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She strikes again

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 8:47am

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Blended Family Issues

Hey everyone!
I haven't posted in awhile but I've been quietly lurking Wink

Anyway, I decided to post bc I'm at another breaking point with SD15. Things were going smoothly for too long- SD15 decided she can't be around me or my daughter now (not complaining but it hurts our family dynamic we are trying to create by working on all our relationships) and that her dad chooses me over her and she doesn't even feel like she has a dad.

So now they are going to do saturday dates alone........

This came out of NOWHERE- we have actually been getting along pretty good and she's been busy with her bf. FDH calls and invites her to things and she never comes. She comes to the house maybe 2x/month and her bf always ended up meeting her at our house- She turned around and accused FDH of not caring about her anymore bc me and my daughter are his family now etc..... just being a drama queen

She said "goincrazy has made you so sick of your family"

And he didn't even stick up for me- I'm super hurt

It all started bc she asked for $300 for a new spring wardrobe :jawdrop: FDH said he will get her some clothes but not now. I bought my daughter an easter dress and somehow she got wind of it and accused FDH of taking us shopping and not her. B!TCH I paid for it and no one needs to report anything to you!!!! She's comparing a 9 year olds dress to an entire wardrobe.

So it's all about the $, FDH and I have been fighting, we were on the same page about the situation until they went to therapy yesterday following SD15's accusations and now "she's always going to be his daughter..." etc

How dumb is that statement??? Like I don't know that.

He went to therapy with his ex and sd15 and she cried and said she doesn't feel like she has a dad or some bullshit and the therapist seems to be a supporter of BM's and all step mothers are evil so here I am, resentful, angry and wondering if I even want to continue or if I should throw in the towel.

I'm sick of the drama, I'm sick of being the scapegoat of her lies, accusations and manipulations. I am disengaged and it's still not enough. PArt of me wants to fight and the other part is sick of fighting for my "role" or my place in FDH's life. As soon as sd15 and xw lay on the guilt it's a wrap. I love him to death but despise his family after all the hurt and lies and stress they have caused.

"children of divorce are veterans at dividing and conquering" that was in that article someone posted the other day and it can't be more true.

I'm exhausted, I love FDH but just don't know if I want to deal with this shit for the rest of my life. I'm reading stepmonster again- I feel FDH plays both sides. He agrees with me and we are on the same page and then he see's sd15 and turns right back into guilty dad. I can't stand that. I told him to man up and start being a leader in his own family- quit being a punk ass and letting your kids walk all over you to get what they want. Greedy bastards

I just want to scream then go far away

Smomof3's picture

Submitted by Smomof3 on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 9:24am

My SD15 is similar in the fact that she manipulates her BM and things she can do it to us as well. It used to be just my fault that her life sucked, now she accuses her father too. Until she started lying and dragging him into her crap, he could care less. His eyes are wide open now to what she is and what she will always be.

It's sad but her brother told me last night that he doesn't really like her. He loves her but he has realized at 14 that no matter how hard he tries, she always hurts him. Smart kid.

Good luck. I'd stay disengaged and let him have hsi dates.

Smomof3's picture

Submitted by Smomof3 on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 9:25am

Oh Yeah...i'd also frequently point out that his life is being ruled by a moody 15 year old. Once she he has you out of the picture, she'll start putting more stipulations on him, then he'll realize the mess he's made.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 9:25am

Hang in there girl. She's being a nasty teenager and a jealous drama queen at that. Your DH DOES need to stop hanging out on the fence though and back you up. You have every right to be pissed and hurt that he hasn't done that.

What he doesn't realize is he's not doing his daughter any favors by treating her that way. Yes, she'll always be his daughter, but eventually she is going to grow up and move away and start her own family. YOU will always be his wife, by his side and living with him, right? Shouldn't he be putting YOU first based on that?

There was an article posted here the other day about how men need to nurture their marriage first. I'll see if I can find it for you. You may want to forward it to him...

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 10:32am

I read that article and seriously printed it out, highlighted important parts that pertained to our relationship and gave it to him. I'm really having a hard time today and feel sick. When is enough, enough? The stress is ridiculous!

