New here - desperate for help re: my sons happiness
Hi,
I am looking for some advice to try and smooth our lives out. I am in a relationship with someone who has 2 daughters, aged 9 and 11. My son is 11. Recently he's displayed jealousy and insecurity, and I have tried talking to him and have made every effort to make him feel included. The problem is, he had a lot of social difficulties from a young age which school, myself and outside help improved but I don't want him to take any steps back, particularly as he starts secondary school in September.
My partners daughters are far more 'full on' than he is, my son likes a bit of quiet and when we're all together that doesn't happen, and then sometimes it ends with him getting aggressive because he doesn't know how else to express his emotions. I don't want to tell him to go to his room for quiet, or exclude him, yet he can't cope with the girls being so gregarious. When he has his upset, my partner then takes it personally and thinks it's him upsetting my son when it's not. I feel like I'm in the middle constantly, trying to keep everyone happy yet not succeeding.
I love my partner so much, we don't live together and have no plans to at the moment but when the 5 of us are together it's harder for me and my son. The girls love me, that is not a problem, and I love them too. I just feel sorry for my boy who is obviously finding it harder by the day to adapt. We did have a holiday for a few days in April which went really well so I know that they can get along ok. I'm just sick of feeling so torn.
Obviously my son is my priority, and I have talked to him about my relationship and the girls. I told him that I want it to continue, but that I don't want him to feel left out or unloved. I have made every effort to make sure he feels included lately, have asked if he wants to sit with me etc - as the girls always want me to be next to them but I have given my kid first choice always. I am now wondering if we should have a 'family' sit down and talk about what we need to do. I know if I asked my son what to do, he'd say he'd prefer it if it was just me and him again, but I also have said to him that I can't be alone forever, and that I love my partner who makes me very happy. We've established that he doesn't dislike the girls, but that they do his head in because they are really bossy etc (normal females then!) so is it just a case of get used to it, or is there something I can do to make things easier and less painful for us?
Oh and to add to the complications of course my partner is as protective over his children as I am over mine, so I have to be careful about criticism - so any advice would be exceptionally welcome at this moment in time!
Please help - I really would be very grateful!
Does your son interact well
Does your son interact well with any other kids? Sounds like you need to have a sitdown with your son. He needs to understand that your partner and partner's kids will not take his place. He needs to know that whatever happens, you will always be there for him. He needs reassurance from you first.
I would also talk to your school and outside help about his social difficulties about - what things can be done to help him cope with gregarious people. Your son will have to learn to deal with different types of people in secondary school and beyond. He needs the right tools in place.
What type of issue does he have? Are there support groups for his issue that can give you resources to help him out of his shell?
Hi, Yes we have received
Hi,
Yes we have received outside help and he has done social skills courses at school throughout the past 2/3 years and had one on one help too for social skills. He's done brilliantly and there is a huge change. Actually, I realised last night that for the first 5 months of my relationship things were going along fine but then I had to go into hospital. I had an op, and was out of action for a month. Since then the upset has began, I can't think of a time before then that my son had these 'tantrums' but he does only have them when the girls are around. It's like sibling rivalry and I think he feels like he's left out and treated differently, so just finds something to create a fuss about. I always tell him I love him, I always show him affection with or without the girls being there and I do talk to him about the situation, that's why I'm at a loss as to what to do next. Maybe it's something that will just pass in time, but I want to make sure I do all I can possibly do. But you're right, he is going to have to interact with all kinds of people and change, so in the long run this all may be good for him. Very hard for me though at the moment.
Absolutely, we have lots of
Absolutely, we have lots of one on one time and do all the things that we've always done. He is obviously just struggling hugely with sharing me even though it isn't full time.
Thankyou to all who have taken the time to post to me, and if you think of anything else please feel free to advise me!