honestly want to slap both of them..
Yesterday afternoon SK12 was as usual, bitching.. this time (again) it was his 9:45 bedtime..
He would not shut his mouth, so I said.. keep it up and your bedtime is 9:30 tonight...
he bitched and I said - 9:30, wanna try for 9:15..?
He shut his mouth.
I headed upstairs at 9 to do some things and the last thing I said to sk12 was "be in bed at 9:30 - this means teeth brushed and in bed at 9:30 - do you understand?" He said yes.
9:25 rolls around and I'm upstairs folding laundry and DH is watching TV.. I say to DH when it becomes 9:30... "well, guess who isn't in bed...?"
Some of you might say "you should have followed up and made sure he was in bed"... to a degree, yea, I should have.. but you know what? I am sick of it. I/We always have to follow this shit around and make sure he is doing what we tell him and quite frankly it's exhausting. The other thing is I was trying to see if he would make the right choice.. and he didn't.
DH goes downstairs and gets SK12.. 15 minutes of his screwing off later and being told to brush his teeth 6 times.. he is in bed.. at 9:45..
I'm pissed at him and DH..
DH should have handed him his ass and given him another consequence for disobeying the last one.. but nope.. the usual defend "he was getting his stuff together at 9:30" and making excuses for him bullshit..
SK12 was not told to get his shit together at 9:30 - he was told in bed at 9:30.. but DH doesn't see it that way.. and he wonders why these kids have no respect for him or fear of consequences.. none.
I can't imagine dealing with
I can't imagine dealing with constant issues like that over and over. I would ask if you thought maybe you could just get more stern, but I know that just turns you into evil stepmother and dad into hero.
I hope it gets better!
It is absolutely exhausting..
It is absolutely exhausting.. you get to the point where you want to do one of two things; micro manage the hell out of him and fight him tooth and nail every step of the way.. which gives you no peace and constant conflict.
Or you want to say the hell with it and let it all go.. but that sucks because then you walk around resentful and pissed off all the time because this kid just does whatever the hell he pleases and argues with DH about everything..
Stop letting your DH off the
Stop letting your DH off the hook. Let him parent and you relax.
I can't relax when I see such
I can't relax when I see such blatant disrespect and sk12 being an argumentative asshole...
I live here too and am not the kind of person that can ignore a bratty back talking asshole.. especially one that is loud, rude and demanding.
I wish I could just ignore it.. this crap happens daily. It's always there and in my face.
Punishments only work when
Punishments only work when you enforce them.
You did good by telling him his bedtime was moved up 15 minutes, but since you didn't follow up, you've just shown SS that your word means nothing.
If you are going to punish SS by making him go to bed early, you need to breath down his neck and make sure he is in bed by 9:30, or whatever time.
I know you're tired of following up on him, but for this to work you can't expect a child to enforce his own punishment. You don't let him "make the right choice" by letting him get to bed early on his own. That's like expecting him to ground himself.
I agree 100% I should have
I agree 100%
I should have followed up and usually I do - which has gotten me in a battle with DH before over things like being accused of not giving SK12 a chance to do the right thing.. so I give him a chance and look what happens.. ugh, I can't win.
If I had complete control and could do what I wanted in this situation, I would have been down there and in his face at 9:20 telling him to get his stuff and get up stairs.. then if he drug his feet and tried to manipulate then it would have been "if you aren't where you are supposed to be at 9:30, bedtime tomorrow is 9:15"
Nope.. I can't do that or I am mean.. but sk12 can take his sweet ass time and manipulate the bedtimes/punishments and he's just being a kid..
I understand the feeling of
I understand the feeling of not being able to win no matter what you do.
I remember your previous blog - have you talked to your DH and told him that the kids staying up late affects your sleep because they make so much noise?
It's fun, isn't it? I am sick
It's fun, isn't it?
I am sick of the "ok to parent" / "not ok to parent" crap.. one day I have a say, the next, I don't.. no wonder the kids are such a mess.. hell, I'm an adult and it screws with MY head.. lol
I had a sit down with DH last night.. flat out told him I'm sick of my needs being tossed aside to accommodate the ss's wants. I need to work and I need to be focused when I work. If I don't get my sleep, I'm mot focused and am not on my "A" game..
Hopefully he gets it.. the kids are back to school in a couple days and thank goodness this means a much earlier bedtime.. that will help me out tremendously.
UGH, yeah, it sure is a mess.
