tell sd16 that being a bridesmaid means she is standing up for the bride.. that by having that position of honor she is stating that she approves of the marriage/wedding between the bride and the groom. That she will never EVER be able to complain about you as a step mother, because she APPROVED before GOD AND MAN you becoming her step mother! }:)

That right there ought to have her screaming that she does NOT want to be in the wedding

Or have her stand on Dad's side.

I'd kick them all out and only have my bio and DH could pick 1 dude.

Personally, I'd have a woman to woman talk with this girl. Tell her you get the feeling that she isn't fond of your upcoming marriage, see how she reacts. I'd ask leading questions to see if she even WANTS to be in it and if she doesn't, set her free. Tell her you at least hope to see her in the crowd cuz you're gonna be around for a hot minute.

I would not have any of them as bridesmaids. Have them take another role in the wedding - handing out roses to the parents of the bride/groom or hand programs to the guests as the enter the ceremony. Give them a role that will not hurt their feelings or ruin your wedding pictures with her sour face.

This is your wedding - you cannot exclude one step and include the other. It should be both or none as bridesmaids. Your day should be special by having the people that are truely happy for you in your bridal party. You are setting yourself up for more drama and or hurt feelings on your special day.

Who suggested they be bridesmaids? If it was "assumed" then speak no more of it nor mention it again. Just my thought. I am in the same situation as you and would never think of asking her to be in the wedding when she hates me. I will be disappointed seeing a smug unhappy face in our wedding ablum for years to come. Just my opinion.

I would make your bio the MOH and the SDs honorary bridesmaids. Basically, they would wear a special color or even a special dress but not stand up with you. That way you could choose friends of yours to be included. I have 3 sisters and my oldest sister did this for her wedding. It was her way of including us without having to exclude her friends. Ah we did do jobs like man the guest book and things like that.

im a little amazed by all this honestly. My wedding is weeks away and i have gone out of my way to include in laws ans skids. I had all of our kids names engraves in little hearts to include on the cake, my in laws who yes there has been drama with but i resolved it with help from my FDH are bridesmaids. my sister is holding the ceremony and my a few friends r also in my bridal party. the bridesmaids/groomsmen wont be even. It wasnt at my first wedding either. We just had them walk down seprately instead of with eachother. Im also planning on doing a cutesy "family portrait" for the wedding... sand handprints solidified by plaster. its cute. lol. granted the skids r younger 8 and 6 mine r 5 2 and 1 but still. When you marry someone with kids you are marrying ALL OF THEM. in laws are one thing cuz they dont live with you, but they are kids. they dont know better. they obviously werent consulted on if they wanted or could accept this wedding. and you are beicoming a part of the FAMILY. you your kids his kids a FAMILY so im sorry if i sound crude here, but when you both have kids theis is not just YOUR day. its a day of joining 2 families into one. sounds like youve still got some time before your wedding and airing the issues is a good idea. no it prob wont be pleasant. i know mine wasnt. I listened to the issues they claimed to have and even though i didnt entirely agree with them and part of me wanted to get defensive, for the sake of the FAMILY i sucked it accepted their right to feel hwever they felt and apologized and told them i understand and i will avoid those issues in the future. you are not 2 single people starting out ona life together. you have kids. its not just YOUR day. you are merging everything and becoming a FAMILY. Seriously. like i said, not trying to sound harsh or offensive, but you need to really evaluate how you are handling all this. Good luck.

This is obviously not a first marriage so why all the crap about a zillion bridesmaids, etc? Just have a maid of honor and forget all the other stuff.

look. im just being honest here. im not saying the kids should dictate the wedding, but as a responsible ADULT in the situation you should at least have the common sense to talk to the SD I mean dude, shes 16 her dad is getting remarried and youre making light of it as though shes a snot nosed brat. For her this is the reality of their divorce and that her parents will never be together again and she most likely feels threatened by not just the step mom but step siblings now dividing her dads attention. its ridiculous. Yes she is a child and a hormonal teenager that doesnt know her ass from a hole in the ground but as the adult its your responsibility to deal with it. and dont sit here all coy trying to say that oh well she knows what shes doing, wtf did ANY of us kno at 16?! and furthermore, with kids of your own surely you can understand y trying to reach out to the skids is important. how would you feel if your SO was saying and feeling these things about YOUR kids. SHe is a minor. you are taking on a parental role even if it is only a day or 2 a week any no this isnt just about you. when there are minor children involved it means you are both responsible to all of them. his hers doesnt matter. its naive to think that his kids wont be a part of your family or that your kids wont be a part of his. again. im not saying any of this to be rude or crass im just trying to point out some of the facts here. This forum is for the sake of advice and secondary opinions and to help you gain new perspective. this is why im saying any of this. I hope that even if its not agreed with it can still be taken into consideration because like it or not this is the reality. your FIRST wedding was about YOU. THIS is NOT. u have kids he has kids you are like it or not a parental figure to his kids and him to yours. your relationships effect your kids. PERIOD! we are the adults/ they are the kids. we have to accept responsibility and you knew going in about their kids and vice versa. you have to take that responsibility seriously. you cant separate the parents from the kids completely. you ARE becoming a FAMILY> FAMILY. FAMILY. i ant say it enough. YOU anre NOT the only people involved in this relationship. disagree all you want but for your sake take it into consideration. in the end its YOUR decision, just remember that YOU are not the only person effected by YOUR choices. again. Good luck. I honestly wish you all the best and i hope you can work through these issues. Everyone deserves a happy ending.

Well, goingcrazy, here's my 0.02, based on being a bride just this last January, with bios and skids...

