I would say something about her nasty room, her dirty dishes, undisposed of tampons or anything like that it would end up with me being the bad guy... so I took matters into my own hands. I am now the stealth bitch.

If SD leaves ANYTHING laying around anywhere other than her room? I throw it in the garbage. I don't care what it is. I actually threw out her house key and lanyard the other night. I found $5.00 in the couch cushion the other night while looking for BS3 ITouch. I know it was SDs because my money never comes out of my wallet and it was also folded up really small, which DH would never do. I never said a word about it, just unfolded it and put it in my wallet. This works because SD is a nasty slob. DH knows this. So if her crap disappears, and she dares say something about it, he just blames her because she is a slob. And I stay out of her room (for the most part) That way I don't have to get ticked off about the 12 wet towels and closet full of dirty laundry and whatever other nastiness she has going on in there. When BS3 wants to go in there I tell him to stay out because it's nasty. The other night when SD came home from her grandmother's BS3 actually told SD to "go clean her nasty room" If she wants to live in slobbery in her nasty ass room, so be it, but the rest of my home shall be SD15 bacteria free.

If I buy food or drinks that I don't want SD to have her nasty hands on? I hide them. This works because she's lazy, she'll never actually take the time to look for something, so if it's not in plain sight, I'm good and DH has no clue.

Oh and another good trick I saw for hiding things from boys??? Hide the stuff you don't want them to eat/touch in tampon or maxi pad boxes. They'll NEVER look there!

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Wed, 07/10/2013 - 8:09am

As soon as I saw the ages I thought oh no! . The older teens are at the age where they think they are adults, resent being told what to do, but have little sense of responsibility or accountability. Honestly, the behaviour you describe is fairly typical, lazy-check, messy-check, eat like horses-check, attitude-check, but believe me I know how annoying it is to live with, even on an intermittent basis.

I would carry on with what you're doing. Don't try to parent them, keep the house at the minimum of tidiness you can tolerate when they're there, be pleasant and make the occasional effort to cook their favourite meal or watch a movie together, other than than focus on yourself and your daughter while their Dad focuses on them and preserve your sanity with more outings and me time. And btw your husband is right, at those ages if he starts trying to put in place discipline and rules that didn't exist before your marriage they will stop visiting. They don't have the maturity and perspective to understand or respect it and they will just flounce off childishly, announcing they won't be treated like children. 10 year old could soon follow suit. That would be hard for your husband and in my view it's not worth the risk, the oldest 2 will be out of your hair soon enough without any showdowns.

Tbh it speaks well of their relationship with your husband that they are still visiting regularly - a lot of teens stop regular visitation well before 17, as soon as they think they're too grown up to have to bother with a visitation schedule. My husband has a good relationship with his children but 3 of the 5 reduced their time to occasional visits after the age of 15, thinking they were all grown up and could do their own thing. One other tip is to buy some books on teenagers (not sure how old your daughter is?) it helps to put things into perspective to read about how typical a lot of the behaviour is.