First, this is to be expected. He had no rules or boundaries so obviously he will resist.

Your new partner is wrong for taking on any disciplinary role, that is yours not hers. She is the adult and should never say anything to hurt the kid's emotion, self esteem, or well being.

What to do now? Give him the space he needs. Remind him that although he can run to mom for leniency and pity, he will always have a place with you. Even if he doesn't respond. Let him know where his home is. I honestly think the three of you need to sit down and discuss core issues. Be fair, you new partner CANNOT be cruel to your child just because she doesn't agree on how he was raised.

I know exactly where you are coming from and agree with simply_monica 100%. I am both a BM and SM. My DH and I have had a blended family for eight years with my BD18, his DD16 and our BD6. Everything was great until my oldest became a teenager. Very long story here as well so I won't get into details but this is the basics. She got mad at my husband for discipling her all the time. I would constantly tell him to let me handle it. She got fed up and left to live with her dad. I was quite hurt and would cry myself to sleep at night. I would text her every day just to say hi and that I loved her; nothing big. Just letting her know I was there. Essentially I gave her space. I felt very torn and felt like I was going to be forced to choose between my daughter and my husband. Noone should have that kind of power. Well, things are starting to turn around. This past weekend she asked me to go shopping with her for her graduation. Tonight she had dinner at my house with her grandparents. Her DD and SM came over so we could celebrate her birthday. My husband came home in time for the birthday festivities. She was actually quite civil to him and even thanked him for her gift. I am also fortunate that my ex and I get along and he doesn't put up with her shit either. At least in my case, time is starting to heal all wounds. I know it also helped that she spoke with our pastor a few times on her own to help her sort stuff out.
While it sounds like your son provoked your wife, unless safety is an issue, stepparents really need to stay away from the discipline area. That's where a lot of problems start. Like I said, I am also a SM and it is hard to bite my tongue sometimes but I do, and we are all the better for it.

You have a worthless POS son. Sorry to be so blunt. But I guess you already know that. Good luck - you are so going to need it.

He'll be in jail eventually.

She asked him to put his cereal bowl in the dishwasher, fair enough. His response, you 2 f...annoy me all the time. And after he spoke like that you decided to up and go pick up your daughter. You on the way out the door did not even have time to say to your son, who do you think your talking to like that, I'll deal with this when I get back. You had time all right, and had you said those few words your wife wouldn't have had to. But then again, you are scared of him aren't you. He might stop talking to you or go running off to mummy again, so you do nothing, well nothing except give your son all the power to emotionally blackmail you. Your son is not to blame for your failure as a parent to discipline him and teach him basic manners, your wife is not to blame for your failure to support her and for your complete lack of respect for her in allowing your son to speak like that and not say one word to him. YOU caused all of this to happen because you did not take the responsibility of raising your son to be an independent well mannered young man because it was too hard. Yes I know his mum has no boundaries, I noticed you threw some blame her way too. Well it doesn't matter what goes on in her house, your supposed to tell your son, what behaviour is or is not acceptable in YOUR house. But you ran away from the responsibility, and now you are going to runaway from this relationship because your ex now wants child support. If you want to fix this, really want to fix this, man up. Tell your wife your sorry YOU LET it come to this and hope she forgives you, tell your son if he doesn't come home today and tow the line, then he can stay with his mother for good, you are not running a half way house for him to keep running backwards and forwards disrupting everyone's lives. Then stick to it and pay child support. Other people manage to do that without splitting up. By the way the splitting up thing has me intrigued. If you cannot afford to pay your ex child support for your son, how are you going to pay your current partner that you wantt to split with child support for THREE children.

"I know that I was not strict enough, I was afraid that he would leave and not come back."---- it's called guilty parenting. Never ends well.
Echo is completely right.
You're poor wife. Prob feels extremely guilty, like its her fault he left. And here you are resenting her. Start there by letting her know YOU have been wrong. And YOU should have been parenting him better. She needs your support. If you don't be careful in this situation you will loose her also.
Send that text--- "I love you. I will always love you. You cannot disrespect my wife in my home EVER again. If you feel you cannot live with that, then that's your choice." He's prob going to choose his mom. All you can do is pray that one day he will come around.

Or you could just choose to live with an entitled brat and support his lazy angry butt for the rest of your life-- pretty much alone, without that sweet wife you once had.
I'm not tryin to be hard on you... At least you admit you were wrong too. But please stop resenting your wife. It's not her fault! She needs you as well as you need her right now. Be together and be strong. Unity in front of the kids. Always!

His wife might feel guilty, then again she might feel 100% relieved to see the back of the over indulged little brat. I am sure this is not the one and only time this crap has happened, and it's not the one and only time the father chose to ignore it.

His wife is too strict, his ex is too slack, and what is he. Too scared. Seems like the only proper parenting this kid was getting was from this man's current wife and he is resentful and mad towards her. She is more than likely fed up to the back teeth with Disney dad and his son. She has 4 kids and a husband who is too scared to pull his son into line. He's hardly giving her a good life is he. And he's mad. The cereal bowl was not the problem, just the latest in a long line of problems.

