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My stepchildrens behavior towards my children and i are tearing my husband and i apart....HELP!!!!

bradybunch6's picture

Sad Now to start off I know that my children are far from innocent here. My boys are typical boys and yes I have a three year old who is very whinny and i Know that is enough to get under anyones skin. Here where the problems come in. My step children are 11, 9 and 7. My children are 12, 9 and 3. My husband has 1 boy, he is the oldest and two daughters. I have three boys. My boys have only had me in their lives. Their father didnt stick around so all the rough n tough stuff kinda fell short with these three. They are kinda sissyfied i guess you could say. I hate to say that but i guess its true, so im finding out here. My step children have always had their dad arounf and all three of them are very rough n tough n all that stuff and totally out of control. My husbands past marriage i guess you could say wasnt all that great and his ex wife and himself used the kids against eachother which was bad on their parts, i know. Now with having said that, its made it harder on my children and i. My step children do not listen, are far from hygenic, do not pick up after themselves at all n will destroy my nice clean home with in 30 min. of arriving. They will eat up all our food n waist 75% of it n leave it laying out everywhere. I had to get rid of my lovely dog that i had ever since she was 4 weeks old-i had her for 3 years-because they were mean to her and nothing i said mattered. Here is where it gets really bad. My 11 year old step son will beat up on my 9 year old on a regular basis,my 3 year old as well. He not only does this to my children but to his sisters as well. I feel sorry for those girls casue everything he does to anyone seems to b justified, all because they either defend themselves or are doing something that he decides he is interested in. My step son will call me anything but a white woman and he has seriously hit me with the highest intention of hurting me. HE CAN KICK!!!! i've had bruises left on my children and i both. He has bit the crap out of his sisters and dern near drew a serious amount of blood. He talks to his father with a serious lack of respect. Shown my 3 year old porn on the internet after waking him up in the middle of the night. He also did this to my 9 year old as well. He teaches my kids things that i feel they have no business knowing about. My kids have been somewhat shelterd from the harsh things in this world and i have been comfortable with that. His daughters, well they take advantage of knowing the fact that my boys are not allowed to hit girls. They will intentionally beat on or push around my boys knowing that if my boys hit them they will get in trouble. When i go to say something about it though, its all my boys are sissy's cause they are complaining about being pushed arounf and getting beat up by a girl. I don't know about anyone else but if when someone is sitting there smacking n hitting you n you cant do anything about it, its frustrating and someome needs to do something about it. I have almost left my husband several times because there is absolutely no need for my boys especially to have to go through this. everytime i go to say something though about the things that are being done its all justified. my kids are annoying and need to know not to do this or they were running their mouth so they got put in their place or well if my boys dont wanna get hurt they shouldnt mess with them. #1 if my boys defend themselves when the get hit or pushed, they get beat up, when they run their mouths its because they are being called horrible names and are sticking up for themselveso n they still get beat up, if my 9 year old is stickn up for my 3 year old he gats beat up, if my boys are doing something my step son decides he wants to do and my boys say no, they get beat up. when i go to do smoething about it i get hit by my step son or get scorned because my step son basically rules the roost. When i did once decide to take a xbox game away i got sidekicked hard as he!! in the side and then has his bm down my throat for it. all because my step son grabbed my 3 year old by the throat. Their bm tells them they dont have to listen to me and that my kids shouldnt get away with anything. I mean this woman tell them things that are just right down not true and horrible. I sell pills and do meth. Im a sleezy whore and i want nothing to do with my kids and have signed them awway to their father. when my boys father donesnt have anything to do with them. I confronted her about this and can you believe that she had on op saying that i was subjecting her kids to a harsh enviroment. I didnt even raise my voice at her, i was a adult about it all. She is the one who got hostile. Her kids will even make up lies and say that i beat my kids and that i dont feed them and i do all sorts of horrible things. I am a strict parent and was raised a certain way. i just want to raise my children the same and would like to incorporate these rules into their lifes cause my step children have NONE!!!! This only half of the problems and im sure prolly most ppl stopeed reading this after the firt 5 sentences but i need some help here casue if i cant figure out a way to help my step children and i make it through this and get them to atleast have some respect for us when they are their then i will have no choice but to lose the one thing ive longed for my whole life, my husband. we are great together but when it comes to our kids we r to protective and defensive n i know deep down inside he agrees with me on some aspects but he has daddy issues himself and thats why my step children have ended up this way. Has anyone out there had similiar issues or does anyone have any helpful advice that may help me help my family. I dont really think walking out on them is any way to take care of the situation besides letting them know they've won, or atleast thats how i feel thet will look at it. I want to help them not desert them. they need stucture and want to be able to be the one to help guide them but i cant risk my own childrens well being. Honestly, i think i need counseling after all this Biggrin

smdh's picture

If your dh is allowing all this and justifying the only thing you can do is take your kids and leave. It is wrong to keep subjecting them to being beaten up, smacked around and picked on by other children. You are their mother and it is your job to protect them. And even if your kids are annoying, no child should be allowed to put their hands on other children. Ever.

