I'm DONE! Now to get hubby on board...
This is pretty much a rant, a vent to let off some steam. However at the emotional state I am in right now, I can use all the advice, hugs...whatever support I can get.
Background info: SD12 has Reactive Attachment Disorder which makes life with her hell. Her mom abandoned her and we have her 24/7 and have since she was 5.
SD has always been abusive to my bio kids BD4 and BS1. She does things like hit, pinch, verbally attack them, etc. No trips to the ER yet, but that has been my fear. In the past week, she hurt BS1 to the point of him sobbing uncontrollably (I think she kicked him but all he said was owie and when I asked what happened he pointed to SD). She verbally attacked BD4 and sounded like satan when she did it and she purposely did things to make BD4 cry. I came to the realization that if BD4's preschool teacher talked to her like that, BD would never go back. Also realized that we are concerned about SD being bullied at school by a girl one year older than her, but she is 8 years older than BD and bullies her daily in her OWN HOME...which is much worse.
We were called in to the school because SD has 3 pages of write-ups for the year and breaks all the rules and they didn't know what to do with her. We talked to her at home and she said she isn't sure if she will follow our rules or the school rules (I can't believe I didn't ship her off right then).
So after days of crying and being emotionally torn, I have come to the decision that SD must leave our home. I would like her to leave permanently, but if DH can send her away for treatment and she is "fixed" she could come back on a trial basis.
I don't know if DH "gets" it. He is looking for her mom but he thinks SD is "getting better". Getting better my ass. My bios are his, too so he needs to think of what is best for them. SD is no longer good for the rest of the family. I have reached the limit of the harm I will allow to my kids and myself...she has to go. SD looks at me with pure hatred, treats me with utter disrespect and DH is only punishing her for it about 30% of the time. He is part of the problem. I hope he decides to do what is best for the rest of the family. It is at the point that I take the long way around the house to get where I need to go just so I don't have to walk by SD's room. I can't help a child that doesn't want to be helped...I tried that for 7 years. She CAN be a good kid, but she doesn't want to be...time to send her off.
So anyone that can offer some support or words of wisdom, I would love to hear it. If you want to bash me for not kicking her out soon enough or for giving up on her, you are free to do so but I will not respond to your post.
Try a center for troubled
Try a center for troubled kids, or maybe have her commited...Im sorry this sounds really rough on you
((hugs)) x3 
^^^This!
^^^This!
I'm on RAD support boards and
I'm on RAD support boards and several have had to place their kids outside the home. When the home is no longer safe for everyone else, the RAD needs to go. No, I am not a therapist trained in dealing with RAD. I know some of that attachment therapy probably works, at least for younger kids. But at 12, I think she is a little past that. I commend you on being able to deal with your RADs, but I cannot deal with this one.
Yes, I have thought over and over and over..."I am abandoning her just like her mom did" and I feel absolutely HORRIBLE about that. But the truth is, I have not failed her...I have put 7 years into this kid. It all boils down to the fact that you can't help someone that doesn't want help.
I agree and 12 is also about
I agree and 12 is also about the age at which I consider one accountable. I think you have a very good example that we could use with her. We had a "light" discussion with her which is when she said she doesn't plan on following our rules. It seems we may need to have a more direct discussion and let her know that she can't do whatever she wants and still live in our home...she must obey rules and be respectful and not harm anyone.
If she has RAD, she shouldn't
If she has RAD, she shouldn't be told to "just go." Has she been diagnosed? Can her doctor provide resources for you?
She didn't ask for this life. She didn't ask to be abandoned by her mother. She didn't ask to have a SM who wants her to leave.
You cannot simply tell your DH that his kid has to go. That's just wrong.
Please consult her doctor.
So it is acceptable that she
So it is acceptable that she still live in my home after telling me she does not plan on following my rules? What if she kills me in my sleep? Is that acceptable?
Yes, she has been diagnosed. There aren't many resources in our area. If we were broke, the government would help pay...but we aren't so they won't.
Ok, not following your rules
Ok, not following your rules and committing murder are two different things.
She is diagnosed RAD.
She is also an adolescent, and girls are famous for becoming difficult and mouthy and rebellious at this age.
Would you be willing to toss one of your bios out of the home?
YES! I would place one of my
YES! I would place one of my bios in a treatment facility if they were harmful to the rest of the family. There is a line that must be drawn when helping someone. You are the worst possible poster for my emotional state right now. I haven't come upon this decision lightly. It has been over a year of observing. My BD is 4...RAD first hurt her when she was 4 months. It is time to stop neglecting my own kids for the sake of the RAD, my kids need me...all of me, not a shell of a frustrated person. If you are so good with RADs, why don't you take her? See how many years it takes for you to give up. I am not failing her, you simply cannot help someone that doesn't want to be helped...she doesn't want it.
Edgar Allen Pogh and Adolf
Edgar Allen Pogh and Adolf Hitler were RADs...should Hitler have been excused because he was damaged? It all starts somewhere, kids aren't born RAD murderers. There is a first time for everything. Maybe you don't get the point of my post. I want her out because I do not feel myself or my kids are SAFE IN OUR OWN HOME.
