SD's baby daddy relapsed and I'm just negative nancy
What in the F@#$?????
Quick background:
Older SD and her son lived with us, she got pregnant again by loser boyfriend who was hooked on heroin. Hid the pregnancy for 6 months, now SD20 (at the time) and her 2 crying sick kids lived with us, she wasn't a great parent, didn't help clean and did nothing to better herself or her situation. We were all miserable, I gave FDH an ultimatum. She gets her shit together and her and her kids get their own place or I'm getting my own apartment. I can't live here anymore. She makes bad decisions and daddy bails her out every, fucking time.
Fast forward 8 months later, She got her GED, got on assistance, got a place 45 min away and applied to a community college. Things were really working out for her and we are ALL much happier living separately.
Heroin addict baby dad serves time for robbery, she bails him out with her tax money and they live happily in an apartment an hour away. Awesome
(there has been a number of idiotic decisions between this year and a half all this has happened. Like free ride to community college but took out loans anyway to live the good life and buy a NEW car which got her kicked off of assistance etc.)
SD23 calls DH at 11pm last night BAWLING. Baby daddy left her again, he's on meth now and hasn't been home since Sunday. She can't eat, can't sleep, all she does is cry and she can't do this alone. She can't afford anything by herself blah blah blah.
I feel bad for her to an extent. No I don't want her to go through this but her decisions have led up to this. But I'm just a bitch for thinking that way apparently. Did we all not think this was going to happen??? WE knew it would. DH even told her by choosing to be with him she is choosing a very difficult life for herself and her kids. Of course she's only telling DH part of the story bc how the F*** would you not know your man is on meth or at least something was seriously wrong with him.?????!!!!! Thats not a drug thats like oh, he's just distant and depressed.....thats what she said!!! She had to have known he was on something but hid it from everyone. He's been to the house twice in the past month and both times I told DH he was on something....did anyone bat an eye??? Nope because I'M JUST NEGATIVE WHEN IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIS KIDS!!!!
DH is trying to convince SD to use her tax money to move closer to us so we can help with her kids.......
So sick of it all. Same bullshit 2 years later right back at square one.
Don't get me wrong, I understand when your kid is hurting, you hurt but where does responsibilities for bad decisions come in???
I'm also having super anxiety, I'm Very pregnant, staying home with baby when she is born and maybe working VERY part time a few months after. I have this strong intuition that I'm going to be stuck watching her kids on spring break and summer break bc poor SD23 is working so hard and has no one to watch her brats bc she got kicked off daycare assistance for her other stupid choices. I refuse. Hell no, I will not be the built in babysitter bc I'm home with my baby. Fuck that.
That will be another world war III fight.
Step life sucks and so does Dh's who refuse to see situations for what they are.
I'm NOT willing
I'm NOT willing
I fear that the plan is to
I fear that the plan is to dump those kids on you if he's telling her to move closer so you two can help. That's usually guilty dad code for "I'll make SM take care of it".
You're going to have to put your foot down HARD the first time they try getting you to "help out". She can go get a job somewhere like the YMCA where they have child care on site and she can bring her kids to work with her. When she is at school, she will have to join a daycare co-op. She also needs to re-apply for assistance and file for CS (not that I think loser baby daddy will pay it...but still...)
WE did that for her the first
WE did that for her the first time too. Had to hold her hand, give her #'s etc to get her out of the house. DH "felt sooooo bad" Until he realized how awesome it was not having them there. Now he's patting himself on the back bc she *was* doing so well on her own thanks to him :sick:
DH needs to stop rescuing her from the shitty situations she gets herself in
exactly, they ARE wild. The
exactly, they ARE wild. The little girl just turned 3, her daycare she's at now writes her up all the time bc she's naughty, doesn't listen, share and steals peoples food.......I'm NOT watching them.
I just wish DH would stop "feeling so bad" when his daughter continues to put herself in this position.
She's out of school, completed her program but has failed her licensing test so many times that if she fails one more time she needs to repeat the entire year long program.......She will never leave him. He will go to jail again, get sober bc he's locked up, she will bail him out with the $ she doesn't have and the cycle will start over.
DH said to me that I'm just mean...because I knew this would happen. Wow. Smh
Her choices led her here, she
Her choices led her here, she needs to deal with it, or she will never start choosing better.
You need to be having a sit
You need to be having a sit down with your husband and getting some things straight right now.
YOU have a baby on the way, this baby is also a priority. This is an OURS baby, SD is an adult, your husband should not be bending over backwards for adult children. He is about to start all over again with a new baby, hate to say it but minor children should ALWAYS be the priority. Adults can provide for themselves, her choices have caused this and she needs to deal with it.
Now if your husband wants to help his daughter out thats fine, but he needs to do so at a distance. SD23 should only move if she cannot afford to live where she is living. And she needs to move to somewhere she can afford to live and somewhere nearby her work not nearer to you. Uprooting her and the kids and bringing them near you is just going to make SD23 more dependant on daddykins and that is not happening.
If you are in an ok financial situation then your husband can always offer SD23 a small loan, maybe enough to sort a deposit on a smaller rental property that she can pay him back interest free as and when she can. But that amount needs to be £2,000 or less. That way he is helping her but he is helping her stay independant. If your finances arent ok to allow that then dont offer her financial help. He needs to agree not to co sign anything for her or make himself liable on her behalf.
The best support a parent can give is emotional support, at the end of the day SD has taken heroine/meth dude back once already, he could show up next month and this whole drama starts over again. Another reason why not to part with any cash, you dont want to end up secretly funding meth heads habit.