Am I overreacting to his kids in this latest situation?
I've been a lurker here and gained valuable insight and advice from this site :). I am now in need of advice to know if I am overreacting or not to a recent situation. I am divorced with no kids in a 3 year relationship with a divorced man who has custody of his three teens. We are in our 40s. I feel lucky that things are pretty good overall and he treats me very well, receptive to my input on the kids and rules. The kids are pretty respectful too. We don't live together yet but I am basically in a stepmother role.
When he goes to Annual Training or drill, I would stay and take care of his kids as their mom lives many states away. Since the oldest recently turned 18 he now leaves them on their own and I just take them grocery shopping while he is gone. Usually SD18, SS15, SS13 came with me to the store, I am not here to do their shopping for them, they are old enough to do it themselves, I'm just there to drive them and pay for it (boyfriend leaves me checks for costs). Recently SD18 stopped going playing the "I'm on my period" card. Then the last time the two oldest said they were staying home to tidy up the house (bullsh**t I know) while SS13 would go with me. I said that TWO must go with me so SS15 volunteered. SS18 does tend to be lazy.
I tend to take things very personally and initially felt "there ya go...I don't mean a thing to them, they do not appreciate all I have done for them". The other side of me wonders if this is just lazy teenage behavior and that they have known me long enough they are trying to pull one over on me. I let BF know what happened and that it made me feel I'm in a pretty thankless role. He said he was embarrassed at their actions, apologized and said he will take care of the problem.
Is it reasonable to tell BF that all THREE must join me to do THEIR grocery shopping or I will not take them (even if they are too tired or on their period)? Especially after I am taking time out of my busy schedule to help them. I do care, that is why I do things for them. If they all won't go, then I will turn around and go home and too bad for them. I think they are old enough to handle this simple responsibility.
Would I be overreacting to think this is a sign of disrespect or resentment towards me and that I must have a talk with BF about him needing to tell them he will have zero tolerance of them showing any disrespect towards me? Or is my previous suggestion all that is really needed in this case? Your input is really appreciated.
In my opinion it is just
In my opinion it is just teenage issues. I don't really see an 18 yr old not wanting to go to the store as disrespectful toward you at all.
It seems to me, if SO is away at drill, and she is there taking care of the two younger one, she may just need a break. That is a lot to put on a an 18 yr old, to be responsible for their younger siblings for two or more days. Does the 18 yr old not drive?? Is she not capable of getting herself to the grocery store?
I hate to tell you, but if this issue has got you all stirred up, you better not marry this man. This situation is minor in comparison to what you could be going through.
Well.... I'm a bit confused,
Well.... I'm a bit confused, honestly. Why are you taking them AT ALL? Doesn't the 18 year old have a license?
Assuming you (or someone) actually does need to drive them, I'm not really sure why you want all 3 to come? Or even 2? Why can't one of them just do the grocery shopping (if you drive them there)?
I dunno, this seems to me to be one of those "you might be getting too involved" flags. I'm honestly not sure why you even CARE if one (or more) doesn't want to go grocery shopping. I mean... I have 3 kids of my own. If I can get away with taking NONE of them to the grocery store, that's totally my preference!
So I can't really wrap my brain around saying they all HAVE to come. I'd want to take the fewest number of kids, if it were me.
If they don't want to go,
If they don't want to go, don't do it...They can starve. If one wants to, all the better for them. Do not buy anything for the ones that aren't there. You snooze, you lose.
Easy enough...
Can't they make a list? And
Can't they make a list? And take turns going with you? I wouldn't WANT all three there, to tell you the truth. I get that you don't want to be treated like the maid, and if they can't make a list and rotate responsibility among themselves, then don't go. No point being unappreciated. But forcing all three to go seems over the top to me.
And it sounds like normal teenage behavior, especially if you have an otherwise decent relationship with them.
And I agree with an earlier poster who said that is a LOT of responsibility on the 18 year old. How long is your SO gone at a time?
how long is this annual
how long is this annual drill? why on earth can't the shopping be done before he leaves?
I mean, if you run out of milk or bread or something- just go grab it. At 18 I was asked by my folks to stop and pick up stuff like that.
Why can't dad hit up a BJ'S
Why can't dad hit up a BJ'S type of place before he leaves? He should have the house fully stocked with more than enough food to last until he returns.
You all are giving me a lot
You all are giving me a lot to consider and I really appreciate it. BF loads up on groceries but 3 kids go thru them quickly.
The reason this really rubs me the wrong way is this last incident seems to show me the kids EXPECT me to this for them, like I'm there to serve them. I resent that honestly.
The SD18 is not a mature 18. She has been coddled much of her life and is lazy and often tries to act helpless. BF is working on that by giving her more responsibility. She still does not have her drivers license. I don't know exactly the items they want, and it is quite time consuming to shop for 3 kids who aren't mine. I feel they should all come to pick up their stuff since they know exactly what they want and I will then pay for it. It always goes quickly when they are all there. I already go above and beyond for those kids and I think this is a simple responsibility they should have, not me.
They need food so I am helping out. Even if SD18 did drive, Dad has the car so they have no way to get to the store. Just one of them is not capable alone since they all know the different things they want...you know specific brands, flavors, etc. I want them all go so they can get what they need and I don't have to spend forever in the store trying to figure it out. Again I think this is a very simple responsibility for them to have. I don't feel I should shop for them as they are not helpless little children. Especially since I know they would rather stay home and just veg out in front of the TV instead. It's easy enough to shop for your own kids, not so easy to shop for someone else's kids.
Simple. Give them 3
Simple. Give them 3 options:
1. Make exact lists
2. Go with you
3. Starve
Yes, you're in way too deep.
Yes, you're in way too deep. This is NOT your role. I know you want to justify it to us, but you'll be very hard pressed to get any of us to tell you you're right and you should be shopping with them. You can't see it, but you're enabling their behaviour by being this doormat.
You love your SO, that's cool. You want to help out, also cool. You want credit for it? That's where you'll fail miserably.
If they need a ride, fine. Drop them off. They call you when they're done, you pay, they load the car. It's all good. Not your problem if only one wants to shop. You do NOT need to be in the store with them - they're supposed to be learning this life skill, right? Step back. We mean this advice sincerely and for your own good.
You can order groceries
You can order groceries online & have them delivered. Tell SO to look up the services in your area. Problem solved.
http://www.peapod.com/
Wow-great idea!! Thanks for
Wow-great idea!! Thanks for the suggestion!!
I actually really like the
I actually really like the idea of picking a time, dropping them all off at the store, going for a coffee and then swinging by to pay. Whoever goes along gets their stuff.
However, that's IF you really want to do this.
That sounds like a great
That sounds like a great solution...but I know the older boy would pick up stuff for his sister-reinforcing her to be lazy while others do all the work. I guess what it boils down to when I think about it is by SD18 staying home doing nothing while her brothers and myself do all the work, it gives her the impression I am her maid. That is why I want BF to tell them all three must go so she doesn't keep getting away with doing nothing while me and her brothers do the work so to speak. That's when I feel it is putting me a role that serves her (she's happy to have her brothers serve her too). I think that sets a bad precident for us as a "step-family".