When you get divorced...you do shit seperate!
:?
WTF is goin on here???? Can someone please tell me that I'm not nuts for thinking and assuming once you get divorced you do skid stuff seperately???? Like prom pics!!!!! ugh :sick:
So FDH and I were discussing how uncomfortable these situations are, he has grandkids- we are ALL expected to go to ONE birthday party where we are ALL in the same room and it's awkward and uncomfortable for EVERYONE. WE are literally ALL segregated, we sit at our own tables and no one communicates with eachother. This, to me, is ridiculous! WHY WHY WHY keep putting ourselves through that?
FDH has his mind set that thats just how it has to be.........I don't think he has the balls to request we do it seperate. Maybe I'm just the evil future wife (NEVER stepmom :sick:) but this is retarded to me. When you get divorced, I thought it was "normal" or a given to do things seperate??????? :?
Who's with me?
I'm with you, most definitely
I'm with you, most definitely with the exception of major events like high school graduation or weddings. To me, once you get divorced, you're no longer a "family" unit and do things like birthdays or prom pics/senior pics SEPARATELY. The kids should LOVE that arrangement, because it obviously means more shit for them (2 parties, more gifts, etc). The only kids that tend to want joint parties with the divorced parents are those with fantasy thoughts that parents will reconcile or those that just want the feeling of their once happy family back.
Agreed! My SD asked to start
Agreed! My SD asked to start having events all together. When we got to the root of it though it was that she wanted her parents back together. I think it really depends on the frame of mind and what the situation is. We also spoke to several councelours and ALL of them told us it was a bad idea to have mixed events.
^^^Same here. SD14's
^^^Same here. SD14's therapist warned DH that since SD14's fragile state of mind centered around her parents reconciling, the more they did together as a "family" unit, the more damage was being done.
Get this - they promised SD14 at age 11 when they split up that they'd remain friends, remain in each other's lives as if they never split, they would just live separately. They wouldn't date others until SD was ready and they'd always attend her events together as her parents. THEY were the ones who created the fantasy scenario for SD a year before I even met him, so yeah, she views me and our marriage now as the ultimate enemy.
Everyone is different, they
Everyone is different, they have been divorced for 7 years, skid is almost 16 and can't get over it.
If people are uncomfortable
If people are uncomfortable and segregating into separate groups - it is wrong. Proof is in the pudding. It is not working. Seldom does.
Are you talking about the
Are you talking about the skids birthday parties? Or the grandkids' birthday parties?
If it's the skids, I absolutely agree. They should be separate.
If it's grandkids? I don't think any parent should have to schedule multiple parties for their child because her parents can't get along for a couple hours.
I agree, alot of times we
I agree, alot of times we have to suck shut up and that's what we have been doing. No one talks. We are polite and focus on the birthday kid. I'm ready to just quit going,fdh does the whole guilt trip and makes me feel like crap.I literally walk in with a smile and say hi to everyone and they dont aknowledge or say anything. It's very uncomfortable.the kids are little so they don't know any different. I can't help but wonder when they get older what they will think. Tension is so thick in the air
My ex-husband's family is
My ex-husband's family is like that. I used to HATE attending their events. His mother would make such a huge deal to make sure we came, but they were miserable.
I eventually stopped going altogether. My exH did too. After we divorced, she blamed me for "taking her son away from her" and keeping him away. She even went so far as to say that I "ruined her life" because I was absent for the all-important and rare family photos (that she does at least 6 times a year).
Some people just don't get it. And there's nothing you can do to change that. Do what you can to save your own sanity. It was easier for me to deal with my [then] DH being upset with me than dealing with all of his family's drama.
