I've gone and done it...finally
I have disengaged from my adult stepchildren. It was a difficult decision but a decision long overdue. I have found the relief rather relieving. I love them dearly, I always have, but the one sided relationship has really taken its toll.
My SKids are well into their 30's with children of their own. DH has not been good about initiating contact with them since they married, and I had long tired of the reminders. He really was a good father to them growing up and they know that.
My husband lost his twin sister this past August. It has been very rough on him. They all came to the viewing and the funeral, they were there for their dad. We have called them since to see how things are, but they do not call to check on their dad or how he is feeling since the death of his sister.
I will never understand it, and I am done worrying about it. They call, fine, they don't, fine too. I have wasted far to much energy on a situation I cannot control.
It feels good to let go...I love them, but it feels good.
Good for you!
Good for you!
I imagine you feel light as a
I imagine you feel light as a feather!
ENJOY!
I had to do the same
I had to do the same thing. Good for you. Now sit back, relax and enjoy your life without the drama.
That's right, enjoy not even
That's right, enjoy not even worrying about the situation you cannot control.
Let them enjoy their self-absorption.
We had something very similar happen a few years ago: after losing his parents to old age in quick succession 3-4 years ago, my husband suddenly lost his brother, who died a horrible, violent death in a work place accident. It was one of those 4 am phone calls you never forget. We flew to his city to be with the grieving family. When we got back, my DH fell apart. This last unexpected blow was too much for him. He practically begged his children to come and be with him, to comfort him. It was before Xmas. They never came. Not only did they not come, to his emails where he was wondering if they are really as heartless as they appeared to be, they responded with a slap-across-the-face email tirade where they blamed him for daring to ask them to give up their pursuits, something like going to the mall on Sunday. His son was in college, daughter a junior in high school.
DH fell into deeper depression. It was horrible. I was never able to see them in the same light again - as thoughtless kids, pressured by the BM to toe her line. Oh no.. This was a moral dilemma they faced, and they showed just how vicious they could be. Strike a man when he is down. This kind of cruelty i did not think they were capable of. Turned my stomach. I actually started thinking, oh my god, who did i bring into my kids' lives? What a**holes... I disengaged from them the following year.
I empathised with your post.
I empathised with your post. I have been very fond of my stepchildren over the years but ended up reevaluating things when the youngest cut me out of his life 2 years ago aged 14. It made me question how much I had invested in my relationships with my stepchildren. The oldest 3 are 26, 23 and 22 and like you I have drawn conclusions about the one sided nature of my and DH's relationships with them in the wake of a death in the family.
My husband's brother died earlier this year after a long and bitterly fought battle with cancer. SD23 and SD22 came back 2 days before the funeral, went straight to their mothers house, and made no effort to visit DH before the funeral. SD26 came back the night before and was the only one who contacted DH and arranged to come straight up to our house and stay overnight before the funeral. The first DH saw of SD23 and SD22 was outside the chapel with the other mourners and their mother when we arrived with the rest of DH's family.
I was bitterly disappointed with their lack of empathy and support for their father and vey angry with them over it. Although it has always been clear over the years that their loyalties lay with their mother I thought they had more love and support for their father than that. Their mothers father had died only a few months previously and they had all been camped out at their mothers offering support. The double standard was shocking. I ended up saying something to them after the service, only to find that instead of realising that they had been insensitive and making amends they simply appeared resentful that I had said anything and ignored me for the remainder of the funeral. I found the whole thing shocking and can no longer bring myself to make the thoughtful gestures and efforts to keep in contact that I made before.
Thank you for sharing,
Thank you for sharing, Bojangles, strangely, it made me feel better about the whole thing. So it is not me and not something specific to me. It is endemic... See, you/me/any SM says, "Jeeze Louise, guys, how can you treat your dad like that? At a time like this?" You think they will realize what they have done and make amends, as you said, but all they seem to hear is, "It's a personal attack! How dare you criticize me???" They see it as a an act of war initiated by the SM, due to the fact that you/me/the SM in general is just unloving, hostile to the SKs and a witch to begin with. Whereas we are driven by love for our husbands and compassion for their suffering. We are reacting to the skids being hostile. Unreal... I was never able to interact with them after this like nothing happened, and did not want my kids around them.
What also surprised me, even if it should not have, is that the OSD, 22 at the time, did not reach out to DH's niece or sister, who are both loving, welcoming, warm and wonderful to the skids - always. So your father lost his brother, you do not care to comfort him, but you also make zero effort to support your extended family - with whom you do not have a conflict, and who send you gifts and welcome you in their home. Nada, zilch. Not even out of a sense of duty if not love. Pretty disgusting... My eyes really began to open after that.