I need some advice ladies
Normally I'm on here because I'm a SM pissed off at the world. But today I come on here because not only am I SM I am also a BM. I have been divorced for 10 years. I have not been the money digging ex, the crazy ex or even the ex that doesn't take care of her kids. I have no CS order against my ex. And the only time we communicate is when it is absolutely needed. Like for instance... If we get a notice about our kids grades (if they are bad etc) or if we need to talk about something regarding a sports event one of our kids are in. But basically that's the brunt of our communication. We have a great system that works for us for dropping off and picking up and have never had a problem regarding this. I come on here today because our oldest is now grown and out of both of our houses. Her relationship with her dad has been a struggle for each of them for years now. She is emotional. He is not. Therefore communication has been very difficult. What she emotionally needs from him (which isn't much honestly) he has a problem giving. I'm not bad mouthing the guy. As this is how he has always been. I am starting to fear the wellfare of our daughter. Her constant seek for approval from him is wearing her down to nothing. She isn't eating right, she is calling me crying almost every day. I have given her as much help with trying to relate to him as I can. It breaks my heart for both of them. I know he wants to be what she is needing but he doesn't know how. And when I say "needing" I'm not speaking of the "mini wife" syndrome. I'm talking like for instance she got a HUGE promotion at work (this is her first REAL job ever) they even sent her away so she could be a part of a big dinner etc she got an award and a raise. She was so excited she called him first thing. And his response wasn't what she was looking for of course. It was just a basic. Oh well that's good type of response. Which is how my ex is. Unfortunately my kids have a hard time dealing with his non emotional way of dealing with the things in their lives.
I am fearing her welfare simply because she is saying things that are scaring me. Not good enough. When will I be what he wants me to be. Why can't he love me for just being me. What's wrong with me. He has recently done a few things that have hurt her financially. I understand that we as parents are not obligated to do anything for our kids regarding money. This is something that is earned if at all gotten. I guess the issue is (this being how my daughter feels) there are two SD's in the picture who he has done everything for. Our daughter had to buy her own car. The SD's had theirs paid for by my ex. He also pays all their insurance. Medical and car. He has recently took our daughter off all insurances due to (his words) the fact that she decided to not go to college. This is his right I totally understand that. Please don't come after me SM's with guns blazing I get that he has every right to do what he wants. BUT in the mean time our daughter is feeling like nothing she does will ever be good enough. And just because she has taken different path then SD's doesn't make her any less of his child then they are. He changes their oil, fixes their cars, gets their tires done, pays for their rooming. Each of those girls also has a job. But because our daughter has decided a different path in life he refuses to have much of anything to do with her. And this is exactly what he told her. She doesn't understand.
I'm not judging him or bad mouthing. I am hear to reach out to some mom's or even SM's (as I am one too) to ask for help on how to help our daughter get through this. How to comfort her. I am at a loss of what to do when she calls me so hysterical she is using her inhaler. And talking crazy talk. I know kids can be seriously dramatic but I also know that there are huge signs in teens these days regarding teen suicide. And I believe I must take things seriously with her. I am scared. I actually for the first time in years phoned my ex so he and I could talk. I wish I could say that he was willing to try to meet our daughter halfway regarding their relationship but he isn't. I guess I just feel lost on how to help them. I understand he isn't my problem anymore. But as the father to my children he is. And I don't want them to end up like me and my father.
Any suggestions ladies on how to help our daughter get through this? Wise words? I could use all the help I could get. I feel like she hears what I'm saying to her but I'm not her dad. Therefore I'm not getting anywhere.
Like with our current DHs, I
Like with our current DHs, I doubt there is much point trying to change HIM so much as to change HER approach. Maybe she should have one on one therapy so she can deal with the letdown by him? My brother is divorced from a lovely woman and remarried with a new child. The ex is a BM like you who is not typical of the psycho BMs we dislike on this site, they still coparent, they each have new spouses, all four of the parents and steps get on the best one could and the now adult kids have hugely benefited from the harmony. Yet, all the same, I have seen time and again each of my brother and my ex-sister-in-law (who is still part of our blended extended family) have come to me and other extended family members with frustration that the other one will not do the best for the child on a particular issue. It's like each time they hit a point that the other ex-spouse lets the child down, it reminds them of the sense of letdown that led to their (amicable) divorce all those years ago. Now my nephew and niece are about 24 and 21 and I guess I would say from experience that if they continue to feel let down at periods by each parent (as they do, over whatever issue), it's gone past the time to try to pressure the parent or rather, it's doable, but it's not the most effective approach. The most effective, I feel, is for the young adult to get some form of individual help AWAY from the family in order to work on their process of individuation away from dependence on their parents. To have a parent enabling and moulding another parent at this stage, feels like it is a backwards not a forwards step. IMO only. It might work in an intact marriage, but do you have the leverage on an ex? Isn't it trying to shut the stable door after the horse has bolted?