OP, I would take steps to
OP, I would take steps to make sure your family is safe. If there is a safety issue involved, do whatever you have to do. Ignore the posters who try to make you feel like a bad person for not willingly laying down and offering up your throat.
It isn't like I want DH to
It isn't like I want DH to put her on the street, I want him to send her to a treatment center or to live with other family...anywhere where she can't hurt my kids. She is so jealous of them and hates them and me...if she hurt one of them I could never live with myself. She doesn't just have a little bit of RAD, she has EXTREME RAD. Not all RADs can be rehabilitated. Ask some of the moms I talk to who have been hospitalized after being beaten by their RAD, or in jail after false allegations.
Reactive Attachment
Reactive Attachment Disorder.
Common among people who've been abandoned.
If you google "Reactive
If you google "Reactive Attachment Disorder" several sites with info will come up. The following is where I first learned of the disorder. Many therapists don't know much about it. We saw 5 and none diagnosed her until I heard about it and researched it myself. Then we found a RAD therapist who was able to see her and diagnose her.
http://www.attachment.org/pages_what_is_rad.php
What does the therapist say
What does the therapist say when you tell her SD makes you feel unsafe and you feel like she is going to hurt you or the other children?
The therapist more or less
The therapist more or less dismissed my concerns thinking he could "fix" her. Well then with military cuts, my husband hasn't had a paycheck in 4 months and we cannot drop $10,000 for him to try to "fix" her. Insurance doesn't pay for much when we go see him and right now we can't afford $250/hour. I'm not sure what he would say if I pressed the issue, but perhaps we should go see him for some advice.
Is there any way SD could get
Is there any way SD could get Medicare or Medicaid (whichever is the one for kids, I forget.) They often pay through the teeth for these messed up kids, much more than private insurance.
Also...if your private insurance isn't paying for sessions for her RAD, are you sure they are going to pay for inpatient treatment at a facility?
I know my insurance is pretty good, but they don't really pay for these inpatient treatment options (I just happen to know because I was looking at our benefits pamphlet) unless you jump through A LOT of hoops, and even then they only pay like 80%...which seems good, but then when you realize some of these things can run into the tens of thousands, 20% is still a lot of money.
I just mean, are you sure inpatient treatment is really an option?
What are you going to do if
What are you going to do if your husband isn't willing to send her away?
Is this issue a deal breaker for you or him?
My husband is willing to send
My husband is willing to send her to her mom, but she hasn't responded and we don't know that she is willing to take her...she hasn't wanted to even see her for 7 years so why would she want to have her now? He mentioned moving out if her mom won't take her and frankly, that ticks me off! His other children need him and that is EXACTLY what SD wants, daddy all to herself. He says he doesn't know what else to do so I gave him some ideas of help for her.
I seriously feel that SD is hurting my kids emotionally and physically...I will keep her away from them at all costs. It will be unfortunate if that means they don't get to live with their daddy as they did nothing wrong.
I agree. I think DH is part
I agree. I think DH is part of the problem, he feels so sorry for her that he isn't consistent enough to give her a reason to change. One minute he might yell at her for disrespecting me and the next three times say nothing. He might yell at her for not doing chores one day and ignore it the next. She has him wrapped around her finger and he doesn't even know it! I see her underhanded ulterior motives, but he doesn't because he is blinded by his love for her (despite my repeated attempts to wake him up).
SD has been asking to see her mom. Her counselor advised against it. Some times I wonder if she is being this horrible on purpose so we give up and send her away. When we talked to her the other night she asked why we won't send her away. I don't think her mom would be good for her, but at this point if we can't get a treatment facility, I don't really care where she goes as long as it isn't around my kids.
A treatment center around here takes Medicaid...perhaps I should look into it. I think they count my income into that, too though and I might make too much to qualify. That's what sucks...people without jobs get all the government help they need...we really need it right now but we make too much money...but yet too little to afford $177/day (that's what the treatment center costs).
SD is begging us to let her
SD is begging us to let her see her mom. He thinks if he gives her what she wants, she MAY realize what reality is. She seems to think we are keeping her from her mother...she can't accept that her mother doesn't want her. I think he hopes SD being with her mom for a while would make her appreciate what she has with us. I won't hold my breath on that one. I honestly think he is just at a loss for what to do.
Damn, just read that link and
Damn, just read that link and it sounds a lot like my SD.
I'd have a real serious
I'd have a real serious problem with a Skid hurting my Bios. I'd forget that I'm an adult and I'd kick her back and when she starts screaming I'd say "How'd that feel? Did you like it? NO??? Ok well now you know how it feels, don't do it again or I'll kick you harder!!!!" I know it's wrong but sometimes we have to deal with kids like that in drastic ways. If that doesn't work, get her ass out of your house. She sounds jealous & dangerous. I would set up hidden cameras so you can catch her in action. I'm pissed off for you, I cant stand fucking kids like that.
