Ahhh, shit...I just thought of something
I've been married to H for 5 years. He has the SD11 and I have a BD12. We have a BM that I really don't care for.
Monday, shit went down...SD is broken because H ignores her. (He does, she's really invisible) huge deal, kid crying, H not really giving a shit, I'm fed up with the way SD treats me and sometimes my BD.
I'm hoping SD tells her mom what it's like and what happened, BUT
BM twice has called my H and needed to talk with him in private, so they met at a a local cafe'. 1st time it was to sort out some lies that my ex-H told BM who instead of meeting the woman who was going to live in the same house as her kid half the time in person, she went to my ex-H, not knowing he was a pathalogical liar and a drug addict(now she knows). 2nd time was some BUMB SHIT about SD saying she didn't want to come to our house because things weren't fair. (Damn right things aren't fair..I love my BD and I spend time with her and I take care of her and we have a great relationship while H only speaks to SD if he needs to command her to go to bed or take out the trash). Turns out SD just said that to make her mom feel better.
But the thing is, I told my H after the last time that there would be NO MORE MEETING, that BM could come to our house to talk or call H like a normal person.
I CAN'T DICTATE WHAT ANOTHER ADULT DOES!!! And that bugs the shit out of me.
I already can't stand how the bitch(BM)and H call each other about their adult son. I can't stand how she wears low-cut shirts and shows us her tits, either. (I have a way better build than she does, but that's beside the point). I can't stand that when something goes wrong in BM's life she talks to H about it-a death of a 95 year old relative, a break-up with the man she cheated on H with, everything in her new house broke all at once.
I have told H I think BM's too intrusive, and he said I talk to my ex more than he talks to his.
He says I'm jealous, and I guess I am. I guess it bothers me that he LETS her talk to him about things that aren't about their children. She has parents she can talk to and 1 friend and a sister, so why my husband? I just think it is disrespectful on both of their parts.
But, they do need to talk about SD, because they both have damaged her and now she is impossible to be around much of the time.
I'm really hoping that M takes SD full time, because H is guilty of emotional neglect. But I'm afraid that BM doesn't want SD either. She told me herself that she only works (she is self-employed) on the week she has SD because that week is shot anyway.
I'm glad that I have had a breakthrough with SD and now she and I are on the same page, but it pisses me off that both of her parents are so fucking selfish. Plus, I get the brunt of SD's bad moods because I am not her parent and she doesn't care as much if she pisses me off or hurts me.
This whole situation isn't fair to SD for sure, but it's not fair to me, either.
And I think it's total bullshit that BM insists they meet at a cafe' when they need to talk. And I know she eats it up that he agrees to it because that's the kind of person she is.
My mom was the only person
My mom was the only person that got my distress phone calls or got cried on by me even after I was married and raising kids. I was her bd but in all reality she could have thought the same as you like why does sterling always cry on me or take it out on me but like cheri said, they pent it up until they're with the person they trust the most. Maybe you can see that and know that sd finds you her strong tower to run to in the storm her parents are creating around her.
My daughter has told me that
My daughter has told me that sometimes when she gets mad at me - it's not me. It's that she has something else she's upset about, but she knows she can be pissy with me and I'll still love her and be there for her. And ya know... that's okay with me.
I agree with you Jellybeam
I agree with you Jellybeam that BM is out of line and DH is most certainly out of line for allowing her to be so intrusive. He should not be her shoulder to cry on about her relatives, her breakups, her household issues. She is doing it because he lets her, but, I am sure, like you said, she probably eats it up because she enjoys attracting attention away from another woman's husband. She would be very dense to not know what she is doing so I would bet she is fully aware and loves every minute he devotes to her. He needs to stop it all and set up major boundaries and then demand that she respect them when she starts pulling her crap to continue on with her behavior.
Yeah, she is a bitch like
Yeah, she is a bitch like that. But H is an asshole, too. I think he does that shit just to piss me off.
By the way, I DO realize this current situation isn't about me, it's about SD, and I should stop thinking about myself, BUT I CAN'T!!
Know what H tried to f-ing pull the other day? SD got a new dog at her mom's house and she brought it over so SD could go with her to the groomer's and H tried to tell me that he was going to let them take our dog, too. WTF? Luckily the dogs didn't get along, so it didn't happen.
