As a bio parent - I don't know how I would recover from that. I would likely forgive after some heart to hearts, but I would not forget.

I also know as a bio parent that if either of my daughters did that to their bio father - I would be stepping in to correct them strongly.

Let me just state, I have no use for my XH - but he is the father to my children and for that reason no matter what he is to be respected by his children. He is their only father and enabling disrespect to him will do me no good nor my bios any good.

The problem is - you stated it, SD was parroting BM. That is 3/4 of the problem on this site always. These kids are trained and encouraged which is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Now when my skids intentially hurt DH, which they do, I find this much much harder to forgive and I never forget - it just builds and builds. One of the reasons I keep my distance from SS today is that I am betting he is going to rip DHs heart out when he gets older based on today actions and I will have to be there to pick up the pieces. I am preparing to be there for DH, not SS. I married DH, not SS. I can't control BM or SS or SD. I can only control and prepare myself.

You have nothing to explain. You don't have the bond that can heal. You have no bond - if you feel you have to discuss it with DH - try to get him to put himself in your position by him seeing your heart ripped out by one of your relatives like a niece or nephpew and how he would feel about that person afterward. He will not be able to see it otherwise.

I can feel your pain. I am the same boat myself but my skids are older. Here are a few ideas to help you look at it differently.

PAS: i found Amy Baker's book Adult Chilrdren of Parental Alienation very helpful and thought-provoking. I attended her workshop recently and loved her insights. She is a researcher who has studied PAS. Another great tool to turn your thinking around is Welcome Back, Pluto - a DVD meant for kids ( middle school - age) about the whole unhappy and unhealthy situation in PAS families. The guy who is behind is, Richard Warshak, is another researcher of PAS. I love him! between the two of them, Baker and Warshak explain the complex PAS dynamic pretty clearly.

As for my personal experience, i ma struggling with what to do about my relationship with my 2 younger skids ( 16 and 21) who were complete assholes to hy DH after a death in his family. I was equally horrified by their selfish attitude, callousness and to the bone, and by my DH's eagerness to forgive, forget and move on as if nothing had ever happened. They are victims of child abuse ( PAS) and now act as victimizers. The fact that i brought them into my kids' lives does not let me sleep at night. At this point, i am trying to disengage from them ( but not so much their older sister) with mixed results.

I can understand my DH - when you have the bio connection it is easire to forgive and move on. I cannot do either.. .i am stuck.

My husband has three children, all adults when I met them. His daughter clearly has mental health issues. However, my husband does not recognize that, so in reality he sees her as a normal right minded person. He actually thinks that I need to be the bigger person, that I need to remember I am the adult here. Now this is funny because his daughter is 30, has a live in boyfriend and a daughter of her own. Don't know how she is not an adult, but daddy doesn't seem to think she is.

It never ends, they always look at their daughters as babies and expect us to coddle these little ones until we go to the grave.

In return we get left out, isolated, treated like crap, are disrespected and outright told we are not part of "their" family, that we never will be, and if the words are not spoken as such, the actions make it loud and clear. They make other family members feel sorry for them, and start a gang war against us.

If this is not dealt with now when she is 12, you can expect much, much worse from her when she is 21.

If I had my time over I would have spoken up, I would have expected to be treated with respect in my own home, I would have expected manners and civility from his adult offspring. Instead I put up with it for 8 years until I finally banned her from my home. I should have banned her the first time she came into it. Because I didn't, I have lost 8 years of my life, I lost my self esteem, and I lost my confidence. Now I am working on getting these things back and I am 60. Your SD is 12, old enough to have some manners and to know right from wrong. Treat her as such because the more you ignore her bad behaviour, the more she will dish out, and the more your husband will expect you to put up with. Set some standards for yourself, and some rules and boundaries for your home, and EXPECT her to conform or dad can visit her elsewhere. Do not leave your own home because she wants you to, and dad wants her to be happy. Let them visit in the park.

Yes, as a few have said - this girl is 12 years old.

Has she been told to apologize to either of you for her hurtful actions and words?

Despite the fact that it was BM's instigation this girl is old enough to know right from wrong, and needs to be made accountable now for going along with it.

Explain to your DH that you tried for 2 years, and thought things were going really well, that you and SD were developing a good bond. SD's behaviour destroyed that bond, and you are now very hurt by her words and actions, and NO it is not up to you to just forgive and brush it under the carpet. She needs to understand that her actions have repercussions. Explain to your DH that his daughter has trashed the last two years of your life, and that his daughter needs to work at mending the fences she broke. Be civil to her when she is there, but that at this point you don't feel able to do any more than that until the sd makes some effort herself to fix what she broke.

At 12 she is way past old enough to understand that when you do wrong you try and fix it.