You seriously just made me
You seriously just made me laugh out loud! Thanks, I haven't done that in a while.
You're welcome OptimisticMe.
You're welcome OptimisticMe. And you might think I was joking, but I have been known to strike back at a kid that has hurt my child. Even my own kids. I remember one of them liking to bite. So I bit the shit out of him. He screamed so damn hard that he NEVER did it again.
As much as we would love to
As much as we would love to do something like this........
But it DID make me think that you might want to invest in a nanny-cam. I would also check on the liability of YOU knowing that there is someone living in your home who hurts your children. Most (good) lawyers have an initial free consultation. I would ask what you need to do to not only protect your children but to protect yourself from being held accountable for keeping your children in this situation.
Maybe what you find out might make it easier for your DH to get on board...
I have considered a nanny cam
I have considered a nanny cam but don't know if I would put it in the right spot. SD is never left alone with my kids, but when she hurt BS1 last time it was while she was standing with her nose against the wall in the hallway for disrespecting me. BS walked behind her and I'm guessing got kicked into the wall. So I don't know where I would put one.
I have also worried about the liability of having my kids in a potentially dangerous situation. Before, I felt the odds of them getting seriously hurt were slim...but now I want SD out because I feel them getting hurt is more likely to happen. I could never live with myself if something happened to one of my bios...I would probably be in jail for strangling said SD!
Talking to a lawyer is a good idea, maybe that would help DH make this difficult decision.
I'm telling you girl, shut
I'm telling you girl, shut that little bitch down!!! As soon as possible. If she knows that whenever she hurts one of your kids she is going to feel your wrath, she'll cut that out.
My fear is she would turn me
My fear is she would turn me in! Otherwise, I totally would!
LOL! Don't bruise her! You
LOL! Don't bruise her! You need to put the fear of God into her. When I want to make a point to my SD11, I bend down to her level. Look her dead in the eye and in the most stern & threatening voice I tell her whatever I need to tell her while I point a long finger in her face. You can see the color drain from her when I do that. She respects me and probably fears me as well, which is fine by me. She knows not to mess with me. Many years ago, I put her to bed. I turned off the tv and left the lights on dim for her. WHen I walked out of the room she turned on the tv. I went back in and turned it off. She turned it on again. I went in, leaned over her and told her that if she turned the tv on again, I was going to feed her the remote. (Would I? Of course not but she didn't know that!) She cried herself to sleep that night. She is now 11 and what I say goes.
^^^^LOL^^^^ Kids are like
^^^^LOL^^^^ Kids are like dogs. You need to show them whose boss.
My concern for you is that
My concern for you is that you will not be able to find a suitable placement for her. If you have state aid and a documented failure at outpatient treatment then she could probably be involved in some sort of treatment program fairly easily-but if you have private insurance you are going to have a heck of time finding someplace that will take her or someplace that you can afford. Sad. Some kids with RAD really thrive though in these sorts of settings. There is not a big pressure to "attach" to staff members. Sometimes living with the family brings up so much anxiety that it makes thier behavior worse than it normally might be.
I believe my ss13 also has RAD sx-he has been aggressive to my kids in the past. He currently lives with my inlaws. I know dh would like him back in our home. I do not want this, but I understand why my dh does and we have not had any incidents of aggression in awhile-but I remember the days in which he was aggressive almost daily. He would be in time out for some sort of offense and my 2 and 3 year old toddler would walk by and he'd turn around and kick them. He was simply angry at being in time out and would take it out on someone smaller than him. 2 of my 3 kids are bigger than him and you can bet I keep a watchful eye-but things were very tense back then ands still are now to a certain degree. His bm too has essentially given up on him. So we dont have that as an option either-my dh feels so guilty leaving him with inlaws-although mil is willing to keep him-but he knows that fil does not want to. Dh is able bodied (well sort of) so he just feels like he should be doing it. What I point out to him is that there are 3 other kids here as well and he must look out after them as well. They deserve a safe, loving environment as well. As do your two small children who are too young to even protect themselves.
UPDATE: Yesterday, DH had
UPDATE: Yesterday, DH had another conversation with SD, this time just the two of them. He told her if she can't follow the rules she will have to live with her mom or in a group home. He then asked if she will follow the rules and she said she doesn't know. She wants to be sent away. He is now ready to send her away himself!
So he found her mom's phone number and called her. She called back this morning and is willing to let her move in with her. The BM currently lives with her other child's father (she doesn't have custody of that child either and they are not "together", just living together). She has had behavior problems with her other child. I feel extreme relief that SD will no longer be our sole problem but I also have some concerns (will post questions in another post). I imagine the 8 or 9 year old trouble maker half sister will not like an intruder coming into her home with her mommy and daddy to herself. I wouldn't be surprised if the half-sister makes SD's life miserable.
Hopefully after a month or so, SD will come to her senses and we can get her help and she can come back home...maybe she will then decide to follow the rules.