UGH, yeah, it sure is a mess. No one knows what the expectations are, causes a lot of confusion and misunderstanding.
Glad you had a sit down with DH last night.
Hopefully you'll be able to start getting some decent rest. I know what you mean, if I'm tired I can't think straight and it definitely affects my work.
Next time you are supposed to
Next time you are supposed to take skid12 someplace (which if you are lucky will be never) just dawdle around and be at least 30 minutes late.
lol.. yup.. I shall do this
lol.. yup.. I shall do this each and every time from now on..
Yes....You should have
Yes....You should have !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have the same issue. I have
I have the same issue. I have two SS: SS11 and SS15. SS11 is actually a good kid most of the time. No real issues with him, but SS15 is a complete different story. I used to help my husband parent his kids, but he always turned me into the bad guy. If one of them did something wrong and I took an electronic away for a week or something, DH would later give the electronic back before the end of the week because "oh he's been so good lately." What DH actually did was to create this huge resentment between SS15 and I. I disengaged a long time ago, but I understand when you say it is really hard not to be bothered when you see how disrespectful they are. If they don't respect their own father, you cannot expect them to respect you.
To this day, I don't know if disengaging was the right choice, but I didn't know what else to do. The next thing was to get a divorce. At least now I don't have to deal with SS15 and I don't have to pretend I like him. SS15 still talks back at DH, he is constantly raising his voice, he doesn't listen, he leaves a mess when he eats and he is just a walking chaos, but I keep thinking "3 more years and he is OUT" and he will be out because I already told DH that having him here after he graduates High school is something I am not going to tolerate.
Same here. DW must really
Same here. DW must really enjoy hearing herself repeat "EVERYTHING" over and over and over again. ss13 and ss16 are the same way, she asks them to do something and they say okay but do it on their time or not at all. Then a few days later the same thing.
My daughter was totally opposite. I was rather strict with her when she was really young. I didn't beat her by any means but when I asked for something to be done she did it or she didn't get to do what she wanted. She lost out on a few parties and mall time then. Around 13 years of age she come to realize it was much more beneficial to go ahead and anticipate what needed to be done. We had fun doing things to so that helped. This caused a lot of friction with my bd and skids. She grew into the kid that liked things picked up and the skids not so much. She grew resentful when skids wouldn't listen to their mom but she did. Just made her the better kid in my opinion.
I don't ask skids to do anything, I tell them and that is what they respond to. If they do it half ass they have two other things to do after that. Mom thinks that's to much or aggressive so I stopped. I no longer tell them anything. I feel like a roommate now rather than an equal.
For example, we were supposed to leave 45 minutes ago to go to the in laws, skid 16 just now got into the shower and now I have to wait an extra hour. Mom is good with it. WTF!!
I have a new saying for all of this. It is what it is.
I feel it good to say that now, I just sit and watch and laugh inside watching her trying to coral her kids to do anything. Lol
Yesterday I was going to take skid 16 fishing. I waited for close to an hour and I just left him here. DW got mad but I told her that he knew several times when I was leaving and waited til the last minute to get ready. His loss, I caught 16 awesome blue gill, 8 large mouth bass, and 6 perch. Best fishing all year!
Finally... DH has started to
Finally... DH has started to "drink the Kool Aid"..
This happened after at 8:45 he sent sk12 up to get ready for bed - this is the usual schedule, usual time.. sk12 goes up, brushes his teeth and 10 minutes later comes back down and plops on the couch.. DH is like "why are you there and not in bed?"... Sk12 gives him his best deer in the headlights look and says "I was supposed to get in bed after I brushed my teeth?"
I literally laughed out loud and said "No... it's because he is waiting for you to MAKE him.."
I sat DH down and in a nice way pointed out how much better our evenings would be if we didn't have to deal with the bullshit and drama every night.. How the skids are 12 & 14.. they can tell time and need to learn how to manage their schedules and know the expectations.. how we should NOT have to tell them every night what their bedtime is and what they need to do.. how it's not a game of "is dad going to make us go to bed and remind us to brush our teeth tonight" - they need to JUST DO IT!!
Every night they wait and see.. it's always a test with them - everything is.. DH is finally catching on.. from making their beds to getting in them at night and everything in between.. they always want to see how far they can push and what they can negotiate..
So, DH put a stop to it. No more having to tell them the schedule - it is what it is and they know it. At 9pm, if sk12 isn't where he needs to be there is a warning and then a consequence. Period - end of discussion. So far, it's working well..