If my sd ever hit my son, she'd get a lesson in learning that sometimes it is ok for boys to hit back. It might not be popular and I surely wouldn't teach him it is ok to hit girls in general, but I wouldn't allow my sd to get away with being a bully simply because she is a girl, either.

bradybunch6's picture

now see my husband made the same comment you just did and i seeriously thought about having a long drawn out discussion with my 9 year old about this and letting him know he can defend himself but you best believe the moment he does defend himself my step son with in no quicker than a minute will be on him. Then ill get to hear well, he shouldnt of touched her and may maybe my ss wouldnt of done that. It seems i can never get anywhere n i feel like i made out to b a cry baby because i wont let boys be boys. i grew up a tom boy n my brother and i fought but he never did this kind of stuff to me. i mean even my sd's are beat up on a daily basis. The 9 year old sd she is the one who gives me the least amount of trouble and she is truely a good girl. I feel that sometimes shes just tryn to fit in and thats why she will join in sometimes. Neways, she is the one who takes the beating the most from her own brother. my husband says he gats on to them but i never see this. apparently he waits till i am gone or out of the room. i just left last night to stay with my father. My ss kicked the crap out of me for taking away his xbox cord because he wouldnt listen to me. Nothing was said or done and i am tired of that so i left and now all i get to hear is how terrible i am because i run away from my problems. Im so confused and just dont know whats right anymore

LilyBelle's picture

"My ss kicked the crap out of me for taking away his xbox cord because he wouldnt listen to me".

This kind of behavior from an 11 year old?

Honestly, the kind of behavior you described, by an 11 year old, if the parent didn't do something, I'd have to get out my belt.

I would have to say to his daddy, look, if your son physically touches me or one of my kids again, I am going to handle it, and you may not like the way I handle it, so I'd advise you to take care of this now.

smdh's picture

If your dh won't even defend his own daughters, he isn't going to defend you or your kids. I'm sorry, but I don't see this ever getting better. People have to want to change and your dh is content thinking his boys behavior is normal and fine. He doesn't want to change it.

sterlingsilver's picture

What were you doing before meeting DH? Renting your own place and had a job and raising your own kidlets? GO BACK TO THAT! JUST LEAVE. Your situation is something I would call the cops about if it were me in your shoes. NO WAY IN HELL you should let those kids beat up on you and yours. NO WAY. If I knew you as a friend I'd actually be a friend and call CPS. Your precious little 3 yr old is living in a hell and your other two more of a hell. Your skids are outof control. I KNOOOWWW you love your DH, but you have to make the ultimate sacrifice for your OWN flesh and blood and that is to get the hell outta there now. Your kids will grow up resenting you and leave you asap -when they're of age. Another woman's spawn is not worth losing your own sweet kids over. At least leave for awhile until you can figure out what to do. Stay with a friend, rent a small aprtment month to month, whatever, just leave. They will probably RESPECT you more for leaving and standing up for yourself, then for being a pushover to their terrible abusive behaviors.

Sorry if I sounded harsh :/

LilyBelle's picture

"No child should ever be allowed to hit a parent. When my SS hit me, i warned him and DH. I will call the cops and have him removed from my home."

This would get the kid's and DH's attention!! Which would be a good thing.

If he is doing something to your kids that CPS would consider abuse if you did it, then if it continues, you are guilty of negligence for not stopping it.... call the police.

trystme's picture

Get out and get out now. It is not ok to keep your children in this abusive situation. IT IS NOT OK!

LilyBelle's picture

I second this one. Until you are able to work out with DH how to handle the violence, move the children to a safe place.

If you continue to allow your kids to be abused and stand by and do nothing, you are throwing them to the wolves.

bradybunch6's picture

I actually just posted another forum about this somewhere else because i didnt realize i was in the wrong section, so i was pointed out.....my bad, im new to this. Anyways, I do agree to what everyone is saying but i have read some other forums and their are woman who's children are being put through far worse than mine-not saying that makes any of this right-and they are being told to just, from now on make sure that the father has his visitations elsewhere and sk'd are no longer allowed in the home or around the children-the ones who are being subjected to all the nonsense. I never do nothing about any of this either. I do stand my ground and let it be known that this is all unacceptable. These kids just don't care!!!! I'm nobody to them and have no right in their life and they are doing evrything they can to make sure i know this.

Back to what I was going to ask. Does anyone on this page think that if i am to tell the father that his kids are no longer allowed in our home and the visitations from now on will have to take place else where or we will have to go our seperate ways, that this may work? I mean i don't want him resenting me for something like this but my kids are far more important. this is kind of like a last resort to saving what we have and if it's not something he is willing to try then i can no longer subject my children to this lifestyle. How could i ever expect my children to respect me if i do not have enough respect for myself. Honest opinions here people, that's why i am here. I want to know if this has worked for anyone and if it's made things better or worse and so on.

LilyBelle's picture

"Does anyone on this page think that if i am to tell the father that his kids are no longer allowed in our home and the visitations from now on will have to take place else where or we will have to go our seperate ways, that this may work?"

It's hard to say if it will work or not.... what would be your definition of it "working"? If you're hoping by making that threat that he do what you want him to do, don't count on it.

I think it might be better to focus on the real problem....

Is the problem the children being in the home, or is the problem how they behave toward your children and you in your home?

If you tell your DH the visitations have to be at another location or go your separate ways, that is an ultimatum of two choices that he is not likely to like either choice.... I think you're setting yourself up for him to be angry and resentful toward you.

Are you prepared for the result of this? Honestly, if someone told me my kids weren't welcomed in our home, and that I had to visit them outside my home or they would leave, I'd honestly say go ahead and leave.... after all, my kids and I get along well, I have no problem with their behavior.

The problem is that your DH's kids are misbehaving.... I would consider this: instead of making it about them being in your home, tell him it is not acceptable for them to get physical and instead of telling him how he has to solve the problem... ie. he has to visit his kids in another location... I might tell him what I would do if the problem doesn't get solved. ie....if your kids get physical with me or my kids again, we will not remain in the home when your children are here....

It's a slight difference, but it's more respectful of him, and it's you taking responsibility for you, and not forcing something on him. It gives him the option of disciplining his kids instead of anyone having to leave the home.