I know exactly what you are
I know exactly what you are going through. I went through this also, but my BD was about 6 or 7. She felt this way after her father got remarried, took on 3 step children and then had a child with SM. It is tough. Their relationship is a little better now, but he is still the same. My BD is 13 now.
The first issue was sharing her daddy with other kids when they get to have her dad more. Then there was the new sibling (that her dad loved more in her eyes) He is also the type of Dad to always bring up the negative and rarely praise the positive (making her feel like she is never good enough). It was hard to watch her cry over these things and her swearing that she could NOT talk to her dad about this (he is hard to talk to) One day she had a breakdown and i went off on her. I told her that her dad is who he is - he is not going to send cards, write i love you notes, call everyday & tell you how great you are -- that is not going to change - and you are going to have to accept that. I told her that you can't expect someone to be what they are not and that he does really love her and gave her examples of what i could to show her like - he never missed a visitation, one time he cried when he missed her and any little thing i could think of. That seem to make her feel better. He still continues to let her down (empty promises) and she still seems to hang on to every word of his. I also told her that she is very special to him because she is his first born and nothing will ever change that. It sucks to have to emotionally build up your daughter where the dad needs to -- it has been so hard and still is.
In regards to the promotion - my own Dad still to this day says minimal things -- it's just who he is. It used to make me feel bad. Your BD needs to accept that he is who he is and isn't what she wants him to be. At least he is there and on the phone although he didn't say what she wants to hear. With paying for the SD's ... does the SM work too? Does she have an income more than his? Maybe SHE is controlling his money? My SM was like that with my Dad. It is so hard. I also grew up with a "distant" relationship with my Dad but we are close now since my Mom passed 12 yrs ago. Some of the littlest things said from Dad to daughter can be so powerful in either direction. Your ex could have had enthusiasm and said he was proud of her promotion and offer a celebration dinner and it sounds like that didn't happen. I think that something as simple as that would have your BD feeling better.
What Blue Belle said. It's
What Blue Belle said. It's horribly, horribly painful, but she's going to have to accept that she will never get the response from him that she needs -- not because there is something wrong with her, but because there is something wrong with him. Therapy helps, but it's still a hard road. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to watch, but BB is right, the fact that she talks to you openly about it is a real advantage. *hugs*
I was thinking what she would
I was thinking what she would think about going to talk to somebody. Since her father took her off his insurance I have since added her to mine. So she has some coverage. I believe that might help with the cost of what maybe a councelor could do for her. I know that I will always look "bias" to everyone in regards to my daughter and her father. Meaning I will always take her side. But I do very much try to tell her that she really needs to try to understand that this is who he is. This is who he has always been. He grew up with no father and a SF who was abusive. In return he was full force being a dad in both our kids lives BUT the controlling, overbearing your going to do what I want you to do type. Not the loving, hugs what ever choice you choose in life I will support you (as long as it's not hurting you) It took me years to see that this was the kind of man he is/was and part of that being the reason we are divorced. It is truly sad. She said to me last night regarding some pretty important plans she has this summer that his response to being a part of that was, "I have a lot of plans with friends that month so I am unsure if I will be able to make it" and let me say what is happening this summer is life changing for our daughter for him not to make it will make or break her. I really whole heartedly believe this. To my very core. And it hit home with me because I can remember our 5th anniversary. I had made some big surprise plans and his response to those plans were, "I have made plans with the guys I can't let them down." I remember the pain in my heart and can only imagine how it must have felt for her. I just wish there was more I could do. It is hard to watch. Part of me feels he wants to have that with her. I just don't think he knows how. A while back they tried counceling (both of them) he refuses to do it again. Maybe just for her? So she can learn the coping skills to manage the situation.
I try very hard not to put the blame on SM. She and I have a pretty bad relationship. Which I wish we didn't but there isn't much we can do for repairing it. We are just two different kinds of parents and parenting skills are on opposite ends. Therefore we never see each other's points. UGh....
Thank you for all the replies. I very much appreciate all of you being understanding and not blowing me out of the water being a BM.
I think this is somewhat
I think this is somewhat similar to those of us who have PASed out skids. I have a hard time dealing with my DH's pain regarding his kids. How much he's done for them and how they have now cut him completely out of their lives.