It just hurts so much that the man I thought I was gooing to be with forever and get his head out of his daughters ass. I'm tired of fighting for our relationship and lately I've been daydreaming about a relationship to a man with no kids and our marraige would be the first marriage..............fun to dream about but in reality it wouldn't be all roses- I have a kid too. And I would hate to put her through another big change.

He's using the whole I'm stuck in the middle bullshit and acts blind, deaf and dumb and chooses to do NOTHING when issues come up instead of facing it and doing something.

The resentment is building and I'm feeling so depressed today.

What ended up happening with SD14 and your husbands weekly visit?!

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 10:42am

I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you assistance or even some good advice, but if he's not willing to put your marriage first, I'm afraid you're kinda at an impasse.

SD14 ended up turning her back on DH completely. He went through a rough patch at Christmas and in January where I was really super worried about him and he's tried several times to contact her.

The last time was last month. He went to parent teacher conferences at her school to show that he was still involved and texted her afterwards to say how proud he was of her. She basically told him "I don't want to talk to you anymore, it's MY decision, not mom's goodbye". So he asked her what did he do to her to deserve this kind of treatment, she never responded.

Now he's going to mediation/court with BM because BM wants 100% parenting time and CS. It's just a bunch of bullshit, but he sees she doesn't matter to him.

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 10:45am

I remember that and then following conferences he was going to go to his dads or something with her for a week and then she changed it? Idk like you said it was a month ago or so, She ditched him?!

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 10:51am

He told BM that he wasn't going to enforce any visitation until after mediation, so as not to throw off her great grades and behavior in school. Basically, he realized it was a bad idea and decided against it.

Come to find out, he got an automated call from the school last night saying she was failing one or more subjects and it needed to be addressed! Ha, he said I was JUST there and she was getting all A's and B's WTF happened? Then he said "Oh well, not MY problem anymore" and deleted the message.

Stupid kid...

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 10:57am

See! They always f themselves!

Good for your DH- he may have lapses in judgement sometimes but he gets it overall, can my fdh borrow one of his balls?

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 10:59am

Yep, sure do. He does have his moments, but for the time being, he's finally seeing clearly.

Your FDH needs to find his own balls! LOL It took my DH a bit to find his and sometimes I have to remind him to reach down and remember they're there!

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 11:05am

LOL, maybe my fdh wont ever have balls bc I'm gonna chop off the ones hes not using!!! LMAO

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 11:48am

LOL you're crazy! LOL

See my new blog about counseling - you may just want to be present during those sessions...

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 11:05am

LOL, maybe my fdh wont ever have balls bc I'm gonna chop off the ones hes not using!!! LMAO

omgsaveme's picture

Submitted by omgsaveme on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 9:27am

Sorry you're going through this. It really sucks to be cast aside like we are disposable to DH. I LOVE when they throw out the "shes always going to be my daughter" crap like sure we expect you to disown your child and only be around us. No, we just prefer you to grow a pair. Ugh !

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 10:26am

Exactly, He text me this morning and said what am I supposed to do? Turn my back on my family?

Who even suggested that? Just shows how stupid he is being. I told him he needs to learn how to balance and the sooner he figures it out the better bc if we don't make it, he will never have a successful relationship bc he lets sd15 ruin it and get in the middle and seperate HE ALLOWS it- then he started the whole- I would be so lost without you crap.
I'm just so over it today

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 10:37am

Sorry you're so sad. I'm sending you a virtual hug and hope that you can find a way to make sense of it all.
I guess we never want to think that we'll see ourselves alone again at this stage of the game, but sometimes, when we see no resolution we need to consider the options.
If he refuses to put YOU first then chances are he will NEVER put you first and the decision lies with you on whether or not you're going to be ok with being an after thought. Sad

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 10:48am

Thanks Smile Thats why I'm so frustrated. He usually does put me first, He makes me feel important and SD15 hasn't been an issue lately...but then she stirs the pot and I'm sitting here as an outsider feeling last............WTF happened???!!!

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 11:46am

Goincrazy.com - aren't YOU his family? He IS turning his back on YOU by not standing up for you.

I would say, if you have a snowball's chance in hell of making your relationship work, the first think I would DEMAND would be NO MORE COUNSELING UNLESS I AM THERE TOO. You have NOBODY to stand up for you. It is all based on the lies and half-truths that SD spins to make both her idiots...um, I mean, parents...feel bad for her.