As the kids start to get older, not only will they pick up on the tension, but the adults will likely start competing for recognition/attention. I foresee this getting much worse, not better.
the adults got divorced, not
the adults got divorced, not the kids- the kids still have 1 family. why can't the adults be cordial, pleasant and not make the situation uncomfortable. do you expect the stepkids to have 2 weddings to accomodate your feelings. sorry these kids or young adults didn't ask for this. people need to put others above themselves and act like adults- it can be done if you choose.
treat the other people like the bank teller, hello, how are you, the weather is nice kinda thing.
people are too selfish to put others first and instead the kids suffer- and yes i have experience with both wasy- actually just attended a meeting last week to arranage volunteers for an event in which mom and stepmom were present- it wasn't uncomfortable, and everyone worked together
i don't like my husbands ex- but will spend the evening watching a baseball game with her for my ss
and i spent the afternoon this past weekend watching a sporting event with my ex for my kids-
it really upsets me when people put the hatred or dislike of the ex above the kids, you may as well tell the child- I hate so and so more than I love you
In my situation, BM would
In my situation, BM would cause scene after scene and alienate DH and/or I from the party, IF we were even invited. She has openly insulted and snubbed both DH and I in front of the skids on multiple occasions.
DH and I have no problem attending public events for the skids where BM will be as well. We've done this for soccer and cheerleading events before. We just don't coordinate with her and attend TOGETHER.
Weddings, graduations, etc are generally larger, more social events. Children's birthdays parties tend to be smaller and much more intimate. It doesn't matter how committed DH and I are to making these events pleasurable and "normal" for the skids .. BM creates the drama. Every time.
I question why you have to
I question why you have to watch sporting events WITH your respective exes? Not just being at the same event but actually sitting together. If it is because you all like each other and prefer it that way that' a good reason. But there is no reason anyone HAS to do this as an obligation.
Not wanting to be with someone is not necessarily hate. It is usually just indifference or utter boredom. If most people really enjoyed the company of their ex they'd probably still be with them.
I don't hate BM. I honestly don't wish her ill will. But I have no desire to spend any time with her. My ex stalked me for decades in spite of being married to someone else so I do avoid him at all costs.
I agree with you about being polite and civil but I'd add limited contact. Sort of like with the bank teller - although I haven't been inside a bank but 2-3 times in the past 30 years.
So are you saying the
So are you saying the grandkids should have two separate parties because the grandparents and stepgrandparents don't like to be in the same room together?
My own DH would rather eat
My own DH would rather eat broken glass than be anywhere his ex is. He would just give his granddaughter her gift at another time. No biggie.
Ok, let me clarify. Obviously
Ok, let me clarify. Obviously I'm not suggesting 2 weddings or something ridiculous like that. I'm talking small stuff like pictures and parties etc. Of course sporting events or graduations or weddings are different. We aren't forced to be in each others faces or its a special situation.
There is no reason we can't have our own parties for the grandkids separate- and I would be willing to host it myself if it meant we didn't have to painfully sit in a quiet, awkward tension filled room for 3 hours. It is so segregated and awkward. However if fdh is the one to do something different for the grandkids then he/we are the asses.... I don't care, he does apparently.
FdH and XW are not friends. We both get anxious and its uncomfortable for everyone.I just think life is too short to sit through this stuff with everyone unhappy.
Also, I wouldn't expect ad21 to go out of her way to accommodate us bc of the divorce and have 2 parties, I'm saying the kids get an extra party on our dime- better for everyone in my opinion.
Guess what? Someone above said it perfectly, skids who request everything together like sd15 are the ones who can't get over the divorce and still have hopes and dreams of their parents back together, these situations aren't good for anyone
I just think it's silly to
I just think it's silly to let this animosity extend through generations. If DH is uncomfortable going, he shouldn't have to go. If his daughter can't accept that it's an awkward situation for him and allow him to throw a separate event for her kids, that's also silly to me. Has anyone bluntly explained the problem, and proposed a reasonable solution to her?
I do understand that for her kids, she wants all of their grandparents there to celebrate. I don't know that it's necessarily a "parent trap" situation.
Honestly though, I think a dinner or special day with the grandparents should be enough. I think multiple parties for grandkids because grandparents can't get along with exes is excessive. Since when do kids even need a birthday party every year?