I've had this whole talk with him about promising to love and honor me (is in the vows we took) but he doesn't. maybe he IS just a wicked man.
My ex-H has a wife now and I respect them enough to call only about BD, keep it brief, and let them live their lives.
I wish I knew a way to let BM know she's pissing me off without her relishing the fact. I think she thought H would always be around if she ever found herself alone and now she's alone.
I hear you on the asshole
I hear you on the asshole husband. Mine can be a colossal prick and I truly do think he likes it. So much has transpired between BM and us over the last year or so that he no longer deals with her like he used to, still lets her text and call and attempt to stir up shit too often, but he at least doesn't do all the bullshit back and forth like he use to. Before, ugh, yes, he let her be way too pushy and he just took it because of skid. And OH HELL NO HE DIDNT!!!! Your dog?!? With BM?!? I would have had a fucking conniption fit like never before!! How insane! I sometimes think my husband is wicked as well, like how can a gown man really be that cluelessly callous and selfish? The only solution I have found that works for me in regard to BM is TOTAL disengagement. I have NOTHING to do with her and now that she cannot intrude upon me, use me, abuse me, that bothers her more than anything.
It's not just about SD. It is
It's not just about SD. It is about you too. Don't feel guilty for thinking about yourself. Your SD is in a bad situation, but still the entire world does not revolve around her.
It's sad that it sounds like your DH and the BM both do not want to parent the girl. I have seen a lot of situations similar to this, but normally only one parent checks out, not both. For us, BM is barely in the picture but my DH is very involved. It's hard to imagine feeling like one of your parents doesn't want you- I can't even imagine feeling that NEITHER parent wants you.
As far as the relationship between your DH and the BM, yes I agree she is being very intrusive. Unfortunately, the only one who can really put an end to that is your DH. We had the same problem with BM calling DH for every little freakin issue (same kinds of things- she had an uncle who died, she called DH. Her heater broke, she called DH.) Finally he had to straight up tell her not to call unless it's about SD because it's not appropriate.
I actually went outside when
I actually went outside when she pulled up and make a huge deal out of her new puppy. If I hod out it my own damn house, then she would really love that.
I didn't realize how good I had it when she had her live-in. But he screwed around on her and she kicked him out. She screwed around on my H with him, though, so I guess she got what she deserved.
What do I do? Pretend this shit doesn't bother me? Cause with Sd's problems that need to be discussed, the bitch and H are going to have even more of a reason to communicate.
Disengagement is easy for me
Disengagement is easy for me because we don't have that kind of set up. BM does not come to our house and we don't go to hers. She showed up one time trying to talk to DH about taking her to court and he told her to go screw herself and get the hell gone. DH does not see her. He does not pick up or drop skid off and I do not either now since I have disengaged. We don't live in the same area, so I never have to see her out and about. You just have to do your best to realize neither one of them are going to do anything they don't want to no matter how involved you are. They should care, it is their kid, but if they don't you cant take on that burden for them. It will be their fault when she is all kinds of jacked up, not yours. You cant make them help her. And, if they do step up and do right by her, there is no need for them to have much more communication. If she is put in counseling, DH can consult with the counselor about SD's needs, issues, progress, etc., without BM and vice versa. This is going to continue to eat you alive and rightfully so, because it is total bullshit how DH and BM are with each other. You are not going to feel better about it until DH steps up and does right by YOU, his wife. Your feelings and your disagreement over the lack of boundaries should be more important to him than BM and whatever drama she has going on in her life that is in now way DH's life anymore at all.
Agree with fedup. And I'd
Agree with fedup. And I'd add
"I CAN'T DICTATE WHAT ANOTHER ADULT DOES!!"
No, you can't. But you can set limits. You've already done this. The trick is to get your H to take you seriously, and I'm not sure how you would do this. Anyway, I admire how much you're standing up for yourself and seeing right through him. However this ends up, you're going to always protect yourself and your BD and that's what's important.
I actually think this really is about you and your BD, and it should be. You really have to focus on protecting yourself and your own.
And I think SD is treating you and BD like crap because she can afford to, and because her negative attention seeking behavior probably has little effect on her self-involved parents.
At least, that's the way it seems to me from reading your post.
I had to deal with this in a previous relationship, only I was clueless and didn't see that ex was enjoying getting me worked up, and also enjoying the attention from BM. But after being away from ex for a long time I finally saw it. That he was a total narcissist.