Folks, are we being crewed here? This guy seems awfully similar to Tom, a biodad with head-in-the-sand parenting...

I don't know I moved out forever over taking the trash to the curb (SM woke me up wanted me to to do it now, I wanted to do it on my way to school in the morning) it went from that to me telling my dad to tell "his wife" to stay out of my face and keep her hands off my things, and I'm packing.
I did was gone in an hour and never went back.(I was 18 worked full time and going to college, paid for my food, phone line, insurance and rent)
As for if he ends up at BM's for the next 2 years then gets booted there and wants daddy to kiss his homeless ass do what mine did, "you made your bed lie in it" and I did I've been self supporting even when starving, and believe me working fast food was breakfast lunch and dinner, ramen was a treat. they will sink or swim you don't have to hold their hands, in fact I really think it's better if you stop saving children from their choices early on. Natural consequences kinda teach you good lessons.

And that Lalena 75 is the root of this entire problem. Dad is trying to save this kid from making mistakes and if the kid manages to make those mistakes anyway dad is ready with the excuses for him. The boy has lived his entire life on and off with the influence of BM. Well past his formative years. The kid knows the score, two more years living with her is not going to make him any worse than he is now. But if dad lets him suffer the consequences of making the choice to live with bio mum, then the boy might actually have a chance of becoming a man. Mum has told the boy at 18 your own your own. You pay your own way. Now dad just has to let that happen, he has to tell his son if he chooses to stay with mum then the consequences will be pay your own way, uni, car, phone whatever at 18. Or dad can be the number 1 sucker the boy knows he is, and allow this boy to live footloose and fancy free with mum for two years, then just get dad to fork over the cash. Dad will do it, I know it, dad knows it, but worst of all, the boy knows it. This kid is playing dad, and dad is by his failure to let the boy fall, encouraging it.

Maybe it would be better for you to live on your own with your own kids and then maybe you would parent them yourself. $160,000 CS for 1 kid and DD goes to an elite camp. Sounds like you can afford military or boarding school for the boy.

sounds like my DSO. He is scared shitless to have to live all by himself and raise his own kids even though that would have been the best thing for all of his kids.

I was in that same situation!
With me being the strict SM......disneyDad for SO and absent BM to make it all one big dysfunctional sandwich. After 3 years SO decided that coddling and spoiling his kids meant more to him than I did, so out the door I went! I admitted my mistakes and where I was too strict and did some disengaging and stepping back to let SO parent, but it didn't matter in the end.
At least Fairlakes is recognizing what he is doing and seems genuine about wanting to fix it.....you could smack SO in the face with it and he will not admit in a million years that anything is amiss with his parenting skills.

P.S
Lay off that troll crap. We don't get a lot of male posters on this site and we don't need catty comments driving newbies away.

Dark star, I hope he is recognising it. Really recognising it. My concerns are, his sons reaction to conflict is to run away, something his father admits to and says he doesn't like. Yet the father himself is talking about running away when he says if the son doesn't come back he will have to pay child support therefore get a smaller place and split from his partner. That's running away. I also note he says he blames himself, but he blames his wife for this. He blames his son for this, he blames his ex for this. He feels the victim in this, the meat in the sandwich, caught in the middle. The sooner he realises that he is not a victim, that he is the one who put himself in the middle because he was too scared to take a firm hand with his son because the son might get mad at him, might not like him, or run home to mummy, leaving daddy to pay child support the better for all concerned.

He seems to have an answer for everything. That bothers me. At first he said he couldn't deal with the cereal bowl issue because he had to rush off to collect his daughter. When a couple of us said he needed to stop and take the time he came back with it was a four hour drive and he had left himself 3 hrs and 45 minutes to get there so ge had to speed. When I said he should have acknowledged his sons language and as he was flying out the door and said to his son, he would deal with this when he got back, he responded with he had spoken to his wife and son before he left for around 45 minutes and even drove his son to bms house. Something is not tying together. So does he get it, I don't know to be honest.

Is your wife too strict? Or are you looking to share the shoulder of blame? Your wife made a request, she didn't punish him or hurt him in any way. And I don't agree about children following our rules. In my home I do the majority of cleaning so therefore I enforce the rules not adhere to them. Having a similar wet blanket for a husband I thoroughly empathise with your wife. My husband is terrified of losing his daughter, not going to happen, he has more money than BM. Message to your wife. Disengage from your husbands son. Enjoy your marriage and leave the bowl exactly where he left it. For as long as it takes for your husband (who probably loves you) to stop grow a pair and treat you with the care and respect you deserve. Hubby make some rules you can both live with and disagree in private. If you value your marriage that is. I know this is an old post but I hope you read this. I am in the same position as your wife and I am soon to start my new life. Not because I don't love my husband but because I don't respect him anymore. Sorry if I sound harsh. But second marriages are just not given the time and effort to maintain them. Hope by now you have resolved things