I don't have any suggestions for you. Only empathy.
My son's story is similar to Blue Belle. But his father chose to not be a part of his life because he fled the state when CSE got too close for his comfort. For reasons unknown, he never sent a card or tried to contact his first born. He got another girl pregnant who had a still born baby. My son also has two half-siblings that I am aware of. One he helped make almost immediately when he got to the state he fled to. The other is with his wife.
Pooodle has said it like it
Pooodle has said it like it is. You cannot change him, she will have to change how she reacts to him.
My ex sounds a lot like this, a few months after I left, he stopped seeing his children all together. They were 2, 6 and 7 at the time. They were devastated. I spent the better part of a year reasssuring them that it was not them, that it was just the way he was When the eldest was 21 she contacted her dad on the same phone number he had had for about 20 years. She set up a vist and the two eldest went along to see him. He actually asked them to go and visit the neighbour as she had always asked about them (now he hadn't seen them once in 15 years at that point), long story short as dissapointed as she was she rang him a couple of months later to wish him Happy Easter, and guess what. He had changed his phone number. He has no contact with them since and now she is 36. However all 3 of my kids have gone on to just accept that is him, they as adults choose to either have someone like this in their lives or not and they see that HE is the one that has a problem, not them.
Your daughter needs to know it is HIM, there is nothing wrong with her. It concerns me your daughter seems to know or presume to know a lot about his finances and how the money is spent. Maybe remind her she does not KNOW for sure how the finances are distributed in her father and SM's house. Because things may not be the way she thinks they are SM may have money of her own, she may be buying things for her daughters, they may have an inheritence from a family member, who knows, but I wouldn't be encouraging her to think dad is buying things for SD and not for her (even if it's true).
It may help HER to know about his upbringing also. If this means you have to make him look good and blame his upbringing well for the sake of your daughter I'd do it I would try to find excuses, reasons for him being a shit. Given your daughter's age now, I think counselling may be in order to help her see that she is not unloveable, that it is her father who is incapable of giving unconditional love. Especially if you are really concerned about her mental state and are fearing suicide.
Ultimately he just sounds like the type of parent who's love is conditional, lots of them out there. My own DH is a conditional lover with family/friends etc., If you do things his way, you are great, if you don't tow the line, you are no good. She needs to know that these type of people exist and he is is apparently one of them. Until she can accept her father for who he is, and realise he will never change, and that she has the power to either accept or reject him for that, she will struggle. She cannot change her father but she can stop trying to please him, she can learn that what SHE thinks of herself and her achievements is more important than what HE or anyone else thinks. She is just one of many people who have fathers like this, she needs to see that she is not unique in this situation.
Professional help would be able to show her things a lot more clearly because the way she appears to be at the moment without help, I suspect she will start looking for a man to replace daddy, and she will take this looking for approval attitude into future relationships. She needs to learn she needs no man's approval to be okay.
I feel for your daughter. I
I feel for your daughter. I am there and have been there for so many years it's not even funny. Today I turn 44 and I have yet to hear my father be excited about ANYTHING I have accomplished. Heck, he's never seen me drunk, I did quit college, but went on to have a great career, traveled the world, etc...my sister, his favorite, is almost an alcoholic, he worships her, and she has a degree and has a crappy dead end job at the local school district (not that all those jobs are bad, but not for her level of education and even her BOSS tells her so)...Anyway, today is my birthday. I guess around 330PM my phone rang and it was form my parent's house. Neither works...and I can't say what they called for because just yesterday my mom and I were having a not so good day because of issues/lies with my grandmother...Anyway, I am still waiting. My husband gets ALL his praise. Funny, huh? For the last 12 yrs my dad even calls my husband sometimes on his birthday and has forgotten to call me! And yes, my parents are together...and not only that, my birthday is only 2 days before my husbands and on the same day as his favorite nephew. It is what it is. It is very difficult, it has really taken a toll on my self-esteem for years, but little by little I have let it go and realized that really, he's just an ASS...
So, really, there is nothing you can do. Honestly, even my DH is sick of it and has stood up for me..and with all the admiration my father has for him, he still hasn't changed. All you can do is be supportive of HER and let her know that the issue lies ONLY with him and not her. Let other people know what she has accomplished, as others are happy for her, she will little by little realize that really, it's not her that is the problem, but him. I know that helped me greatly when some of my dad's friends even were excited and congratulated me and looked at him like he was an ASS for not doing so.
A big hug to your daughter. If she ever wants to IM me, I'm here. I don't know how old she is, but I know how it feels and it is very hard.