When I look back at my childhood, my birthday party memories were intimate gatherings with my immediate family at dinner, or parties with my friends. When I DID have parties, I'm not sure my grandparents even came; I was running around outside playing games with my friends! The memories I have with my grandparents are very special, but very separate from social gatherings.
Yea, I see your point. In
Yea, I see your point. In their family everyone gets a huge party for the kids and its everyone. I'm hoping the older they get it will change. It's intimate and its XW and fdh and their partners also the kids father's families who are all divorced and bring their partners as well. It's just weird, fdh doesn't want to change things so I guess I have a choice to make. I think it's kinda messed up that I'm "expected" to b there and I sit to the side and no one talks to me. FdH encouraged me to b fake and walk up to XW and strike up a conversation......hell to the NO
Yeah, um, hell no! I'm
Yeah, um, hell no! I'm extremely thankful that DH is on the same page as me on this .. we're pretty content doing smaller, intimate events and letting BM have all the "glory" (and expense) of the big parties.
As long as the kids know you're thinking of them and you don't forget the birthday, attendance at these overblown awkward parties isn't really necessary
I agree, we are definitely
I agree, we are definitely addressing this in therapy
4? I do not care what anyone
4? I do not care what anyone else does. Assuming they would keep doing the same 1 party and fdh and I would do a smaller Separate birthday celebration/ party call it what you want. It would just be us
I am in the same boat! My
I am in the same boat! My skids are sd33 an ss36. SD has 2 children and ss has 3. Dh and I have gone to th grandchildrens birthday parties for 7 years, even though dh's ex has been horrible to us and the kids over a 30 year period. We have swallowed our hurt and pride and attended every party that she has attended as well. However, recently the ex wife has gone off of her rocker yet again with nasty emails, group texts and phone calls. The adult skids see and agree that she is off the wall and are fed up with her as well. That being said, the day after fdh and I and sd as well received a horrible email from his ex, SD sends a "save the date" text for her child's Bday party. I have absolutely no intention of going, nor does dh, we are both scratching our heads as to why SD thinks we will. We would gladly put on a 2nd party in our home for the child, we have tried to be unaffected but we have reached our limit. We aren't worried about how the SS will take it but are thinking that SD will expect us to just pretend nothing has happened she is her mothers daughter.
I agree with some of the
I agree with some of the others why does these gkids need huge parties anyway?
Birthday parties can be done seperately whether it is just having cake and ice cream or taking the family out to dinner.
Weddings and graduations you will need to attend together but that doesn't mean you have to sit together. I am hoping that when SS marries he runs off to Vegas or something so I don't have to think about DH doing pictures with BM. Ugggg :sick:
Not sure if you saw my other
Not sure if you saw my other post- we had prom pics for sd15 and her bf and she made a huge deal, crying and all and took pics with just her parents. It was painfully awkward for everyone and neither fdh or bm wanted to take it. I was irate- she's almost 16 she knew what she was doing. I'm still upset about that. makes me sick :sick:
She got the family picture she always wanted to feed her dream of her parent s back together
Feeding the dream... Yes
Feeding the dream... Yes pictures of skid and just the parents.
I have 2 kids that are married and I told each of them "your dad attending is one thing but DO NOT expect me to do "family" pictures with him because it is not happening"!
They could take as many pictures of him and them but I would not be included I would "wait my turn".
When SS gets married I will be furious if DH takes "family" pictures with BM.
ever since i met my dh the ex
ever since i met my dh the ex would have parties for my sd and my dh would only take a present and leave. When i came really into the picture we started doing parties..and bm stopped, since the money dh used to giver her for parties was now use to do our own for sd. I think it should be separate...I also remember one time when my sd at the time not married with dh..had a recital, I didn't attend, when i call him...he had taken all the family out to dinner...and guess why??? Because sd wanted it that way....ohhhhh it would bother me so much..caused problems too, now he looks back and knows he was a fool to fall into the kids illusion of having there parents back together.