It was extremely important to ME that we included all 4 kids in the ceremony. All the while planning, my DH maintained all he really wanted was to be married, Vegas/courthouse, didnt matter to him. It was all on me. So, I came up with the grand plan to have the ceremony here in our home, and we had a catered bar and dinner afterwards. My two bios stood with me...it was important to my son13 to walk me in and "give me away" my daughter11, held my vows, and each flanked me while we were saying our vows. DH kids also stood at his sides. The ENTIRE time we were saying our vows, his daughter16 was rolling her eyes, tapping her foot, using every demonstration she knew how to let EVERYONE KNOW just how "over it" she was. Dh son11, was his ADHD self, couldn't stand still, pay attention and basically too, just couldn't wait for it all to end. Immediately after the ceremony broke and we ate, they were off with friends and couldn't have cared less about what the evening was about.

So. My wedding was meaningful and "mostly" wonderful. Hindsight? We should have taken the money we spent and just gone off and got hitched and had a honeymoon. Instead, I had been so adament that it was for All Of us...when, it really wasnt. The skids didnt give a shit at all....and that has left me angry and resentful which has definitely carried over into the entire blended family relationship.

My best suggestion is this...DO WHAT YOU WANT. YOU.DO.FOR.YOU. Because, whether she dresses up cute and stands with you or not she's either on board with the marriage or she's not, and she's going to find every opportunity to let you know it. Don't give her the stage to make that demonstration bigger than it will already be.

Either that, or, just flat out ask her what SHE WANTS to do and be prepared to live with it.

I truly hope your wedding turns out to be a happy day with no regrets! Best of luck wrapping this up and congratulations on the marriage.

Elope. You and DH, your DD and the SDs can just go to Lake Tahoe. your DD can stand by your side and your SDs can stand at their dad's side.

No fuss, ny muss, no drama.

Or do the above at the alter using your current wedding plans. Your spawn stands by you, your DH's spawn stand by him. Everyone is included, you don't have to consume your bridesmaids slots for your SDs.

No need to inject drama where none is necessary.

This serves to include all of the kids but also places the difficult SD-16 and any drama she may cause clearly on her dad's side of the party so that all of the guests will clearly understand where the blame for any bullshit should reside.

I get so sick of "a 16 year old is just a child". Not if they have half a brain. I just watched a lot of WWII stuff yesterday. More than a few 16 year olds took part in that conflict.

I am older. I know more than a few who married at 16. Not that I would encourage anyone to do so. But a 16 year old is not a 5 year old who needs to be led by the hand and catered to. A 16 year old can be tried in court as an adult in many cases.

When you marry someone with children yes you do have to accept the fact that these children exist. In the best circumstances the skids can be a positive addition to the family bringing joy and happiness. In the worst circumstances they can bring misery and loathing.

A person is pretty much who they are at 16. An addict yes can get clean, a criminal can be reformed but the basic personality is pretty much fixed. I am close to 70. I still see many women that I've know since we were 16. Pretty much everyone is still the same person at heart. People have lived all over the world, married, divorced, had children, had grandchildren, had great success, suffered failure, etc but the core person is still there.

If the 16 year old is a bitch who tells you how much she hates you, you do NOT have to include her in the wedding. period.dot.

She does not have to be there if you don't want her. You are the bride. You pick the bridesmaids. End of story.

It's not just YOUR day it's the day when 2 families are being officially joined together. If you have that shitty of an attitude towards your stepchildren, maybe you shouldn't be getting married. And she doesn't seem fond of you either. Remember she is a child YOU are an ADULT. In THIS situation she will always be the child and you the adult, that's just life. Quit being so selfish. Once you are married you are "stuck" with this blended family typically forever, but with an attitude like yours, is having a tantrum over a wedding that won't last really worth it? Best of luck to your step daughter. Sounds like she got a shitty deal when daddy picked you!!

WOW. I really am at a loss of words right now. I can't believe this!

"SKIDS"?!?! Seriously?!? How derogatory can you get? Disgusting. They are children and I feel sorry for all of them being stuck with crappy step moms like you all. Seriously. I'm sorry but I just can't understand how yall have gotten this far with such craptacular attitudes.

I joined this group because I was in search of step moms who actually give a shit about their step kids, and so far I've found more a-holes who pretty much hate their step kids. It really is disappointing to read the awful awful things y'all have to say about those kids and the attitudes you have about including them in things.

I can totally understand bio mom issues and actually thought I would find more about that than anything else. But nope. I tell ya though, you've made me hug my daughter harder and be thankful she has a step mom like me and not like you. Some of y'all even make my stepmom look good and she was a monstrosity of evil.

Karma is a b***h and I hope y'all get whats coming to you soon. Disgusted and Disappointed.

I would not have anyone in my wedding who I did not want in my wedding. I was going to suggest you make your bio the flower girl but I guess she may be a little old for that. I'm sure your DH will want his kids in the wedding if your kid is in the wedding so I see his side too. That's a very tough one! When DH and I got engaged, we had a LOT of drama to deal with regarding issues such as this, so ya know what we did- we went away ALONE and did it all by ourself and had the BEST time of our lives!

This is why we went to Italy to get married, and left the drama all behind. It was amazing and all about us. I wore and amazing Maggie Sotero wedding gown, flowers the works and we were married in an amazing 13th century building in Italian with an interpreter.

I feel for you! You are in very tight place. But I can tell you, I did wedding planning for 20yrs. If she is drama now she will make you miserable on your fabulous day and you will regret having her a part of it.

It might be time for dad to tell her the way it is and they way it is going to be. If she reacts poorly and like a selfish brat. Then he needs to tell her she has made her decision. She will have to live with it. Wash his hands of it and realize he cannot make her be the person he expects and wants her to be.

Then plan your wonderful day without her.